LIFE BROKEN: JOURNEY OF AN OVERCOMER

By Cassandra McClinton

A real life story that happened to a young woman that helped to shape her life for the rest of her life. Love, drama, sexual misappropriations from a little girl barely four and a half years old until the age of adulthood. The tragedy that would happen to her was meant to kill her but she did not die, she made it. She is the individual that has been given the opportunity to write a series of books that reflects the real life drama of what was her life. Pray that someone is healed, helped, set free, delivered and comes back from the hardships of their lives just by reading about the things that happened to me. God Bless.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tablo Publishing
• Release date: May 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9781922439055

Cassandra McClinton

I'm a soon to be 48 year old multi-talented individual that loves to write. I write about the things that have been real in my life. I also sing and write songs. I have 4 adult children and the mother of many more with 6 grandchildren that cannot wait until my books hit the shelves and digital platforms throughout the world. It is my time and I am happy to work my way into what I know God has for me.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

A CONFUSING CHILDHOOD

BEING BORN A FEMALE CHILD TO A POOR MOTHER AND UNCONCERNED FATHER WAS A DEATH SENTENCE FOR MANY MANY AFRICAN AMERICAN BORN CHILDREN. BORN IN THE SOUTH DURING A TIME WHEN BLACK FOLK WERE STILL FIGHTING FOR THE EQUALLITY OF THE MINORITY, THIS WAS NOT JUST A BLACK FIGHT BUT FOR ALL MINORITY RACES. IN THE MINDS OF MANY OF THE WHITES, WE WERE CONSIDERED THE UNEQUAL COUNTER PART!

I REMEMBER BEING AROUND FOUR OR FIVE YEARS OLD BEING WITH MY MOTHER IN A LITTLE DOWNTOWN AREA OF PINE BLUFF, ARKANSAS FOUR OR FIVE YEARS AFTER THE ASSASINATION OF ONE OF OUR STRONGEST CIVIL RIGHTS LEADERS, DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. BEING FACED WITH A THING THAT A CHILD MY AGE SHOULD NOT HAVE EVEN CARED ABOUT, BUT BECAUSE I WAS WISE WELL BEYOND MY AGE I RECOGNIZED THAT THERE WAS WHITES ONLY WRITTEN ABOVE ONE WATER BUBBLER AND BLACKS WRITTEN ABOVE THE NOT SO APPEALING TO MY EYES ABOVE THAT OTHER WATER FOUNTAIN. YES, I LEARNED TO READ EARLY. I REMEMBER ASKING MY MOTHER WHY WAS THERE TWO DIFFERENT LOOKING WATER FOUNTAINS AND BEFORE SHE COULD EXPLAIN IT TO ME I RAN TO AND DRANK FROM THE WHITES ONLY FOUNTAIN. I KNEW AT AN EARLY AGE THAT I WANTED BETTER FOR MYSELF THAN WHAT WAS BEING PRESENTED TO ME. MY MOTHER QUICKLY SNATCHED AT ME BUT I DIDNT LET GO UNTIL MY THIRST WAS QUINCHED BY THE ICE COLD WATER FROM THAT FOUNTAIN MARKED WHITES ONLY. IT MAKES ME LAUGH WHEN I LOOK BACK. I LAUGH BECAUSE EVEN THEN I WAS A STUBBORN GET WHAT OR WHERE I WANTED ON THE IMPULSE THAT I HAD TO DO IT, HAVE IT, BE IT, SAY IT WHEN I WANTED. AND BOY LATER IN LIFE THAT MAY HAVE POSED A BIG PROBLEM OR TWO! LOLBVS!

NO MATTER HOW SMART AND DRIVEN AS A CHILD, THOSE THINGS DID NOT STOP ME FROM BEING ABUSED SEXUALLY AND MISTREATED BY THOSE SAME ABUSERS. MY ABUSERS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTING ME BUT CHOSE TO MOLEST ME FROM THE AGE OF FOUR TO TWELVE YESRS OF AGE. UNCLES ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP THEIR SISTERS RAISE AND PROTECT THEIR CHILDREN NOT TO WELCOME THEMSELVES INTO THE HABIT OF PLAYING IN THEIR NIECE’S PANTIES!

