From Dust Returned Part I: Recovering from Catastrophic Loss the Stage of the Child

By Legends Lyric

What would you do if you woke up one day and found that a single event would cause a chain reaction that would change your entire life? That everything you knew about yourself and your life was a lie? Imagine spiraling downward and facing the perfect storm of events unraveling the greatest mystery of all. Who you really are. Would you have the courage to discover your hidden potential and face your greatest fears or block them out with blinders and walls? From Dust Returned Part I takes you on my journey to discovering truths, hidden potentials, and greatest fears. Welcome to where my journey through hell and heaven on earth began! I have returned!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 31, 2015
• ISBN: 9781503512276

Legends Lyric

Legends Lyric was born and raised in Florida. As a child, he would be accomplished in many areas, including sports, academics, and community. As he grew, he would continue to achieve as well as face much opposition. Into his midteen years, he would be diagnosed with various illnesses such as depression, bipolar, manic depression, chemical imbalance depression, and anxiety disorder, along with others. After almost fourteen years of surviving terrible side effects and overcoming challenges stemming from medication, he would face the perfect storm testing him to the limits. Nearly six years later, Legends would resurface medication free, finally overcoming his nearly twenty-year battle! Today he helps people suffering from similar challenges.

Book preview

IT BEGINS

I t is April 2009, and I am alone in my childhood home. Today is the day that my heart broke and I died inside. Now, I realize something is seriously wrong with my life. Something bad just happened to me, you see, something that caused me to come to this realization. I lost everything to circumstances out of my hands: my way, marriage, friends, family, career, childhood home, and even another job on the side, to name a few. I can’t remember the truth of what happened, but I feel tremendous pain. It feels very bad, and I can’t find my way. I cannot understand what caused my downfall; everything seems so crazy and unclear. These circumstances and being in this situation remind me of some things, one of them being when my heart broke as a child. I couldn’t be fooled as a child. When I was born, I was able to comprehend how bad this world was. My awareness of my surroundings and the world in general kept me from innocence or hope for a very short time after my first breath. I longed to go back to the place from whence I came.

I recall as a very young boy, around the ages of three to six, seeing the world for what it was: miserable, filled with liars, thieves, kidnappers, and dangerous people. I recall that I felt the stories of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny were meant to soften the blows of the reality of this world, or to instill hope, or help children hold on to their innocence. Yet, even with those stories, I could clearly see that even if Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny did exist, they were at the mercy of this sorry world, just like me and everyone else. Thus, there was nothing special about them. Neither God nor Satan nor the world could fool me, for I saw through the veil put over children’s and adults’ eyes to block out the truths about the people around them. It was at this time that I developed an animosity toward God, Satan, and all people, which I pushed deep within my soul. This was the first time my heart broke, and I died inside because I saw that my life would be spent surrounded by so many of these people who seemed to hide their true intentions from the rest of the world by their facades. I would spend the days thereafter with that animosity deep within, and it made subtle manifestations in my interactions with people as I saw them often lying to my face or deceiving those around me.

As I grew, I found disgust in the reality that many people in middle school and high school lost their innocence through intimate relationships, and they lost their lives to drugs and alcohol. I was angry because they were just children. I couldn’t understand how the transition from elementary school to middle school in one summer changed their childlike views and how the transition from middle school to high school over one summer changed those very same people again, often for the worse. Many experimented with drugs, intimacy, violence, and criminal activity, amongst other damaging psychological behaviors. These processes often caused me to get abused and picked on by my peers and, in some instances, the very same peers who were my friends the prior school year. In my eyes, intimacy and the understanding of drugs should have been explored many years after high school, hopefully when wisdom abounded. I saw how precious it was for them to keep their virginity and to keep their body clean of drugs and alcohol. It was vital to the ways of keeping mental balance, physical and mental health, and emotional stability, although I did not know how to describe it at that time.

Often, because of the mental overload stemming from the abuse from my peers, and hearing and seeing the effects of these things on the people surrounding me in middle school and high school, I experienced disgust, tremendous sorrow, and great withdrawal. This was because I felt so different and excluded from their mental states and the way I perceived they saw things. I could not figure out how in the heck they processed information because it was chaotic and self-destructive to me. I was not able to comprehend how they could not see the possible consequences of their actions on themselves or, more importantly, the pain their abuse was causing me. I recall much of high school being random stories that I heard in passing about how great this person’s party was or how great intimate moments were over the weekend with boyfriends or girlfriends. These particular stories caused me to feel sick, disappointed, uneasy, and uncomfortable, along with feelings of anguish, mental scarring, and much sorrow because my sensitivity to details was always tremendous. These things were foreign to me and not understandable. At that time, I had the ability to see many of the likely consequences of my choices and comprehend the changes in my behavioral patterns after most choices I made. I perceived that whatever it was that was causing this blindness within them enabled them to do all of those things without seeing the negative that it was having on them. Perhaps, some just didn’t care about the consequences. I don’t know.

