Search for Sanity One Step at a Time

By Evelyn Leite

If you or someone you love are among the 19.4 million people who suffer alcohol or drug addiction, this unvarnished, raw recount of the various ways and many years the author suffered, can serve as the understanding and validation you need.

As her story reveals, the initial “escape” alcohol offers, quickly brings compounding issues setting the person on a path of denial that can lead to destruction. If you doubt God’s love, hear voices that influence you to do evil deeds, and desperately need someone who can understand your struggles, let Evelyn Leite’s experience draw you to the truth, hope and help immediately available.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Evelyn Leite
• Release date: Sep 11, 2023
• ISBN: 9798988772712

Evelyn Leite

Evelyn Leite has been in the addiction and mental health profession for 35 years and has a private practice, Living With Solutions. She also founded a non-profit corporation, A Center For Training And Restoration. She is an author and she holds workshops nation wide which are devoted to teaching individuals and families about mental health and addiction, much of her work is trauma related with men and women who have been abused . Because her work as a humanitarian has been widely recognized she was installed in the SD Hall of Fame in 2008. Her work has included founding a youth center in Ft Pierre, SD, helping establish a women’s shelter in Pierre, SD, and helping to establish the Hope Center , a day shelter for the homeless in Rapid City, SD. Currently she is finishing a 4th memoir. Much of her work is a personal story of family abuse that asks a key question: How does a loving father turn into an alcoholic verbal abuser? And why am I just like him? Addiction, pain, and healing are outlined in a manner that will be more than familiar to those raised under similar conditions; but the difference in these memoirs lie in the focus on how Evelyn Leite chooses to survive her circumstances and rise above them. Her evolving perception of both of her parents is one of the highlights presented as Leite grows older: "I just look at them, my parents, so far removed from the reality of my life, so unaware of the aching, agonizing, humiliating pain I live with...so unbelievably ignorant."

Book preview

Praise for Search for Sanity . . .

I couldn’t stop reading, so be prepared. And once I read the book I read it again. I plan to read the book a third time. Whether we know it or not addiction touches pretty much everyone. Evelyn is bold in sharing her story about truths many won’t talk about or even admit exist. Addiction has a very dark spiritual side. Her story is one of total healing, but that road to total sobriety and wholeness was a long road filled with pitfalls. Her personal story will help steer those who long for and seek that same sobriety and wholeness onto the highway of freedom. And as we surrender we learn that the God who created us has a deep love for us. As I said, I couldn’t stop reading.

Amy Wagner, Elder, Landmark Community Church

Chair Pennington County GOP, SD State Coordinator

SD State Coordinator for the National Day of Prayer

Additional Endorsements

Table of Contents

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The Search for Sanity One Step at a Time

Fourth book in the Blood, Sex, and Tears series.

Published by:

Living With Solutions

PO Box 9702

Rapid City, SD 57709

Copyright 2023 © by Evelyn M. Leite, MHR, LPC

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information and retrieval system without express written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review. No generative artificial intelligence was used in writing this book, and I do not give permission for this material to be used in teaching artificial intelligence.

Unless otherwise noted, all scripture quoted in this book are from the English Standard Version Bible Copyright 2008 by Crossway, used according to permission.

Due to the dynamic nature of the internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have been changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely the views of the author.

ISBN: (sc) 979-8988772705

(eb) 979-8988772712

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023913845

Printed in the United States

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DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to Allen Knapp, my sincere and helpful husband to whom I owe much respect.

And to my family who loved me through the craziness and never wavered in their loyalty. I owe them so much. Lonny, Robert, Scott, and a multitude of brothers, nieces and nephews. God gave me so many blessings in all of them.

And to all those who helped me stay sane.

Living:

Carol Brown , George (Beeurbest) Lindall, Don Parsons, Connie Pitch, John and Linda Friel, Danielle Reichert, Terry Wooster, Bill Bunkers, Delaine Shay, Pam Desmet

Deceased:

Virginia Satir , Sister Del-Ray, Father Martin, Glenn Jorgenson, Barbara Lundy Fiskin, Gordon Higgins, Meryl Tullis, Nancy Bower, Bill Murphy, Nancy Schuler

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Disclaimer

This is a personal document based on events which happen to people every day. They happened to me.

