Where Do We Go from Here?: Spotting, Preventing and Overcoming Toxic Relationships.

By Victoria Adams

Throughout my life, I saw many happy couples who were together and I was puzzled as to why I too couldn't have that. I was always involved in relationships that lasted a few years but then became dysfunctional. I knew I had to find the pattern behind these tumultuous relationships because if I didn't, I would never find the happiness I desired.

As a result, I began to write my life story which became a personally therapeutic journey. Not only did I heal my inner self, I achieved greater self-esteem and the strength to say "no" to relationships I had always said "yes" to in the past. My world turned around for me and today I lead a plentiful, blessed life with many loving people that fill my heart with peace and tranquility.

The purpose of this book is to help the reader avoid unhealthy, toxic relationships and hopefully lead them toward positive, healthy ones. Are my choices leading to reciprocated love? For me, I can now say yes!

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Sep 2, 2019
• ISBN: 9781543971231

Victoria Adams

Victoria Adams is an accountant and an author exploring the humanities and natural sciences with a special love for things faith-related and the practical applications of “love thy neighbor.” She is the author of Who I Am Yesterday, A Path to Coping With a Loved One’s Dementia (2017). Redefining Job and the Conundrum of Suffering from VICTORIA ADAMS on Vimeo.

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Copyright @ 2019 by Victoria Adams

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in the United States of America

First printing, 2019

Print ISBN 978-1-54397-122-4

eBook ISBN 978-1-54397-123-1

DISCLAIMER

The stories in this book reflect the author’s recollection of events. Some names, locations and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of those depicted. Dialogue has been recreated from memory.

FOREWORD

Where Do We Go from Here? will educate and enlighten you as you read and learn about this transformation from toxicity to freedom. Victoria is candid, honest and funny about her journey from toxicity to freedom. Victoria’s growth is evident for anyone who knows her history. Her growth, motivation and now freedom is a true example of who she is as a woman. She is committed to paying it forward and has a clear social responsibility to helping others.

So often, women are moving through life taking on more, walking through challenges and surviving. Women sometimes do not give themselves enough credit. Women have shown themselves to be strong and resilient and have continued to survive despite insurmountable odds. We make mistakes and are the last person to ask ourselves for forgiveness. Life has a way of teaching us lessons and sometimes the same lesson until we actually get it. More and more as we begin to take control of our lives and our individual healing and emotional well-being, we are able to take a step toward freedom. This is part of the journey of Victoria from toxicity to freedom!

Tracy Lawson McKeithen, M.A.

Executive Director

Family Promise Chicago North Shore

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

When I first wanted to write this book, I didn’t think it would be possible. There are tens of thousands of books out in the world and I thought it would be too difficult. I turned to Mair Hill, a friend who has written her own book, and asked for her help. Although she was too busy to get involved with my book at the time, she connected me with a friend of hers, Jeanette McCauley.

We connected via conference call and she had the utmost faith in what I wanted to accomplish. A big thank you goes out to you, Jeanette, for having faith in this book and in me. Celebration is in order!

Second, I would like to thank Tracy McKeithen and Family Promise for understanding the difficult circumstances so many people face, always lending a helping hand and guiding them to a better life. You have been an inspiration not only to me but to many others.

Third, thank you to Patrick Aylward and everyone at BookBaby involved with helping coordinate the publication of this book. I couldn’t have done it without you!

Next, thank you to all my friends that have supported me in writing this book and never said a negative word nor attempted to lure me away from my goal.

Finally, and most importantly, I want to thank God for the path he led me on. It was all a learning experience to find the right path. Without God’s help, this book would never have been in existence. I hope this book will help others find the shortcut to the right path in their lives.

Contents

INTRODUCTION

MEET THE PARENTS

DESPERATION BUNGALOW

GIVE ME A BREAK

THE SILVER PITCHER

MISS MESSY

THE PIANO LESSON

EXPLORING TALENT

JULIA CHILDS

STITCH IN TIME

ILLUSION

LAUGH IT OFF!

HAPPY HOUR

DINNER TIME

TRIPPS

NEVER A DULL MOMENT

THE BIG BOOM

THE LAST RESORT

THE MONEY PIT

WINTER WONDERLUCK

WHERE’S GEORGE?