Seeing and hearing just how prevalent these things were in my high school and in all high schools, I lost hope of ever finding a girl that I truly loved and that loved me back and that had remained worthy enough, clean enough, and who did not have those damaging and unhealthy mental processes that I abhorred. She would be my princess or wife. I could not stand the thought of some other man having had sexual relations with the girl that was to be my wife before I did. I felt it would leave a subconscious imprint on her brain so that when she was intimate with me, she would not exist completely in the moment and give her whole self to me. I could not stand the possibility of my future soul mate being weak enough, blind enough, and fooled enough to allow this to take place. It made me sick. I believed in soul mates and believed that each person had some on earth. I found great discouragement in the possibility that one or all of my soul mates might have made the choice to give themselves to some guy that just wanted sexual relations and nothing else. Meeting this person later in my life and learning this truth would leave me wounded and mentally alone with my worthiness for the rest of my days. I was told that people can change and that those mistakes could be rectified if they were truly sorry. Yet, I simply could not accept that mentality. There would be no evidence that those acts occurred, and none would be the wiser, yet those acts would exist in the fiber of their being, in their brain, nerves, and muscle memories on subconscious levels, which could manifest through their actions and ways of thinking thereafter. I did not know how to describe it at that time.

Looking back on some of these feelings after going through this whole process of change, I can see that they existed because of the lack of something I needed in my life. I was alone and did not know how to feel any other way, so I wanted people to be as close to me as possible, both mentally and physically, so that I might feel loved and important. I did not realize that I had the ability to create those same feelings within myself.

Today, I walk down the road, and I seem to feel that same old fire from hell that I felt as a child. It continuously scorches my heels. I feel those same feelings again. I feel excluded, unloved, unimportant, unnoticed, alone in my worthiness, and hated, or perhaps I have felt this way all along and just now realized it.

The burdens I face on this road are burdens one could say are reserved for partakers of hell. Yet, I am different. You see, I am very good, and I was always taught to rely on heaven. I was a heavenly warrior given a road to walk that led right through hell. My parents were great parents and made sure I had a place to stay, enough food to eat, and a roof over my head in my childhood and in rough times throughout my life. They did the best they could with the knowledge they had and often went the extra mile to try to help me. I would find, however, that even in these actions there was something lacking. As a child, I was aware of the emotional detachment from my parents early on although I did not have the wisdom to express what it was or to fully understand what it was. I could see that when my parents bestowed gifts on me, they confused that with emotional attachment. They did not realize that emotional attachment was completely separate from giving gifts, that it was feelings gained through experiencing certain emotions in childhood.

Sadly, because both of my parents had childhoods where they too experienced emotional detachment, they were not able to give what they did not have. Thus, they would often over water the plant, if you will. They did not realize that giving too much in the areas they knew such as bestowing many gifts or being over protective would not make up for the detachment they possessed. They did not realize that they were missing that emotional connection through feelings that some on this earth were blessed to experience in their childhoods. Thus, because of their lack of knowledge, they tried way too hard to make up for that imbalance. When I expressed my unhappiness at being over watered or when they did not allow me to have my freedom, they reacted in negative ways with the mindset that I was ungrateful and spoiled. They did not realize that they were missing the emotional side of feelings associated with emotional attachment. I did not have the wisdom or knowledge to explain to them where exactly they were going wrong.

Thus, a vicious cycle was created. They would over give; I would complain about not being allowed to have freedom. I felt hated and unloved; they bounced back to opposite extremes by punishments or actions that their perceptions caused them to deem necessary. This was because, in their eyes, I appeared to be ungrateful and difficult for no reason. I would then react to those punishments with an increased anger or frustration because I did not have the knowledge and wisdom to explain what was wrong. The cycle ended by all of us burning (tiring) out with our self-righteousness, and the process would start all over again with nothing being accomplished. The detachment was difficult for others to believe. Other people, such as family friends or my parents’ friends, would see all my parents were doing for me, not realizing that emotional attachment was separate from actions. I realize in looking back that about 80 percent of people on earth are emotionally detached. That is why the people surrounding me in my life could not understand the issues. Why? That old saying that birds of a feather flock together, or in my words, the people who we choose to have around us are often the people who are most like us and who share similar behavior patterns and thought processes. In my opinion, many of those around my parents were also emotionally detached.

