Read Yourself Happier: {From a place of unrest to feeling blessed}

By Tracy Ann Deaville

'Read Yourself happier' is a book of self - reflection and the journey of a souls untethering. A sharing of insights, magical moments of synchronicity and epiphanies that come from books that led to a path of self discovery. Glancing both at the spiritual and scientific aspects of a souls capacity for growth and the valuable tools discovered to help uncover our true authentic selves. My intention for sharing these things with you is to offer some support and light relief and to aid if and where I can in releasing the negative inner dialogue so many of us struggle with. This inner voice can and will change when we learn to replace judgement with nurture. I truly hope that this book will demonstrate, that by taking the first step, and that first step being something as simple as reading a book, that we can change our trajectory.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tablo Publishing
• Release date: Oct 20, 2022
• ISBN: 9781685835651

Book preview

Chapter 1 My Journey Begins

I was at a point in my life where I was desperately searching for meaning. I suppose I had done it all through my life really.

I’ve had many challenges as we all have, but happy moments and memories of course, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom. No matter what I did I was never truly content and would constantly re-imagine myself. Consistently I would change jobs, lifestyles, partners, homes, even countries, what was I missing? It was as if I was searching for something but hadn’t a clue what it was. Turns out I wasn’t going to find it searching outside of myself.

At the age of 47 I was 10 years into my third marriage and had 4 children. Four of us had moved from the UK to Australia, which is glorious and I’m very thankful for, but that in itself was such an emotional time, especially leaving behind my two eldest.

We had been in WA for 4 years, had lovely neighbours who turned into good friends, I had taken up swing dancing which I absolutely loved! Theres something so spiritually uplifting about dance.

I was for all intents and purposes happy, then suddenly this dark cloud just came over me again. Literally out of nowhere I just wasn’t coping with day to day life. I knew I had so much to be grateful for and yet had just stopped feeling it. This led to guilt, frustration, dredging things up from the past, my inner voice again feeding the fire and the cycle continued.

I remember throwing myself on the bed and literally punching myself in the head, telling myself how pathetic and stupid I was and asking myself why wasn’t I ever good enough!! It was so exhausting being me and I wanted it to stop.

I just had to do something about it, I couldn’t go on like it any more, I had little ones that needed me and it must have been so confusing for them, one day mum was happy and the next she was hiding away..

I decided to go to the doctor, I didn’t want them to grow up seeing me this way or having to live with the atmosphere I was creating.

A few symptoms suggested that maybe I was going through the menopause, Anxiety, palpitations, warming from inside, feeling overly sensitive in general but I had experienced a few of these during bouts of previous depression. I had a full check up and there was nothing clinically wrong with me. My hormone levels were fine although I was told I was possibly Peri menopausal which is the onset of menopause but that could last 10 years.

I needed to be able to cope with how I was feeling and as is quite often the case apparently, I was offered anti depressants which I declined. My dark moods continued and I was at such a low point that I Couldn’t be around anyone, I didn’t even want to be outside!

I couldn’t tolerate noise and was becoming sensitive to everything, what was happening to me? I went back to the doctor and that day in the waiting room was one of the most uncomfortable days Ive spent in my own skin. Every noise put me on edge, every persons energy, every look, it felt like they could see right into me it was horrible and I nearly ran out several times.

By the time I got into the room I was sobbing. I was again offered a mild anti depressant, this time I collected the pills, got into the car and broke down. I covered my eyes as if somehow this would help me disappear, I just felt like I was giving up and felt such dissapointment in myself and in life.

I got home I don’t even remember the drive or how I managed to see through the tears, I just remember the hard lump in my throat and pain in my chest, it felt like I’de swallowed a snooker ball.

Reading through the side effects of which there were many!

I suddenly got this surge in energy and a determination that I was not going to take these pills under any circumstances, that there must be another way. That is in no way a judgement for anybody that has taken them and I fully empathise, it just wasn’t a path I was willing to go down.

I was at work one day soon after and my back gave way, I was diagnosed with bi lateral sacrolititus, basically inflammation on both sides of my sacrum, it was very painful but an absolute blessing in disguise. The butterfly effect of this one moment was to change my future and the subsequent way in which I perceived my life.

Until the anti biotics kicked in it was too painful to drive, dance or do much of anything really, but I could read and write and that’s exactly what I did.

I turned to books firstly as an attempt to find positivity. I recalled the book I had been given to read a while back called, The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This is an amazing book that got me to focus on living in the present.

Then upon visiting a book store I came across a beautiful book by Louise Haye called Life Loves You. Although at the time nothing felt further from the truth this book was pivotal for me and how I would feel further down the track. I also bought my first journal that day even though I hadn’t a clue what I would write. One of the first entries in my first journal:

4th December 2017

How silently this sadness creeps in,

how the pressure lays heavy on my heart.

Feeling dejected, what is that? where does it come from?

Am I sitting in judgement on myself again?

when did that sneak up on me?

I was flying just days ago it seems, positive, focused, free,

now ego is back goading me, pulling me back to live unconsciously.

Pulling me back to wallow for a while, lowering my spirit, holding back my smile.

I need these moments of introspection,

to pull myself into alignment, time for re-direction.

Life is so monotonous, sometimes I fall prey to living in the future to get me through it, but The Power of Now has shown me the importance of being present and so this journal will hopefully assist me in doing that. Heres to new beginnings. And so the journey begins …

We all have our challenges