Do It Anyway: Realizing Your Worth in a World That Makes You Feel Inadequate

By Renzo A. Reyes

We are often our own worst critics-but what happens when society and its inhabitants are the bigger critics?

We get told that we can't. When we hear that enough, we believe that we can't. Unlike most self-help works, Renzo Reyes' Do It Anyway: Realizing Your Worth in a World That Makes Yo

• Language: English
• Publisher: New Degree Press
• Release date: Jun 27, 2022
• ISBN: 9798885042468

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Do It Anyway

Do It Anyway

Realizing Your Worth in a World That Makes You Feel Inadequate

Renzo A. Reyes

New Degree Press

Copyright © 2022 Renzo A. Reyes

All rights reserved.

Do It Anyway

Realizing Your Worth in a World That Makes You Feel Inadequate

ISBN

979-8-88504-134-8 Paperback

979-8-88504-767-8 Kindle Ebook

979-8-88504-246-8 Ebook

To those who helped me do it anyway:

My dad, Alex, who bravely became the first of our family to do it anyway,

My mom, Carolina, who showed me how to dream,

My sister, Andrea, who paved every stepping stone on my path,

My husband, Kevin, who taught me how to tap into my own strength,

And to all my mentors, who saw the potential in me before I even knew it was there.

Contents

A Note

Introduction

Part I. What Is Internalized Inadequacy?

Chapter 1. Internalized Inadequacy

Chapter 2. Belonging and Othering

Chapter 3. Self-Sabotaging Shame

Chapter 4. The Pursuit of Purpose

Part II. How Can I Protect Myself from Internalized Inadequacy?

Chapter 5. Active Reminders of Inadequacy

Chapter 6. Passive Reminders of Inadequacy

Part III. How Do I Do It Anyway despite My Internalized Inadequacy?

Chapter 7. The Challenges for Change

Chapter 8. Challenge #1: Accept to Reject

Chapter 9. Challenge #2: Unlearn to Learn

Chapter 10. Challenge #3: Celebrate to Appreciate

Chapter 11. Challenge #4: Aim to Aspire

Chapter 12. Challenge #5: Persist to Prevail

Conclusion: Do It Anyway

Acknowledgments

Appendix

A Note

Though I have proudly dedicated two years to studying this topic, I am not a licensed mental health professional. The contents of this book should not be used to diagnose or treat any mental health issues, nor should they be considered a replacement or alternative to psychotherapy. The value of this book lies in mapping out a meaningful framework for demystifying and reconciling a commonly experienced mental health issue from an angle not frequently explored. I ask you to consider it a supplement to your growth as you heal from the effects of the pernicious forces of hate in the world and discover what it means to love and value yourself in spite of it all.

Introduction

What is wrong with you?

You’re so dumb.

You’re not pretty.

You’re a disgrace.

You will never amount to anything.

"You can’t do this."

You want to be confident. You want to love yourself. You want to feel like you have value, yet you’re not sure whether you do. Why?

Because you’ve been told your whole life that you are not enough.

Maybe you haven’t been told this, yet you still believe it.

We all have an inner critic that loves to stand in the way of what we want. The idea of the inner critic isn’t new. Experts from all over seem to have the answer for addressing it: Ignore it. Stop thinking like that. Fake it till you make it.

While not inherently bad advice, it all fails to account for one critical factor: What happens when the voice of your inner critic is amplified by the world around you?

You want to accept yourself as queer, but hate groups declare you’re a walking sin. You want to feel beautiful in your melanated skin, but the world only shows you Eurocentric beauty. You want to be considered normal, but others treat you with pity—or flat-out mockery—for your disability. You want to feel like you’re valued, but school, work, and society at large show you that you’re not.

After receiving the message of inadequacy enough, your inner critic is no longer confined to a voice in your mind but is a fully-fledged core belief grounded in shame. It disrupts your everyday behaviors, contorts your sense of self-worth, and blocks your path to pursuing a more meaningful life.

To this issue, no one seems to have the right solution.

On one side, self-help content offers a wealth of knowledge geared to help you chase your dreams. However, it brushes over or outright ignores the systemic barriers that prevent someone like you from pursuing the same opportunities as everyone else. On the other side, social justice initiatives courageously work to dismantle these same systemic barriers. However, they tend to focus more on addressing the issue at large and less on showing you as an individual how to cope with the trauma you’re left with in its wake.