It was this detachment that caused much trouble for me in the way of relationships. Ultimately, this caused the terrible depression I endured these past thirteen years. I did not know the feeling of love. This was because neurological pathways in the brain that express the feeling of love were not working properly. Moreover, I was not able to identify or discern it in my relationships with people. This is a typical trait of those who are partakers of this type of trial. So, the lack of wisdom in that area caused my interactions with others to be strange, to say the least, often resulting in me going way overboard in trying to please them and gain their affection. Therefore, people created the belief that there was some hidden agenda behind my actions even though I was doing it because I just wanted to be loved and accepted. I wanted people to say that they loved me. However, I did not have the insight that I was already accepted (emotional attachment) by those who were emotionally attached. Because I put a lot of effort into certain areas of relationships, I reacted in an extreme (emotional detachment) opposite way from how people were reacting to me. I did this to counteract the insecurities that otherwise would not have existed had I not been emotionally detached. I had no middle ground (emotionally detached). Because of my detachment, I was not able to identify their attachment, which would have resulted in me feeling loved and connecting with people on an emotional level. If you, yourself, are emotionally detached, you might not be able to understand these psychological insights. Does this sound familiar?

Eventually, this type of trait caused most people to avoid me like they would a leper instead of embracing me that I might heal. For example: I was socially awkward or lacked the ability to have a consistent flow in my communication that I might connect in ways that made sense to those around me. As I mentioned before, this avoidance by people kept me stuck in old processes that were the exact opposite of what is necessary to heal for one with emotional abandonment. In addition, I had the belief that the unseen emotion of love and emotional attachment existed within me and was an everyday part of my life growing up. The people reinforced that belief by avoiding me. I did not see it. I perceived that all people who showed love were avoided and did not realize it was due to my lack of knowledge of what love really was. People had always avoided me, so I thought it the norm. I did not have the knowledge of what emotional attachment was, so the trying way too hard to be accepted created a blinder, which I will explain in detail later, that became my emotional attachment, which enabled me to overlook the void just like my family did. This is an example of how tribal processes are passed down through the generations.

This way of approaching people was a blinder I developed to compensate for the lack of knowledge in that area. I convinced myself early on in my childhood that it was normal and could not be seen. Eventually, when going into adulthood, I forgot. I saw my interactions with others as one continuous flow with rough ends and jagged edges in my communication, the jagged edges being the lack of knowledge or balance where the void was. After my pleas for help and guidance concerning my issues, I heard only the quiet from the heavens. This was the norm, and it fueled my hidden animosity—silence that could be considered the accepted trait of God, even though answers sent from God or the universe to help me solve the emotional issues were not noticed by me. Yet they were made apparent in the world around me often through him placing people in front of me who might listen and guide me to the right state of mind in my life journey. Because of my skewed perception, I would then see them as defective. Those relationships often ended with those people leaving me alone because they either did all they could to help me realize that they did care, but it did not work because of my blinders, or they just didn’t know what to do or how to help me. Yet I missed it, for I was looking for God or a messenger from him like I had experienced as a child, and I wasn’t able to identify those feelings of love and concern because of the emotional detachment.

The feeling and appearance of people caring were foreign to me, so I thought it was a bad thing. I was not familiar with the good feelings it generated within me. I was not able to recognize the good feelings because extremely bad had been my reality through my many years of suffering and pain. Medications amplified the abandonment feelings I had since childhood. I registered the extremely bad feelings within to be negative and the bad feelings to be positive, which was an imbalance in my emotional processes. I found that asking God to find the right people or for certain blessing throughout my life helped me fill the emotional void as I grew. Then I would reject or push away the help without realizing it. This method of extremes worked for me for a long time, but now I have finally noticed I have blinders in these areas and remember today for the first time since childhood that the detachment or no middle ground has been there all along, hidden by my mental blinders and walls.

There was one other process I was not aware of throughout my life growing up, which led to this catastrophic event. This particular tribal process in my family increased my feelings of sorrow, which is a part of emotional detachment. I believe many families have this very same issue, which often goes unnoticed throughout generations. It is the process of the mob mentality or to gather groups of people—or in my case, my other family members when my actions were not congruent with the unconscious and subconscious tribal teachings passed down through the generations. I have come to realize now that my challenges to question the mental stability of my family members or the choices of some of those tribal processes resulted in a coup of sorts. A mental process to switch on, hidden deep