I'm Fine

By Ellen Bond and Aeryn Bond

“Five years ago, my 16-year old daughter, Aeryn, took her own life. Even now, those words still don't feel real.

I have found it virtually impossible to separate thoughts and memories of my daughter from the cold, hard, terrifying fact of her death, from the depression that robbed us of her. I want my daughter to be so much more than just a statistic, another suicide in an age of increasing mental health troubles in our society.

But the truth is, for those that didn't know her, she will be defined by her death. And I need to make that count. I need to tell her story.”

Aeryn's diaries provide a frank, brutally honest account of teenage depression, while her haunting yet beautiful poetry paints a graphic picture of her feelings. Interspersed with Facebook posts, email correspondence and her mother's diaries, they document the last few months of her life and the aftermath of her death.

In sharing Aeryn's story, Ellen hopes to help other families going through similar experiences, and to increase understanding of the depth of pain that depression can cause, a pain so deep and all consuming that there appears to be only one way to escape it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Troubador Publishing Ltd
• Release date: May 28, 2023
• ISBN: 9781805145813

Ellen Bond

Aeryn Bond was a talented writer and aspiring actor who battled depression before taking her own life, aged 16. Her mother, Ellen Bond, is a mostly stay-at-home mum who wants to use her own writing, and Aeryn's, to help other people understand mental health and grief. She recently trained as a PCPS worker in order to use her own experiences to support other parents caring for children with mental ill health.

Book preview

Foreword

The names of all professionals mentioned in this book have been changed to protect their identity.

The names of Aeryn’s friends have also been changed to protect their privacy.

Additionally, Aeryn’s younger sibling – named as Lola throughout the book – now uses the name Michael and prefers he/they pronouns.

Although this book speaks our truth, it must be read with the understanding that this is our perspective on events and we respect that other peoples’ perspectives may differ.

No offence, malice or upset is intended in the writing of this book, but it is not an ‘easy’ read.

I hope that those who were unable to hear Aeryn while she was alive, will be able to listen now and take her story forward to help other children and their families.

Aeryn’s words are offered in the hope that they will help others to understand more about teenage depression. Mine are offered in the hope that other parents may feel less alone while they battle the dual forces of adolescence and depression.

2020

Facebook Post – 22nd February 2020

Last night, I had to stop myself thinking about how it was two years since I had last held my baby’s face in my hands, told her I loved her and said goodnight. Today we will not do anything to mark the horrific day that followed, and we will make a very concerted effort not to relive it in our minds.

I don’t want Aeryn to be just about her depression and the route she took to escape it, but I can’t seem to stop the voice in my head that demands that her voice is heard – her voice that was so quiet but that shouted in a myriad of other ways that she needed help. A voice that I feel was ignored by those who were supposed to help. I don’t know if I can truly ever grieve unless I get her voice heard.

Perhaps making my last Facebook post public is a start. It is a scary start and makes me feel vulnerable. But I have to try to be braver, to be stronger or Aeryn’s voice will never be heard.

Aeryn and I shared a love for an ABC programme on Netflix called Once Upon a Time. In one episode, the Apprentice says to Henry: The best way to show your love for those that are gone is to tell their stories.

Aeryn’s story was so much more than a short Facebook post, so much more than her depression and the route she took to escape it. But if there is any small chance that this part of her story can be part of a catalyst for change, that it can help others to get the help they need, then sharing it is important.

So, with hesitation, I mark this terrible day by making it public and allowing those that wish to to share…

Facebook Post – 17th February

I’m not a great one for airing dirty laundry on Facebook and it takes a fair bit of internal questioning before I post anything at all, but here are my thoughts this morning…

So, another celebrity has ended their own life and it has been all over the media and Facebook. Lots of people commenting on lots of articles. One has jumped out at me. A mother commenting that her eleven-year-old son sat with CAMHS and told them he didn’t want to live – and yet he still did not meet their criteria for further help. She was told to hide knives and call 999 if she needed help. For fuck’s sake.

It’s all very well spouting on about mental health awareness, but if the help is not there, what’s the fucking point? I’m sorry but the latest hashtag is meaningless in a world where appropriate understanding, help and support is unavailable. Yes, if everyone is kind to each other, there would generally be less sadness in the world, but I don’t think it would eradicate depression and I don’t think kindness alone is enough to cure this often fatal disease. More research, more understanding, more help, better, far better, mental health services and support are essential if we are going to stop people suffering until ending their lives looks like their only way out of the pain.

