Darnel "Pimpy Dee" Sanchez: The Auto"Rhyme"Ography

By Darnel “Pimpy Dee” Sanchez

THERE LIVES A MAN,

HE'S CALLED PIMPY DEE!

HE LIVES IN A TOWN,

WHICH IS NEXT TO THE SEA!

THIS IS HIS STORY,

ABOUT SEX, DRUGS AND CRIME!

AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY,

TOLD IN NOTHING BUT RHYME!

IT'S CONTROVERSIAL AND SHOCKING,

WITH EXPLICIT LYRICS AND CRUDITY,

THIS BOOK CONTAINS ILLEGAL ACTS,

AND UNCENSORED NUDITY!

SO DONT JUST READ THIS BIT,

AND PUT THE BOOK BACK ON THE SHELF,

PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET,

AND BUY ONE FOR YOURSELF!!!!

CAT IN THE HAT ON CRACK (fluffy boot magazine)

THE FIRST(and probably the last)

EVER BOOK OF IT'S KIND - UNMISSABLE

***** FIVE OUT OF FIVE (the daily heckl )

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Feb 6, 2009
• ISBN: 9781467881562

Darnel “Pimpy Dee” Sanchez

Inspiring,insulting,brash,crude,wrong,dodgy,mean,lovin,hairy,a gent,a poet,a poker of bits and a squeezer of tits ! A drinker , a thinker , a smoker of pot !Darnel Sanchez is many things but a Butt he is not !

Book preview

Darnel Pimpy Dee Sanchez

The Autorhymeography

Darnel Pimpy Dee Sanchez

US%26UK%20Logo%20B%26W_new.ai

AuthorHouse™ UK Ltd.

500 Avebury Boulevard

Central Milton Keynes, MK9 2BE

www.authorhouse.co.uk

Phone: [phone]

© 2009 Darnel Pimpy Dee Sanchez. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 2/4/2009

ISBN: 978-1-4389-4337-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4678-8156-2 (ebook)

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

Contents

INTRO

AGAIN (A-GAIN) AND AGAIN (A-GEN)

HOW I CAME TO BE

MUMS PRAM

SISTERS

DAD

UPTON

RUBBISH TRUCK

CARTOONS

YELLOW KNICKERS

I LIKE

PILEDRIVER

WINDTUNNELL

SCHOOL DISCO

CHARLES DICKENS

N.W.A.

TALL KATE

THUNDERBIRDS

PUBERTY

KELLY

FIT OF RAGE

FRENCH TEACHER

BULLYS

BUDDIES

BUDDIES PART 2

GILLIAN’S LIPS

BIG STU

BIG STU’S RAVE

COLLEGE

I’M

NOT A

VIRGIN

PENGUINS

HAYLEY

CANNABIS

CHRIS THE WIGGA

WIGGA BROTHERS BIGGER BROTHER

STRAWBERRYS

CARAVAN

TREVOR & DODGY PAUL

HAIRY SUE

COOKIES

NICOLE, SARAH AND HAIRY SUE

LAZERDROME

MORE COOKIES

MUMS STUDENTS

EARLY

RIVER ISLAND

CAUGHT RED HANDED!!

JANE

BLACK LIPSTICK

THE 52 YEAR OLD

GOOD STEVEN (THE NURSE)

JANE AGAIN

SEAN GREEN

RIVER ISLAND

G.B.’s

MOOWOOF

FOLDING JEANS

GASOLINE ALLEY

SNIFF SNIFF

ELITE

MY 21’st

DINNER WITH THE JAGGERS

PIMPY WAS A ROLLING STONE

MARIE

CHRISTMAS TREE

MARIE FAMILY TREE

PICK A POCKET PHONE

SAKRA

CRAIG AND RIK

BEN AND THE

KETAMIN

FATTY’S

DOING CRACK

FIRE

PICK A POCKET PHONE – OR TWO!!

CAN I MANAGE? YES I CAN!

