Cut

By C. Rae Johnson

We wear our pain like armor for all we've been through, for all we've survived, building layers of walls to keep others out, containing our bleeding within, not ever realizing we are in need of healing—healing from our past, healing from our pain.  Time…will not do it!
We all have experienced hurts and pain, leaving well-hidden scars on the inside, with enormous voids ready to be filled.  In a world full of addictions and temptations at our disposal, we are deceptively offered relief from the mounting pressures building within yet leaving us numb.
We may have suffered great loss, abandonment, betrayal, horrible offenses, rejection, and abuses of many kinds, leaving us confused and untrusting, taking matters into our own hands.  We may be stuck in a time loop reliving past offenses and hurtful events, bitter and scarred by the hurt of others who have inflicted their pain on us.
We may feel we are unable to heal, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try—our pain just keeps coming back!   We may have even come to the place where we think we have beat it on our own only to find our hurts, our pain, masked within our addiction, resurface yet again.
How can you finally heal your hurts, your hidden scars, when the wounds keep bleeding on the inside?  Open up and find out how.  There is hope!  You can overcome!  You can be healed!  You can live in freedom from your addiction!  You no longer need to be "cut", bleeding out your hurt for relief.  You can experience true relief, healing and joy within, once again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: C. Rae Johnson
• Release date: Apr 30, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393988090

C. Rae Johnson

Writing has been in my blood my whole life, even as a nurse & personal trainer but life always got in the way to pursue it further. That was until a life changing event changed my world, but offered me the time to finally write. I was sidelined by a Traumatic Brain Injury and developed Post-Concussion Syndrome but by the grace of God I was able to complete books and am continuing to do so. My life altering event shows how good can come out of bad. I strive to educate others through empathy, compassion & experience relating to our common needs, offering real solutions and practical ways of help, inspiring hope for a future. There is so much more than meets the eye and no one should ever give up. I'm living proof of that! We all need to persevere and just keep going, even through our difficult times in life. I'm giving back through my writing, for the Grace that was given unto me. Let's all become Battle Ready!*A Donation will be made to Hopes House Kenya Orphans for every book purchase. Than you for your support!

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C. Rae Johnson

Copyright

Copyright © 2019 by C. Rae Johnson

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of author.

All rights reserved. Use by permission.

Cover design by John Johnson

Scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version (Public domain) of the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, New American Standard Version and the New International Version.

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from the New American

Standard Bible® (NASB), Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org"

THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

ISBN: 9781393988090

Dedication

To all who are hurting .  May you find healing.

Soli Deo Gloria

Glory to God Alone

CUT

The Hidden Scars

Darkened Awareness

The hour had come that I thought I had already met, departed from even, and that was to be no more.  Nevertheless, there I stood, face to face with myself and that despairing moment once again.  Darkened with confusion and chaos hovering, pressing in even, that was so deeply intertwined with voids of emotional pain along with an overburdening of the heart, I was ultimately presented with a choice, a battle if you will, a temptation to take the easy way out, just for a moment of immediate relief. 

The choice beckoning before me, insight to a memory, was surely a poor one—and I knew it full well.  Yet, it still had a lure unlike anything else, an illusionary strength for a time of weakness, that I was drawn to in moments like this; as if I was under its control.

However, if I were to choose this recourse again, would it be unconvincing in the long run?  Would it not only inconspicuously fool others as I continually fooled myself into thinking this was any kind of solution or remedy, as unacceptable as it was and always is?  No one would ever know what was behind the affect of my expression, my convincing smile, hiding something truly hidden.  Could I really go on forever doing this without no one ever finding out?  Or, would it just be a mask I would wear, covering a world of pain? 

This mask in all its reality, is a covering much like a veil, hiding internal wounds through hidden scars.  It is a thick armor unintentionally offering a chink, though unnoticed, that has been built upon layer by layer through many years of hurts and pain.  It only really served to keep others out and the bleeding temporarily contained; though occasionally would spill over into the world in different ways meanwhile the only thing ever being recalled was what all is survived. 