Neither of these measures on their own shows you what to do about the belief of inadequacy you’ve now adopted, nor do they show you how to still live the life you want to live in spite of it. Some believe that to propose such strategies would mean condoning the cruel injustices of the world and shifting the blame onto the individual for a problem that society caused them in the first place.

This notion is not only wrong; it’s dangerous. When internalized oppression is the most overlooked of its kind, ignoring it means leaving those affected with no control over their own lives and entirely at the mercy of an unjust world. We don’t have to wait until systems of oppression are officially dismantled before we take back that control.

While we push for a just and equitable world, we can regain ownership over our own minds, spirits, and destinies. Doing so can, in fact, better equip us to push for the change we so desperately need to see in the world. Whether or not we know it yet, we have the power to choose how the oppressive adversity we face affects us—and how we respond to it. This is not at all easy or straightforward, but it is necessary if we wish to live a life free from the influences of the doubt lurking within and all around us. While I have no doubt you could figure out the method yourself, some direction can go a long way and save you an indispensable amount of time and pain.

That’s the goal of Do It Anyway: to arm you with the tools to take back control over your own future when that control has been taken from you by pernicious forces. This book will supply you with the knowledge to understand and break down the destructive belief of inadequacy that has plagued you your whole life. It will challenge you to reprogram that belief into one of self-worth so you can freely pursue your most passionate endeavors. Unlike most other self-help works, this book won’t ask you to ignore your fear or the obstacles in your path but rather to expect them, stare them down, and do it anyway. The do it anyway mantra will be flexible enough for you to apply toward any and all facets of your life.

This book is the physical manifestation of me confronting my own cumbersome mental strain of inadequacy which built up inside me for twenty-six years of my life every day that I was called a beaner, illegal, faggot, nerd, loser, and an idiot; with every priest, doctor, or teacher who suggested I was a walking sin for being gay; every time I had to self-identify on legal forms as an illegal alien; and every time I was told that I had everything handed to me because I am Latino.

In this book, you’ll read about the lives of unique individuals representing multiple walks of life who also wrestled with the idea that they were fundamentally flawed. You’ll hear about their highest highs, lowest lows, and everything in between. You’ll see how, over time, they built the resilience they needed to do it anyway.

If you’ve ever found yourself contending with the enduring belief that you are not enough, this book can help you understand why and, more importantly, what to do about it.

Although this book intends to specifically guide those who internalize the messages of oppression toward healing, it can still be beneficial to you in one of two ways:

It can provide a unique opportunity to learn how to best support a family member, partner, or close friend who you believe may experience this internal complex.

Although you may not be directly disadvantaged by societal structures, if you grew up experiencing poignant rejection, neglect, or denigration from family, peers, or other figures in your life, the techniques outlined in this book could also help you accept and heal from your belief of inadequacy.

Regardless of your situation, healing from trauma can be painful, especially when you confront it at the source. My duty is to inform you now: this book will not be an easy read. The chapters ahead force you to consider topics, issues, and perspectives that otherwise may have never crossed your mind. Some of them may trigger upsetting memories or intense emotions. Some of them may make you feel uncomfortable. I know I certainly felt that way when I uncovered much of what I will soon present to you, and the feeling only intensified when I penned it all onto paper.

If and when you become uncomfortable, too, I implore you to lean in further and let the moment sit with you as you reflect on why you might feel that way. These are the moments you’ll stand to grow from the most. Wise minds change and strong hearts endure as they allow themselves to evolve by accepting a reality outside of the one they think they know—even if it’s scary at first.

In the moments of this journey where you find you just can’t believe in yourself, know that I believe in you. I believe in your ability to come out of this stronger and embolden yourself to do whatever you set your mind on. Despite how difficult the road has already been for you, despite all your apprehensions, and despite the obstacles in your path forward, I still believe you can do it anyway.

Part I:

What Is Internalized Inadequacy?

1

Internalized Inadequacy

Wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.

—Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

Fired up for her first day of school, Lizzie Velásquez walked into her classroom ready to make a ton of friends. Her mood quickly flipped when she tried to talk to a girl in her class who appeared petrified to see Lizzie.

What are you? the classmate asked her.

Lizzie thought she might have better luck at the playground, but again, the kids she tried to talk to either ran away in fear or yelled out horrible insults.

