Shattered Memories: Lost but Not Forgotten

By Evon Lewis-Bryant

My story reflects times of pain, sorrow, happiness, all wrapped into one life. This story tells the true story of myself as a little girl that had to grow up to learn early in life the role of an adult; putting the dolls away replacing them with high heels I had to become a mother and father in order to survive in a world that had no mercy. I put my life on hold to care for a mom, two brothers, and a sister to keep them safe. I lived a life full of turmoil, neglect, abuse, molestation, trials and many tribulations and having to feed, clothe and care for my family for many years; until one day I was relieved and giving a chance to be a child from the help of my grandparents. This was indeed a dream I longed to see for many years, I finally had the chance to enjoy life to the fullest. Before, I let my guards down only to let other people disrupt and destroy my long awaited joy and in the mist of all this I had to endure the death of my grandparents and siblings. One day I could not fight any longer. I had been married twice suffering both physical and mental abuse in my relationships ultimately sending me into a mental institution. I strived to make what was left of my life complete; everything and anything I tried to do became a disaster often I wanted to just give up I kept hoping, praying, working, and caring for my (now very ill) mother I was always there for my children. I still struggle day to day forcing a grim smile knowing the mistakes I made in life were to be corrected and not repeated. I had to learn the hard way and now I suffer at the cost. One day I hope to erase the mess I have made of my life by reversing my mistakes made in the past. I realized I am in control and others are not I am stronger and braver because of my turbulent times. I stand now to be heard and not to be silent. I have spared many of my feelings only to be left alone with a broken heart. Now its my turn to stand my ground there will be no more excuses for crushing my heart wondering why me? I will smile and enjoy life as the ones who caused me pain. I will laugh and I will smile only this time I know its real. I realize all things were not the cause of me now; but were forced on me through others I am not one of great importance or do I have name embedded in Hollywood square. But, through reading my story you may find your life become a wasted one. You hold the power of your life take it and enjoy all the worlds pleasures!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: May 19, 2008
• ISBN: 9781465322241

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Copyright © 2008 by Evon Lewis-Bryant, R.T.

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Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER ONE

THE BEGINNINGS OF LIFES UPS AND DOWNS

CHAPTER TWO

TAKING THE ROLE OF AN ADULT

CHAPTER THREE

A CHILDS STRUGGLE TO SURVIVE MANS FORCE

CHAPTER FOUR

STANDING STRONG AND FALLING HARD

CHAPTER FIVE

A CELEBRATION TO REMEMBER

CHAPTER SIX

TRUST NOT THE ONE YOU’RE WITH

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE FAMILY THAT GREW

CHAPTER EIGHT

OUT OF MOTHER IN-LAWS CLAWS

CHATER NINE

UNTIL DEATH DO US PART

CHAPTER TEN

A SMILE THAT FOOLED EVEN ME

CHAPTER ELEVEN

LISTEN TO THESE WORDS

In memory of

grandparents.tif

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK GOD AND HIS SON JESUS CHRIST FOR STAYING WITH ME; WHEN I THOUGHT I COULD NOT SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD. HE WOKE ME; UP EACH DAY THROUGH THE STORMS OF MY LIFE AND KEPT ME MOVING THROUGH A TUNNEL OF WHICH I SAW NO END OR LIGHT I ASKED, WHY ME? I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THEN; BUT I HAD A PURPOSE HERE ON EARTH AND MANY THINGS LEFT TO DO UNDONE. I PRAYED MANY DAYS AND NIGHTS FOR STRENGTH. I THOUGHT GOD HAD FORGOTTEN ME; NOT REALIZING THE STRENGTH WAS WITHIN ME. I HELD ON TO FAITH KNOWING GOD WOULD NOT LEAVE MY SIDE BECAUSE; I AM HERE TODAY TO WRITE THE STORY OF MY LIFE.

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO THANK THE ONES WHO STOOD BY MY SIDE; WHEN I THOUGHT ALL HOPE WAS GONE I DID NOT KNOW WHICH WAY TO TURN. I FELT ALONE, HOPELESS; DISSAPOINTED AND MANY TIMES I WENT TO BED CRYING. I WANTED TO DO MANY THINGS; ONE WAS TO ACCOMPLISH MY DREAM. I HAD NO IDEA OF WHERE TO START I HAD INTENTIONS OF WRITING A BOOK. THERE WERE MANY OBTICULES THAT PREVENTED ME FROM DOING WHAT I LOVED. THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE; THAT TOLD ME I COULD AND I SAID I COULD NOT. BUT I DID HERE’S MY LIFES STORY.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO MY GRANDPARENTS, MOTHER, SISTER, BROTHERS, CHILDREN, GRANDSON (DEDE), DASHAUN CHARLES, DENA (COUSIN), LORRIE NORWOOD, DEBRA WILSON, CONNIE HURT, AUNTS, UNCLES AND A VERY SPERICAL FRIEND IN MY LIFE LEWIS JOHNSON. MAY GOD BLESS AND BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