This self treatment is a substitute for a remedy, a healing, and a cure.  It is a temporary and false filler of voids, a mere bandage to cover up a wound, and a niche of misplaced honor, that only has the ability to offer more pain, as the real pain never truly goes away.  It is a deceptively false way of lifting burdens that are much too heavy to carry, inflicting even more, the longer it continues.  Finally, it carries a title for a coping mechanism that so many people, unbeknownst, are labeled with, one that I never wished to be called, nor need to be anymore—and neither do you!

This coping mechanism, though quick and convenient, would leave me emotionally and potentially physically impoverished, if not spiritually as well, due to great development of guilt and shame that was always sure to follow.  The coping technique of this struggle, this battle in dealing with a world of negative emotions, can leave anyone confronting the problem emotionally bankrupt in a most unhealthy and negative way.  It deals with raw uninhibited emotion and wrestles with an unreasonable outlet that somehow becomes acceptable within the battlefield of our own mind.  Once we rationalize to ourselves that it is no big deal or that it is somehow being acceptable, mistakenly thinking we will forever be able to get away with it, does it then mean that we’ve lost touch with reality to what is beneficial?

At the climax of this type of battle, logic just seems to be non-existent and clarity becomes ultimately clouded in that heat of the moment circumstance we are faced with when knowledge, or should I say, wisdom, seems nowhere to be found—as the inevitable impending damage is absent from our purview and does not really matter as much as instant relief does.  It never really does!  Does it? 

When this type of confrontation happens that engages not only the mind but the will as well, because there is a belief system at work here operating on false beliefs, for me, the only thing that seems to really matter is being able to just breathe again—and a breath is what I not only want but deeply need within my core at that moment, within my momentary suffocation, because I never want to die inside any further than the battles have already killed.

I could almost hear your thoughts now as they may begin to scramble through your mind—some form of, What could it be? with the obvious yet rarely talked about action surfacing to the forefront.

You would be right if you were to guess what I am about to reveal.  In all actuality, this is most difficult to admit, let alone expose for the world to also now know, as my only circle of anyone having this knowledge about myself included only my husband; and that wasn’t even until more recent years—several years after the onset.

Let me begin with an introduction, not the kind mostly found in other books that you have most likely read, nor in the ones that I have already written and published.  This introduction is much more revealing with minimal words to convey the main subject matter.  So here we go!  Full disclosure.

Hello!  My name is Carolyn.  I am a wife and a mother.  I’m an educated person in the nursing field of medicine, personal training and have co-run home-based businesses with my husband, though all has changed dramatically for me ever since I suffered a brain injury a few years back.

I’m a self-published author and wholeheartedly enjoy my passion that has become full-time for me, mainly due to health and cognitive challenges but I feel absolutely Blessed to be able to share my experiences on paper for others to read, hoping to help others through my pain.  (Hey, that’s what we are supposed to do, right?  To give of ourselves through our gifts, to help others any way we can, and experience fulfillment in the process). 

A little more about me:  I’m a lover of cute and cuddly kitties and puppies, as well as enjoy all nature and I love to go for walks to be right in the middle of all the beauty that our magnificent landscapes upon this beautiful earth have to offer.  I am a believer in taking care of your health naturally as well as exercising physical movement for strength, endurance and overall health, to be able to enjoy a sense of well-being.

I’m shy and introvert by nature, always wanting to hide in the background and often have a hard time trusting people, probably due to past hurts and uncomfortable memories. 

My primary love language is quality time spent with those whom I love, and maybe also words of affirmation as a secondary—as the opposite, hurtful words can really cut deep to the core and wound immensely leaving painful hidden scars.

I enjoy any date days/nights, (quality time) with my husband that I can get, as well as dreaming about a wonderful future full of hope; despite what my circumstances may reveal and also my struggling with various health issues related to my past brain injury—but sometimes things get the better of me.

