It Starts with Self-Compassion: A Practical Road Map

By Celeste Headlee

When you hear the term “self-compassion,” you might immediately think of the word “nice,” or think that it’s a feeling reserved for the saintly and tenderhearted… that the rest of us are simply too busy to bother showing others any sort of kindness, let alone showing it to ourselves. But what if you found that was a misconception, and that compassion — especially for oneself — isn’t “nice,” but tough and resilient and even badass? And what if cultivating that “tough” self-compassion isn’t a fruitless endeavor at all, and could actually provide you with proven, long-term emotional benefits?

In It Starts with Self-Compassion, Celeste Headlee, award-winning journalist and host of the hit 2015 Tedx Talk “10 ways to have a better conversation,” lays out the case for turning inward and extending empathy and understanding to ourselves, while providing us with ways to recognize and acknowledge our thoughts and behavior without judgement. Blending her signature empathy with extensive, carefully curated research from positive psychology, neuropsychiatry, sociology, and other disciplines, Headlee offers a comprehensive examination of self-compassion and how it can improve your emotional well-being, as well as distinguish it from related notions like self-love or self-acceptance, all while centering her discussion around its three key components: mindfulness, a sense of connection to all of humanity, and kindness. But Headlee’s approach isn’t just theoretical. In addition to defining and breaking down psychological concepts, this Everand Original is packed with evidence-based exercises to help you assess your current level of self-compassion and give it a boost through journaling and “mind-training” practices like meditation and internal dialogues. This new work from Headlee is a crucially insightful read for all personal growth fans. It offers a fresh perspective on thinking about how we can be better to ourselves, and is as practical and scientifically rigorous as it is emotionally enlightening and accessible.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Everand Originals
• Release date: May 16, 2023
• ISBN: 9781094453934

Celeste Headlee

Celeste Headlee is an internationally recognized journalist and radio host, professional speaker and author of bestselling book We Need To Talk: How To Have Conversations That Matter, and Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing, and Underliving. Her latest is Speaking of Race: Why Everyone Needs to Talk About Racism and How to Do It. Her TEDx Talk, 10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation, has been viewed over 26 million times. In her 20-year career in public radio, Celeste has been the Executive Producer of On Second Thought at Georgia Public Broadcasting and anchored programs including Tell Me More, Talk of the Nation, Here and Now, All Things Considered, and Weekend Edition. She also served as co-host of the national morning news show, The Takeaway, from PRI and WNYC, and anchored presidential coverage in 2012 for PBS World Channel. Celeste is a regular guest host on NPR and American Public Media. She is the host of Newsweek’s “Debate” podcast, and hosts a podcast for the National Gallery of Art called “Sound Thoughts on Art.” She is also the host of “Women Amplified,” a podcast from the Conferences for Women, the largest network of women’s conferences in the nation, drawing more than 50,000 people to its annual events. Celeste is also the president and CEO of Headway DEI, a non-profit that works to bring racial justice and equity to journalism and media through targeted training and interventions. She is the granddaughter of composer William Grant Still, known as the Dean of Black American Composers and she is a trained operatic soprano. She lives in the DC area with her rescue dog, Samus.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

— Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness

When I told people I was working on a book about self-compassion, the most common response I received was a tilted head, a gentle smile, and a remark such as, That’s so nice. Often, I wanted to shout back, Compassion isn’t nice! It’s tough and resilient and all-around badass, but I held my tongue. Tough is not a word many people associate with compassion, and that’s something I hope to change.

As a society, we have a lot of misconceptions about compassion. We often think it’s something kindergarten teachers and food bank volunteers feel, while the rest of us are too busy to worry about squishy, tenderhearted stuff. We send in our donations so that others can use the money in compassionate ways. Or we take note of the horrible behavior on display in the world — violence, partisanship, sexism, racism, intolerance, greed — and decide that other people don’t deserve our compassion and showing kindness somehow encourages bad behavior. That’s an understandable perspective.

While true compassion is defined as the emotion you feel when you witness suffering and feel compelled to relieve it, the suffering of other people is not the focus of this book. We will look inward in these pages, not outward.