BEING TOLD REPEATEDLY, IF YOU TELL IM GOING TO DENY IT, HURT

YOU, KILL YOU, SHE IS NOT GONE BELIEVE YOU, MADE ME AFRAID TO TELL. I AND MY SISTER AND BROTHER WERE LEFT WITH MY ABUSERS ON A REGULAR BASIS BECAUSE MY MOTHER HAD TO WORK IN ORDER TO PROVIDE FOR US. AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE TOLD HER THAT WE DIDNT WANT TO GO TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE, SHE DIDNT CATCH ON TO WHAT WAS BEING DONE TO US! I WAS ALWAYS STRESSED ABOUT THE ACTIVITIES THAT WERE TAKING PLACE BECAUSE I COULDNT AVOID ANYTHING THAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME. WHETHER AT THEIR HOUSE OR AT MY OWN, I WAS STILL BEING TOUCHED, RUBBED, MASSAGED, LICKED, GRINDED ON IN MY SLEEP OR AWAKE! THESE TWO DID NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE DOING TO ME. I WAS BEING MADE TO FEEL VIOLATED, STRANGE, FUNNY, GOOD, NASTY, AFRAID, AND CONFUSED ALL AT THE SAME TIME. KEEPING SECRETS HAD BECOME A SKILL MASTERED AT AN EARLY AGE.

BOTH YOUNGER UNCLES WERE NOT SHARING WITH EACH OTHER THE FACT THAT THEY WERE PLAYING IN THEIR ELDEST NIECE’S PRIVATE PARTS. SO ON ANY GIVEN VISIT TO BABY SIT I WAS BEING MOLESTED BY TWO DIFFERENT RELATIVES AT THE SAME STAY. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT? I STARTED TO EXPECT AND ENJOY THE MULTIPLE ORGASMS. SINCE THIS WAS THE ONLY INTERACTION THAT ACTUALLY FELT GOOD COMING FROM THEM BOTH, I LOOKED FOR IT TO HAPPEN EVERYTIME EITHER ONE WAS AROUND ME WITHOUT MY MOTHER PRESENT. HELL, I HAD MY FIRST SELF INFLICTED ORGASM AT FIVE YEARS OLD. I CONTINUED THIS BEHAVIOR WHEN I FELT LIKE IT AND I FELT THAT I WASNT BEING WATCHED OR GOING TO GET CAUGHT AND THIS BEHAVIOR CONTINUED SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. AND THIS WAS ON TOP OF THE OTHER MANIPULATION FROM MY SEXUAL PREDITORS.

I REMEMBER ALWAYS WAKING UP OUT OF MY SLEEP FEELING SLIPPERY WET AND FEELING THROBBING AND PULSATIONS IN MY HARD MUSCLE BETWEEN MY SWOLLEN LIPS AND DEEP INSIDE MYSELF. IT FELT SO GOOD LIKE PAINS THAT ANYONE WOULD WELCOME SIMPLY BECAUSE THE PAINS FELT TOO GOOD TO JUST BE PAINS THAT ONLY HURT. SO SINCE IT FELT SO GOOD, IT COULDNT BE WRONG--BUT WHY ME? AND AS YOUNG AS I WAS, I STILL REMEMBER SO MUCH AND THIS LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT IT WAS NOT JUST ME THAT WENT THROUGH THIS MESS.

I CAN RECALL MY SISTER BEING ALMOST TWO YEARS OLD AND I WAS LAYING ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE FULL SIZED BED WITH HER FOR A NAP. MY YOUNGEST UNCLE WAS LAYING ON HER LEFT SIDE FACING MY SISTER AND ME AND ALL OF A SUDDEN MY MOTHER SNATCHING HIS ASS UP AND THREATENING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM IF SHE EVER CAUGHT HIM PLAYING IN MY SISTER'S PAMPER AGAIN. THAT WAS MY FIRST MEMORY OF EVER HEARING THAT PHRASE, PLAYING IN PRIVATE PARTS! BUT IM WONDERING WHY WOULD SHE THEN ALLOW THAT LITTLE BASTARD ANY OTHER OPPORTUNITY TO DO THAT SAME THING AGAIN TO ANY OF HER CHILDREN? I AM SO CONFUSED ABOUT THIS. I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THAT! YES I AM ANGERED BY THIS. HOWEVER, MY MOTHER WAS NOT THE ONLY PERSON OR PARENT THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME. MY DAD JUST CHECKED ALL THE WAY OUT.

