When Love Hurts: Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse

By Lisa Baker

Is it normal for love to hurt? This book explores the damaging effects of when love hurts. Society teaches us that love sometimes hurts, but there is a difference when the person you love is also the person who destroys, belittles, controls and breaks your spirit. I am not an expert, but I do have experience in loving a narcissist and hoping that he would change. The emotional abuse caused tremendous trauma to myself and my children. Trauma changes you as a person and changes the way your brain works while processing emotions and memory. Abuse is damaging children's developing brain and leave deep and invisible emotional scars. I wrote this book in the hope to help others who might have questions or struggles about the person they love and is it normal for love to hurt this much. Is it normal for you to offer and lose pieces of yourself while still having to walk on eggshells. Often times society tells us to work harder and to put in more effort, but if the person you love is a narcissist it will only cause you to lose little pieces of yourself until you wake up one day and you don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. Hope is important to have, but we should not forget to be rational and to keep boundaries. Hopefully this book will serve as a help guide to some, even if it is to remember you are not alone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Feb 14, 2021
• ISBN: 9781716075780

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Copyright @ 2021, Lisa Baker

All rights reserved.

This e-book may be printed for own personal use only.  Parts of this e-book may be quoted on social media, only if you give credit to author & name of this book.

No part of this e-book may be copied in any way to resell or to distribute in any manner.

Published by Lisa Baker

ISBN:    978-1-716-07578-0

CREDITS

Special thanks to:

COVER CREDITS

Photo of woman used in cover page  -  SHIFTGRAPHIX

Cover page design done by Hotbox Art

LYRICS CREDITS

Taylor Swift  -  lyrics from the song ‘Look what you made me do’

Halsey  -  lyrics from the song ‘You should be sad’

QUOTES CREDITS

Jordan Pickell

Emily Levine

Karla Grimes

Tamara Yancosky

Bree Bonchay

Lisa Marie Bobby

Rashida Costa

Adina Mahalli

Alan Robert Neal

Dr Anne Brown

Zari Ballard

Linda Martinez

Maria Consiglio

Dr Ramani Durvasula

-**-

MESSAGE TO MY CHILDREN

You are broken inside, but still so wise beyond your years.

You fought to be tough through the years.

You’ve grown up too soon, you had to deal with too much too early.

I am sorry you didn’t have a normal, happy, carefree childhood.

I wish I could give you the childhood you were supposed to have.

You have my support and unconditional love for ever and always.

Together we will be better again.

I am so proud of you.  I am proud to be your mother.

Mommy loves you so, so much!

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all

-**-

INTRODUCTION

What is love?

Love is a beautiful feeling that makes you feel warm inside.  Love is what connect you to others.  When you meet someone special you fall in love.  When you fall in love, you take a leap of faith, based on their potential to be the perfect partner.  In other words you fall in love with what the other person reveals to you, whether or not their intention is fake or real.  Excitement, infatuation, euphoria, energetic, happiness, connection, attraction and a feeling of ecstasy are just a few of the feelings you experience when you fall in love.  You feel good, excited and happy inside and you start dreaming of a happily ever after.  Your body responds this way to form a bond or connection with the other person.  Over time these extremely happy feelings will fade and you will have a deep, loving connection with your new partner. 

When you fall in love you don’t necessarily think about things that can go wrong in the relationship.  It is human nature to put all hope and faith into your new relationship.  No one goes into a relationship with the idea that it will be unhappy and/or that it will not last too long.  No, everyone is longing for a true loving, happy, everlasting relationship, because you want to share your life with this new partner.  You become one!

When are you blinded by love?

When you fall in love, you can be so overwhelmed by all the good feelings and excitement that you don’t see what is right in front of you.  Often people enter a relationship to get something out of it and not because they fell in love with you.  They may treat you bad from time to time, without you noticing it at all.  There may be some red flags in the new phase of dating a new person that you miss, all because you are too much in love.

Unfortunately, not every relationship is perfect nor is it going to last forever.  This is something you realize when your rose-colored lenses come off.  Not wearing rose-colored lenses anymore simply means that you truly see the other person for who they really are.  This is when you might realize something is a bit off in the relationship.  It doesn’t mean the relationship will end, but it might open eyes and your mind to see what and who the other person is in reality.  Maybe they were wearing a mask to fool you into believing they are so amazing and that they ‘love’ you.  Maybe your rose-colored lenses prevented you from seeing all the red flags.

One-way love?  This is when you start to question your relationship.  Things are not what it use to be.