This road map is not about how you treat others, but how you treat yourself. Self-compassion is the ability to recognize our own pain, acknowledge that we are suffering, and honor the natural urge to soothe ourselves. While most of us know how to show compassion to others, we generally stop short of extending it to ourselves. Learning to do that is simple but not easy, so we’ll take it one step at a time.

CHAPTER 1: DEFINING COMPASSION, EMPATHY, AND SYMPATHY

Imagine this scenario: A friend, someone you care about, calls you one day in a panic. They had an important appointment this morning — an exam, a job interview, whatever — but they stayed up late last night and slept through their alarm.

I’m such an idiot! your friend cries, How could I be so stupid? I am worthless!

What do you say to them? Do you say, "That’s exactly right. You are worthless and dumb. You really screwed up and everything is ruined now. You should be ashamed of yourself"?

Of course you don’t.

Instead, you will likely acknowledge they’ve made a mistake and that the situation is stressful. You might say that you’re sorry it happened and you can understand why they’re upset. Perhaps you mention that everyone oversleeps sometimes. No one is perfect, you tell your friend.

You might try to help by asking, Could you reschedule? What can I do? What do you need right now? I don’t think you would heap insults and recrimination on them. If you said it was a boneheaded, irresponsible mistake, would the situation be better or worse? It’s a good bet you’ll try to calm them and make them feel better in the moment so they’re able to cope with what comes next. Most of us know how to do that naturally when our loved ones are in crisis, and we automatically show compassion.

Now imagine that you are the one who slept through the alarm and missed the appointment. When you open your eyes, see the clock, and realize you’ve overslept, what do you say to yourself? What comments is that voice inside your head making? Do you tell yourself everyone makes mistakes, you’re not an awful person, and you can get past this? Probably not. Your first instinct would likely be to berate, not soothe.

We can say unimaginably horrible things to ourselves when we screw up. If we spoke to our friends and loved ones the way we speak to ourselves, we would justifiably be shunned and avoided. No one wants to be friends with someone who calls them an idiot if they drop a glass dish, but we don’t hesitate to say that to ourselves. Even when a negative event is out of our control and we weren’t responsible for what happened, that inner voice comes in hot with harsh words, condemnation, and insults. Why do we speak to ourselves that way?

We know how to be kind, and that people who are going through a tough time need understanding and comfort. When a loved one is ill, we tell them to stay home, see a doctor, take medication, and drink plenty of fluids. Maybe we buy them chicken soup or a bag of throat lozenges.

When we are sick, our response is usually quite different. We downplay our illness or try to conceal it, as if being sick is shameful. We don’t tell ourselves to sleep and rest in order to focus on healing. We feel guilty to lie in bed so we continue to work, with our noses dripping and our heads aching. Instead of canceling plans we pretend that our illness doesn’t change a thing. We push through, because that’s what strong people do, right?

There are reams upon reams of research detailing our lack of self-compassion. That deficiency is partly to blame when we choose not to see a doctor or, as one study explains, ignore doctors’ recommendations, fume about the inconvenience of being incapacitated, and blame [ourselves] for the illness or injury.¹

A lack of kind feelings toward ourselves drives a lot of unhealthy behavior. Studies show it can cause us to overwork, neglect to use our vacation time, turn down invitations to social events, distance ourselves from intimate relationships, eat poorly, fail to exercise, and refrain from trying new things. One of the most surprising aspects of my research has been the extent to which we tune out this self-abuse. Much like a bad song that gets stuck in our heads, the sound fades into the background and we don’t appreciate the impact it has on our minds.

There is a steady stream of negativity flowing through our brains, yet people often fail to see the impact that disparagement has on our well-being. When I have worked with others and asked them to start taking note of how often they castigate themselves and what kind of language they use, they are almost universally surprised at the force of the reproaches

Reviews for It Starts with Self-Compassion

[Pia · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Everyone should read this. A hidden gem in Everand. Wish I had this sooner

[Muriel Keabetswe · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I could not finish reading this book because some of the words are close to another its a struggle

[Avtar Dhaliwal · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Well searched scientifically written excellent book. I liked the personal anecdotes and examples of various experiences. The book gives positive suggestions for improving self esteem and improving self confidence to achieve self compassion. All in all good provocative work for self compassion.