LeTteR books

󿿽 COULD the IT technicians at Adobe please remove the window that keeps popping up saying “InDesign unexpectedly quit”? I know it’s fucking quit because everything disappears off my screen and I have to start it up again. And it happens so often, it’s not actually that unexpected.

Hector Plantpots, Goole

󿿽 WHY ONearth do American drill sergeants insist on telling their soldiers to march “left, left, left, right, left”? Surely having to do two little skips between steps puts them at a disadvantage against any enemy troops that use the more conventional marching tactic of following each left step with a right one.

Magnus Mbanu, Peterborough

󿿽 I JUST did a fart that was on a par with the roar the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Lion makes at the start of a film, and when I looked at my mobile phone the battery had completely drained. Admittedly I haven’t charged it for a while but I still find it a bit spooky. I’m not saying I just had a paranormal experience but I’m not ruling it out either.

Frank Hamster, Hopton Wafers

󿿽 YOUR PUBLICATION of ten uses the expression ‘half a teacake’ when referencing asemion or partial erection, and I find myself wondering if you are referring to half a bread teacake or half a chocolate teacake, like those made by Tunnocks. I can only assume the latter, as a Tunnocks teacake is the shape of a bell-end, and to be honest I have no idea what the fuck it would have to do with bread with currants in.

Timmy Fish, Mansfield

󿿽 I ACCIDENTALLY boiled some soup the other day and as far as I can tell the flavour wasn’t impaired. What other lies are the likes of Crosse and Blackwell telling us?

Eldon Furse, Leeds

󿿽 football linesmen have two flags each? That way, they could communicate with the referee and each other