Residue: The Value in What Remains

By Orencia R. Bulze

RESIDUE: The Value in What Remains, will speak to everyone who has struggled with challenging emotions like disappointment, humiliation, or regret. The Residue serves as a symbol of tenacity and fortitude. Readers are urged to tap into their inner strength and present themselves as the courageous person they are on the inside. Making the decision to present yourself honestly is the first step to walking in freedom.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Orencia R. Bulze
• Release date: May 9, 2023
• ISBN: 9780999715253

Book preview

Residue

The Value in What Remains

__________

Orencia R. Bulze

RESIDUE: THE VALUE IN WHAT REMAINS

Copyright © 2023 by Orencia R. Bulze

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author.

ISBN: 978-0-9997152-6-0

Dedication

To TRJ-

Tyiese, Te’yana, and Tristin are the reasons I rediscovered the passion for writing. To my cousin Rochelle, who created space for me and allowed me the pleasure of seeing you grow into beautiful young women.

Table of Contents

Introduction

PART I

Chapter 1 The Disappointed Heart

Chapter 2 Regrets

Chapter 3 Shame

Chapter 4 Memories

Chapter 5 Mourning

PART II

Chapter 6 Grief & Unforgiveness

Chapter 7 Abraham, Lot & Me

Chapter 8 Cupcake C.A.R.Es

Chapter 9 They Don’t Live Here Anymore

Chapter 10 P.I.T- Proximity, Intimacy & Transparency

PART III

Chapter 11 Leaving the Familiar

Chapter 12 Transparency vs Vulnerability

Chapter 13 Hello Jonah

Chapter 14 God’s Secret in the Earth

Chapter 15 The Residue Within You

Chapter 16 Final Thoughts

About the Author

Also, by Orencia R. Bulze

Introduction

T

here is no escaping pain in life. This is frequently said when someone has gone through something traumatic, and the other party is at a loss for words to comfort the person experiencing the pain. It is a difficult task to be a comforter, someone who encourages others, because sometimes words are not sufficient. Sometimes the words are incorrect, and sometimes the advice is given too soon. Whatever the situation, our instinct as humans tells us to try to alleviate the pain that another person is feeling or has experienced. Even though we will never be free of pain in this life, we can learn the lessons that pain teaches us. Life’s suffering can be extremely beneficial when we are able to see the value in each difficulty. 

We try to avoid pain at all costs, but in doing so, we miss out on the benefits that pain carries. Our attempts to numb the pain may involve utilizing drugs, alcohol, or sex. We may even distract ourselves by becoming workaholics and engaging in activities that appear to distract but will ultimately cause us more harm than good. When we divert our attention away from the pain instead of acknowledging it, we become vulnerable to either becoming an abuser or being abused. 

Arriving at the conclusion that I was suffering from disappointment is a very funny story. This story begins during the pandemic in the year 2021 and involves me praying for a dead fish. Even now as I recall this story, I laughed afresh at myself. Normally, I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. I would’ve just flushed the fish down the drain and started over anew. But this time I found myself praying for the fish to come alive again. I could say it was because of the pandemic mental state of being but within myself, I knew it had to be something deeper. The fish in question lived in my Pastor’s office and as I was already at the church’s office during the hours of the day, I took care of the fish. I found great joy in taking care of the fish and watching it swim around in the aquarium. I was attached to the fish. 

I walked into my Bishop’s office as usual and put a bit of food for him. I should have known something was off from the beginning because normally the moment I turned the lights on in the office the fish would swim to the surface because it knew instinctively that it was feeding time. On other days it only came to the surface once the food hit the water’s surface. This time though it didn’t come out of hiding from behind the reeds on any of the previously mentioned activities. He didn’t budge when I tapped the class either. I left the office and went about my day’s activities, but something kept nagging me about the fish. After about forty-five minutes I went back into Bishop’s office and the fish was still in the same spot. At this point, I got the fish net to try and scare him away from the reeds. This should’ve worked cause the fish didn’t like the net. As the net got closer to the reeds and he didn’t move my concern grew more and when the net touched the fish he flipped over and floated to the surface. This is where it went downhill. I immediately had an anxiety attack. My mind became flooded with thoughts of how I would tell Bishop his fish was dead. Never mind we have both flushed several of his fish down the drain before, this time seemed different. Maybe it was because this fish had been kept alive successfully for about two years. Whatever the reason I was in panic mode. I literally panic and said I’m a woman of faith and prayer can move mountains. It can raise the dead and this fish is dead. I know I wasn’t thinking logically but when you are in panic mode anything can happen. I place my hand on the fish tank and I prayed that God resurrect his creation. 

