Narcissist Detected

By Joseph Olsson, Sr

Narcissists believe that they are exceptional people and may behave in arrogant ways because they are attempting to bridge the gap between their self-perceptions and their meta-perceptions.
Children of narcissists learn that love is abuse. The narcissist teaches them that if someone displeases you, it is okay to harm them and call it love

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joseph Olsson, Sr
• Release date: Apr 22, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005164706

Book preview

When Narcissism Becomes Pathological

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a form of pathological narcissism. A pattern of behavior that drives a lifelong quest for self-gratification, NPD is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, an insatiable need for attention, admiration, and a chronic lack of empathy.

Overt narcissist

An overt narcissist is someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is in the cluster B personality disorder group. They display symptoms and behaviors that demonstrate the inflated sense of self that they feel. They are grandiose and have exaggerated ego. They show that they feel superior to you and have no problem letting everyone know. They are not like the covert narcissist whom people call a wolf in sheep's clothes.

Covert narcissist

Covert narcissist describes a person who has NPD but does not display the grandiose sense of self-importance. Often involves a more internalized experience. People with these traits still feel unappreciated, need admiration, have contempt for those they consider inferior, and believe they should get special treatment. But instead of displaying outward grandiosity, they may privately fantasize about having their special qualities recognized or getting revenge on people they believe have slighted or wronged them in some way.

They can also be called closet or communal narcissists, they generally pose as good and kind people just trying to help others. It’s an act. Here goes:

One subset of a toxic individual is the covert narcissist. This individual is usually covertly aggressive or passive-aggressive and uses calculated, underhanded means to get what they want or to manipulate the responses of others while keeping their aggressive intentions concealed. The stronger you become and the firmer boundaries you set, the harder it is for them to control or manipulate you, particularly when you unmask them. Once unmasked, they no longer need you to get the attention or the supply they crave. Supply is a term used in the psychological literature on narcissism, which indicates the attention, love, praise, or negative attention that a person from the dark triad needs in order to function.

Once unmasked, the toxic person becomes extremely arrogant, and the victim/survivor will see more of the covert traits. When their mask cracks, they will often release their rage. Their behavior becomes cruel, sadistic, and aggressive. This can be possibly avoided if you go no contact as soon as possible. If you are living with them, it is best to move out as quickly as it is safe to do so or to seek protection.

Covert narcissists can be under the radar and hard to detect because they are masterful at concealing their malevolent and dark traits. The covert narcissist is an expert at presenting himself as charming, giving, kind, genuine, empathetic, quiet, shy, loving, and humble. They thrive on pretending to be something they are not, but by all accounts, they are controlling, manipulative, expert liars, sly, and dangerous. They are troublemakers who initiate chaos and confusion behind the scenes.

They are indeed wolves in sheep’s clothing, and it is unlikely that you would recognize these individuals if you had never encountered one before, or if you were not knowledgeable about the signs of narcissism. It is exceedingly difficult to discern the true nature of this person as a predator, particularly if you have been love-bombed or if they have a cover of being an avid churchgoer, physician, or spiritual healer.

They may appear to be humble, especially in private, where they will impress you with a modest facade in the beginning. They will have a poor me narrative to target empathic people, and certainly, they are attracted to empaths. However, this is an ingeniously executed demonstration that is part of their plan to reel you in and fall for them as it elicits your willingness to help. That is why empaths and other kind people are often taken in by this personality disordered person.

These types of toxic individuals project a calm and patient mirror to the outside world, but on the inside, they are as profoundly selfish and as angry as their overt counterparts; they just hide their agendas. They are sensitive to slights and usually cannot handle and get defensive after mildly probing questions or suggestions for improvement. They get what they need out of life by creating a false self. This facade gets them the supply they want, as well as money, respect, or sex.

We want to believe their kindness and empathy are real, but they are supreme con artists and thrive on being able to fool and deceive others. They cannot get what they want if everyone knows who they really are. The covert narcissist is always plotting and scheming to control, manipulate, and eventually bring you down emotionally, financially, psychologically, physically, and spiritually. Many describe them as soul killers, but at the very least they are soul crushers.

Covert narcissists are so secretive and cunning that the victim can remain unaware of what has happened to them for years. These toxic personalities don't experience a guilty conscience; they believe they are entitled to lie. It’s the only way they know how to operate in a world of me against you. Narcissists genuinely believe everyone thinks and feels the way they do. They are expert at projecting their flaws and mistakes onto the person who loves them. They claim to be perpetual victims and spread kernels of doubt in the person they maintain they love. Often, the survivors have no choice but to acquiesce to their partners or to fight them; neither is a good option.

Signs of Covert Narcissism

False Humility: They listen to others only so they can speak into their life. They aren't listening with loving interest. They are concerned about themselves and are not truly humble.

Lack of Empathy: Lack of psychological identification, or experiencing the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

Immature Responses: They find it hard to effectively communicate or process their emotions and can often appear selfish or aloof.

Simplification of Others’ Needs: They will not explore the details of a particular situation because they don’t deem it worthy of their time.