CARLY

LOTTERY

COCK 4 U !!!

PHONES 4 ME

PHONES 4 MARTIN

GAS THE BEGINNING

N. POWER STRIKE 1

ALL ABOARD THE

SEEBOARD!!!

STEVES FLAT

SHAUNA AND DANIELLE

WE DON’T NEED NO WATER

STEVE CAN’T UNDERSTAND

SHAUNA AND DANIELLE

THE PUSSY FIGHT

PORN

FREE LIGHT BULBS

MIDDLESBOROUGH

COUNCIL POP

SHITTY STEVE

THE TOAD

SHAUNA-GAIN – CHRISTIAN

SEE ‘YA’ BOARD

NOT SO

COMFORT INN

NORTHERN ELECTRIC

JANE PAIN

SORRY JANE

MARTINS STARTIN

JENNY THE SMACK HEAD

JENNY THE SMACK HEAD AND THE HEART ATTACK

SELINA – THE BET

SELINA – CHEF

DIB DIB DIB, DAB DAB DAB!!

N.POWER AWARD DAY

CLIVE (N. POWER)

JENNY AND SELINA UNITED

CHAPEL SQUARE

‘WORLD CUP 2002’

ENGLAND 1 ARGENTINA 0 (THE AFTERMATH)

TINA

FATBOY DAY

SELINA, XENA, NINA AND TINA

SMELLY RICHARD

A ROOM WITH A TINA

TERRY

RIGHT UP TINAS ARSENAL

EXIT THE TINA

BIG UP THE BETH

FOLK WEEK

STOP THAT SAID KAT

JO

COUNCIL FACE

TOAST

BUM GRAVY

MY FISH

KEV IN THE BED

FRANCOS

SPANISH GIRL

GATECRASHER

THE FLYING MER PUNCH

JESS

MR FOX

BRAIN FLUID

FRIENDLY

JESUS ARMY

TAKE AWAYS

CRAIG THE SQUADDIE

POSH BIRD

JAPTASTIC

BED SHEETS

ANDY MARSH

NO POWER

MICHELLE

CANDIS CLUB

POWERGENITALS

JENNA, JENNA WHO THE FUCK

IS JENNA?

HOW TO OUTSTAY YOUR WELCOME

WHERE TO STAY AFTER OUTSTAYING

YOUR WELCOME!!

JENNAS MUM

JIMMY THE GENT

DAN

THE SQUID

SKINNY ANGE

TETLEY

BLOODY HO’S

SLEAZY GIRL

REAPER

SECOND HAND RABBITS

(GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE RABBITS DO!)

TURN THE KETTLES OFF

AUF WEIDERSANE JENNA

HAIRY BASTARD

RATS

DRATS

THE DREAM

TOLD YOU HE LOOKED

LIKE A PAEDOPHILE

SCOTTISH POWER/WARM FRONT

TOO MUCH EFFORT

WARM FRONT’ED IT!!

PETER AND CAROLINE

NOTTING HILL

BLACK LISA

CHICKEN AND RIBS

BLOCKBUSTED

COCKBUSTER

ROONEY

ENTER THE CHOMP

COUNCIL FACE (PART 2)

HAIR

PHALL

ROMANCING THE CHOMP

THE WONDERFUL MANOEUVRE!!

FEET

KIDNAPPED

COLD FRONT

SOUTHERN ELECTRIC

GINGER DAN AND THE BLUNTS

BENS IN SWEDEN

THE ANN SUMMERS ORDER!!

DIRTY PAM

DIRTY MEL

WAY OF THE CHOMP

THE CHOMPORCIST

TONI TONI TONI

PARIS HILTON

CHAVVY AMY

MORE FOLK WEEK

FOLKING FLAFFLE

FUNTIME FLAFFLE

GIMP SUIT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FLAFFLE

A.T.M. NASH MACHINE

RETREAT TO PETE’S

CURSE OF THE EXPLODING CHOMPY

I’VE GOT MORE BALLS THAN YOU!!