It is a story about alcoholism and pain, about faith and healing, and about joy and recovery. It is written that all people in the helping professions may gain insight into problems family members face when alcohol is destroying their lives. It is further written to bring love, hope, and inspiration to people trying to cope with a disease they do not understand. This book is published with permission of close family members. Some names and events are changed but the story is real and could be happening next door to you. Or in your house.

This book is designed to provide information about the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher and authors are not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional services. If legal or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Every precaution has been taken in the development of this book to bring you accurate and up to date information. However, there may be mistakes both typographical and in content. Therefore, this text should be used only as a general guide and not as the ultimate source for improving family relations.

The purpose of this book is to educate and enlighten. The author and publisher shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly by the information contained in this book. The author assumes no responsibility for any liability resulting from the use of the information contained in this book.

If you do not wish to be bound by the above, you may return this book to the publisher for a full refund.

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CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction

PART ONE

Chapter One – Out of the Frying Pan into the Freezer

Chapter Two – The Dream is Becoming a Nightmare

Chapter Three – A Girl’s Gotta Have Some Fun!

Chapter Four – When Will I Keep My Mouth Shut?

Chapter Five – Everything I Never Wanted to Know about Alcoholism

Chapter Six – Two Faces Instead of One to Hate

Chapter Seven – Damned, Blessed or Just Plain Crazy?

PART TWO

Chapter Eight – A Geographical Escape

Chapter Nine – Happy Days Are Just Around the Corner

Chapter Ten – Why Don’t You Just Go Kill Yourself?

Chapter Eleven – Surrender or Die

Chapter Twelve - The Devil You Say

Chapter Thirteen – Common Sense is a Commodity

Chapter Fourteen – Sink, Swim, or Die Trying

PART THREE

Chapter Fifteen – Reverend Higgins Warned Me

Chapter Sixteen – When Marriage Feels Like Incest

Chapter Seventeen – Angels Walk, Talk and Dance

Chapter Eighteen – California is Full of Intrigue

PART FOUR

Chapter Nineteen – Hang On We’re Going for a Ride

Chapter Twenty – Trying to Keep Evil at Bay

Chapter Twenty-One – the Devil is Real

Chapter Twenty-Two – Voices from Nowhere

Chapter Twenty-Three – Making Peace with My Brother

Chapter Twenty-Four – Does the Learning Curve Ever Stop?

Chapter Twenty-Five – Never a Dull Moment

EPILOG

Afterword

Addendum

Appendix

About the Author

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I want to acknowledge and thank my most indispensable helper, Pamela Christian, of Pamela Christian Ministries LLC. She is a jack of all trades and completely gifted in what she does. She has helped me with five other books: Women—What So We Want?, A Fix for the Family Rift Caused By Addiction, Just Fine Thank You, Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow, To Be Somebody and this one, A Search for Sanity. One Step at a Time. Her advice and support are priceless. And without her I would still be floundering.

I also want to thank and acknowledge those wonderful people who have endorsed my work, many who were part of my recovery. These people are vital, irreplaceable, extremely helpful and loving friends. This list is certainly headed by the incomparable Bill O’Hanlon who took time for me and my son for the umpteenth time in as many years despite an exceptionally busy life. He is highly gifted and is my hero in every sense of the word.

With extreme gratitude, I’d like to thank Amy Wagner, Sarah Daniels Shultz, Delaine Shay, Sharon Scheef Wilkerson, Dr. Al Boysen, Barbara K. Bohl Gammeter, and Susan Hughes. All of these people are influential in their respective fields with highly demanding roles. I am so humbled that they would take the time to read and comment on my books.

And to you, the reader. I bow to your ability to choose any book you want to read. Thank you for your commitment to growth.

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Table of Contents

EPIGRAPH

Booker T. Washington was an American educator, author, orator, and adviser to multiple presidents of the United States. Between 1890 and 1915, Washington was the dominant leader in the African American community.

He was an incredibly wise man who said:

Success is not where you are, it is what you have overcome.

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INTRODUCTION

She could throw her life away or get her act together, so she tried both.

Alcohol, drugs, and all things addictive can get inside our spirit and destroy the soul. Death, destruction, broken families, abused children, and ruined lives come with addictions. Failing to acknowledge the unacceptable truth about the effects of addiction is a national tragedy of epidemic proportions.