EVON LEWIS-BRYANT,R.T. BORN IN CHICAGO, IL.; NOW WORKING AS A RADIOLOGIST TECHNOLOGIST AT ST. BERNARD HOSPITAL. EDUCATION; ATTENDED CORKERY ELEMENTREY, FARRAGUT HIGH, CENTRAL Y.M.C.A. COLLEGE, UNIVERSITY OF IL. MEDICAL CENTER AND MALCOLM X COLLEGE. I RAISED THREE CHILDREN WHO ARE NOW YOUNG ADULTS WORKING TO PURSUE THIER OWN CAREERS.

LIFE WAS NOT AN EASY ONE I INCOUNTERED MANY BUMPS AND BRUISES ALONG MY JOURNEY. I FOUGHT LONG AND HARD TO GET WHERE I AM TODAY. I GREW UP THINKING LIFE WOULD BE EASY I FOUND OUT LATER IN LIFE THAT YOU STRUGGLE TO SURVIVE EACH AND EVERYDAY. I TOOK MY MISFORTUNES WITH ONE THOUGHT IN MIND THAT IF I GAVE INTO SOCIETY LETTING IT RULE MY LIFE; WHERE AND WHO WOULD I BECOME? NOTHING! THE WORLD WE LIVE IN TODAY; THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE ARE ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT THEMSELVES, THERE WERE MANY DAYS I DESPERATLY NEEDED SOMEONE TO HELP AND THEY WALKED AWAY WITH CLOSED EYES AND EARS. I SHED TEARS INTO THE RIVER I PLEADED WITH GOD FOR HELP. I DID RECEIVE HIS HELP; BUT NOT WITHOUT MAKING EFFORTS AND SACRIFICES.

I HOPE THAT THIS BOOK WILL TOUCH AND INSPIRE YOUNG AS WELL AS OLD TO FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS. I FOUND OUT THROUGH MY STRUGGLE TO THE TOP THAT LIFE HAS NO BOUNDERIES, YOU CAN BE WHAT YOU WANT; THERE IS NO FREE RIDE. IN YOUR LIFE YOU CONTROL YOUR DESTINATION FOR THE BEST OR FOR THE WORST. I MADE THE CHOSE FOR THE BETTER I REFUSED TO GIVE UP; ALTHOUGH MANY TIMES I SAW NO WAY OUT AND DRUGS, ALCOHOL, GANG BANGING, STEALING WAS NOT AN ANSWER FOR SUCCESS READ AND LEARN THROUGH MY TRAILS AND TRIBULATIONS I MADE IT AND SO CAN YOU!

INTRODUCTION

AT SOME POINT IN ONES LIFE THERE HAS TO BE A TIME WHERE YOU MUST LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND AND MOVE ON INTO THE FUTURE. WE ALL HAVE HAD DREADFUL MOMENTS IN OUR LIVES THAT WE CARE NOT TO REMEMBER. BUT, TIME GOES ON WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. A NEW LIFE BEGINS ANOTHER DAY COMES AND HOLDING ON TO THE PAST DOES NOT CHANGE THINGS THAT MAY HAVE HURT YOU NOR DOES IT MAKE LIFE’S TRAILS AND TRIBULATIONS ANY EASIER. I FOUND OUT THAT HOLDING ON TO THE PAST CAUSED MY LIFE TO BECOME A WORLDWIND OF CONFUSION; THAT ANY ATTEMPT I MADE OF FINDING A WAY OUT WAS MORE DETRIMENTAL AND DISTURBING TO ME THAN JUST LETTING THE PAST REMAIN IN THE PAST.

I AM FIFTY-ONE YEARS OLD; I HAVE NEVER LET THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN PREVIOUS YEARS GO I CONSUMED MY PAIN AND EMBRACED MY UNHAPPINESS; HOLDING ON TIGHTLY TO MISERY AND SOMBER MEMORIES FOR MANY YEARS. I HAVE LIVED AN AGONIZING LIFE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT; WHY ME? I DO UNDERSTAND THAT; THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN MY LIFE WAS NOT SOMETHING I DID WRONG I REALIZE IT’S A PART OF ONES LIFE. WE ALL HAVE CONTROL OVER SOME THINGS IN OUR LIVES AND SOME WE DO NOT AND NO MATTER HOW HARD WE FIGHT TO SEE THAT SHINNING STAR; IN SOME OF OUR LIVES IT WILL NEVER SHINE. I STILL SEARCH MY MIND WONDERING ABOUT TOMORROW WHEN TOMORROW IS A DAY AWAY. I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE SELF-CONSCIOUSLY EMBEDED ALL MY PAIN AWAY IN MY SOUL. TODAY, I AM HAUNTED OVER AND OVER WITH THE PAIN I SUFFERED IN MY LIFE. I NEED TO BRING CLOSER TO THAT PART OF MY LIFE; IN ORDER TO MOVE INTO THE PRESENT. SO! WITH THAT IN MIND I DECIDED TO WRITE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MY LIFE OF LETTING GO AND NEVER LOOKING BACK WOUNDERING; WHY ME?