Weighing in at two pounds, eleven ounces, Lizzie Velásquez was born to Mexican American parents in Austin, Texas. She has a condition known as Marfan lipodystrophy syndrome, which prevents her from gaining any weight (SXSW, 2016). At the time of this writing, this rare disability has only been known to affect six other people around the world (Passarge et al., 2016). In addition, Lizzie is also blind in one eye.

When Lizzie was just seventeen years old, an eight-second, soundless video of her was published online. It labeled her as The Ugliest Woman in the World. As she frantically scoured through the comments section hoping to find at least one nice comment, she instead discovered a torrent of derision:

Do the world a favor and kill yourself, someone commented.

Why didn’t your parents abort you? read another.

She would endure this torture for the rest of her life. Both in person and online, people went out of their way just to remind Lizzie of how different she really was. She came to develop a passionate hate for her disability, believing her identity was defined by the unspeakable words of her tormentors.

At a certain point in her life, Lizzie had to accept that the contemptuous comments would never end. People would berate her for her disability throughout the rest of her life. She began to focus on herself and her growth, developing the mental fortitude allowing her to blaze through whatever life threw her way.

As she describes in what is now her most highly rated TEDx Talk with upward of twelve million views, she declares to the world: Tell me those negative things, I’m going to turn them around, and I’m going to use them as a ladder to climb up to my goals. Lizzie’s self-worth transformation led her to achieve some of her wildest dreams. At the time of this writing, she has authored four books and serves as a motivational speaker, content creator, and inspiration to a myriad of souls who face a similar contempt from society for their own immutable traits (Velásquez, 2013).

Even after achieving mounds of prosperity, Lizzie still faces constant ridicule both online and in person. However, despite all the attempts to tear her down, she pursues her dreams anyway.

Resilience in the face of adversity is often a romanticized notion. Many don’t understand that for people bearing the brunt of oppressive forces—ableism, racism, misogyny, queerphobia, and classism, among others—resilience isn’t optional but the only means of survival. Why stop there, though? We deserve the right not merely to survive but thrive just as much as anyone else.

This is what it means to do it anyway: to pursue anything, however big or small, that adds meaning to your life despite the oppressive forces that try to stop you. Doing it anyway doesn’t just apply to career opportunities. It can mean moving abroad, becoming a parent, quitting your job, applying to a program, getting out of a bad relationship, or starting a new one. As a person who lived on the margins of society, Lizzie Velásquez is one of many who discovered how to do it anyway. We can learn to do the same.

Think of a future you’ve always dreamed of. You want to pursue it. You have to pursue it. Otherwise, you’ll regret it. You begin to make plans for it. Suddenly, all these scenarios start forming in your head: What will they think? What if I can’t? Do I even deserve to? Should I even do this? Am I enough for it? Maybe another time. Now you’re wondering why you’re doubting yourself.

Though the pursuit of new opportunities may not always play out like this, when it does, it hits hard. In those moments when you convince yourself you can’t do it, I implore you to think twice. Likely, you feel this way, not because of your own fundamental flaws but because you’ve been shown that someone like you can’t—or shouldn’t.

Oppression enacts its will on the Others of the world across all facets of society. It’s served through both institutional and interpersonal mediums. It comes in the form of prejudice, discrimination, subjugation, and exclusion. It feeds into the Others false notions of their inferiority, depriving them of their energy and their voices. Its blunt impact leaves a scar on its undeserving recipients, and its hateful rhetoric convinces them that they are not enough for this world. It serves them systemic disadvantages, which lead them to believe their subjugation is their fault.

Lizzie Velásquez lived out most of her life hating who she saw in the mirror due to the spiteful treatment she consistently received. Her story serves as an extreme case of a common type of experience, where the force of oppression convinces its targets that they are Others to society. Whether or not this is you, I guarantee you: the Others are everyday people you surely know.

Your Black neighbor may believe this society doesn’t value him, his work, and even his life. Your female colleague who’s the hardest worker in the office but who never gets promoted may believe she’s not competent enough. Your friend who’s queer may believe they’re the abomination they’re often referred to as. You hear the stereotypes they tell you about others like you—that you’re all lazy, ugly, dumb, awkward, or sinful—and even when you don’t want to, you can’t help but question if it’s true.