SPEAKING OF MY DAD, WHERE WAS HE? OFF DOING HIM. BECAUSE OF HIS SELFISH CHARACTER AND NATURE, I WAS OUT OF SIGHT AND MIND! BUT SOME OTHER WOMAN'S KIDS GOT TO ENJOY HIS PRESENCE. ALL THOSE THINGS GOING ON WITH ME BUT HE FOUND SOLICE IN THE BOTTOM OF BEER CANS, SO HE DRANK PLENTY, AND WAS BUSY TRYING TO FORGET THAT HE HAD A CHILD THAT NEEDED HIS ASS. MY PROTECTOR WAS AN ABSCENT DRUNK. HOWEVER WAS AN AFRICAN AMERICAN FEMALE CHILD SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS? I WAS LITERALLY ALONE ON THAT BOAT! VULNERABLE PREY FOR MALE RELATIVES, MY MOTHER’S BOYFRIENDS, MALE FAMILY FRIENDS TO DO WITH WHATEVER THEY CHOSE TO FULFILL THEIR FUCKED UP WAY OF THINKING CONCERNING THE BOUNDARILESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A FEMALE CHILD THAT JUST HAPPENED TO BE CLOSELY RELATED TO THEIR PUNK ASSES. I AM SO ANGERED BY THIS EVERYTIME I THINK ABOUT IT AS AN ADULT THAT KNOWS FOR SURE THAT IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. BUT THAT IS AFTER MANY YEARS OF PSYCHO THERAPY, PSYCHOTROPIC DRUGS AND PRAYER, PRAISE, FAITH, AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.

THIS ANGERS ME SO MUCH BECAUSE I CANNOT UNDERSTAND THE FASCINATION OF ANY GROWN ASS MAN HAVING A BABY UNDER HIM IN A SEXUAL MANNER WHEN THEY SHOULD BE LOOKING AFTER AND PROTECTING. BUT INSTEAD THEY USED ME TO PLAY OUT OR FULFILL A SEXUAL NEED. INSTEAD THEY LOOKED AT THE CHILD AS A NEED TO USE AS STIMULATION FOR GETTING OFF. AND FORCING THIS SECRET TO BE PROTECTED AFTER OR DURING EACH COUNT OF MOLESTATION FOR OVER EIGHT YEARS AND OPENED MY BODY UP TO THE NEED FOR SEXUAL STIMULATION. SOMETHING I COULD HAVE WAITED TO FEEL FOR THE FIRST TIME BY MY FIRST REAL BOYFRIEND AS A TEENAGER OR EVEN BETTER, MY HUSBAND ON MY WEDDING NIGHT.

I WAS BEING FUNDLED, MESAGED CLITORALLY, FINGERED INSIDE ME, ORALLY LICKED AND SUCKED AND TIP OF TONGUES SLID IN AND OUT OF ME UNTIL I WOULD THROB AND PULSATE SOMETIMES SO VIOLENTLY BECAUSE IT HURT SO GOOD. CRAVING IT MORE AND MORE MADE ME ALWAYS PLAY WITH MYSELF. I FELT GUILTY BECAUSE THEY MADE ME FEEL GOOD. THIS WENT ON FOR YEARS WITH MY TWO RELATIVES.

THE OLDER AND MORE FILLED OUT MY BODY BECAME, THE MORE THINGS I WAS INTRODUCED TO. ONE DAY, MY MOM DROPPED US UP THE STREET AS USUAL AT MY GRANNY'S HOUSE. USUALLY BEFORE 5 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. MY MOM WAS GOING TO PICK COTTON SO SHE COULD MAKE SOME MONEY FOR BILLS. AFTERALL, SHE WAS FORCED TO TAKE CARE OF US BY HERSELF. WE GOT IN THE HOUSE AND WAS TOLD TO GO LAY DOWN AND GO BACK TO SLEEP. THE BEDROOM WAS NOT THAT HUGE AND HAD TRUNKS WITH CLOTHING AND BOXES WITH CLOTHING, SHOES AND OTHER ITEMS IN THEM AND WERE ALL PACKED, STACKED UP AND RUNNING ALONG THE WALLS THAT WERE NOT BLOCKED WITH BEDS.