KICKING A MAN

(IN HIS THREE NUTS)

WHILST HE’S DOWN!!

NO MORE SOUTHERN!

THE E.D.F. INTERVIEW

NURSE STEVE THE GAS MAN

THE MANC

CAPTAIN NIBBLES

WHY DIDN’T I GO PRIVATE?

WHY IS IT ALWAYS DOORMEN

THAT BEAT ME UP?

FAT LEO

FLAPS

WHEN CHOMPS GO BAD

FAT EMMA

SWEDEN

VIKING KILLERS

SORRY I SEEM TO HAVE BROKE MYSELF!

RETURN OF THE MANC

E.D.F. (ENJOY DA FUCK)

WORLD CUP 2006

GREEN HOT PANTS

ME AND THE MANC MOVE HOME

PIGEONS

FINGERING THE FIN

ENGLAND V PORTUGAL

FOREST

(FILTHY)

MARIA AND THE BRAZILIAN

ELECTRICITY DA FUCK IT!!!

MARIA COMES TO VISIT

SKY

NICE SEXY AMY

SCOOP AND SPLAT

HERMAN

SQUISHY FIN

ALL HEART

EMILY

CRACK IN THE CUPBOARD

MARIA 3 (THE GANG BANG)

HOW AWFUL

MOO! MOO! OINK!

MOO! MOO! MORNING MATE

SMELLY RICHARD 2

OINK! OINK! KATE!

THE FROG

JINGLE CHOMPS

SMELLY RICHARD MOVES IN

BAD TEXT!

SMELLY RICHARD MOVES OUT

MANCS FOR THE MEMORIES

THE QUESTION MARK

THE VIRGIN

ANY ROOM FOR ME??

LAY A LITTLE EGG!!

GROWING WEED

LIL’ MATT AND NEIL

SKY’S THE LIMIT

SCOTTISH POWER II (PART 1)

MUSHROOM

PETER CROSS

LIL’ MATT

TIMMY J

TREV

JUB JUB

CLAIRE

FRANKIE

MANCS BUT NO MANCS

THE CHRONICLES OF RAGBAT!

RAGBAT LOOPY NUTS ARE WE!!!

IF YOUR DAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT!!

FRANKI – FURTER!

HAVE YOUR CAKE AND BEAT IT!

30TH BIRTHDAY PARTY

JO - CAR

SCOTTISH POWER II (Part 2)

SMEF!!

CHRIS

MARK II

DODGY PAUL

DAN

MUFFIT

ILL DAD

DON’T BET ON IT!!

I’M A FUCKING BANKER!!

DEATH SUCKS!!!

THE FUNERAL

DAD

INTRO 

MAYBE THIS PROJECT IS IMMORAL

AND IN SOME WAYS QUITE PERVERSE

TO DOCUMENT MY CRAZY LIFE

IN THE FORM OF COMIC VERSE

BUT NOW I’VE GONE AND DONE IT

SO HERE IT IS FOR YOU

ALL DONE IN CHILD LIMERICK

AND ALL COMPLETELY TRUE!!

AGAIN (A-GAIN) AND AGAIN (A-GEN)

AGAIN AND AGAIN

ARE BOTH THE SAME WORD

BUT THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT WAYS

IN WHICH THEY CAN BE HEARD

SO WHEN RHYMING WITH WORDS

SUCH AS PAIN, MAIN OR JANE

THE WAY TO PRONOUNCE IT

IS SIMPLY A-GAIN

BUT TO GET IT TO RHYME

WITH BEN, MEN OR TEN

PRONOUNCE IT CORRECTLY

BY SAYING A-GEN!!!

