Camouflaged Shame: A Path to Redemption After Military Sexual Trauma

By Kaneke Brave

Camouflaged Shame combines the insights the life experiences of a woman who has survived the horrors of military sexual trauma with the path she travels to find her healing and self-love. This book is not only for those women who have experienced military sexual trauma, but also their loved ones and family members who have been affected as well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Sep 27, 2022
• ISBN: 9798765229835

Book preview

Copyright © 2022 Kaneke Brave.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are

models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Interior Image Credit: Kaneke Brave

ISBN: 979-8-7652-2982-8 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-2984-2 (hc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-2983-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022910889

Balboa Press rev. date: 09/20/2022

Contents

Acknowledgments

Prologue

PART I

1Receiving

Whom Is This Book For?

Military Sexual Assault Statistics

2Before the Shame

The Battle before My War

Why I Joined the Marine Corps

3New Recruit

Basic Training

MOS School

4Strength Test

First Duty Station—Shame Shows Its Face

5Tested Again

Second Duty Station—Shame Has a Follow-Up, a Sequel, and a Trilogy

6Plan

Discharged

Suicide Attempt

PART II

7Execute

Depression

Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and Nightmares

8Coordinate

New Belief System

Mind

Body

Soul

9Manage

Ask for Help

Finding the Right Help

Positive Coping Methods

10Assess

New Outlook on Life

Taking Back Control

Acceptance

11Report

Other Tools for Healing

Learning to Be Present

Mindfulness

Love Heals

12Safety

Forgiveness

13Dependability

Find Healthy Structure in Your Environment

Find a Safe Place

Have Strong Support

14Knowledge

For Loved Ones

Be an Emotional Support System

Just Listen

Encourage, Don’t Judge

Respect Our Boundaries

Don’t Treat Us as if We Are Broken

Don’t Try to Fix Us

Conclusion

About the Author

Resources for Those Needing Help with MST

I

dedicate this book to my fellow women veterans who have camouflaged the shame of military sexual trauma (MST) but continue to fight the battle in their heads every day while manipulating the world around them. I pray they find peace, joy, and love so they will thrive in ways they never imagined. May they find the path to healing and learn to love themselves again.

This book is dedicated also to those who have lost their lives because of the pain they could no longer endure and to all the families left behind with no understanding of their struggles. My ultimate wish is for anyone who has been affected by the nightmare of MST to find healing.

To my beautiful daughters, may you always know that you never have to struggle alone regardless of what it may be. I pray that you never have to endure the pain I had to. Listen to your gut, and don’t second-guess your feelings when you sense something or someone is not right. May you all find your true calling in love, life, and careers without having to battle the nightmares I had to.

To my handsome sons, remember all our private talks. I will always be your soft place when you need me and your tough love when you deserve it. We have been through so much together, and I am so thankful for the love you taught me to receive and give without boundaries.

You too have lived through my hell, and you saw the ugly face of post-traumatic stress disorder in me. My pain was not yours to carry, and I pray you also find healing and forgiveness for my failure to do better.

To all my children, learn to live your life to the fullest. Manifest your true potential so you can live your best lives. Learn to love without boundaries. Be your authentic selves, and learn to love yourselves first so you can love others the way you deserve to be loved. Learn to laugh at your mistakes and be okay with them while you grow from those mistakes. Most important, remember to keep God as the center of your life and you will always have the guidance you need. The sky is the limit.

To my husband, Darius, my best friend and soulmate, you are my blessing. All the pain I battled and wrestled with before you was worth it now that I am your wife. I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to be your wife and spend the rest of my life with you. I dedicate this book to you for all the unconditional support you have always given and continue to give me. Even when we were just friends back on Marine Corps Air Station, Hawaii, you were always there for me selflessly. You know my deepest, darkest moments and yet you continue to love me. You make me feel safe, loved, heard, and valued. Without your love and support, I would never have had the strength to write and finish this book.

Acknowledgments

I thank my heavenly Father for His grace, mercy, and favor. Without Him, I would never have made it through these years. My faith has provided me with the comfort I needed when I didn’t find it in the world.