So, what if your new partner is the reason why you feel worried or unhappy and/or confused all the time?  Is the once charming and loving partner starting to change their behavior?  Is all your dreams of happily ever after shuttered?  What changed?  Why is my partner behaving so differently?  Am I doing something to upset them or have I done something wrong?  Why do I feel so guilty and confused?  Does my partner still love me?  How can I make things better again?  Should I change myself?  Am I going crazy?  I don’t know what is happening!!  Does this sound familiar?

What is selfish love?

A relationship is like a pot where you both put love and everything special inside.  This pot will produce whatever is put inside.  When you add true love it will produce something beautiful, real and long lasting.  When you are the only one putting love in the pot, the pot cannot produce the same magic it does when you both add love.  This will produce conflict, confusion, harm and selfish behavior.  Toxic people, abusive people and narcissists are selfish lovers.  They only take from the pot without adding real love -  this can cause problems in the relationship and/or cause abusive behavior.

Is your relationship abusive, selfish or just straight forward not working out as you hoped for?  There is a difference between an abusive partner and someone who is not compatible with you.  When people are not compatible in a relationship they are often having disagreements, have different values or goals, they may have different ideas on life, etc.  These incompatibilities can cause stress, arguments and chances are greater that you are growing apart from each other.  It is still possible for incompatible couples to compromise on their differences to make the relationship successful.  When you love someone, you will want a happy relationship.  When the love is strong from both sides, chances are that the couple will work hard to make the relationship work. 

What is mutual love?

The success of a happy relationship also depends on how you both feel about each other.  If you both love and adore each other in the same way, then you have mutual love for each other.  This is a key ingredients for a long lasting relationship.

Mutual love and respect are the most important building blocks for a strong foundation that any successful relationship requires.  Without mutual love and respect a relationship cannot be successful and/or happy.  Mutual love and respect are the key ingredients for hope in a relationship.  If there is still hope for a future together, you both will give it your all to make the relationship work.  Hope can bring positive change in a relationship, but only when there is mutual love.  You can be incompatible partners but still love, respect and adore each other and are willing to make compromises.  This is obviously not proof that all incompatible partners can make their relationships work.  Some may fail and some may make the relationship work.  In some cases, couples who have mutual love, but are incompatible, will be better off as good friends.  Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you are perfect for a relationship.  Sometimes, it is better to be just friends. 

Why does love keep hurting me?

If you question your partner’s behavior or wonder whether it is normal, then it probably is not okay.  If a behavior is bothering you, then it is most likely not acceptable or maybe against your own moral standards.  Which is okay, you should not have to lower your moral standards for someone you love  -  they should respect your moral standards because they love you.  You don’t have to be in a relationship with someone whose behavior is not acceptable to you.  Your relationship doesn’t need approval from anyone else but you.  If you feel unhappy, no matter how others feel about your partner, then it is your choice to question it and/or even end the relationship if you have to. 

Emotionally abusive partners (in this case narcissists) may belittle you, call you names, give you orders, withheld affection, give you the silent treatment, make you doubt yourself by using gaslighting, compare you to others to make you feel worthless or small, threaten to leave you or hurt you, control you, hurt you physically or emotionally, blame you for everything, hardly appreciate the things you do, make you feel guilty for their bad behavior, break you down, don’t consider your values/input in a situation, force you to do things, don’t respect you, don’t love you and feel no remorse for their wrongdoings, show no empathy, do as they please and expect you to be better, project on others, etc.

Do you love a narcissist?

You will never know what narcissistic abuse feels like, until it happens to you.  That’s why it is so difficult to explain to someone what narcissistic abuse really feels like, because it is more than just hurtful words.  It is walking on eggshells all the time, living in an unhealthy mental fear all the time, waiting for something to upset them, constant drama and falseness in front of other people.  People will judge or think you are over-reacting or you hate your partner a lot.  People don’t understand the pain and damage narcissistic abuse can cause.  No matter how you explain to people, they will never understand the true meaning of living with narcissistic abuse.  Till it happens to you, you won’t know how it feels.  But if you live with a narcissist and you read about narcissism you will recognize it instantly and things will start to make sense.

If you are being emotionally abused by your partner you may have experienced feelings of feeling unloved, confusion, feeling small, not good enough, shame, guilt, hopeless, neglected, alone and isolated, worthless, fearful, anxious and/or depressed and your memory is playing tricks on you or feeling foggy, you may feel emotionally exhausted.

