Can I Love?

By Oh Boon Keng

"Can I love?" I often find myself asking this question. This seemingly simple question isn't as straightforward for me because of my disability.

 

Having muscular dystrophy means that it has become progressively impossible for me to do many of the things I could previously do. Knowing that I would eventually lose most of my physical abilities and independence, I didn't know if I should even embark on a journey to find romantic love.

 

While I am perfectly able to love someone emotionally, what physical intimacy and long-term commitment can I offer? Is it just enough to love someone with all my heart, and only my heart, without the physical and practical aspects of a relationship? Will I become a burden to my partner instead?

 

Being a hopeless romantic, my desire for romantic love compelled me to start on this journey. I had many crushes and met many failures that hurt me deeply. Eventually, my perseverance paid off and I entered a relationship. Short-lived it may be, it was one of the best experiences in my life – never have I felt so empowered before.

 

Through this book, I want to share my journey to find love. May it open your heart and mind to the matter of love for persons with disabilities.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Pagesetters Services Pte Ltd
• Release date: Nov 30, 2021
• ISBN: 9789811828249

Book preview

can i love

Can I love?

ISBN 978-981-18-2488-3 (print)

ISBN_978-981-18-2824-9 (digital)

© Oh Boon Keng, 2022

Published by

Pagesetters Services Pte Ltd

28 Sin Ming Lane #06-131

Singapore 573972

www.pagesetters.com.sg

All rights reserved.

Cover design by

June Lin

Printed by

Ho Printing Singapore Pte Ltd

can i love

To my family who has always been my pillar of support

Especially to my mum

感谢妈妈无私的爱与看护

To my best friends who were there for me through thick and thin

Especially to Raymond and Wesley

To my mentors in life who have guided me to where I am today

To the ladies I had a crush on who have made my life much more lively

Especially to the one who gave me a taste of true love

To my Heavenly Father who made all things possible

Many of the people mentioned in this book have been given pseudonyms out of respect for their privacy.

Contents

~ 1 ~ Can I Love?

~ 2 ~ Puppy Love

~ 3 ~ Final Fantasy

~ 4 ~ A Song For Her

~ 5 ~ Pen Pal

~ 6 ~ Racing Against Time

~ 7 ~ Empowered

~ 8 ~ More Than Two

~ 9 ~ The Wedding

~ 10 ~ ‘Puppy’ Love Too

~ 11 ~ The Choice to Love

~ 1 ~

Can I Love?

What are your goals or dreams? I often feel stuck and at a loss as to how I should answer this question when asked. Ever since I entered adulthood, I don’t dare to dream big or plan too far ahead because I don’t know how my condition would turn out within the next five years (or even whether I would still be around by then).

However, there is something I always dreamt of and wanted to have – a partner. Someone whom I could confide in about almost everything; someone whom I could find company and intimacy with; somebody for me to love romantically and maybe even marry and form a family with?

I’ve been a hopeless romantic for more than 20 years of my life, having had my first crush at the tender age of nine at primary three! When I went to secondary school, I was looking forward to getting into a relationship as I thought it was something usual for teenagers to experience during that period. And in my late teens, with every failed confession, I realised that I was hopelessly falling for girl after girl, seemingly not able to quell my desire to fall in love with someone.

Finding a life partner sounds like a pretty ‘normal’ and simple dream for most people. But it has never been that straightforward for me because of my disability.

Isuffer from this genetic muscle degenerating disease called Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD). There are many types of muscular dystrophy, but mine just happens to be the most boring. DMD is the most common type of muscular dystrophy and it’s also one of the more severe types. From the limbs to the heart, not one of my muscles is spared by DMD.

The same action that I could perform physically in the past became something impossible for me to carry out a few years later. That’s right! I used to be able to walk and run in my childhood, but now I can’t even sit up on my own. I used to be able to play the harmonica in my teens, but now I even have trouble speaking loud enough to be heard by someone from across the table.

can i love?

DMD has robbed me of my physical strength, and, to some extent, my life. Thankfully, the brain has no muscles and is spared. I can still have emotions and think independently just like any abled person. However, it’s because of this ‘mind is capable but body is unable’ phenomenon that I’ve been troubled by a simple, yet disconcerting conundrum…

Can I love?

I’ve been troubled by this conundrum for the past 15 years of my life. The answer to it seems so simple for most people, but not for me, as a person with muscular dystrophy – it has never been plain sailing.