Unable to Listen: They do not want to expend any energy toward relationships. They don’t care about what you have to say because they want to follow what is best for them regardless of what you are sharing.

Chapter 2

Spotting a Narcissist

They say that only victims can understand NPD - ones that have been with Narcs for considerable time (e.g. romantic partner or a child of) and then studied NPD in depth to make sense of it. These are the ones that can spot the little mannerisms, the nuances, the strategies, the Jekyll & Hyde duplicity. But so can other narcs, and they are drawn to other narcs in the same way that many species flock, herd or school. For protection.

Pack Mentality

Narcs are deeply insecure and are fearful of a number of things - generally related to narcissistic supply and being exposed. By forming groups with other narcissists they are able to offer reciprocal mutual protection, power and influence in much the same way that the school playground bully did back in childhood. These narcissistic cliques are extremely toxic, hunting sycophants to recruit as flying monkeys and enablers and identifying threats and enemies to take down - people of good stature, morally correct, with the courage of their convictions and the will and independence not to be controlled and subsumed by the clique. In the black and white world of the narc, people can be either one of two things - loyal and trustworthy, or evil and threatening. They need to surround themselves with people who demonstrate undivided allegiance to the clique regardless of how badly the monsters in charge behave. Those who don’t conform are a risk who must be neutralized - through malicious gossip based on lies, ostracization, marginalization and isolation.

In a Romantic Context

The Normal Model for a Narc Relationship - Narc with Codependent. Normal-range people are conditioned to think that all relationships are based on love. In a pairing between codependent and narc, the narcissist skews their relationship into becoming a one-way street where love is sent in good faith by the codependent, but received as narcissistic supply by the narc. It’s an unhealthy alliance for the codependent who is gradually sucked dry of mojo, self-confidence, identity etc. in the process. Ultimately the well runs dry, or close to, and they are discarded for a new source. This then is the normal, parasitic cycle that the narcs operate on, moving from host to host for as long as they can get away with it.

What the Narc really needs

It’s important to consider that the narc needs supply, not love. Does he/she necessarily need to get this met by his/her partner? Not necessarily...

Narc plus Narc - an unholy alliance

It is quite possible for them to pair with another malignant narc that becomes an alliance for the purposes of mutual cover, protection and support, where they settle down into a routine of assisting each other in their quest for narcissistic supply. This is derived from sources external to the marriage, the spoils of which are then split up and divided between the partners. To illustrate such a coalition, take the hypothetical example of a professional couple that decide to pursue a career in politics. He takes the lead role, while she dips in an out in a supporting act as her competing maternal responsibilities allows. As he climbs the greasy pole and career takes off, so he is able to derive plenty of narcissistic supply that his position offers - power, recognition, influence, opportunity some nefarious business on the side, attention from women etc. etc. She too is able to derive similar supply - the position by association, influence through him, a role and share in any shady dealings. She is able to turn a blind eye to the obvious affairs with ease because there is no love between them, so there is no romantic betrayal - it’s simply regarded as a cost of doing business. She may even have lovers on the side too which he doesn’t mind either - because they both know there is no betrayal, they both understand each other’s need for supply, neither of them can or want to provide the other with the requisite fuel, they have both agreed to source it from outside the partnership.

A Match Made in Narc Heaven

The whole arrangement works beautifully for each cohort. It endures because neither is living a parasitic life off the other. The spoils of war need not be split by tedious things like divorce. Their careers and lives build steadily together. They understand each other and are joined, not through love, but the promise of the mutually-assured destruction of disclosure should one split. Compared to their Narcissist-Plus-Neuro Typical cousins who live in constant fear of exposure and their knife-edge quest for supply, the narc-in-narc-marriage is assured and calculated. Bingo. Win-win (for them at least - a big lose for their electorate, or indeed any healthily normal person connected with them).

If you tell a narcissist that they’re insecure, they would not only believe you but the things you say to them about them will be turned onto you. Saying maybe you're the insecure one and make the wheels in your head turn making you believe that you are. But you are not insecure. All narcissistic people are very insecure and that's why they use realistic people like you and I. So don't ever, ever believe anything they say about you, either to you or to someone else about you. They will rip you apart feeding off of your energy and positivity. You will start feeling drained, and you can get physically sick. Their thoughts are: I'm right you're wrong, you are the problem, you're not good enough, feel sorry for me, my pain is worse, you can never do anything right, your friends don't like you, your family is against you or they will try to play you against them. I don't completely understand their mind yet but eventually you will look tired all the time and ran down so much that you won't care what your appearance is. Stress, stress, and more stress. Do not feel sorry for these egotistical, sympathetic seekers, self-righteous, spirit draining, grub worms. Their tears are not real. Their love is not real. A lot of them cheat and lie. They are fantasy minded and reality does not exist to them. They are big dreamers but not go getters. They talk a lot of crap. So my advice as an experienced narcissist victim, get out while you can. Even if they are sleeping. Save yourself, your family, your kids, and what friends you