CHAPTER ONE

THE BEGINNINGS OF LIFES UPS AND DOWNS

HOW DO I MOVE ON FROM YESTERDAYS ANGUISH AND TOMORROWS SORROWS? I HAVE ALWAYS WONDERED; IF THERE WAS SOME SORT OF PREPARATION OR DO BAD THINGS APPEAR NATURALLY. I CAN REMEMBER THINGS FROM MY CHILDHOOD TODAY; AS IF I HAD NEVER LEFT THAT ERA OF MY LIFE GO AND MOVE ON. ONE, THING IS THAT I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO LET GO AND CONTINUE ON WITH MY LIFE. I DO KNOW THERE IS A GOD AND ONE DAY HE WILL HEAR MY CRYS OF PAIN AND WILL EXTEND HIS ARMS OUT GUIDING ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. I REALIZE THAT MOST BLESSINGS AND GIFTS GIVEN TO PEOPLE ARE OFTEN TAKEN FOR GRANTED AND THEY ARE NOT APPRECIATED. GOD! ONLY KNOWS THAT IF GIVEN A CHANCE I WOULD CHERISH THAT ONE MOMENT OF TIME OF HAPPINESS THAT YOU OR ANYONE HAD; I WOULD HOLD IT AS A GUIDE AND CARRY IT WITH ME THROUGH THE STORMS OF MY LIFE.

I CAN REMEMBER AS FAR BACK AS BEING FIVE YEARS OLD. I WAS A YOUNG GIRL TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AND MAKE SENSE OF MY WORLD. I WOUNDERED; WHY SO MANY HORRIABLE THINGS WERE HAPPENING TO ME AND WHY WAS THERE NO ONE AROUND TO GIVE ME GUIDANCE OR THE ANSWERS I NEEDED. I WANTED TO KNOW; DID I HAVE A FATHER AND IF I DID WHERE WAS HE? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY MOTHER? WHY DID I ALMOST DIE AND HAD TO HAVE SURGERY AT BIRTH? THERE WAS NO ONE THAT COULD ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS. I WAS A FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD BUT, SOMEHOW I HAD TO GROW UP FAST; TO TAKE CARE OF MY MOM, MYSELF AND MY SIBLINGS. I HAD NO LIFE; MY LIFE TO ME CEASED AT THE TIME I WAS BORN.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST STRANGE THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME AS A LITTLE GIRL. MY MOTHER CALLED MY TWO BROTHERS, SISTER AND MYSELF TO COME TO THE KITCHEN. SHE HAD US SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN FLOOR. WHILE, SHE PACED BACK AND FORTH FOR HOURS, I LOOKED DOWN AT THE DIRTY CRACKED WOODEN FLOORS AS I CROSSED MY LEGS. I DID NOT HAVE ANY IDEA AS TO WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH MY MOM. SHE FRANTICALLY PACED BACK AND FORTH THROUGH THE HOUSE AS OUR HEADS TURNED TO FOLLOW HER; EACH TIME SHE PASSED. MY MOMS CONSTANT PACING CAUSED THE FLOOR TO SCREACH WHICH MADE ME EXTREMLY NERVOUS. SUDDENLY! THERE WAS A LOUD KNOCK AT THE DOOR WITHOUT HESITATION MY MOM SWUNG THE DOOR OPEN AND A LADY CAME BARGING IN AS THOUGH SHE LIVED IN OUR HOUSE. I LOOKED AT HER I WONDERED TO MYSELF WHAT DID SHE WANT IN OUR HOUSE AND WHY DID MY MOTHER OPEN THE DOOR. THE FIRST THING I NOTICED ABOUT THIS STRANGE LADY WAS HER FACE. HER FACE WAS COVERED ALL OVER WITH DOTS (FRECKLES).SHE STOOD STARING AT THE FOUR OF US; THEN HER AND MY MOM SAT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. THEY BEGAN TO WHISPER AMONG THEMSELVES; AS IF WE WERE NOT IN THE HOUSE.