I frequently need quiet time alone to just break away from any noise, to recharge on the inside and gain any ounce of energy I can to be able to take on the rest of the day—and also need time to write, pray, read, and meditate on the Word of God to carry me through. 

I am analytical by nature and quite the intuitive thinker, as I over analyze everything—wanting to be in the know of how and why.  I’m quite reserved, having a quiet spirit and need time to process new information, plans, opportunities and schedules alone first before committing to anything, searching for patterns in almost everything.  I am also discerning in spirit and am genuinely conscious of what lies underneath a person, place or motive.  I suppose these thinking traits can make for great detective work, if I were to be Nancy Drew, but my passion, my life’s work, is writing.

My favorite flower is an Iris in the deepest and most beautiful bluish-purple tones.  My favorite food... I’m not really sure because I love so many, but I am especially fond of gnocchi with lots and lots of sauce, vegetables and salads, various meat nachos and of course pizza—though my hips may love them even more.  I also do realize that I need to be cautious of inflammatory foods for health reasons, due to a fairly new developed auto-immune disease along with Fibromyalgia—because physical pain can be increased by certain foods.   

It’s funny to me that I can voice all my favorites now, because there was a point in my life where I had lost myself and could not come up with a single one.  Still, though I consciously know what I like now, I’ve always been far from being all I could be.  Aren’t we all!

In addition to all that’s written above here, I am a lover of chocolate, wine and strawberries, as well as a lover of truth.  I’m a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and walk with Him daily, as He has saved me—and continually still does in more ways than I can count.  (Oh, you don’t know all the ways and times He has shown up in my life, letting me know I’m not alone and that I am loved!  Hey, I should write a book...or many!)  Yes, I am God’s child. 

Also...I’m a cutter. 

Wow!  Now if that doesn’t hit you in the gut, take your pulse because it just hit me again.  This truly was not easy for me to admit.  Actually, it was harder than I thought it would be, to purposely put that phrase into words for the whole world to read.  But it needed to be done, nonetheless.   Hey, it’s not like I ever planned it to be some sort of title for me, nor have I wanted to be doing that to myself, and I never dreamed about being one as an adult.  As a child, I never thought, This will be how I handle painful hurts—attempting to release enormous pressure and pain, because my emotions could not handle the overloading strain.  Yet, there I was hiding this secret, of hidden hurts and hidden scars.  The best thing I could do now, as it followed me into adulthood, is to release the pain for good, by releasing the heavy burden of cutting, through sharing this hurt to others hurting in the hope of helping to release some of their pain.  We have enough pain in this decaying and hurtful world, so why not encourage and build others up instead by helping them cope, helping you to cope and to let you know, though your scars are hidden—you are not alone!

The time to share my story is now!  It is time—high time!  It is time for me to get out of my comfort zone, open up my heart and share my not so pretty life from behind the scenes to a hurting world, in the hopes of letting others know, they are not alone.

It is time to share a far less acceptable addiction, beyond any others I’ve had, and the hidden scars left behind.  Do you know anyone that can relate?

A Season for Everything

Perhaps you have either read, heard of the saying, or even heard this placed to melody, Biblical Scripture actually from the book of Ecclesiastes chapter 3 verse 1, written by King Solomon (King David’s son), "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:" This holds true for everything in life so why not now as well.

Afterall, we all go through seasons in life, we all go through hurts in life, that we do not understand.  Some tough situations are a little more lengthy than others and even repetitive, that are used to ultimately grow us, building faith, forging us to not only endure but to also persevere!  All that we experience in life can prepare us for what still may lie ahead, as we go from strength to strength.

Time—it definitely is!  It is time to tell this true tale, a memoir of my story, and it is time to be healed.  It is time to share some of my pain, in the hope of letting others know that they too can find healing from their hurts and from their pain, where they have been cut to the core.  You too can find healing from your pain.  It is time to announce, there is hope and a way out, both from the hurts of internal wounds as well as external, because sometimes, the pain from internal wounds is greater.

