Self-Help 101 or: How to Select a Costume to Help You Deal With People

By L.G. Keltner

Book 3 in the Self-Help 101 series

Dani Finklemeier is adjusting to life in college and the realities of living away from home for the first time. She’s also learning to deal with the criticism that stems from sharing her writing with the world. Some of the online criticism is even spelled correctly, which somehow makes it worse.

Fortunately, she has a Halloween party, a group of friends, and a supportive boyfriend to distract her from the things that are bothering her. Of course, a holiday celebration wouldn’t be complete without something going wrong. Between an unpleasant confrontation with an infuriating classmate, some shocking costume choices, and a bizarre fraternity stunt, the evening will be anything but dull.

Dani’s detractors may not like it, but she’ll definitely have enough material for another book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: L.G. Keltner
• Release date: Sep 27, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370188536

L.G. Keltner

L.G. Keltner spends most of her time trying to write while also cleaning up after her crazy but wonderful kids and hanging out with her husband. Her favorite genre of all time is science fiction, and she’s been trying to write novels since the age of six. Needless to say, those earliest attempts weren’t all that good.Her non-writing hobbies include astronomy and playing Trivial Pursuit.

Book preview

Self-Help 101 or:

How to Select a Costume to Help You Deal With People

By L.G. Keltner

Self-Help 101 or: How to Select a Costume to Help You Deal With People

Copyright 2016 by L.G. Keltner

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. Published in the United States of America by L.G. Keltner. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Cover Art by L.G. Keltner and Jamon Walker

-1st edition

Table of Contents

Disclaimer

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Afterward

About the Author

Disclaimer:

One of these days I may have fame and fortune, but this is not that day. Nor will tomorrow be that day by the look of things. I have an internet troll as well as a personal one, as you’ll soon learn, so that might be considered some modest measure of success. You can have the trolls if you want, but you won’t have any luck gaining monetary compensation from me. Any negative outcomes that result from applying my advice to your daily life are therefore your problem. Do so at your own risk. I am, after all, a teenager with limited life experience. I may frequently be right, but not always.

Chapter 1

In which I deal with a persistent boyfriend and the unpleasant reality of internet comments.

As I stared at the laptop screen, I fought off a powerful urge to head-butt it and set it aflame. Such an action would only leave me with a bump on the head and a sad bank account.

It’s not the computer’s fault, I whispered to myself. The computer isn’t responsible for the stupidity of people. It just helps you see it.

My name is Dani Finklemeier, and I’m writing this book because I think we could all use a little help in learning how to deal with people from time to time. I certainly needed it at that particular moment.

Ah, but you don’t need a computer to see stupid people.

I jumped a little. I’d almost forgotten that my roommate Ruby was in our tiny kitchenette eating a bowl of cereal. She never bothered to sit down while she did this, opting instead to stand at the counter. I shot her a look over my shoulder. That’s true, but the internet comments sections do a great job of bringing the stupid people together.

Ruby snorted. Hopefully you’re not looking at your blog right now.

No. Most of the comments on my blog are relatively nice. I’ve only got the one troll. Oh, and I’ve been told three times in the last two days that I can make $87 an hour from just sitting in front of my computer. Judging from the state of my wallet, I don’t think it’s working.

If you do figure it out, let me know. I’m all for benefitting from being lazy, Ruby said around a mouthful of chocolatey cereal. She crunched away thoughtfully for a moment before continuing. You could always try doing vlogs instead. They’re more popular since most people prefer watching a video to reading a post.

As a writer, I find that rather depressing. Probably true, but definitely depressing. Besides, doing a vlog means getting dressed.

Ruby shook her head. That may not be entirely true. A lot of them could be recording without pants on, and no one would ever know.

I shuddered. Gross. Thanks for the mental imagery.

A knock at the door pulled my attention away from those disturbing thoughts. It’s open! I called out.

The front door of our student apartment swung open to admit our visitor. The door wasn’t open, Seth said as he crossed the room to stand behind me. It was unlocked. There’s a difference.

Oh, bite me, I muttered.

He placed his hands on my shoulders. Okay. That sounds fun. He leaned close, and I shivered as his teeth softly scraped against the sensitive skin of my neck.

"Now that’s gross, Ruby said. That proclamation was followed by the clatter of an empty cereal bowl and spoon being dropped into the sink. I need to get out of here before my blood sugar spikes."

I think your choice of snack might have more to do with that, I replied.

Cereal has never betrayed me! Ruby declared before retreating to her bedroom.

Seth’s head dropped onto my shoulder, his whole body shaking with laughter. Dani, you’ve got an interesting roommate. She reminds me of you in a lot of ways.

I nodded. Except she hates coffee, so I can’t bring myself to fully trust her.

Blasphemy!

I rested my head against his as I clicked back to my blog. After getting a brief glimpse of my newest comments, I sighed.

Your troll is back. Seth’s tone had darkened.

I know. Whoever it is, their spelling hasn’t improved. I closed my eyes to block out the offensive grammatical and spelling errors.

Note #1

On the internet, you can present yourself however you like. You can don any metaphorical costume you want. Any personality. However, if you decide to go the route I did and put yourself out there in an honest way, you need to be prepared for the assholes. If you can’t take it, don’t do it.

Note #2

Don’t waste your time worrying about the opinions of an angry person who can’t even be bothered to articulate that opinion coherently. It’ll only cause you more stress than it’s worth.

Seth was silent for several moments as he read the despicable comment. I wish I could punch whoever wrote that, he finally said. He was seething. The prospect of Seth rushing off to defend my honor was both laughable, because the guy may be many things but a fighter is not one of them, and sweet, albeit in a somewhat barbaric way. Not that I’m any better. I know I’m not. If anyone gave Seth too much of a hard time, I’d be right there plotting revenge.

You shouldn’t bother yourself too much over this comment, I said lightly. This person’s suggestions, while intriguing, would involve violating several known laws of physics.

I could have deleted the comment. I’d been tempted to go that route on multiple occasions, but I kept deciding against it. If the nasty comments were going to keep coming anyway, I’d rather wear them as a badge of honor. The fact that someone took the time to write such vile drivel meant that I had a growing audience with which I’d struck a chord. That couldn’t be all bad.

They also violate all known rules against excessive dickishness.

I stood up, forcing Seth to back away slightly, but I immediately snagged him and squeezed him in a big hug. True, but that’s their problem, not mine. Then I laughed. Besides, if I ever figured out who this person was, they’d have to deal with me themselves, and that would be a big problem for them. I might even end up pitying them.

I might too. You’re terrifying when you’re angry.

I started to reply, but Seth cut me off by kissing me. Maybe I should have been irritated by the interruption, but I was far too preoccupied to care. I wrapped my arms around him, sliding his backpack off his shoulders and setting it on the floor so I could hug him properly.

I missed you, he said when he pulled back.

I know you did. Then I tapped his shoulder with the back of my hand. Even though I just saw you this morning at breakfast.

He shrugged. What can I say? I think you have me under some kind of mind control.

If only. You wouldn’t leave your socks on the floor when you stay over if I did.

That reminds me. Can I stay here tonight? Isaac is having some old friends from high school over, and the apartment might be a bit crowded.

Isaac was Seth’s roommate, and they lived a couple of floors up from us. The guy is tiny, coming up to my shoulder, and scrawny. Even so, the dude has a startlingly loud voice, as do most of his friends. I couldn’t blame Seth for wanting to get