Spare Me the Expectation

By S. K. Johnson

Are you a people pleaser struggling with assertivness?  Would you like to learn to set healthy boundaries, build strong relationships, and stop striving for people's expectations? If you've been looking for a book that will free you from external validations, then keep reading; you've found the perfect book!  Studies show that over 50% of people identify as people pleasers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: S. K. Johnson
• Release date: Jun 12, 2023
• ISBN: 9798988529361

Book preview

Introduction

Have you ever found yourself trying hard to meet someone’s expectations or become who they want you to be, only to stop and ask yourself why you are so concerned with how they view you?

If so, then you can relate to Emily. Emily knows that she is a people pleaser, meaning that she acts a certain way to make sure that she never disappoints, does everything asked of her, and goes out of her way to make everyone around her happy. The people she interacts with don’t mind that Emily spends every minute of the day trying to please those around her, but deep down, she knows that she cannot continue to live like this.

For example, Emily’s employer knows that she is a trusted employee, so he always asks her to perform extra tasks in a short amount of time. Emily has trouble saying no, so she completes these tasks in addition to her normal duties. She quickly becomes exhausted and burnt out at work. At home, she feels the need to constantly say and do things to make her partner happy, often pushing aside her own needs. Emily tries to be the person that her friends and family want her to be, but she doesn’t put her own needs first. Thus, she never thinks about who she wants to be or what she wants to do; she loses herself.

Living life as a people pleaser is exhausting, draining, and often leads to mental health issues and burnout. This is because if you try to meet everyone’s expectations except your own, you could contradict your own values and beliefs, put your health on the back burner, and fall into unhealthy or toxic relationships. Also, consider what you might do in a situation where two people ask you to do different things. How could you expect yourself to perform tasks that contradict each other?

Being a people pleaser sounds like you are someone who gets along well with others and is able to manage relationships, but that is not the full extent of it. People pleasing often comes at the price of your own time, energy, and mental health because you put others’ needs or expectations before your own. If you always do this, you will end up hurt, drained, and exhausted, possibly taken advantage of, or struggle to find yourself because you spend more time worrying about what other people want than what you want.

If it’s so bad to be a people pleaser, then why do we do everything we can to meet their demands and requests?

It’s not bad to do things from a place of kindness or compassion, but if you keep doing things to the extent that your own health, time, and energy suffer, then we should take a look at the root of this issue.

There are many reasons you may have become a people pleaser. Some of the most common reasons include

●  fear of disappointing those around you

●  fear of rejection

●  not understanding how to set clear boundaries

●  not understanding your limits

●  because it is easier to cooperate

●  learning people pleasing through your parents when growing up

Whatever reason you have developed a people-pleasing personality, you have to learn to overcome these thoughts and maintain healthy relationships with your coworkers, partners, family, and friends.

After evaluating her life, Emily eventually realized that she was anxious, emotionally drained, and stressed all the time. Spending so much time and energy to please those around her did not make her happy. It took away from her independence; she never had time to simply care for herself. She realized that she needed to make some changes in her life if she wanted to find true happiness and freedom. She realized that by putting other people’s expectations above her own, she was living her life for them when the only person she should be living for is herself.

You don’t have to live life as a people pleaser, either.

You do not have to always meet the expectations of those around you. You aren’t even responsible for their happiness, just your own. The only expectations you have to try to meet are your own. But you can only do this if you work to quit those people-pleasing tendencies. Changes in your actions, mindset, and approach to life will help you free yourself from living as a people pleaser.

Even if you have been a people pleaser since your childhood, you can unlearn these thoughts and replace them with healthier actions for you and your relationships. Like learning any new skill, it takes time, dedication, and commitment to reinforce this new mindset and alter your perspective. But, if you are truly focused on living a happier and healthier life, you will soon find the solution to these problems.

A misconception about not being a people pleaser is that you don’t follow directions, cause disturbances, and are not a good person to work with. This is not true. You can get rid of your people-pleasing inclinations and still be a great employee, helpful friend, and caring partner. Think about it from the other perspective; wouldn’t you want someone to help you because they care about you, not just because they feel obligated? Even if you understand that unlearning your people-pleasing actions doesn’t make you a bad person, you may still feel this way. That is because you have been taught to always follow directions without asking questions. You will have to reteach yourself how to interact with people so that they respect your boundaries and respect you as an individual. Overcoming your people-pleasing tendencies allows you to start to value your own expectations and teaches others how to treat you.

Through these changes in your thoughts and actions, you will feel free of the fear of disappointing those around you. Think back to Emily’s situation; if she were to implement these new skills and a healthy mindset, she would find much improvement in her motivation, energy levels, and improvement of mental health. She still maintains her relationships with her family, friends, and partner, even though she learned to set boundaries. In fact, her relationships would become healthier and stronger.

When Emily learned to set a boundary at the workplace, her boss stopped asking her to complete unnecessary tasks. She does her job exceptionally well, respectfully clocks out on time, and doesn’t do extra work at home. She does not feel so burnt out anymore.

At home, Emily learned how to communicate with her friends, family, and partner about the person she wants to be and how she will practice loving herself by taking time for herself instead of doing chores or hanging out even when she’s tired. She set boundaries about how much time and energy she can offer them, and nobody said she was lazy or rude. All of her friends and family thought it was good for Emily to choose herself over those around her. Now, if she is asked for a favor, Emily thinks about if she has the time, energy, or resources before agreeing to it.

You can take the same steps as Emily—anyone can. The most important part of the journey toward a life free from pleasing people is that you recognize that the issue has been impacting your health. Now that you realize this, you can take conscious steps to improve your mental health and happiness.

Even throughout my own life, I have experienced the negative effects of people pleasing. The unfortunate reality is that most people are people pleasers or the person who is willing to take advantage of the yes person. For years and years, my own colleagues, friends, and family have held unreasonably high expectations of me, whether it be to make good grades, become successful, spend time together, work more for less compensation, or blindly follow someone. After some time, I realized that I did not have to do everything expected or demanded of me. I chose to do these things because I feared rejection or breaking the rules. Now, after changing my perspective, valuing my life, and being fearless in my choices, I am going to share everything I have learned with you so that you, too, can free yourself from the fear and anxiety of always living for someone else.

Go ahead and take a step toward reclaiming your own life.

Chapter 1: The Horrors of Living According to People’s Terms While Neglecting Yourself

Living a life on other people’s terms is an imprisoning life. Do they ask you for too many favors? Expect you to act a certain way? Do you feel like you have to neglect yourself so that they remain calm or happy? These are the expectations that they set for how you act; when you continue to live in a way that pleases them and not you, you help them build this prison around you. The prison is designed to contain you so that you keep doing whatever they ask or want of you.

Once those people know that you are bound by their terms, they know that you are going to continue to follow their expectations of you. But the walls aren’t just