MORNING HAS BROKEN

THE MOST COMFORTABLE APARTMENT

UNEXPECTED VISITOR

AN EASTER STORY

KEEP IT QUIET

THE UNCLE

THE CAMPER

DISRESPECTING GUEST

FOR THE TIME BEING

MOVING ON UP

SETBACK

SPECIAL AGENT MAN

SHOCKING SURPRISE

LOOKING BACK

LIFE ON THE SEA

A CAREER

THE STEAMSHIP

THE ADJUSTMENT

THE TSS

BUFFET

HIGH SEAS

BACK ON BOARD

MS NOORDAM

BACK ON BOARD

END OF A WORK SHIFT

THE RENEWAL

MS NIEUW AMSTERDAM

OUR TRAVELS AND ADVENTURES

THE SHOW MUST GO ON

PLAYLAND

REGENT SUN

THE STANDING OVATION

THE NEW GUY ON BOARD

SHIP TO SHORE

OLIVIA

MERELY MEMORIES

AS THE SHIP SAILS

TYING THE KNOT

THE FUN SHIP

FUN AND GAMES

GROUNDED

SAILING AWAY

BEHIND THE SCENES

ONWARD

REGROUP AND TRANSFORM

PRECIOUS DOG

FINDING MY NICHE

A DISTANT RELATIONSHIP

WHAT THE HELL?

ANOTHER DIRECTION

SUSPICIOUS MINDS

GOING TO THE CHAPEL

WHERE’S THE DOUGH?

THE PASSING

WHAAAT MISTRESS?

SWINDLED

DEVIL IN DISGUISE

STAR CONSEQUENCES

WHO ATE THE CHEESE!

PROTECTION AND PANIC

JEKYLL AND HYDE

MOVING FORWARD

DAD NO MORE

DISTRESS CALL

DEMOLITION DOORS

RANSACKED

THE PLANNED ESCAPE

BLACKMAILED

THE DREAM

IN THE MEANTIME

THE PUSH FOR A TRIAL

THE TRIAL

TRANSITION

THE LUXURIOUS TRIP

SKYPEMANIA

PANIC ATTACK

ADAPTING TO HOMELESSNESS

THE LAST STRAW

MOVING OUT

ROLLING WITH THE DEVIL

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH

FINDING PEACE

FOR VICTIMS AND SURVIVORS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Things to Know About Batterers

STAYING GROUNDED

CONNECTIONS

HOME TBRA

BULLIES REBUKED

INTERPRETATIONS

SAVED

LORD, HEAR MY PRAYER

HOLIDAYS AGAIN

FEAR AND CIRCUMSTANCE

OVERCOMING OBSTACLES

CONFRONTING FEAR

DO IT YOURSELF FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIMS

THE WAITING GAME

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF A THYROID DISORDER

THE CHALLENGE

NEW CASE

DESTROYED SOUL

NEW BEGINNINGS

FEELING GOOD AGAIN

MIXED SIGNALS

BETRAYED

REPAIRED SOUL

LOVE-AND-HATE WAR

UNDERSTANDING MYSELF

FORGIVENESS

DESERVE

PRIDE

A HAPPY LIFE

GLOSSARY

REFERENCES

About the Author

In Her Own Words

INTRODUCTION

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

The patterns in our lives will sometimes lead us into difficult decisions and consequences, costing repeated failure.

We all want to find the right direction in our lives. When obstacles deter us from the right path, it becomes challenging, especially in family and romantic relationships. Many people become badly affected, making it hard to overcome the scars that have been embedded in us.

How do you manage to overcome the obstacles of a dysfunctional life since childhood? Experience the life that I endured and you will experience the ups and downs and comedic adventures that went full circle.

This is a true story that contains heartbreak, sadness, desperation and inspiration all in one. It also contains healing, motivation and lessons learned. It’s a story of passion, drive and endurance. The situations surrounding me were unstable which led to bad choices and difficult challenges. Yet, through the turmoil and challenges that felt at many times like an uphill battle, I found laughter, resilience and strength.

This book shares the ways I found to overcome the obstacles and to lead others to make the right decisions so they will not suffer the scars like I did.