THE ROOM WAS ALWAYS DARK AND FUNKY. IT WREAKED OF FUNKY FEET AND UNWASHED CLOTHING AND BEDDING. THERE WAS A QUEEN SIZED BED FACING THE SOUTH END OF THE HOUSE WHERE A FULL SIZED WINDOW WAS JUST ABOVE IT. MY AUNT SLEPT THERE. AT THE NORTH END OF THE ROOM WERE A SET OF HEAVY DUTY BUNK BEDS STACKED AGAINST THE WALL FROM EAST TO WEST. A FEW FEET ALONG THE EAST WALL WAS ANOTHER WINDOW CLOTHED WITH DARK CURTAINS. THE FLOOR HAD SOME OLD DUSTY AND DIRTY RUGS ON IT. THE MUSTY ODOR TOOK THE ROOM HOSTAGE. NO LUCK OF FRESH AIR BECAUSE IT STOPPED BEFORE EVEN ENTERING THE ROOM. AND EVERY MORNING WE WOULD HAVE TO LAY DOWN WITH OUR PREDITORS AS WILLING PREY FOR THE KILL. ALL WOULD JUST SEEM TO LIE STILL, TOO AFRAID TO MOVE BECAUSE OF THE FEAR OF BEING USED AS SEX TOYS. WHAT A CONVENIENCE FOR MY OFFENDERS. I WAS MADE TO LAY IN BED WITH THE YOUNGER ONE WHO IS ALL OF ABOUT FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN ME. TOLD TO LAY DOWN GO BACK TO SLEEP AND TO SHUT UP WHILE DOING IT BY MY AUNT MY MOMS YOUNGEST SISTER.

THIS PARTICULAR MORNING MY OFFENDER PREYED ON ME IN A VERY DIFFERENT AND DANGEROUS MANNER. HE PROCEEDED TO PULL ME CLOSER UNDER HIM AND THAT FUNKY ASS COVER. IT WAS HOT THAT DAY SO WE DIDNT NEED COVER. MOMA DRESSED ME IN A CUTE LITTLE DRESS AND SANDLES. PERFECT FOR THE WEATHER. BUT TOO EASY OF ACCESS FOR WHAT I WAS EXPOSED TO.

AFTER PULLING ME IN TO HIM HE STARTED PUSHING HIMSELF ONTO ME, MASHING HIMSELF AND THEN ROLLING HIS BOTTOM HALF ON MY BUTT. I WAS FILLING IN FAST SO MY BUTT WAS A NICE SIZE, MY BREAST WERE IN A BRA AND VERY TENDER BUT VERY PLUMP. MY HIPS HAD ALREADY FORMED BEAUTIFULLY AND I WAS STARTING TO FEEL MYSELF. MY URGES WERE STRONGER THAN EVER BUT I KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE BECAUSE HIS USUAL ACTIVITY HAD CHANGED.

AS HE WAS GRINDING INTO MY BUTT, I COULD FEEL HIS THING GETTING BIGGER AND HARDER. CAUGHT UP, HE KEPT RUBBING HIMSELF AGAINST ME THROUGH HIS CLOTHES WITH MY DRESS UP AROUND MY WASTE. HE SLOWLY STARTED TO UNDO HIS PANTS AND LET HIS PENIS HIT MY BACKSIDE. EVERYTIME HE THOUGHT HE HEARD SOMETHING HE WOULD STOP MOVING AND PULL MY DRESS DOWN. WHEN HE HEARD THE WAY WAS CLEAR HE WOULD START AGAIN. HIS BREATHING WAS SO MUCH DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE. IT WAS DEEPER AND HEAVIER AND HE WAS MUCH MORE GRABBIER AND MASSAGING MY BREAST AND FEELING DOWN FRONT, RUBBING MY CLIT UNTIL IT WAS SO HARD AND BIG AND MY TWAT WAS SOAKING WITH SLIPPERY WET JUICES FROM INSIDE ME. I TRIED NOT TO WANT IT, BUT THAT WAS WHAT I KNEW THAT FELT REAL GOOD. I STARTED GRINDING BACK REAL SLOW SO HE WOULDNT KNOW OR FEEL ME MOVING. I DO NOT THINK THAT HE WAS EVEN AWARE OF WHAT I WAS DOING BECAUSE HE WAS SO CAUGHT UP IN WHAT HE WAS FEELING AS HE PROCEEDED TO TRY DICKING ME. HIS PENIS STARTED COMING FROM THE BACK OF ME THEN PUSHED SLOWLY TO MY FRONT, HITTING REAL SLOW AND SOFT MY SWOLLEN LIPS AND SLIDING FROM BOTTOM TO TOP OF MY CLITORIS. I WAS SCARED BUT KEPT MOVING TOWARD HIMSELF BUT HE GOT BIGGER AND HARDER AND HE STARTED SLIPPING THE HEAD OF HIS PENIS AT MY VAGINAL OPENING AND AT THE SAME TIME I SQUEZ MY THIGHS AND OPENING BACK ON HIM AND AFTER A SHORT WHILE, I FELT MYSELF PULSATING ON THE TIP OF HIS PENIS. INSIDE I WAS DEEPLY PULSATING AND BREATHING AND THROBBING FOR A WHILE AS I JERKED HARD. I MUST OF ORGASMED THREE OR FOUR TIMES BEFORE HE WAS DONE HELPING TO TAKE MY INNOCENCE WHICH WAS GONE WHEN HE FIRST TOUCHED ME SO MANY YEARS BEFORE. THEN HE LEFT ME WET FROM THE STUFF THAT SHOT OUT ONTO ME BETWEEN MY LEGS HITTING MY ENTIRE PRIVATE AREA AND THEN HE DID IT ALL OVER AGAIN BEFORE CLEANING ME UP AND THEN GOING TO SLEEP!