AFTER, AWHILE THEY STOOD UP WALKING TOWARDS US AND I MOVED BACK. THE CLOSER THEY CAME TOWARDS ME THE FUTHER I MOVED BACK UNTIL THEY STOPED.THE LADY WITH THE DOTS ON HER FACE BLURTED OUT; THAT SHE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE THE LITTLE GIRL. SO, MY MOM PICKED ME UP AND PUT ME IN HER ARMS. SHE, LOOKED AT MY MOM AND SAID, NOT THE UGLY ONE I WANT THE PRETTY ONE. SHE, PASSED ME BACK TO MY MOM AND PICKED MY SISTER UP FROM THE FLOOR; CRATERING HER IN HER ARMS. SHE SEEMED HAPPY AND PLEASED AS THOUGH SHE HAD WON A SPECIAL PRIZE. I SAT ON THE FLOOR STARING AT HER I WONDERED IF SHE HAD ANY IDEA OF HOW BAD SHE MADE ME FEEL. MY MOTHER STOOD ON THE SIDE OF HER AND WHISPERED SOMETHING IN HER EAR AS THEY WALKED SLOWLY TOWARDS THE DOOR. MY MOM OPENED THE DOOR AND THE LADY WALKED OUT WITH MY SISTER IN HER ARMS AS IF SHE WAS HER CHILD. I HAVE BIG EYES, BUT SEEING WHAT HAD HAPPENED I THINK THEY DOUBLED IN SIZE. MY MOM CALMLY CLOSED THE DOOR AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED; WALKING PASS US SHE WENT INTO HER BEDROOM. SHE, SLAMED THE DOOR BEHIND HER AND WE JUMPED. ABOUT, TEN MINUTES LATER, SHE CAME OUT WALKING PASS US AGAIN AND SHE LEFT THE HOUSE. LEFT, ALONE I TURNED TO LOOK AT MY BROTHERS I WAS AT THIS POINT TOTALLY CONFUSED. I STOOD UP SHORTLY AFTER; SHE HAD GONE I WENT TO THE WASHROOM. I WANTED TO SEE WHY; THE LADY CALLED ME UGLY. I COVERED MY FACE WITH MY HANDS I SLOWLY PUT THEM DOWN LOOKING IN THE MIRROR I SAW WHAT SHE MEANT. I WAS VERY UGLY I COULD SEE IT FOR MYSELF. I TRIED TO WASH THE UGLY FACE AWAY WITH WATER. BUT, EVERYTIME I LOOKED BACK IN THE MIRROR THAT FACE WAS STILL THERE AND I BEGIN TO CRY. THROUGH, MY TEARY EYES I LOOKED AT A BLURRED VISION OF MYSELF, I JUST COULD NOT MAKE IT GO AWAY AND I WISHED I WERE DEAD! I FELL TO THE FLOOR I CRIED LIKE NEVER BEFORE AS I LAY ON THE FLOOR CRYING. I COULD HEAR CRYING FROM THE OTHER ROOM I RAISED MY HEAD SLOWLY TO GET UP FROM THE FLOOR. I WALKED BACK INTO THE KITCHEN TO SEE WHO WAS CRYING I SAW MY BROTHERS FACE COVERED IN TEARS. I KNELLED DOWN NEXT TO THEM I HUGGED THEM BOTH I TOLD THEM EVRYTHING WOULD BE OKAY. THEY TOLD ME THEY WERE HUNGRY I PULLED BACK FROM THEM I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

WHAT, I HAD TO DO WAS WOMEN UP OR MAN UP(WHATEVER THE SAYING WAS) I HAD TO FIND THEM SOME FOOD. I KNEW, THEY WERE HUNGRY, BECAUSE WE HAD NOT EATEN ANYTHING FOR TWO DAYS. I LOOKED EVERYWHERE THAT I COULD TO FIND SOME FOOD FOR US TO EAT. THROUGH, ALL MY EFFORT I FOUND NOTHING I THEN LOOKED DOWN AT THE FLOOR; AS I WALKED BACK TO THEM. THERE WAS NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE ANYWHERE! I MEAN NOTHING! I COULD NOT LOOK THEM IN THEIR EYES AND TELL THEM THEY COULD NOT EAT. THE AGONY AND DEFEAT COVERED MY ENTIRE FACE. I SLIDE MY LITTLE NARROW BODY DOWN BY THE SIDE OF THE BARE CABINET. I TRIED TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT WE HAD NO FOOD. THROUGH, THE CORNER OF MY EYE I SAW A PAPER BAG INSIDE THE CABINET. I PULLED IT OUT AS FAST AS I COULD I HOPED SOMETHING WAS INSIDE OF IT THAT WAS EDIBLE. Yeah! A BAG OF BEANS AND SOME CRACKERS WERE INSIDE THE BAG. I RUSHED OVER TO MY BROTHERS SMILING I TOLD THEM I FOUND SOME FOOD AND I WOULD COOK THEM SOMETHING TO EAT. THE HARD PART WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO COOK BEANS.

I GRABBED A LARGE POT I STOOD ON A CHAIR FILLING THE POT WITH WATER I POURED THE BEANS INSIDE. I WENT