The focus on ‘awareness’ makes me so fucking angry. We were aware my daughter was ill. We were aware she needed help. Awareness wasn’t our problem. Neither was kindness. My daughter was not bullied or victimised. She had great friends and family support. She knew she was loved. But she was ill and she needed professional, medical help. What she got was therapists that fobbed her off, treated her as a socially awkward teenager with an over anxious mum. Therapists who normalised self-harm and likened it to the use of alcohol in a grown-up. Therapists who told a vulnerable child who felt worthless and hopeless that they couldn’t help her unless she helped herself. Therapists who, at the inquest into her death, said she was the last person in their care that they thought would take their own life – even though they were aware of at least two occasions where she had considered it, alongside other glaring, terrifying cries for help that they simply ignored.

Almost two years down the line, it appears children, and indeed adults, are still being ignored by ‘services’ that are meant to be helping. This has to change. But I hold out little hope that it will. So, by all means, make yourself aware; by all means, be kind. It can’t hurt. It may help some. Kindness has certainly helped me over these past two years. But don’t be under the illusion that kindness alone will stop this killer and don’t be shocked when you hear about the next victim.

2016 / 2017

These are word-for-word extracts from my daughter Aeryn’s diaries. Aeryn wrote diaries on and off for many years and the entries made towards the end of her life are harrowing. But they are a graphic insight into thoughts and feelings that she felt unable to share in any other way. I think it is important that these thoughts and feelings are finally heard. Maybe the difference between what she was able to say and what she actually felt will help other people to understand and support their loved ones, and maybe it will allow people who feel the way Aeryn did to feel less alone.

It was hard to know where to begin with Aeryn’s diaries. I have started in September 2016 as that is when we first became aware that she was truly struggling, when she began to have panic attacks at school and disclosed a little of what was going on inside her head. It was, however, also a point at which she was still able to feel more than just the depression that later became all consuming.

A point at which there was still hope.

Aeryn’s Diary

Monday 5th September 2016

If I could, I would cut all over my body, but I can’t because I have to keep it hidden. I do have a couple of big ones on my leg which is one of the reasons I can’t go swimming. And people at school will be able to see them in PE.

Oh well, I doubt they’d notice anyway. I doubt they’d care. And why would they? I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be cared for. I don’t deserve such a wonderful loving family. I keep pushing them away but I don’t think mum really realises. Why is it that I physically can’t tell them I love them?

Wednesday 7th September 2016

So, I felt extremely socially anxious today which was not fun. I was in one of those distanced from reality moods where I don’t really feel as if I am in control of my actions, it just feels as though I am watching. It’s a little weird and makes me not want to do anything.

So, when I got home from school, I cut myself again. It feels weird just writing that. Like, I see stuff on the internet about people who self-harm but I honestly don’t feel like I’m actually doing it, even though I obviously am as I have cuts all over my hip and a razor blade in my diary. Even though I actually remember doing it, it still doesn’t feel like I actually am. Weird.

Maybe I should get some sleep.

Thursday 8th September 2016

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod I’m freaking out! I just don’t feel like anything is real. I’m so confused whenever I try to think about it my mind just goes blank. I need help.

I’m so fucking depressed and anxious. I don’t know what the fuck happened to my brains. Why do I not feel like anything is real?

I just cut myself again.

Friday 9th September 2016

OMG! Guess what? A boy in my class called me cute!

He started messaging me about the exam and asking me if I was nervous about it. He then asked me about my shyness and if I was just like it with people I don’t know or my friends as well, and then he said I would always have him and that he would always help out a friend. I was a little surprised as I said as we don’t really talk outside the class, but I still really appreciated it.

So, then he goes on to ask if I have been in any relationships and when I said I’d never been in a proper one, he replies ‘Really, I would have thought someone as cute as you would have had loads.’

At first, I was like, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD.

But then I started to think that maybe he was just saying it because he feels sorry for me because I’m so shy. It was just so out the blue – I don’t know.

Wow, I’m such a positive person, aren’t I?

