Love, Loss, Grief, and Moving On: A Widow’s Story from the Heart

By Linda A. Hulsizer

Nothing could stop Doug and Linda Hulsizer from marrying on November 3, 1990. Despite their age differences, Doug and Linda were deeply in love. For the next six years, they were blissfully happy, never arguing and always praising God. But everything changed in late 1996 when Doug was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer.

In a candid account of her poignant journey before, during, and after her husband’s diagnosis, Linda begins by sharing a glimpse into their beautiful relationship as they met, joined their lives, and walked through his cancer treatments together, bravely facing each task and obstacle just as they always had. After detailing how Doug’s battle ultimately led to his death, Linda discloses how she subsequently learned a new way to live, sought therapy, and handled different challenges and responsibilities. In the final chapters, Linda details what it was like to move on with life and find strength in her faith, in being a survivor, in the memories of good times, and in the comforting knowledge that our angels are always with us.

Love, Loss, Grief, and Moving On shares a widow’s courageous story about her husband, his journey through terminal cancer, and how she learned to lean on God and herself to begin anew after his passing.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jul 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9781973693260

Linda A. Hulsizer

Linda A. Hulsizer is a widow and professional writer who has had first-hand experience with loss and grief. After spending the majority of her life in New Jersey, Linda now resides in Saint Charles, Illinois.

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Copyright © 2020 Linda A. Hulsizer..

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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Scripture quotations are from the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952, and 1971 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-9736-9325-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-9327-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-9326-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020911518

WestBow Press rev. date: 7/1/2020

Doug,

You were my best friend, confidant, teacher, companion, provider, pal, and lover, but most of all, my beloved husband without whom this book would not have been possible.

You treated me like a queen, making my life so easy and carefree and giving me more than I could ever ask for or want.

There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think of you. In our short time together, you said no to me only one time, and that was the moment when I knew for certain something was very wrong and our lives were changing forever. That was the day when my reign as queen ended. That’s the day I will remember for the rest of my life.

Most of all, I will remember the first time we said, I love you, and the day we said, I do.

I miss you so much, and I know you are with me every hour of every day.

Love you today.

Contents

Preface

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Part 1 In the Beginning … Doug’s Story from My Heart

Doug’s Story

Linda’s Story

Doug and Linda

I Do!

Doug’s Illness

Pop

Round One

Round Two

Impatience Is My Middle Name

Part 2 Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me? Someone Should Have Told Me. Now I’m Telling You.

Did This Really Happen to Me?

The Worst Thing That Happens

My Pity Party

Help the Idiot

Cars

Role-Playing

Welcome to Widowhood

Stuff Happens

Answering Machines

Name-Calling

Those Boxes

I Am a Widow

Cleaning Closets and Drawers

Other Stuff—Tools, Cookbooks, and Their Junk Drawer

Selling Treasured Belongings

More Treasures

A Giant Punch

Am I Crazy or Just in Need of Some Tender Loving Care (TLC)?

Everyday Chores in Slow Motion

Safety and Security

Wedding Rings

Valentine’s Day

Weddings, Funerals, Social Gatherings, and Work

Fun Advice

Pick Up the Pieces

Life Doesn’t Matter

Therapy

A Conversation You Should Have

To Tell the Truth … Or Not

How Can Spouses Better Prepare You?

Teach Each Other—Be Prepared (Girl Scout Motto)

What Can Your Doctor Do?

Caring for Widows and Widowers

Supporting the Survivor

Stages of Grief

Loneliness

A Different Kind of Grief

Pets

Part 3 Learning to Live Again—Special Moments and Memories

Doug’s Gift to Others

I’m a Survivor

Lucky Penny

Friends

Owning Your Life

Taking Life for Granted

Promises

Moving On

Photos

I’m Going Out to Lunch

Memories—Good and Bad

Cheated

Touching

Twenty Years Later, or What I’ve Learned

Doing What’s Truly Important

A Place in Your Heart

Talking with Your Loved One after They’re Gone

The Final Question: Did I Marry the Right Man?

Marriage Vows

Ghosts

Angels

Strength

Our Last Supper

Final Words of Wisdom

Till Death Do Us Part … Really?

Part 4 Books to Read and Movies to Watch

Suggested Movies and Television

Suggested Books

Preface

This book is written totally from my perspective. It reflects what I heard with my ears, saw with my eyes, thought with my mind, and, most of all, felt within my heart. It is my hope that what I’ve written will be of some help, or of some comfort, to even one person who is going through loss.

This journey has by far been the worst experience I could ever go through, excluding my own severe illness; and then I’m not even sure that would be as traumatic or devastating.