The stigma surrounding the killer effects of substance abuse and mental illness, and the inadequacy we feel when faced with them, causes many folks to avoid these unpleasant subjects or even hide from them. People get outraged about loved ones drinking or exhibiting strange behavior, blaming the addict instead of the disease. Or they themselves may deny any personal problem with alcohol or other addictions.

Substance abuse and other addictive disorders, including gambling, sexual addiction, and eating disorders, are ignored or minimized because people feel helpless and incompetent to address them. Even though we see this behavior, we often say nothing, fearing that mentioning the addiction will make things worse, and ignoring the addiction makes us feel safer. Even when we recognize an addictive problem in someone, we might turn our backs on them, saying, What can I do?

The best you can do is be informed and willing to accept the unvarnished truth. It is impossible to combat something if you aren’t aware of what you are up against. Knowledge is power. In my situation, power could only be gained by ultimately surrendering to a God I didn’t trust in.

Though we now know that alcoholism and drug addiction are not moral issues but physical diseases, old beliefs die hard, and our society harshly judges people with these diseases. This helps no one and causes people to hide instead of asking for help. Shame is a powerful motivator for silence and ultimately destroys people. Seeking help can be a two-edged sword. Many addicts, like me, are desperate for help and find closed doors, long waiting lines, or unskilled therapists thus giving up on sobriety. Never, never, never give up.

In this book, I hope to show how insidiously sneaky substance abuse is, and how denial controls and destroys a family, by sharing my substance abuse issues and the diabolical fight to survive.

Most of my life made no sense; I endured much of it in staggering anxiety. My dad’s verbal abuse left severe scars in me, made worse by my mother’s detachment and refusal to acknowledge the abuse. When I was older and privileged to study with the great Virginia Satir (family therapist), I heard her repeatedly say, If you wish to create a mentally ill child, treat him nice one day and abuse him the next. I grew up this way, and I’m sure it is how my parents grew up as well.

Next, I married someone who made my life look like a picnic. He was even more confused and in pain than I was. I guess those with low self-esteem are always looking for someone to love them, and we usually find people who are worse off than we are.

Growing up in an alcoholic family, I never learned healthy coping skills or how to deal successfully with life’s difficulties. I discuss these challenges in my previous books, outlining how complicated it is for a child to raise him or herself in a dysfunctional family. I also share events of my love life, which, in actuality, was a hated life.

Confusion made me a prime target for satan’s arrows. All my life, evil and mysterious voices propelled me in ways that created hideous repercussions, leaving me feeling exhausted and worthless. I blamed God for all the pain and losses in my life, and sometimes dwelled in self-sabotage. Common sense made no sense in a world where I didn’t know if I was damned, blessed, or just plain crazy.

I will take you step by step through the craziness of my everyday struggles with God, the dreams I had for idyllic romantic relationships, and the emotionally destructive ways I tried to fix myself and hide my shame. I also share how I eventually learned everything I never wanted to know about alcoholism and grew to understand that God is not my enemy.

Not all alcoholics hear the demonic voices described in my story. I listened to those voices and have since talked with others who have. The voices taunted me about not being good enough. They shamed me for being needy and ridiculed my mistakes. Ultimately, the voices kept me awake at night, telling me to hurt people. The more I tried to avoid the voices, the louder they clamored.

As the reader, be aware of the risk that comes to you, by exploring the truths about evil written in this book. But by all

means, don’t let this risk prevent you from the truth that will set you free.

Very few share the voices in the head experience because it is a frightening subject—one not believed by many and utterly taboo in some circles. Plus, it could get you locked up by scared mental health professionals or open you up for sneers and derision by others. To comprehend the very idea of the devil running through our lives, spreading confusion and fear, you must keep an open mind. The devil wants you to believe he is a myth and nothing to be concerned about, but nothing could be further from the truth. I write this book to overcome the deceptions and present truth, regardless how unpopular, so that those exposed to my testimony have some chance for wholeness.

You may be inclined to explore some of the things I share, such as witchcraft, shamanism, and tarot cards, but this inclination is not coming from the Lord. It comes from a cunning, scheming, Machiavellian presence we can neither see nor deal with on our own. If you’ve never seriously considered the existence of God who is only good and satan who is all evil, I ask you reconsider. As I and many others have learned, our only hope in this life is to discover and resolutely live in life-giving truth.

The story I’m presenting might sound far-fetched to you, but just know this truth and others like it from ordinary people blows evil’s cover and reveal the tactics,