I also feel like if he actually knew me, he wouldn’t like me. I mean, I am incredibly weird and whilst I kind of like it, other people do not.

But at least I don’t feel like cutting now! At least, for the moment. That could change at any second…

So, I asked mum about seeing someone. I didn’t tell her about the cutting or anything, just the whole social anxiety thing which she already knew about. So, I am going to see someone in school once a week for six weeks. So hopefully, if I can bring myself to tell the truth I’ll be able to get the help I need.

Tuesday 13th September 2016

URGH

I self-harmed again. I haven’t since ---- messaged but I did today.

The counsellor person is nice but I just hate talking about that kind of stuff. It makes me depressed. I didn’t tell her about the self-harm yet. I hope I’m able to.

Something that’s really weird is ---- and I have been talking quite a bit on Facebook but don’t actually talk to each other in real life.

Urgh I’m so fucked up.

Wednesday 14th September 2016

So… I had a panic attack in Drama today. I couldn’t stop crying for the entire lesson, so I had to sit in Miss Hart’s office. She talked to me a little and then took me to the House Office. Some therapist type person spoke to me and I told her about the self-harm and now mum knows… so yeah. Hopefully, that’s a good thing. Now she knows, it makes me want to do it less.

Thursday 15th September 2016

OK, so instead of self-harming, I used a loom band to flick myself which seems to work OK. It’s kind of nice having my parents know about it. I mean, I don’t like to talk about it to them, but at least they are aware.

I don’t understand why I feel like this all the time. It’s like I can’t enjoy anything and I’m always worrying about everything. But hopefully it will improve.

Sunday 18th September 2016

So yesterday I smashed a glass and I used one of the small fragments to cut myself with, but it was only a few small ones so it doesn’t count. I don’t have to tell anyone about it, right?

Monday 19th September 2016

I’m really sad. I don’t know why. Probably because we only have one 35-minute tutor time to get our performance ready for Wednesday and I know I’m going to do ridiculously badly. I’ll be lucky if I get a C. I just can’t seem to put any energy into anything at the moment.

I feel really guilty because the others are doing an absolutely amazing job of trying to improve the performance and coming up with all the ideas whereas I just stand there feeling sorry for myself.

I can’t stop crying. I feel like such a terrible person.

And now I’ve cut myself again.

Thursday 22nd September 2016

I’ve not been feeling too bad for the past couple of days.

I’m going to see a different counsellor after school on Monday. I really don’t want to go but I do because I hate feeling like this all the time.

Friday 23rd September 2016

I got the part I wanted in Shakespeare! Yay! So that must mean that I’m not bad at acting, right? Especially as roughly half the girls auditioned for the part, and there were a few Year 11’s… so yay! I’m excited.

Also, Hazel read the first chapter of my story and she said it was incredibly well written! I’m pretty sure she said it was ‘beautiful’ – so yay! Maybe I don’t suck after all…

Saturday 1st October 2016

Um… so, I sort of cut again…

I don’t understand how my brain works. Like, yesterday was really fun. I had Abbi, Kate and Kyla over for this party type thing and we all got along, and talked and it was fun. Kyla then slept over, which was also fun. So then, why did I go all weird when she left and cut? I don’t understand. Also, even when I am having fun, I still feel sort of distanced – I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s like my body reacts in a certain way to certain things, but I still don’t feel it. Except I do… it’s really hard to explain.

Thursday 6th October 2016

I had the BEST day today!!!

So, you know how I’m doing the Shakespeare School Festival? We had an entire day of Shakespeare rehearsals and other Drama related activities today. I have literally not enjoyed myself this much in sooooo long…

So, it was basically the cast workshop thing, and everyone who’s doing Shakespeare got taken off timetable for the whole day and we got to wear our own black clothes… it was amazing!

Caitlin and Hazel also do Shakespeare, so I got to spend the entire day with them. It was just so much fun!

And then after school I went to that Speech and Drama club thing, so I’ve literally been acting all day. Yay!!! I wish I could do that every day…

But noooo, tomorrow I have to go back to learning about algebra and floods, and freaking plant cells instead of doing the one thing I actually enjoy doing. Seriously, if I want to be an actress, when am I ever going to need to know any of this stuff? It’s so stupid! Everyone’s like ‘Oh, your GCSEs are so important, you must try your absolute hardest, blah, blah, blah’ but seriously 90% of the stuff we learn in school we are never going to need. Why don’t you teach us about taxes, and first aid, and how to make sure we are happy with our one single existence? You know, stuff we may actually need. Why don’t you let us choose what we want to learn about based on our interests? Why don’t you help us to figure out what we want in life?

