The Process: Return from the Far Side of Hope

By Gayle Gullick

The Process chronicles the 9 year road to recovery that the author traveled to find her way out of the darkness and hopelessness of the depression and anxiety that had become her life. Growing up with a mother and father who suffered from mental illness, the author struggled with the fear of becoming a victim herself. Having been told by physicians that if she hadn't showed symptoms by age 27 that she was "out of the woods", she was certain that, at age 40 plus, she could breathe a sigh of relief and get on with her life. It came as quite a shock, when in the middle of remodeling her house, she was struck by a series of debilitating panic attacks. Seized by a fear unlike she had ever experienced she set about the task of staying alive and trying to make sense of a world turned upside down by mental illness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jun 27, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483502564

Book preview

ISBN: 9781483502564

Table of Content

Forward

The Process: Return from the Other Side of Hope

Prologue: Please Read

Chapter 1: All My Fears Appear

Cold...Sticky...Wet

A Little Background

Ephesians-6:13-17

Chapter 2: What’s Up Doc??

I Am So Angry

Chapter 3: The World Comes Crashing Down

I Cried Again Today

Chapter 4: Here Come the Drugs

Try Not to Understand

Chapter 5: My Worst Fears Realized

Chapter 6: Here Come More Drugs

Chapter 7: Good Vs. Evil

Chapter 8: Now We Can Do This The Easy Way, Or the Hard Way…..

Soul: Something’s Burning and I Think It’s...Us??

Chapter 9: Why Can’t You Understand?

Body

Spirit

Chapter 10: The Heart of the Matter

Chapter 11: Why Can’t Anyone Understand?

Soul Nugget: Believe In Yourself

Chapter 12: What If….

Chapter 13: The Sovereignty of God

Living Sacrifice

I would to take this opportunity to let you know what you can and cannot expect to find in this book. What I will try very hard not to do is to give a lot of technical explanations and to use an excess of medical jargon to define and explain panic attacks and depression. If you have been suffering with this life altering illness long enough to be searching for answers in this book, you probably have enough first-hand knowledge of the disorder to be writing a book yourself. I will try to give a basic overview of some of the common triggers and stressors to bring about panic and depression. I will be using the terms panic attack, panic, and anxiety interchangeably for simplicities sake. It may not be technically the same thing, but as I stated, I am not into the technicalities, simply the real everyday life of someone that has been suffering from a disorder that causes as much pain and discomfort in the mind as any physical ailment can cause in your body. Although it truly is all in your head, it has its roots in very real physical malfunctions of the brain chemistry. It is an unfortunate fact that people think of mental illness as a weakness or something to be ashamed of. But as science progresses and modern technology develops ways to actually see the way the diseased or chemically imbalanced brain shows up on pet scans, it is time that we stop allowing mental illness to take a back seat to physical illness and to start treating patients with the same care, compassion and dignity as someone suffering from diabetes or cancer. Before I began having panic attacks and suffering from depression, I had a lot of physical aches and pains from two separate car accidents. I had also dealt with Crohn’s Disease for most of my adult life. I stood on my front steps one night and cried out bitterly to God, complaining and whining to Him about what a hard lot in life he had given me to bear and wondering if I might not be better off dead. I felt like a traitor, complaining about my circumstances, when I knew that there were so many others who had it so much worse than me. But, I truly didn’t know if I could take the pain and didn’t think things could get much worse. Being a hairdresser brought special challenges when my neck, shoulders and back seemed to be in constant agony. I prayed for God to show me mercy. Instead, I found that just as when a headache makes you not remember how bad your stomach was hurting, the onset of mental anguish would make me forget all about my physical pain, in fact I would have happily swapped back to the old pain, pain that while hard to bear, could sometimes be quieted with anti-inflammatory drugs and while I slept. But, this new pain; there was no escape, no way to hide. On the rare occasions that I was able to fall asleep, I was jolted awake by nocturnal panic attacks.

I was simply left wondering, What fresh hell is this? I am going to lay out the book in such a manner that you will be able to read it chapter by chapter or go straight to the help!!! sections when needed. I have placed actual pages from my journal between each chapter, as well as scripture verses and soul nuggets that I hope you will find inspiring and uplifting as you go through your own process.

I would like to point out that I am in no way affiliated with any medical field or organization that gives me any special credentials. All that I can offer is advice and support based on my own Process of recovery from severe panic disorder and depression. I know that at times it will be hard to believe that you will ever recover and regain any part of the normal life you once knew. I have been there and I assure you I shared the same feelings that you are having. I truly feel that I had one of the most extreme cases of panic disorder that one could have. I went to doctor after doctor, read everything I could get my hands on, prayed until I couldn’t find any more words and then let the Holy Spirit take over where I left off. I had a very traumatic childhood, even though if you had asked me I would have told you I was just fine, thank you, and several times I think my counselors began to doubt whether I would make it out alive. I tell you all of this for no other reason than to assure you that if I can recover, I KNOW that you can also.

I also will include a section for your friends and family, to give them a guide to show how they can help to support you and to give them a little more understanding of what you are going through. I encourage you to make sure they know that the resources are available to them.

It is my hearts’ desire and with my most fervent prayers, that I leave the Process of my recovery in the past and begin the Process of what I believe to be my calling in life; writing this book to share my experience and hope with others, to help show them the way, through the word of God and His promise of the Joy that comes in the morning.

The Process:

Return from the Other Side of Hope

By Gayle Childers Gullick

Prologue: Please read me...

For years I have struggled with how to approach writing this book. In the meantime hundreds, perhaps thousands, have struggled with and possibly lost the battle with some form of mental illness, I can remain silent no longer. So, perhaps you will forgive me if I don’t get this perfect. Part of my illness is struggling with the need for everything to be perfect, getting it right! But, that would make this about me and pointless insecurities that would put me off track, and delay my message of the hope and healing that I so desperately sought and finally found; a message that I would like to share with you.

I wish that I could tell you that it was easy; it wasn’t. I wish I could tell you that I had some control over my journey and where it would lead me; I didn’t. I wish most of all that I could tell you that it was painless and quick; Oh no, it certainly was neither of these things. That is why I chose to call this book The Process. I wanted a magic pill, something or someone to help me, to cure me, to save me from being swallowed up in the black hole that loomed before me. But, I would soon find out that this was not to be.

Chapter One:

All My Fears Appear

I suppose that I should just dive in, so here goes. So many people have asked me whether my symptom developed gradually, over a period of time or was it was suddenly, out of the blue? Speaking back then, I definitely said suddenly, like falling out of the sky, like ripping the carpet out from under me,