HOW I CAME TO BE

I WAS BORN IN LOVELY BROADSTAIRS

IN THE YEAR NINETEEN SEVENTY SEVEN

AND I’M DEDICATING THIS BOOK TO MY DAD

WHO NOW IS UP IN HEAVEN

HE AND MY MUM HAD GOT TOGETHER

AND DIVORCED WHO THEY’D BEEN WITH

THEN TRAVELLED DOWN TO LOVELY BROADSTAIRS

WHERE THEY DECIDED THEY WOULD LIVE

MY MUM CAME WITH HER 2 DAUGHTERS

SO MY SISTERS THEY WOULD BE

THE YOUNGER ONE WAS ZOE

AND THE OTHER WAS SADIE

SADIE HAD TWO LITTLE ONES

CRAIG AND EMILY

AND SINCE THE AGE OF EIGHTEEN MONTHS

THEIR UNCLE WOULD BE ME

ZOE HAD THREE CHILDREN TOO

LAURA THEN LIAM THEN SAM

IT DOESN’T SEEM THAT LONG AGO

I SAW THEM ALL IN PRAMS

MY BABY PHOTOS IN THE HOUSE

MAKE ME OUT TO HAVE A FROWN

PERHAPS IT’S COS I WAS LEFT IN THE SUN

THAT I HAVE TURNED OUT BROWN

AND I’M SURE THAT AS A BABY

I HAD THAT PIERCING BABY SCREECH

MY MUM WOULD OFTEN TAKE ME

DOWN TO OUR LOCAL BEACH

MY DAD WOULD TAKE ME CRABBIN

AND LIFT UP ALL THE ROCKS

AND ALL THE LITTLE CRABS WE FOUND

WE’D PUT IN OUR PLASTIC BOX

OCCASIONALLY I’D WANDER OFF

ON A LITTLE WALK

ONE TIME I COVERED ANOTHER KID

COMPLETELY WITH SOME CHALK

I THINK I CRAPPED ON MY SISTERS FLOOR

AND ONCE WROTE MY NAME IN WEE

BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER THAT MUCH MORE

FROM MY INFANTCY!!

MUMS PRAM

MY MUM HAS GOT A BIG OLD PRAM

BUT IT DOESN’T HOLD A BABY

IT’S FULL OF JUNK AND BITS AND BOBS

I THINK SHE MIGHT BE CRAZY!!

SISTERS

I’VE GOT TWO LOVELY SISTERS

WHO I THINK I BETTER MENTION

ONE WHO IS TRAINED TO STITCH ME UP

AND ONE WHO GIVES DETENTION

Sisters%201.jpg

DAD

MY FATHER WAS A BETTING MAN

MY FATHER LIKED A BET

HE MAY HAVE BEEN A BETTER MAN

HAD HE COME FROM TIBET!

UPTON

MY PRIMARY SCHOOL WAS UPTON

I WAS IN THE CLASS OF GREEN

BUT IN YEAR THREE GOT MOVED TO BLUES

FOR BEING TOO OBSCENE!!

COLIN HAD SPRAYED SOME FART GAS

AND MADE THE CLASSROOM STINKY

I CHASED EVE’S SISTER ROUND THE FIELD

PLAYING WITH MY WINKY!

SO MY MUM GOT SUMMONED TO THE SCHOOL

TO HEAR OF WHAT I DID

UPTON WAS A LOVELY SCHOOL

AND WAS FULL OF LOVELY KIDS!!

RUBBISH TRUCK

THERE USED TO BE A RUBBISH TRUCK

ON FRIDAY AT THE MARKET

JUST ON THE LEFT AS YOU WALKED IN

WAS WHERE THEY USED TO PARK IT!!

CARTOONS

WHEN I SENT OFF MY RASHER STICKER ALBUM

IT CAME AS REALLY NO SURPRISE

THAT THE MEN WHO RAN THE BEANO

SHOULD ISSUE ME FIRST PRIZE

SEE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID

THE CARTOONS I DID WERE ACE

THERE WAS THE ADVENTURES OF SILLY SAM

AND THE CONDOMS FROM OUTTA SPACE!!