OK, I have to go to bed now as I am having a sleepover with Caitlin, Hazel and Izzy tomorrow.

Monday 17th October 2016

I’ve stopped seeing the counsellor. It wasn’t working. And maybe I didn’t give it a proper chance, but I don’t care. I am never going back to that place ever again. I just hate the way they over analyse everything, digging their sharp fingers into your head and dragging out every piece of your soul. Don’t ask. Even I don’t know what the hell I’m going on about. I just hate it. They try to get inside my head, and I know it’s their job but what’s inside my head is mine and mine alone and I won’t let anyone else have it. Because I am the only one who understands how my mind works. For the most part.

Anyway, I’m tired, so I am either going to go to sleep or cut again and then go to sleep. To cut or not to cut, that is the question…

Thursday 20th October 2016

OK! I have made a decision. I am not going to cut anymore. Most likely. I am going to be more motivated, I’m going to work hard with acting and I am going to build my social skills without the help of a counsellor. You’ll see. It will happen. And if not, I’m sure I could buy some sleeping pills from somewhere… NO! DON’T THINK LIKE THAT!!

The new season of Black Mirror comes out tomorrow! Yay!!!

Sunday 6th November 2016

So, yesterday I went on a school trip to see a physical theatre piece called Institute by Gecko, which was AMAZING. A girl in Year 11 sat with me on the boat and at the same table as me in the restaurant and OMG we have so much in common. She’s vegetarian and wants to be vegan but her mum won’t let her, we both love acting and writing stories, both of our books involve different dimensions and magic and our villains are both females who can read people’s minds! So, talking to her was cool. We’re going to write a story together!!!

On a darker note… I self-harmed again. I felt like I needed to be punished for not doing anything positive. Also, ever since the Shakespeare performance I haven’t been feeling particularly good. I don’t really know why. It probably has something to do with the fact that I did not enjoy the performance at all. I enjoyed every second of the rehearsals, even the dress rehearsal, which we performed in front of another school, but when it came to the actual performance, I was so nervous that I couldn’t get into character properly. At least that’s what it felt like but apparently I did well. I never know if people are telling the truth when they compliment me on a performance though because no one’s going to tell you if you did badly because they don’t want to offend you.

Tuesday 8th November 2016

So… I’ve somehow ended up as the secretary in the executive group of the Student Voice Forum…

Basically last week Miss Hart came up to me and asked if I was part of the Student Voice, to which I replied no, and then she handed me a letter and said, Well, you are now. The letter was about a workshop at the 6th Form campus with the Unloc Student Voice Forum, so I decided to go even though it was for members of the Student Voice and I am not, just because Miss Hart wanted me to and I want to stay on her good side. Also, Caitlin was going and it was today which meant I got to miss PE.

Once we got there, we did a couple of ice-breaker games, and then they started talking about electing executive group members and before I knew what I was doing, I’m making a speech about why I would be a good secretary. So, there I am, not knowing if I’m actually a member of the Student Voice or not, voluntarily speaking in front of people. Like, when do I ever do that? I’m actually kind of proud of myself to be honest. Go me! The only problem now is that I actually got the role and I am like the least suited person to this job ever. I mean, it said in the description that the secretary should be organised and good at communicating… of which I am neither. But hey, I’m sure it will be fine.

Caitlin also got elected as an executive group member as the communications and PR manager.

Anyway, I’m soooooo tired so bye!

Sunday 1st January 2017

Happy New Year! Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s been an entire year…

I am going to do something this year! I am going to talk to ----! I am going to NAIL monologues. I am going to make a difference.

Yeah, let’s see how long that positive attitude lasts…

My new year’s resolutions are:

•Talk to people more

•STOP PROCRASTINATING

•Start saying I love you back to my parents

•Take GCSEs seriously and actually study

•Attempt to start a relationship with ----

•Dramatically improve acting skills

•Come up with a schedule and actually stick to it

•Get out more and play Tomb Raider less (I’m sorry Lara, I love you but I need to do something with my life!)