There is no time limit for grief. Grief begins when you learn your loved one is going to die, and it continues long after your loved one has died. It comes and goes according to the situation you are in or the weather outside. It is what it is. It’s up to you how you deal with your grief and loss.

What I’ve written on these pages represents a lot of soul-searching and remembering—painful remembering. It’s been many years, and I still can replay in my mind what happened during those long, long days and nights. Would I change any of it if I could? If I could rewind time and react differently, would I? And what would I change?

I would probably do more yelling at the doctors and staff, at the insurance companies, at friends and family, and yes, even perfect strangers who added their two cents because they overheard a conversation they shouldn’t have been listening to in the first place. Most of all, I’d yell at those individuals who thought they were experts on the subject but in reality had no clue or any direct experience. They are individuals I have named know-it-alls.

I would take charge and be the one to give the orders and tell everyone what my expectations were. I’d toss the rule book in the shredder and follow my heart. I’d ask God for help in getting my message across and doing it without yelling. I’d listen carefully to what God was telling me and not falter in decisions that I made with God’s support and guidance. And, above all, I’d thank God for bringing Doug into my life, no matter how short a time we had.

This is a story about Doug, a story about me, a story about what he went through, and a story about what I went through with him, by myself. It is very personal. It is real. It is not fiction. These things happened to me. Please remember that as you read our story.

Death is a life-changing event. It is a learning experience. Hopefully you will read something in these pages that will help you. Just know that each individual will have his or her own unique experience with loss and grief, because we are all individuals, and we are all different.

May God put his loving arms around you and hold you through your loss and grief. Just as your loved one will never leave you, neither will God.

I could not have made my grief journey without my faith. Faith in God is what held me together, even though there were times when I felt alone. That’s when God was silent so that I could see where and what He wanted me to do.

Thank you, God, for helping me move forward one step at a time, one day at a time.

Acknowledgments

I would like to acknowledge several people who have been a great source of strength, guidance, and love during the darkest period of my life and while writing this book.

First, I want to thank my sister, Patricia (Patti) Williamson. Patti put her life on hold to care for her little sister (me). No one will ever fully understand the relationship we have with each other.

Second, I want to thank my bereavement therapist, Sally Blakely-Komar. You spent countless hours talking with me, guiding me through the grief process and into moving on. I yelled, I cried, and I finally laughed again. You heard it all—the good, the bad, and the unbelievable. You were my safety net.

Last but certainly not least, I want to thank my sophomore English teacher, Miss Kloeblen, now Mrs. Linda K. Tang, who encouraged me to continue writing even after class was over. We’ve kept in touch all these years, and Linda continued to encourage me to keep writing even before I started my book. You are indeed very special to me.

I would be remiss if I failed to mention those individuals who had a role in my life during this very dark time. Some had a positive impact, and sadly, some didn’t. But that’s the way it was; that’s the way it had to be. You provided material for my book.

I am eternally grateful to Patti, Sally, and Linda and will love each of you forever. You have no idea how much of a positive impact you have had on my life, beyond what I wrote above. I have relived special times spent with each of you over the course of my life. You are unique individuals with special gifts over and above the training each of you had for your specific careers. I thank God for Patti, Sally, and Linda each and every day. God bless you. I love you.

Introduction

Quite a few stories begin and end with the words Once upon a time and They lived happily ever after, or words similar in meaning. This story could begin that way, but it doesn’t because the beginning carries pain and discomfort. This is not a story with a happy ending. It is everything but a happy ending. This is not a fairy tale; it is a true story that happened and continues today. You may already sense from the title that the story isn’t all good. That’s correct. Most of the story stinks, but after all, it is the harsh reality of life. What happened isn’t fair, and that makes it all the more difficult to accept and understand. Without keeping you in too much suspense, let me begin Doug’s story, and then I’ll tell you all those things you need to know but no one is willing to tell you.

This is the true story about Doug. Parts of his life sound very much like a fairy tale, or at least the parts that occurred when Doug and I met. The fairy tale continued for six years, and then our lives fell apart. It hit the ground with such a force that you would have thought someone dropped a bomb directly on us. In a way, that was what happened. Let me back up several years and tell you about Doug before the bomb. That part is filled with all the good things in life, with a few tidbits of not so good interspersed. I’ll try to remember to tell you when we get to the really rough spots so you can fasten your seat belt, put on your crash helmet, and surround yourself with lots of padding so you won’t get hurt. Ready? Okay, here we go.

Part 1

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In the Beginning …

Doug’s Story