Even if this prayer could have worked, it would’ve still failed cause the prayer wasn’t truly in faith but rather from a place of fear. Fear of telling my Pastor that his last remaining fish was dead. I stood there in that office hyperventilating with tears rolling down my cheeks because of a dead fish. A FISH, PEOPLE! 

It took me another hour to muster up the courage to do two things which were to tell my Pastor the fish was no more and to flush the fish. I think I still halfheartedly hoped the fish would revive. Nevertheless, I made the call and flushed the fish, and went about my day. I shed a couple more tears throughout the day for the fish and recounted the conversation I had with my pastor in my head to see if there was any indication of his disappointment in me. At the end of the day while writing in my journal I came to the realization that disappointment was the reoccurring theme in the fish situation, and it was also the theme in the last prior letdowns. As I explored this feeling of disappointment to find the root cause, I realized there was still a deep sadness for failing to complete college. 

A couple of weeks later while having a discussion with my pastor I confessed to him that I prayed for his fish and we both had a good belly full of laughter about it and we discussed the revelation about disappointment being a reoccurring theme and the reasons behind it. There are still random days when we are both reminded of the prayer meeting for the fish, and we have a good laugh all over again. You that you have healed or at the very least on the recovery path when you can laugh at yourself without feeling any shame attached to the memory. I am thankful for having great leadership in my life who not only listens to your struggles but can also laugh with you as well in strange situations. This was my Aha moment. As you read this book, I hope you experience your own aha moments that will further enlighten you and push you forward on your own healing journey. 

NOTE

Make use of the blank pages throughout the book to write any Gem you may stumble upon or even your own Aha moments this book may inspire.

PART I

Take a walk through the heart’s passageways and enter the locked, long-forgotten doors. The answers to unlocking the future are found in the past. Here, we’ll examine the events from the past that keep us from seeing the future with a fresh perspective. Even if they are unimportant, these prior events play a significant role in how we currently perceive our lives. Can we be hindered by our past mistakes? Indeed, we can. Are you courageous enough to investigate your pain points and truly live? 

Chapter 1

The Disappointed Heart

P

ainful experiences can teach us many lessons, among them how to be strong, resilient, loving, and compassionate toward others. Pain also serves as a reminder of our mortality. Although this is not the way we want to view suffering, it does enable us to view life in a more holistic manner. When faced with the reality of our death, we are compelled to live more consciously and with greater awareness, enhancing both our own lives and those of others around us. According to research, people who feel a lot of pain are happier than those who don’t. Situations that cause us pain make us value the wonderful moments even more. The adage What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger is true even if we may not want to hear it. 

What is your current life scenario trying to teach you, then? Are you paying attention or are you attempting to avoid the discomfort? A damaged or ill heart is one that is emotionally stuck at a certain time. Let’s embark on a journey into the heart and start the vital process of healing by discovering the value that pain’s leftovers have given us. We should start by looking at our disappointments in life. We cannot go through life without experiencing disappointment, just as we cannot go through life without experiencing physical pain. Life’s disappointments aren’t so bad until we realize they have an invisible grip on us. Disappointment is a heart disease that, if left untreated, will cause your heart to become weak and sick. It can make you physically and emotionally ill. When our hearts are sick or weak, we lose our ability to properly love others and ourselves. When we do not properly grieve and process our disappointments, our heart muscles become inflamed and eventually too weak to function properly, resulting in spiritual heart disease. 

The right context must be considered while evaluating disappointment, or we risk convincing ourselves that we will constantly be disappointed, and we can develop a callous condition known as an inner vow. This hardening of our hearts over time can make it incredibly challenging