Plan B: Men in Relational Crises

By Dellen Blackmon

Plan B: A Guide for Men Facing Relational Crises gathers the experiencessometimes challengingof men who have confronted, endured, and emerged from times of great relational crisis in their lives. In particular, author Dellen Blackmon focuses on the upheaval that divorce causes in the lives of men, their spouses, and, most significantly, in the children whose families break apart.

The books chapters address an array of topics, including the responsibilities that come to a man who raises children as a single father, the challenges in navigating the legal system, preparations for making ones relational journey, and insights that can improve a mans understanding of women. Several of the chapters include a section headed, Relationship Checkpoint, giving the reader a series of questions to guide reflection on the topic at hand and to aid in applying insights to ones own life.

Plan B: A Guide for Men Facing Relational Crises recognizes the earthshaking impact of relational crises in the lives of men, their children, and others around them. As the author notes, There have been times in my life when I found myself at a crossroads. I wondered which road to take, and either through hastiness or emotional need, I took a wrong turn. Wrong decisions bring hard realities and consequences. The choices we make are not always optimal, but it is important to acknowledge our poor choices, learn from them, and move forward. Plan B stands ready to help you make such progress in your own life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Mar 11, 2016
• ISBN: 9781491783900

Dellen Blackmon

Dellen Blackmon, a businessman and educator, holds an undergraduate degree from Trinity International University and two advanced degrees from other academic institutions. He is a single father of four: one daughter and three sons. For more than three decades he has lived in North Barrington, Illinois.

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© 2016 Dellen Blackmon.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-4917-8388-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-8389-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-8390-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015920069

iUniverse rev. date: 04/01/2016

Contents

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1 When Your World Disintegrates

Chapter 2 Paternity

Chapter 3 A Father’s Legacy

Chapter 4 Women

Chapter 5 Children in the Crossfire

Chapter 6 Taking the High Road

Chapter 7 The Legal System

Chapter 8 Four Stories: Victorious and Painful

Chapter 9 The Road Ahead and the Big Picture

Chapter 10 The Road Ahead … Your Choice (Part 2)

Chapter 11 Redemption and Hope

Epilogue

Notes

To Kelly, Freddy, Brent, and Alec

Preface

This book is the summary of my two decades of insightful and intimate yet frequently painful conversations with men and women about relational failures that often lead to debilitating heartache and despair. My own relational failures have been the catalyst for writing Plan B. Having personally experienced the anxiety, emotional turbulence, and uncertainty that follow a divorce, I realized firsthand the need for honest discussion and direction.

I want to thank those who have revealed their souls to me—at times choking back the tears. Without those copious, frank, and open conversations, this book would not have been written. I trust that the words in this book will guide you through whatever relational darkness you are experiencing today.

Introduction

Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

—2 Corinthians 1:4

You could confidently say that I am truly a plan A guy, but I am now fully living a life deep in what I call plan B. Plan A, at least by my definition, is being in a fulfilling marriage to a woman you love, care for, and respect within a dynamic and nurturing family environment. Never completely perfect, this is what many of us dream of, strive for, and idealize.

In our high-octane, adrenaline-pounding society, many relational journeys do not end up where we expected, falling well short of the satisfying relational mark. There exists around us a great deal of relational heartache and wreckage, deep emotional pain, and brokenness. It is hard to miss; we often hear these sad and tragic stories at the gym, cocktail parties, or at our children’s various activities. They are painful conversations to overhear; much too often, they are full of anger, hopelessness, loneliness, and gut-wrenching despair, especially when children are right in the center of it all.

My story, quite unfortunately, is not that unique or different from many other stories out there today. As I set out on my life’s course on a preplanned trajectory, I did not expect to be at the place where I am today. I was not planning to quietly write a book about my decades of experiences as well as the experiences of many others I have encountered on my journey. I did not see not writing this book as an option. Call it a higher power or a basic internal need to reach out to others and sound the relational warning bells—I needed to press forward with this book. I have been driven to get these words on paper beginning as far back as a decade ago. It was only when I was riffed from my demanding management position about three years ago that I found the time to start this book.

I am very deep into plan B, specifically more than twenty years. As mentioned earlier, this had not been the plan; in fact, I never thought I would have the abashing words divorce or paternity associated with my name. My long journey has been extraordinarily painful, extremely anxiety ridden, and horribly expensive from an emotional and financial standpoint. I did not get here easily. In fact, it has been a result of a series of bush league choices by others—but mainly myself.

It has been a combination of sheer blindness and ignorance in understanding those around me. Their communication—both verbal and nonverbal—has been aimed at either deceiving me or helping and guiding me along. I simply was tuned out from the things that really mattered. As a result, this has firmly planted me into plan B.

I take complete and full responsibility for my actions and blame no one. I take full responsibility for my place in life today. As bad