SEE I REALLY DID LIKE DRAWING STUFF

PLUS IT KEPT ME BUSY

I DREW A COMPLETE WALK THROUGH GUIDE

TO TREASURE ISLAND DIZZY!

I SENT IT TO A COMPUTER MAGAZINE

AND IT WON FIRST PRIZE TOO

IT WAS GREAT THAT I GOT PRIZES

DOING SOMETHING I REALLY LOVED TO DO!!

Cartoon%202.jpgBeano%203.jpg

YELLOW KNICKERS

PLAYING ON THE PLAYING FIELD

I REMEMBER LITTLE FLICKERS

OF SARAH DOING CARTWHEELS

TO REVEAL HER YELLOW KNICKERS!!

4.jpg

I LIKE

SOMETIMES I LIKE WATCHING FRAGGLE ROCK

BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE INSTEAD

WATCHING DANGERMOUSE AND BATFINK

AND THE MIGHTY SUPER TED!

I LIKE MY STAR WARS FIGURES

AND HAVE ALL THE MERCHANDISE

I REALLY LIKE PRINCESS LEA

COS I THINK THAT SHE IS NICE!!

I LIKE GHOSTBUSTERS IT’S AN AWESOME FILM

AND I LIKE SLIMERS GOO

I LIKE THE FOLLOW UP IT’S JUST AS GOOD

IT’S CALLED GHOSTBUSTERS 2!!

I LIKE MY BOX OF LEGO

I LIKE TO BUILD AND BUILD ALL DAY

HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO’S

IS A GAME I LIKE TO PLAY

I LIKE PAINTING WARHAMMER MINIATURES

IT’S A SKILL THAT I’M PERFECTING

I LIKE GARBAGE PAIL KID STICKERS

THE’RE WHAT I LIKE COLLECTING

I LIKE SUPPORTING Q.P.R.

AND ANY CLOTHING MADE BY NIKE

AND THAT I THINK IS JUST ABOUT

ALL THE THINGS I THINK I LIKE!!

PILEDRIVER

I USE TO WATCH THE WRESTLING

DON’T TRY THIS THE WARNING WOULD SAY

SO I PILEDRIVED A FIRST YEAR KID

AND WAS SUSPENDED FOR A DAY!!!

WINDTUNNELL

OFTEN AT THE WEEKENDS

KIDS WOULD TRESSPASS TO …

A DISUSED RAIL TUNNEL

THAT YOU COULD WANDER THROUGH

IT WAS DARK AND VERY SOOTY

AND FULL OF GROT AND GRIME

THE GIRLS WOULD FIND IT SCARY

SO WE WENT THERE ALL THE TIME!!

SCHOOL DISCO

I REMEMBER A SCHOOL DISCO

WHERE EIGHTIES SONGS WERE SUNG

I KISSED A GIRL CALLED LINDA

BUT SHE BIT MY FUCKING TONGUE!!

CHARLES DICKENS

AFTER ATTENDING UPTON

I WENT TO THE CHARLES DICKENS SCHOOL

WITH MR COX AND MR WHITEHEAD

AND ALSO MR RULE

MR PARSONS AND MR DAVIES

AND OF COURSE MRS MACBRIDE

CHARLES DICKENS WAS LIKE MY SCHOOL REPORT

IT FAILED BUT IT TRIED!!

N.W.A.

I WAS JUST A LITTLE NIPPER

WHEN I LISTENED TO N.W.A.

I GOT TAUGHT TO SAY FUCK THE POLICE

BY ICE CUBE AND DR. DRE!!

TALL KATE

MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND WAS KATE

A GIRL WHO WAS TWICE MY HEIGHT

SHE COULD GET SERVED THUNDERBIRDS

SO WE GOT DRUNK AT NIGHT!!

5.jpg

THUNDERBIRDS

THUNDERBIRDS IS NOT A SHOW

IT IS A NASTY DRINK

AND IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH OF IT …

… YOU WILL VOMIT IN THE SINK!!