Narcissists can’t love...

Once again mutual love is very important to make a relationship happy.  Narcissists can only love themselves, they don’t love their partners!  They need a partner/victim to feel good about themselves.  The problem of loving a narcissist is that they need a partner, therefore they pretend to love others.  They abuse their partner because they need to feel better about themselves.  The only person who is trying and working on this relationship, is the victim themselves.  Narcissists give their partners hope when they are acting nice and/or after an abusive episode. 

Abuse will never be LOVE!  Your hope will be shuttered when the abusive cycle continues for years and you step back to take a look at your relationship.  You then realize nothing ever changed except for your mental health that has deteriorated.  You will never change a narcissist’s abusive behavior.  The narcissist may change for a short period of time, depending on what the narcissist needs.  This temporary change or ‘acting nice’ phase is short-lived and it creates hope in the victim’s mind.  The victim keeps hoping that the abusive behavior will change.  The victim hopes for the possibility that the abuser will ‘love’ them again.  Hope that if the victim change their behavior and show the abuser more appreciation that the abuse will disappear.  The ‘nice’ side of the abuser will not last forever.  Sooner or later the bad behavior starts again and the emotional abuse cycle starts all over again.  You can be trapped in this abusive cycle for years,  if you don’t take the necessary steps. 

But the relationship is not abusive all the time…

Abusive relationships are not abusive all the time.  Abuse happens in cycles:  the happy and normal phase, the build-up and stressed phase, the acting out or abusive phase and the réconciliation phase.  That’s why the victim is often times in a state of confusion and keeps holding onto the hope that things will get better.  Abusive relationships are complicated, something you will only fully understand once you have experienced it.

How do you get over that overwhelming feeling that you've been used, lied to, and emotionally abused by someone you loved so much?

And how do you even know that you are/were in a narcissistic relationship in the first place?

This book explains emotional abuse, narcissistic / toxic partners and the cycle of abuse in depth.  The main focus of this book is to bring awareness to emotional, toxic and narcissistic abuse in a relationship.  Narcissistic abuse is real, but victims are often in the dark about what is happening in their relationship.  Victims of emotional abuse will instantly recognize the pattern and abuse in their own relationship.  Victims are often in denial about emotional abuse, because victims don’t always know what is going on in their own relationships.  To read about narcissistic abuse will open our eyes to what is really the cause of a relationship where you feel lonely, hurt and confused.

Chapter 1 deals with emotional and narcissistic abuse.  Take a look at the different types of abuse in relationships, myths about abuse, the personality profile of an abuser and what an abusive relationship looks like. 

In Chapter 2 you will learn all about narcissism and narcissistic traits.  Learn about narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, narcissistic traits and what happens if you have narcissistic traits. 

Chapter 3 deals with narcissistic abuse.  What’s the difference between narcissistic abuse and normal narcissistic traits,  how to spot a narcissist, learn what narcissistic supply and fuel means, what are the red flags to look out for, when dating a narcissist, tips when dating a narcissist, reasons to leave a narcissistic abuse relationship, etc.

Chapter 4 deals with abuse in your relationship. What abusive relationships looks like, the attraction between empaths and narcissists/toxic people, the ugly side of narcissism in relationships, is loving a narcissist that bad, what to do if you are in love with a narcissist, what to do if you want to stay in the abusive relationship, reasons why victims stay with their abuser, love cycles of a narcissist, the traits of a narcissistic partner, the different masks narcissists are wearing, does the narcissist love you.

Chapter 5 is about the destruction of abuse.  Learn more about the narcissist’s ugly side in your relationship, how narcissists operate, when others don’t believe the abuse, the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, if there light at the end of the tunnel, when hope is a graveyard.

Chapter 6 is to fight back.  Abuse is not okay, what if your partner is abusive, what I have learned from my experience with a narcissist, how narcissists get away with abuse, if you should you tell a narcissist that they are abusive, if your narcissistic partner is abusive towards the children, signs of abusive parents, signs of codependency, leaving a codependent abusive relationship, divorcing a narcissist, how difficult it is to proof emotional abuse.

Chapter 7 has questionnaires and relatable question about abusive relationships.  Is your relationship in trouble, is your relationship based on love, is your relationship healthy or a one-way selfish relationship, is it still love or not, the A-Z of love and relatable questions often asked about narcissistic abuse.

The aim of this book is to focus on narcissistic abuse in relationships, what harm it causes and how it can destroy the victim.  It is important to remember not all narcissists are abusive partners, but if the narcissist tends to be abusive it is really unhealthy and cause serious mental health issues.