HELL I GOT SCARED SILLY BECAUSE I LEARNED ABOUT PENISES, SPERM, AND BABIES IN SCHOOL AND VOWED THAT I WOULD TELL SOMEBODY WHAT THEY HAD BEEN DOING TO ME FOR ALL THOSE YEARS WHEN MY MOTHER WAS TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING. I TOLD MY YOUNGER SISTER BECAUSE WE ALWAYS TALKED AND I FELT THAT I COULD FINALLY TELL HER WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH ME. AND EVEN THOUGH I SPENT A LOT OF TIME TRYING TO BLOCK THEM FROM TOUCHING HER, MY EFFORTS WERE NOT THAT AFFECTIVE. I WAS ONLY A KID MYSELF AND I COULD NOT SAVE MYSELF SO HOW COULD I RIGHTLY SAVE HER? DURING OUR CONVERSATION AND POURING OUT OF SECRETS I FOUND THAT I WAS NOT THE ONLY VICTIM. AND TOGETHER WE DECIDED TO TELL OUR MOTHER TOGETHER WHAT HAD BEEN GOING ON FOR SO MANY YEARS.

THE THINGS THAT THESE PEOPLE DID TO ME CREATED SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE INSIDE ME THAT I COULD TALK TO, THAT SPOKE FOR ME, FAUGHT FOR ME AND PROTECTED ME! KEPT ME FROM, IN MY MIND, BEING A VICTIM. BUT WHEN I TURNED 14 I CALLED THE SHOTS AND AFTER BECOMING SEXUALLY ACTIVE, WHERE I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING AND I DECIDED WHO I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH. BUT BY THEN MY MIND WAS REALLY MESSED UP!

CHAPTER 2

MISGUIDED AFFAIRS

A BRIGHT CHILD KEEPING SO MANY DEEP DARK SECRETS HAD A WAY OF MESSING A CHILD’S MIND UP AND THAT I WAS, MESSED UP. SO MESSED UP UNTIL I WENT INTO MY EARLY ADOLESENT YEARS HAVING URGES THAT ANY AVERAGE WOMAN ONLY WISHED THAT SHE COULD HAVE AS TO PLEASE HER HUSBAND OR HER MAN THE WAY HE WOULD LIKE HER TO KNOWING THAT HIS LIBIDO WAS SO MUCH HIGHER THAN HERS. I PLEASURED MYSELF AND BEDDED OVER 15 SEXUAL PARTNERS ALL OVER THE AGES OF EIGHTEEN, WELL INTO THEIR EARLY THIRTIES. MY MOTHER HAD NO IDEA. THE ONLY THING SHE KNEW ABOUT WAS THE MAN ACROSS THE STREET THAT HIRED ME AND MY SISTER TO CLEAN UP FOR HIM WHILE HE WAS AT WORK. AND AS I LOOK BACK THE ONLY REASON THAT I CHOSE TO TELL HER THEN WAS BECAUSE OF MY LITTLE SISTER.

THIS ONE PARTICULAR DAY HE DIDNT GO TO WORK BUT HE HAD HIDDEN HIMSELF INSIDE HIS HOUSE TO GIVE THE APPEARANCE THAT HE WAS AT WORK. I SOON SAW WITH MY OWN EYES HIS NAKED BODY WRAPPED AROUND HIS WAIST WITH A TOWEL, UNFOLD HIS ERECT PENIS TO ME ASKING ME TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. I LOOKED UP TO HIM AS A FATHER FIGURE AND HE LET ME DOWN HORRIBLY. I RAN AND TOLD MY MOTHER AND SHE CURSED HIM OUT, THREATENED HIM WITH THE POLICE AND ENDED THEIR FRIENDSHIP. WE STOPPED GOING TO HIS HOUSE!