PUBERTY

I GUESS THE DAY I REALISED

I’D GOT THROUGH PUBERTY

WAS WHEN I HAD A PROPER WANK

WATCHING SATELITE T.V.!!

KELLY

AT SCHOOL ME AND MY BUDDYS

WHENEVER WE WERE ABLE

WOULD DROP OUR PENS AND BOOKS AND STUFF

UNDERNEATH THE TABLE

FOR SITTING JUST ACROSS FROM US

WAS A DIRTY GIRL CALLED KELLY

SITTING WITH HER LEGS APART

REVEALING SOMETHING PINK AND SMELLY!

FIT OF RAGE

GARETH TIPPED HIS STRONGBOW

ON MY NEW YORK YANKYS JACKET

I TRIED TO REMAIN NICE AND CALM

BUT I’M AFRAID I COULDN’T HACK IT

I BLACKED OUT IN A FIT OF RAGE

AND THREW HIM ONTO A CAR BONNET

COS HE HAD MADE MY JACKET WET

BY POURING CIDER ON IT!!

FRENCH TEACHER

OUR FRENCH TEACH MISS IRONSIDE

SITS WITH HER LEGS OPEN WIDE

BONJOUR, BONJOUR, OUI, OUI, OUI, OUI,

WHAT IS THIS WINKING AT ME

IN TEACHERS PANTY’S IT TRIES TO HIDE

MERCI BACÚE MISS IRONSIDE

BULLYS

JUST COS KEVEN WAS A LITTLE LAD

SOME BOYS AT SCHOOL WEREN’T NICE

BUT NOW HE’S FUCKING MASSIVE

SO HAVE THIS FREE PIECE OF ADVICE

IF YOUR GONNA BULLY ANYONE

MAKE SURE YOU THINK IT THROUGH

COS THAT ‘ANYONE’ MIGHT GROW REAL BIG

COME BACK AND BULLY YOU!!

BUDDIES

AT SECONDARY SCHOOL

I MUST CONFESS

MY FIRST GOOD FRIEND

WAS ANDREW PRESS

AFTER THAT

WAS MATTHEW HITCHIN

THERE WAS TASTY FOOD

IN HIS MUMS KITCHEN

BUDDIES PART 2

IAN WAS MY LAST SCHOOL FRIEND

HIS PARENTS HOUSE I USE TO VISIT

TO GO AND WATCH HIS FATHERS PORN

WHICH I’D DESCRIBE AS QUITE EXQUISITE!!

GILLIAN’S LIPS

GILLIAN HAS THE BIGGEST LIPS

THERE BIG AND RED AND SQUISHY

I WONDER IF HER OTHER LIPS

ARE JUST AS BIG BUT FISHY?

BIG STU

IAN’S BROTHER STUART

I THOUGHT WAS REALLY COOL

I WANTED TO BE JUST LIKE HIM

WHEN I ATTENDED SCHOOL

I USE TO COPY STUARTS RAVE TAPES

BUT WHEN HE CAUGHT ME IN THE ACT

I’D HAVE TO RUN AWAY FROM HIM

OR GET VIOLENTLY ATTACKED!!

BIG STU’S RAVE

THE FIRST RAVE I EVER WENT TO

WAS ORGANISED BY IAN’S BROTHER

IT WAS CALLED GARDEN OF EDEN

AND IT LED TO MANY OTHERS!!

COLLEGE

I WENT TO COLLEGE WHEN I FINISHED SCHOOL

AND STUDIED ART DESIGN

I DIDN’T REALLY DO A LOT

AND BUNKED OFF MOST OF THE TIME

I HAD A TUTOR WHO TOOK TEXTILES

HER NAME WAS ANNE MONROW

SHE KICKED ME OUT HER LESSON

FOR REASONS YOU SHOULD KNOW

I’D MADE A GREAT BIG ‘SLAG’ SIGN

WITH AN ARROW TO HER HEAD

STUCK IT ABOVE WHERE SHE WAS SAT

WHICH SHE LOOKED UP