I also thank those who doubted me and told me I would be nothing. Their doubts gave me the motivation to push through and use my inner strength to overcome all the obstacles in my path.

Thank you to my amazing children, for being my ultimate inspiration. I am blessed to be your mother; I have no doubt God planned things with you all for a reason. You each have taught me to be a better mother and inspired me to seek how I can be better every day. I am so proud of what you have become so far, and I can’t wait to share in all of your successes and blessings.

Thank you to my most incredible husband, without whom I wouldn’t be where I am today. God brought you back into my life when I was ready to receive all you had to give. I am so very grateful for the wonderful man, father, brother, and husband you are. Your unconditional love, support, loyalty, protection, and compassion will never be taken for granted.

Thank you, Dr. Jimenez. You gave me the tools to blossom into the woman I am today. I am so blessed to have you as my guide and clarity. You taught me to challenge my beliefs and see alternative realities. I will forever appreciate everything you taught me. Thank you for calling me out when I needed it and for reminding me who I really was. I will use my toolbox and smile, because you showed me that I had the tools, I just needed to open the box and start using them.

I thank my father, who instilled in me the ability to push myself no matter how hard that could be. He taught me that a man should provide and protect, not take away from and hurt you. Thank you for also teaching me how important family is.

Thank you to my mother for reminding me that I can be loved. When I needed encouragement, she gave it.

Thank you to my bonus mother. She inspired me to be the best mother I could be. Watching her sacrifice and her strength through adversity, reminded me that I could do it all if I put my mind to it.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way all these years. May the Lord bless you and provide you with strength and knowledge you need to conquer all your dreams as I am trying to do.

I want to especially give a special thanks to the following individuals for their support and inspiration this past year. This book was written for many, but each of them gave me encouragement and believed in what I had to say so it could come to fruition.

Prologue

Military sexual trauma (MST) is the term that the Department of Veterans Affairs uses to refer to sexual assault or repeated, threatening sexual harassment that occurred while the Veteran was in the military. It includes any sexual activity where someone is involved against his or her will—he or she may have been pressured into sexual activities (for example, with threats of negative consequences for refusing to be sexually cooperative or with implied faster promotions or better treatment in exchange for sex), may have been unable to consent to sexual activities (for example, when intoxicated), or may have been physically forced into sexual activities. Other experiences that fall into the category of MST include unwanted sexual touching or grabbing; threatening, offensive remarks about a person’s body or sexual activities; and/or threatening or unwelcome sexual advances. —US Department of Veterans Affairs

This book is not meant to be the solution to overcome the trauma you’ve endured but more of a facilitator and inspiration for you to seek the help in healing your spirit. I pray this book can show you that there are different paths to healing but that the paths are there. Each of us needs to find the path right for ourselves.

There are many treatments and routes to healing, and I hope you discover the path that works best for you. For family members looking to understand and support their loved ones, please be patient and kind. Judgment and harsh criticism should never be your approach. Some days, you might need only to listen. For me, encouragement and support were the best medicine most of the time. Don’t take it personally when she or he wants space and keeps to himself or herself. We need time to process sometimes because trauma caused by sexual assault is difficult to process.

This book is about my experiences in the US Marine Corps when I endured military sexual trauma and my experiences that I believe contributed to my being susceptible to this abuse. For so long, I allowed my shame and the fear of no one believing me to guide my decisions. I thought I needed to seek justice to find peace, but I got justice, validation, and peace by forgiving myself and being blessed to have special people who sometimes unknowingly led me step by step down my path to recovery and healing.

By the grace of God, I am now in a place in my life where I am strong enough to share these horrific experiences with you. Though I struggle with fear and uncertainty sometimes, I use the tools I have gathered from therapy, prayer, and mindfulness to make it through my days. I know there are other people out here, men and women, who have dealt with similar experiences, but this book is written from my perspective in the hope it will help others see that there is a light at the end of our dark tunnel. Remember, it may have happened to you, but it need not define who you are or what you will become. Some events may have temporarily taken away your happiness or your will to live, but they cannot take away your desire