How do I know it is time for me to share something so personal?  Because my cuts, my wounds, both external and internal, have formed scars.  They are healed!

In the wisdom of this writer of Ecclesiastes, he was also a preacher, teacher and king, full of profound knowledge to share with others.  So, why not share with others what we have learned, not only academically, but also through the school of hard knocks, through the negative and painful moments and experiences of real life—through true grit! 

Why do we feel the need to hide within our comfort zones, telling people only what we think they want to hear, afraid of what our reality may bring about?  I’m not talking about complaining or constantly telling people all the negative things going on within our own lives.  I’m just talking about letting people in, not to make us vulnerable or unsafe, but to share experiences capable of birthing hope and comradery, creating human bonds within our relationships to help enrich our lives making living more what it is meant to be; to be shared.

Not everyone, only wants to hear the good stuff and all that fluff in life, as if we were in the middle of a grand fairytale.  We get enough of that already from almost everyone, everywhere we go, what we watch in movies and television, and what we see within those whom we know.  Grass both always and only seems to be greener with people bragging about this and that.  Other people’s lives are constantly being presented as either being perfect or near that, (though we can find it’s only an illusion), or the complete opposite with a victim mentality trying to drag us further down into their discouragement, leaving everyone feeling sorry and completely drained. 

However, real life is not a fairytale showing ease, comforts, delights, and dreams come true.   We do not all meet our prince charming and more times than we care to admit, there is always that poisoned apple just waiting for us, lurking around the dark corners of our lives. 

It is in the raw, nitty gritty grime of brokenness, in the things going terribly wrong in life, being rampant with all kinds of discomforts, hurts and pain that resonates to a broken and decaying world.  Think about it.  We have all been broken in life at one time or another.  Perhaps you are broken right now.  But know that it is through our brokenness and the scars left behind in place of the wounds, the hurts, that we actually have the ability to offer hope to others in need—to finally seek healing.   

It is through life’s battle wounds that we become warriors and get to share life to its fullest.  It is through human connections, tangible real-life communication with others in person, not via cell phones, that we form trusting bonds that allows for the sharing of our lives to one another, and to build some good memories.

Many times, we may feel like we are trapped as we seek to fill a deep need of ours.  We run to what we feel is an escape out of our perceived entrapment, not ever realizing what we often run to ends up really enslaving us.  Through our bondage to our quick release or misguided and only temporary fulfillment, we end up losing our own identity and our sense of self-worth as we start to take on a new one and lower our own standards; one that continues to tempt us and rule over our fragile emotional state—without realizing that in order to start healing we need to recognize our emotions and deal with them for what they are; something very real feeling yet unreliable.  We need to get back to the source, back to the time where they all started and learn to understand why it is we react the way that we do and why we may be feeling a certain way that allows us to fill our need in harmful ways.

Oftentimes through our brokenness we are seeking to fill a void, forever searching to find a light in our darkness, a life to cling to, always searching for truth amongst the chaos of lies and deceptions, ever pursuing a path, the way through our trials, tribulations and our many temptations; just to still be standing.  We all have broken stories and therefore it is extremely easy to get off course in life, off the path of our own unique journey.

If we can find ourselves on the straight and narrow path leading to light, we can find our way out of our darkness and have that light illuminate the way, leading us to some brightness in our future, giving us hope to just keep going; which is something many people now days only dream about or wish for, as if it were merely just fantasy.

However sometimes, even when we are on the right path, there are forces that somehow sabotage moments in time, points of our life, that can leave us more than just a little frazzled.  They have the potential to devastate us, leaving us frozen in that time frame, completely paralyzed within our chaos, emotionally out of control and feeling completely drained and overwhelmed, overburdened and over pressured, immobilizing us from venturing forward. 