The patterns I lived led to dysfunction in family and relationships. I dealt with a life of alcoholism, molestation, domestic violence, abandonment and homelessness. Many of the situations I faced were out of my control. I felt like an only child growing up and had to fend for myself time and time again. I was emotionally broken-hearted, distressed and alone. All I ever wanted was to lead a normal life and know what it felt like to love and be loved in a healthy way.

Despite the struggles, I was able to escape them through career passions, especially as I found myself in the entertainment industry.

While I yearned for a normal life, I discovered my passion for the stage. It’s a place where I received recognition, felt a sense of accomplishment, and it was one of the few places where I experienced acceptance.

When I married, I thought my life was finally going to be normal, free from the dysfunctional childhood of my past. Not quite. My married life was every bit dysfunctional as my childhood. The familiarity of a crazed family followed me through three bad marriages—from a gay husband to a sociopath narcissistic husband to an alcoholic and abusive husband.

I was never taught to see the signs or hear the words of warning that would have protected me from horrific toxic relationships. Why? Because my childhood was toxic and I was so familiar with instability that it felt natural to me.

In time, I dealt with the issues and overcame the obstacles, which as I look back, amaze me because no matter how dysfunctional life had been, I was determined to keep going. My goal in life is to love and be loved. That has never changed.

I am the mother of an incredible kid. I have to give myself credit because for everything I have been through, I knew that I did not want my child to ever follow an unfit pattern of dysfunction. I consider myself a good mother and I worked so hard to make sure things went right for my child. Sadly, divorce and poor choices threw a wrench in my livelihood and my son was forced to grow up faster than I planned.

With that said, it now brings me back to my life growing up.

My father was a stockbroker on Wall Street with the New York Stock Exchange. Through the years, he had many different careers. He was loyal and worked hard to support his wife and family.

He was a kind man filled with integrity, who enjoyed a good time and a good stiff drink. He looked and acted like Red Skelton. He had a great sense of humor that would make you laugh. Many times, my father wasn’t trying to be funny but the situations that my father would get himself into would make you laugh so hard your belly would hurt; which would cause my father to laugh right along with you.

On the other hand, my father also had the personality of Archie Bunker. He was old fashioned and set in his ways. Believe it. He had his own chair! He had a temper and became impatient at times, especially when it came to the deficit. In his elder years, he suffered through macular degeneration but somehow he could always see the little numbers on the bottom of the TV screen when it came to the stock market. There was never a dull moment around my father because his imperfections made family life an unforgettable experience.

My mother was a beautiful and very talented woman who graduated from Oberlin University. She was a classical pianist and played like Liberace. She was an exquisite cook and a talented artist in embroidery. She enjoyed socializing with her English friends and even talked with an English accent. She had the demeanor of being prim and proper. Only her poise was to camouflage her bad habits.

She denied her alcoholism for decades, even when it caused havoc and dysfunction. There was never a dull moment around my mother because her imperfections made our family life an unforgettable experience too.

My two older brothers were distant in age spanning from six to twelve years. We shared good and bad times but the age difference left me feeling like an only child growing up since they weren’t around often.

When my siblings married, they both moved out of the state, making it more difficult to have a close-knit family.

When I was thirty-four, my mother fell ill with cancer and later passed on. Seven years after my mother’s death, my father passed away. Through it all, I was still searching for reciprocating love.

You are invited to join me on my journey of self-discovery, inspiration and the search for love. It is my hope that if you have endured anything similar, you will know you aren’t alone. And you are not!

I’m making it on my own now. God helped me through my difficult past. He is still with me, guiding my way forward. He brought some amazing and caring people into my life that helped me along the way.

Writing this book has been my therapy. I hope it can contribute to your growth too. It is with this book that I realized that no matter how bad life is, we all have inner strength and we have God.

CHAPTER ONE

MEET THE PARENTS

Life has never been easy for me. I was born into a dysfunctional and alcoholic family. My two brothers were much older than me so I didn’t see much of them. Being the youngest out of the three of us I felt like an only child growing up.

DESPERATION BUNGALOW

My father worked a stressful job as a stockbroker for the New York Stock Exchange on Wall Street. We lived in a luxury apartment in the Upper East Side of Manhattan. When I was five years old, my father had to leave Wall Street due to the failing economy during the presidential years of Jimmy Carter. We moved to Rye, New York. My