OK, those will do. I have a deal with myself to make sure I keep them: If I keep all my resolutions and write 5 chapters of Somnia Moon by my birthday, I get a Google Pixel phone. I don’t know how that will work seeing as I have no money but who knows? Maybe if I practise my acting, completely kill monologues at the competition, I could be recognised by a talent agency and get cast in a movie…

I can dream! It might happen! Who knows?

Anyway, I am incredibly tired, it’s like one in the morning.

Friday 20th January 2017

Hello! Man, I am so tired. I’ve sort of become completely obsessed with this TV Series that I’m watching with my mum, Once Upon a Time and it’s been keeping me up late. It’s absolutely amazing! It’s sort of about fairy tale characters, and the Evil Queen from Snow White, Regina, (my favourite character, obviously) cast a curse on everyone that sent them to our world to a town called Storybrooke, where they don’t remember their fairy tale lives and are stuck in time. Regina turns good, or at least better, and she finally finds happiness only to have it ripped away from her because Emma just had to rescue Robin Hood’s goddamned wife when she and Hook went back in time… So sad, I’m probably not making much sense but I am tired, so…

We’re doing The Empire Striketh Back in Shakespeare, and we just started practising scenes in order to determine who plays which part and it is so much fun! I really want to be Princess Leia! Even though she does kiss two people, which may be a little awkward, but who cares? Acting is so much fun!

I went to a park in Newport with Hazel and Caitlin after school today, which was so much fun! We hung around in the park for a while then walked along the river where we found an abandoned boat and we were trying to piece together why it had been abandoned. Oh! I forgot to write about Izzy’s sleepover! Me, Hazel and Caitlin slept over at Izzy’s and we role played! It was so much fun! I love acting!

Don’t Look at Me

Please; don’t look at me

I can feel your thoughts seeping into my skin and it hurts

Your words, like knives, hide my face, gaze averts

Dejected tears, your concern converts

Stop; can’t you see?

Pain; I want it to stop

Just hold me, seeking comfort, let me cry

But you don’t, just leave me alone, all alone to die

Pretend you care but ignore each helpless sigh

Tears; a broken raindrop.

Quiet; never notice

I can’t speak, monsters rip my voice

I’ll never overcome this screeching noise

Ridicule, scold me, like I have a choice

Leave, never missed

Hide; alone in the dark

So scared, but no one can understand

Concealment to avoid painful demand

Please, someone, take my hand

Lost, shadows leave their mark.

Shake; shiver in fear

My chest is locked, I can’t breathe, pure distress

Nightmares play, crushing happiness oppress

I can’t take this unrelenting depress

Watch; death is near.

Bleed; sink in blood

It hurts too much, drown pain with pain

Cut deeper, deeper, turning insane

Slice, slice; life trickle and drain

Flow, a crimson flood

Fade; a forgotten ghost

Lying in the darkness, a dying star

Flickering light, a broken scar

Sleeping forever, gone too far

Die; what I want most

Please; don’t look at me

An empty shell, fragile and weak, please turn away

I’m sorry, please don’t remember me this way

Please, I’m sorry these words I’ll never say

Now; everyone can see

by Aeryn Leigh Bond

2017

Mum

Aeryn didn’t write anything in her diary over the Christmas period in 2016 and I wasn’t keeping a diary at the time.

From recollection, it was a fairly ‘standard’ Christmas. Aeryn always enjoyed the traditions we had made over the years, whether it was the festive outings to the same old places or the baking of Mrs Claus’ cookies on Christmas Eve. This year, we also baked gingerbread with Aeryn’s best friend and her brother – our kitchen was covered in icing sugar and food colouring and filled with festive music.

I remember feeling angry with myself on Christmas Eve because I read The Night Before Christmas to the younger children before bed, wrongly assuming that the teenager in Aeryn wouldn’t want to join in. She was a bit upset with me for not asking her, but I was even more upset with myself.

This was the first year we had semi-matching Christmas pyjamas – the younger two and I had elf ones and Jason had an elf t-shirt. At almost fifteen, Aeryn wasn’t too keen on the idea of elf pyjamas, but I had found a black t-shirt with the words ‘December 25th – The only day of the year I am a morning person’ emblazed on