What we both choose to believe and do whenever we experience any extreme trials in life can and does have a great impact not only on ourselves, but also on those around us, especially those closest to us, affecting our future and future relationships.  The decisions we make from the choices we are presented with, even if they are only presented within our own minds as seemingly being the only alternatives to any present situation, do have a lasting and very profound impact that can penetrate the remainder of our lives and of those we care about.  How we then deal with it, whenever trouble comes our way, is also a choice of ours alone to make. 

Life is not easy and is full of bumpy roads and twists and turns.  It can only be planned out to a certain degree as we are never really in control.  We would be wise to be open to the possibilities of expecting the unexpected as we let go of our sometimes impossible expectations of people, events and how life should roll on our terms, even if the unexpected upsets our plans, and especially when the unexpected causes an internal uproar of emotions when our flesh cries out, Hey!  I didn’t sign up for this! 

Did you know that your circumstance can be a huge distraction that can potentially take you off course in life from where you should be headed, taking you away from your purpose?  But with that being said, your circumstance can ultimately serve to help fulfill your purpose, as an opportunity for growth within and for victory over future circumstances, better equipping you for future battles.  Your circumstance has the means to help you by not only helping to meet your future needs but to also meet the needs of others as well; if only you let it.  Your circumstance at any given time, and your reaction to it can either mold you into who you are supposed to be—or into someone you don’t want to be.  It’s going to take courage not to hide from who you are to become; to be all you can be.  You’re going to need to live on purpose and fulfill your destiny.

If only we can all live with purpose through each of our experiences in life, as we seek to help others in their pain through our own pain, we can find joy in the midst of it all, in addition to healing our internal wounds and scars.

Unfortunately, whenever the unexpected is unpleasant, we often fight back internally, fighting a battle within, expressing many types of emotions such as anger, worry, anxiousness, doubt, fear, discouragement, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, and even rejection. 

Many times, we go inward and start to isolate ourselves as we feel beaten down, abandoned, and full of despair.  We may become depressed, confused and frozen in time to our chaos that seems to just flip our world upside down; not even knowing where to begin to go next or how to move forward again.  Sometimes it’s just easier to hide as we listen to our negative thought patterns rather than to face what’s happening and deal with our circumstance through courageous hope that everything will work out, somehow. 

All of these unsettled feelings within us is a whole bunch of negative deception right there, and doesn’t even include every possibility, to further upset our plans, potentially causing us to act in poor judgment, to react to our circumstances or to people right before us through our own past emotional pain coming into the present, regarding any decisions we may make herein out.

Whenever we are hurt by either circumstances or people, we tend to reflect that hurt back, whether to them or to others in our path, through negative emotions either outwardly or inwardly.  We may direct our hurt towards others through insult for having been insulted ourselves in retaliation, or unintentionally holding it internally within ourselves, attempting to lock it away and bury it forever.  However, pain can only be locked away for so long as pressure will start to build, and when the right key comes along, the right trigger source, the lock will suddenly be opened and there will be an outpouring of negativity through verbal, physical and even passive aggressive behaviors and assaults.

Helping Others Hurting Through Our Own Hurt

If we can ultimately help someone else going through the same thing we are, no matter how painful due to similar circumstances, then it was not all in vain. Helping others helps us heal too and to understand a reason for it all; though much of what we do in life is for vanity sake, which only adds to our human travail.  Getting past the vanity of it all and putting others ahead of ourselves changes our focus and our view of life in addition to making us more aware of where we are headed.  We all live in a hurting world filled with wounds waiting to be healed, and scars that are ready to be shared. 

In a world that’s full of selfishness, self-love, self-absorption, self-centeredness, gossip, greed and pride, frequently leading to narcissism, there is an opposite end resulting in worthlessness and uselessness, a deep discouragement that becomes so vast that it breeds despair, prompting another form of self-absorption—one that can give way to becoming a victim of our own circumstance.  It is in a sense an unforgiveness of our self for how our life turned out.

We really do need to be extra careful in how we proceed, of our next move,