As most of you know, love is not just about your feelings and thoughts. Love is also about your actions, commitment, responsibilities and more. And that is where my dilemma rises.

Yes, I’m perfectly able to emotionally love someone, but how much can I give in terms of physical intimacy and long-term commitment? Is it just enough to love someone with all my heart without the physical and practical aspects of love? And more importantly, will I become a burden to my partner instead?

The last question arose from what one of my friends with the same disease once shared with me. When I asked him how he saw past the desire for romantic love, he simply told me that he didn’t want to be a burden to any girl. I struggled to identify with this thinking, as I was physically much stronger than him at that time. I was still able to sit up for the whole day, feed myself, carry out a conversation for long hours without a breathing aid and move around on my motorised wheelchair pretty independently (although all these would eventually change with time).

During that period, the thing I really struggled with was that I needed a caregiver to accompany me most of the time (well, not that I really, really needed it as I knew of some peers with DMD who could get around well by themselves. But I was probably too ‘sheltered’ then to dare to try that out). It was obviously awkward to go out with friends accompanied by my caregiver, who was my mum back then. There were always certain conversations that you would just feel more ‘natural’ to engage in without your mum (or any other uninvolved person) listening in; some activities which were simply not as inclusive or for all ages. And it was also ‘not nice’ to ignore or exclude my mum in the conversations or activities with my friends. So I definitely can see why a girl would find it nearly impossible to go on a date with me.

However, putting aside that topic of having a caregiver around, it was still a challenge for me to develop closer relationships with the people around me. Perhaps it’s due to the perception that people have of persons with disabilities and how different they feel we are? Perhaps it’s because I couldn’t join them in many activities that would have helped to improve bonding and relationships? I don’t exactly know why it is so hard to get close to people (abled persons) in general. I just know that I would love to have more friends and get more shots at finding a girlfriend! Haha!

I’m writing this book to tell the true story of my life’s journey towards discovering love. Love is a topic that I’ve never felt comfortable sharing with anyone, even my family. For one reason or another, I have always felt that the intimate issues regarding love, relationships and sexuality are taboo for persons with disabilities. In fact, I feel quite thankful that I actually have those two or three friends with whom I can openly share my feelings on these issues.

Deep down inside, I really wish to share my feelings and experiences with more people. But just like how I had reservations about honestly replying to the question of what I really, really wanted, I’ve always been hesitant to share. Was I ready to be public about my personal life? Would people start judging me based on what I write here? How would the girls (or ladies, by now) whom I’ve had a crush on or a relationship with react to reading their stories in this book? There had always been plenty of doubts and questions in my mind that made me delay sharing my experiences.

However, as I grew older, I felt less afraid to share about my life experiences. I was less swayed by people’s opinions about me or how I should handle things. I was growing more ‘thick skinned’ by the year! Hahaha!

At long last, I’ve mustered the courage to write this book. I feel so compelled that I want to let people know that I, too, can love. I don’t think I should hide my feelings and thoughts on love inside a shell forever. And I also feel that at this no-longer-tender age (of 30), I have nothing else to ‘hide’ since I’ve experienced most of what life has to offer; I can be more open in sharing my life experiences and lessons to help raise awareness and let others learn from them.

I hope you will enjoy reading this book and open your heart and mind to the love life of one individual with disability. Though I can’t possibly represent all persons with disabilities, I want to at least voice my personal experience in sharing with you this book of love, memories and possibilities.

~ 2 ~

Puppy Love

I’ve finished reading this book! – that was the biggest lie I’ve ever told when I was in primary school. Or at least the one I remember most deeply.

I had told this lie because I was eager to get a chance to work with my crush on a book review contest. And yes, you might have guessed right, that the book was aptly titled Puppy Love! If my memory serves me right, the book is about a family’s experience of bringing home their first puppy. (While writing this book, I did a search on Google but couldn’t find any such book published around the 90s. But I am very certain the title should be Puppy Love, and if not, something similar.)

I was only halfway through the book when our teacher announced that there would be a book review contest where we could work in pairs. I was so excited about it and immediately asked my crush, Grace, if she wanted to partner me for the contest. I can’t quite remember who it was between us that suggested the book Puppy Love, but I know for sure I agreed on that choice without any hesitation even though I had yet to finish reading the book (and I never did!)

Grace was a very helpful and caring classmate of mine. Actually, most