AFTER BEING TOLD FOR YEARS THAT YOU’RE MOTHER WON’T BELIEVE YOUR STORIES OF MOLESTATION AND INCEST BUT FINDING OUT OTHERWISE, WAS A LIBERATING FEELING! BUT THE POWER THAT I FOUND THAT I HAD TO CHOOSE WHO I WANTED TO PLAY WITH WAS DANGEROUS TO AND FOR ME, HOWEVER, THE POWER WAS NOW MINE AND NOONE ELSE’S TO DECIDE.

ONE MIGHT ASK WHY WAS IT DANGEROUS AND I WILL TELL YOU THAT IT WAS DANGEROUS, SO DANGEROUS BECAUSE I DIDNT USE ANY PROTECTION AND SOMETIMES THERE WOULD BE MULTIPLE PARTNERS IN A DAY'S TIME! AND NOONE KNEW ABOUT THE OTHER. A HOT DISTURBING MESS BY AN ALWAYS JUICED AND SWOLLEN HIGHLY SEXED LIVING WITH BUT NOT UNDERSTANDING HER HIGH ASS LIBIDO OR HOW TO HANDLE IT. MAYBE IF I HAD NOT HAVE HAD TO KEEP SUCH SECRETS AT SO YOUNG AN AGE FOR FEAR OF ALL OF THE ABOVE AND THE FACT THAT MOMA NEVER LISTENED TO ME WHEN SHE NEEDED TO, MAYBE I WOULD HAVE TRIED TALKING TO HER OR ASKING THE QUESTIONS THAT EVERY YOUNG LADY SHOULD HAVE THE FREEDOM AND COMFORTS OF ASKING THEIR MOTHERS AT THAT AGE. AFTER ALL, I WAS JUST ENTERING MY TEEN YEARS AND HAD A BAD ASS BODY. AND INSTEAD OF BEING MADE TO FEEL THAT I WAS COMMITTING CRIMES BY ALLOWING MY BODY TO FILL OUT, SOMETHING I COULD NOT AND HAD NO CONTROL OVER, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO TALK TO HER. BUT FOR REASONS THAT I NEVER KNEW, I COULD NOT. THE ONLY THING MOMA TOLD ME CONCERNING SEX WAS NOT TO HAVE IT OR SHE WOULD BEAT MY ASS IF SHE CAUGHT ME. BUT SHE DIDNT KNOW BECAUSE OF MY EARLY CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES WITH SEXUAL ABUSE AND BEING EXPOSED AND INTRODUCED TO A DEEP DARK WORLD OF SECRETS THAT I HAD BECOME A MASTER OF DISGUIZES AND MASKED MY SINS VERY WELL. DONT REALLY KNOW IF I SHOULD CALL THEM SINS BECAUSE FROM THE INNOCENT AGE OF FOUR, THIS IS AND WAS HOW I WAS MADE TO LIVE! HELL I WAS A CLEAR CUT CASE OF BEING A VICTIM OF MY ENVIRONMENT. BEING ABLE TO TAKE CONTROL OF ME AND WHO I ALLOWED, INVITED, OR AGREED TO LET TOUCH ME WAS NOW MY POWER! I USED THAT POWER TO GET THE THINGS THAT A YOUNG GIRL WANTED! MONEY AND ATTENTION WAS MY DRUG OF CHOICE.

AS IF MY CHILDHOOD WAS NOT ENOUGH TO MESS ME UP, NOW MY PRETEENS BECAME SO STRESSFUL AND HAVING NOONE TO REALLY TALK TO MADE ME START LIVING INTERNALLY, NEVER REALLY LETTING ANYONE COMPLETELY IN. HELL MY NOT SO DISTANT PAST EXPERIENCES WITH ABUSES OF MANY KINDS ON HEAVY LEVELS HELPED THAT BRICK WALL THICKEN. SHIT I COULD NOT TRUST PEOPLE THAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO TRUST WITH MY LIFE! BECAUSE THOSE MEN FUCKED OVER ME WHEN THEY WEREN’T TRYING TO FUCK ME. HELL IT WAS EASIER FOR THE DISTANCE BETWEEN ME AND NEW PEOPLE. THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING REAL FRIENDS WITHOUTH HAVING TO HIDE THE REAL ME AND WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH WAS HORRIBLY SQUED! OR IN SIMPLE AND REALLY EASY TO UNDERSTAND TERMS, I WAS SCREWED