Abuse is in most cases the result of an abusive repeated cycle where the abuser were abused as a child or had childhood trauma.  Some victims of narcissistic abuse (during their childhood) will become abusive adults themselves or they will suffer from major depression.  In most emotionally abusive relationships, the abuser has some sort of childhood trauma, has some degree of narcissism and/or some sort of mental health illness.  In this book we focus more on the narcissistic abuse from typical narcissistic behavior. 

This book will help you to recognize the problems in your relationship.  Recognizing there is a problem is the beginning of healing and change.  Reading this book will be a step in the right direction if you are concerned about your relationship and how it makes you feel.

WHY AM I WRITING THIS BOOK?

I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse.  I got out of an emotionally abusive marriage that lasted 25 years.  We got married when I was 19 years old, it was my first serious relationship and I didn’t know any better at the time.  I am not an expert on relationships or emotional abuse, but in the 25 years I have experienced what an abusive partner can do to your and/or your children’s mental health.  I know how easily you can get trapped in an abusive relationship.  I want to bring awareness to narcissistic abuse, because it wrecks the lives of the victims.

I experienced the deterioration of my own mental health and I could see it in my children.  Abusive relationships get worse over time.  His father is also a narcissistic abusive person. I saw what his father’s (my father-in-law) abuse did to his family and I didn't want to end up like that.  His mother and sister are emotional wrecks, they are walking around like empty shells.  His brother committed suicide a few years ago at the age of 42.  He couldn’t get over the emotional pain of the abuse he experienced as a child.  He didn’t get the necessary treatment for his childhood trauma that he sustained from growing up with a narcissistic father in a highly toxic and abusive environment. Emotional abuse is like killing the victim slowly mentally over time. I saw it with my own eyes and I’ve experienced it first hand.

Looking back now and knowing what narcissistic abuse looks like, it is clear as daylight how he abused us.  I don’t know why, but while I was in the abusive relationship I just thought he was rude and cruel with words.  I didn’t realize then that emotional abuse could have such a big impact on your mental health, especially on my children growing up.

You know the urban myth when you put a frog in a pot of pleasantly warm water and slowly heat the water, the frog will remain in the water until it boils to death.  That’s how emotional abuse feels like.  You feel uncomfortable and confused at first with the abuse, then you start to adapt to the continuing cycle of outbursts, love-bombing, the tension building up and the abuse.  You stay because of the good times, not because of the abuse itself.  You stay because you have hope that things will change and before you know it the abuse is taking its toll on you. Over time you start to feel empty, lonely, insecure, worthless, hopeless, helpless, sad and depressed.

You don’t have the energy anymore to get out, you stay and your mind tells you it could

have been worse.  At least he is taking care of us financially.  At least he is not abusing us

physically.  Your mind make excuses up, because at that moment you feel you don’t even have the energy to fight or to start over again.  Then if you don’t get out you will end up mentally and emotionally crippled and/or emotionally dead.  You will end up as an empty shell of who you once were.  Don’t be like a frog in warm water waiting to be boiled. Get out while you can, it is not going to get easier, abuse gets worse over time.

I didn’t even realize my children and I were emotionally abused at the time. I thought he was an asshole, just like his father, who didn’t know a thing about showing love and affection.  I didn’t like the way he would make fun of us or make us feel so small.  Still, even though he sometimes treated us like shit, I still thought deep inside that he loved us.  Which means there is hope that we could be a happy family.  I knew something was off all the time, because we walked on eggshells all the time to avoid any abusive episode again. I couldn’t put a name to the way we were treated.  I didn’t know you call it emotional abuse.

I know now it may sound stupid to say I didn’t know what emotional abuse looked like.  I know now it may sound stupid to say all those things he told us at the time, didn’t make me think that he was abusive.  I was so naive thinking that he didn’t mean all those nasty, criticizing and hurtful things.  Your mind is trying to fight all those negative feelings all the time. Your mind is so busy feeling confused that you are literally blinded to see what is happening right in front of you.

So how or why did I stay married to a narcissistic abusive person?  This is not an easy

question to answer, because thinking back now, I don’t understand why or how I could

have stayed.  I guess I was permanently in a fight or flight mode.  I fought back when he

was unreasonable or when he upset my children.  I was in flight mode when I just couldn’t

deal with it at the time, it is times when you just want to disappear. You pray each day that he would change, but nothing ever changes.  In fact, the