Oppression affects each person differently. However, nearly everyone who endures it will be subjected to a common psychological phenomenon we will henceforth refer to as internalized inadequacy. Internalized inadequacy describes one’s feeling of chronic insufficiency relative to unjust or impossible standards set upon them by the oppressive structures of society. Begotten by continual contempt, internalized inadequacy causes someone to question their own worth and resent the very attributes they cannot change. This painful sensation of unsuitability boils away inside them and rears its ugly head every day of their lives.

Before continuing on, we must truly understand what internalized inadequacy is—and what it isn’t.

Inadequate

When I’ve presented the concept of internalized inadequacy to others, the most common response I receive is, Ah! You must be talking about impostor syndrome, right?

Originally coined in 1978 as the impostor phenomenon by renowned psychologists Dr. Pauline Rose Clance and Dr. Suzanne Imes, the now more widely regarded impostor syndrome refers to a psychological complex characterized by a tendency to question, downplay, or outright deny the legitimacy of one’s accomplishments or overall competence. Though impostor syndrome can be a symptom of internalized inadequacy, the two are not the same. Impostor syndrome is said to disproportionately impact individuals who are already regarded as high achieving but are unable to internalize their accomplishments. This issue is an important one. But its narrow focus doesn’t capture the full width of internalized inadequacy.

If internalized inadequacy is not impostor syndrome, then what is it? To understand it in its entirety, we must principally grasp what it means to feel inadequate in the first place. Perceived inadequacy describes the feeling that either our whole selves or a quality about ourselves are not enough for someone or something.

Have you ever felt like you weren’t qualified enough for a job? Perhaps you thought you weren’t attractive enough for your biggest crush. We’ve all had that one classmate who excelled at just about everything—academics, sports, and extracurriculars alike. Compared to them, we may have felt that we weren’t capable enough. These are all examples of one’s perceived inadequacy. This is common and affects everyone at some point in their lives. It certainly affected me.

Growing up, I mainly stuck by the small group of friends I was comfortable with. In gym class, I’d be among the last to get picked. I caused more than my fair share of cringe-worthy interactions each and every day. And I was teased by both friends and strangers alike for many reasons—my social awkwardness, my role as the teacher’s pet, my deprived sense of style, or my chubby (and later scrawny) physique. I may have been smart, but I felt like that was all I really had. I was convinced I wasn’t attractive enough for anyone, which was validated when I was rejected constantly. I wasn’t strong or skilled enough for any sport, team, or individual. And I certainly did not feel like I fit in anywhere.

During those years, I attributed all my mistreatments to my perceived fundamental flaws. Only in writing this book did I realize just how learned my sense of inadequacy really was.

Internalized

For context, I moved to the United States from Peru with my parents and sister when I was five years old. As new immigrants, we started off humbly living out of a one-bedroom basement where, despite not having much, we were at least together. When I was fifteen, I realized I was gay and not long after came out to my parents, both of whom were raised Catholic—which, for a Latino in the early 2010s when sentiments toward the LGBTQ+ community were less than friendly, made coming out daunting, to say the least. Finally, in my senior year of high school, when I began applying to colleges, the reality of my undocumented status finally hit me in the face.

As I reflect on my past with the knowledge I have now, I realize that the intersectionality of my identity as a gay, undocumented Latino man caused others to treat me as a perpetual outsider. My darker complexion relative to my peers, alongside my inability to speak English from the start of my American grade school experience, accentuated my status as a social outcast to my mostly white peers, who tended to view me as a foreigner. My socioeconomic status meant I rarely had access to the nice clothes all the cool (and mostly affluent) kids wore. My mix of masculine and feminine qualities made me different from the other boys, who were often quick to the point that out in whatever setting allowed them to brandish their manliness at the expense of mine. In a wider context, my undocumented status had me literally self-identify as an alien whenever I filled out a job, college, or scholarship application. Only upon gaining this critical context did I realize I was never actually inadequate. It had always been imposed upon me by my peers, by the institutions I interacted with, and by the processes set in place for me to navigate. Over time, I came to accept what they fed me as the truth.

This is what’s known as internalization. As defined in the American Psychological Association’s Dictionary of Psychology, internalization is the nonconscious mental process by which the characteristics, beliefs, feelings, or attitudes of other individuals or groups are assimilated into the self and adopted as one’s own. Applied, this refers to our tendency