Self-Help 101 or: How to Survive a Bombardment With Minimal Injury

By L.G. Keltner

Book 2 in the Self-Help 101 Series

Dani Finklemeier has self-published her guide to taking over the world, but she still isn’t rich. Now she’s eighteen, still babysitting for money, and looking forward to starting college in the fall.

Of course, she has to survive a 4th of July outing with her family first. That’s a challenging prospect considering she has to be in close proximity with a group of cousins known as The Fallible Four. As if that weren’t enough, she also has to deal with the fallout of her parents learning more about her relationship with her boyfriend Seth than she ever wanted them to know.

The good news is that, if she survives this holiday, she’ll have plenty of material for another self-help book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: L.G. Keltner
• Release date: Jun 28, 2016
• ISBN: 9781311225863

L.G. Keltner

L.G. Keltner spends most of her time trying to write while also cleaning up after her crazy but wonderful kids and hanging out with her husband. Her favorite genre of all time is science fiction, and she’s been trying to write novels since the age of six. Needless to say, those earliest attempts weren’t all that good.Her non-writing hobbies include astronomy and playing Trivial Pursuit.

Book preview

Self-Help 101 or:

How to Survive a Bombardment With Minimal Injury

By L.G. Keltner

Self-Help 101 or: How to Survive a Bombardment With Minimal Injury

Copyright 2016 by L.G. Keltner

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. Published in the United States of America by L.G. Keltner. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Cover Art by L.G. Keltner and Jamon Walker

-1st edition

This book is dedicated to all the family and friends that deal with me on a regular basis. If only they had a handy guidebook for dealing with a quirky writer.

Table of Contents

Disclaimer

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Afterward

About the Author

Disclaimer:

Do not hold me, the author, accountable for anything that might happen if you choose to place yourself in harm’s way. This is a rough guide for dealing with a bombardment situation should you find yourself in one. These tips come from my own personal experience, and each situation may call for an individual set of survival skills.

Even if you think you might stand to gain something from blaming me for any misfortune that may befall you, think again. I may have written a couple of books now, but my bank account doesn’t seem to know it.

Chapter 1

In which potatoes become deadly and my mom stuns me with overly personal questions.

If I’d been paying proper attention, I would have seen the airborne French fry, and I would have observed that its trajectory was about to bring it into direct contact with my eye. Which means I should have seen it coming, right? That’s what happens when your mind has been numbed by three consecutive hours of children screaming.

Note #1

If you want to learn to survive a bombardment with minimal injury, you should start by studying the basics of ballistics. Any object can pose a threat, especially around children.

My name is Dani, and if you’re one of a handful of people who read my first book Self-Help 101 or: How I Learned to Take Over the World Through Tolerating My Family, then you’ll know from the opening paragraph that I didn’t achieve my goal. I still babysit for money. Perhaps I overestimated my ability to make tons of money by unleashing my words upon the world. Apparently self-publishing as an unknown writer makes sales difficult. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up, but I’m sure you guessed that. After all, you’re reading my second book, aren’t you?

As a side note, Richard Moneymaker Johnson’s book Self-Help 101: How to Write a Self-Help Book Regardless of Your Level of Expertise hit the bestseller’s lists soon after I purchased my copy. I’m not bitter about that, though. I swear I’m not.

Anyway, as I write this, I’m about to start college. I’ll get an on-campus job that in no way involves bratty children, and that should be good for me. I may still have to deal with idiots, but at least I won’t have to deal with the kicking and screaming.

At least, I hope not.

Anyway, let’s return to the issue of the flying French fry. The initial impact hurt. The human eye is quite sensitive to that sort of thing, after all. The fact that there was ketchup on it only exacerbated the issue. The intense stinging sensation was only made more irritating by the joyous laughter that erupted in response to my misery.

Note #2

Never assume anyone is unable to harm you due to their age or lack of access to traditional weapons. This is a logical extension of the first note. Children can wound you with almost anything. Don’t let their angelic faces lure you into complacency.

It took every ounce of restraint I had to hold back the stream of nasty words I itched to let loose. I was sitting at a kitchen table with a five-year-old and a three-year-old. If their parents came home to discover I’d helped them expand that part of their vocabulary, I doubt they’d have congratulated me on a job well done.

Reaching for a napkin, I dabbed at my eye. You both know that you’re not supposed to throw your food. At least not with that kind of accuracy. I tried to make my voice sound stern, but it came across as exhausted.

Tabitha giggled, prompting her little brother Toby to join in. They didn’t seem to be taking me all that seriously.

I cycled through all the things I could do or say to get them to listen to me. A lot of the ideas that came to mind were borderline illegal at best, and even the ones that weren’t were likely to prevent me from babysitting for this family again. If I didn’t need the money, I might not have cared.

I looked at the wall clock above the sink. It was almost 6:30. The summer sun still shone through the window. Only another hour or so left before Tabitha and Toby’s mother got home from work.

In the end, I chose the only threat I could make without any negative repercussions. If that food ends up anywhere other than your mouths, I’ll tell your mother when she gets here. Then I settled back in my chair and tried to distract myself with one wonderful fact. This was the last night I’d be babysitting for the next couple of days. My family was going on a trip for the 4th of July, and while I knew I’d be surrounded by annoying relatives, we’d also be outdoors most of the time.

That thought kept me in a good enough place mentally that I was able to dodge the chicken nugget that had launched in the hopes of joining its brethren in a pilgrimage to my orbital socket.

* * *

The moment I stepped through my front door, Mom descended on me. She had the steely look of determination on her face she always had when a work-related deadline was fast approaching. That couldn’t be a good sign. I wracked my brain for all the things I might have done to put that look there but came up empty handed.

Are you and Seth having sex? The question was delivered like a battering ram.

Note #3

Awkward questions can be just as jarring as airborne fried foods. If escape proves impossible, you need to be prepared to minimize and/or repair the damage.

My stomach knotted with apprehension, but I tried to play it cool. It would be impressive if we were considering we’re not even in the same house right now.

Mom laughed, and her features relaxed. You know what I mean, Dani. The two of you have been dating for more than six months, and you’re both eighteen now. You’re starting college at the end of next month. I just want to know the truth. I promise I won’t get mad.

It seemed like a potential trap, but I didn’t see a good way to avoid it. Letting out a weary sigh that had me looking like a helium balloon two weeks post-celebration, I nodded. "Yes. Seth and