Are You The One to Come, Or Do I Look For Another?

By Mary Bernice

Life and times of being single...

God's Word gives direction to successfully navigate through them

We are comrades in singleness. There is plenty that goes on in the life of the Christian single, and this book shares experiences--some fun, some absolutely surprising, but all to the Glory of God. One Christian single concluded that si

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: May 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781637690796

Book preview

9781637690789-Front-Cover.jpg

are you

the one

to come,

or do i look for

another?

by Mary Bernice

Are You the One to Come, or Do I Look for Another?

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive Tustin, CA 92780

Copyright © 2021 by Mary Bernice

All scripture quotations are taken from, unless otherwise noted, the King James Version of the Bible. Public domain.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without written permission from the author. All rights reserved. Printed in the USA. Rights Department, 2442 Michelle Drive, Tustin, CA 92780.

Trilogy Christian Publishing/TBN and colophon are trademarks of Trinity Broadcasting Network.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 978-1-63769-078-9

E-ISBN: 978-1-63769-079-6

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my family,

who have supported me

throughout the writing and life situations in its pages.

Table of Contents

El Ro’i: God Who Sees Me

Do You Take This…? Whoa, I Am Not Married!

Have the Roles Changed?

How Long Can This Go On?

And He Shall Direct Your Path…Are We There Yet?

Moving Forward

How Rejection Works on the Human Psyche

Emotional Healing

Be Aware of Value in Your Current State

Being Content and Having a Desire

God Told Me, You Are Mine

Crushes, Teen Phenomena?

Romantic Love / Mutual-Attraction Love

Why Not to Marry Your Second Choice

Dating Services—Whom Do They Serve?

Does God Trust You? Be Transformed by Renewing Your Mind

The Word of the Lord Is Right

About the Author

Bibliography

El Ro’i:

God Who Sees Me

being single has some advantages, some would say. Having said that, one of the myths related to singleness that has circulated is based on the New Testament scripture found in 1 Corinthians 7:7. It was written during the discourse of instructions to married couples. Paul gives his personal opinion when he states, For I would that all men were even as I myself. That is, single. He is also recorded as saying:

But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

—1 Corinthians 7:33-34

There are many who would say, so all you singles should be happy to give so much more time to the Lord. What may not be considered is that single adults spend just as much time working a job as a married person would. Some singles are with children due to divorce. The time taking care of family needs then is taken on by one parent instead of two. To finish the first scripture reference above, Paul states, But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that (1 Corinthians 7:7). Permit me to say that my gift is…to be married, I think.

I am divorced, and I thought that for sure since it was not my fault that we could not get along together…anyway, I thought that I would surely be married again in, oh, five years; ten years at the most. Now, what seems like a hundred years later, I am still single. I hadn’t had a date in a couple of months. Before that, I had not had a date in five years or so. I must say, though, that I was always looking. If some new single guy came into our Sunday school class, I would check him out. Lately, these guys were coming in younger and younger. Yikes! When I would go out and about, if I saw an attractive man, I would further observe whether he was with someone. If he was not with anyone, then I would try to get a glimpse of his ring finger. It was on one of these occasions that I got caught.

Here’s what happened. I was at a ministers’ conference. Most of the attendees, it seemed, were married. That is not a problem. I am happy for the married people. I noticed a guy who was not with a woman. I watched him at a couple of the conference events and breaks in order to confirm my presupposition. I got a chance to talk with him as the conference broke for lunch. But I hadn’t ascertained the vibe as to whether he was single or married. So, I split off, and I sat with a couple of friends during lunch. I determined that I would have to see that ring finger. After lunch, the conference reconvened in the sanctuary. He was there and was called to come forward to pray for some people who had come to the altar. As the Spirit of the Lord was moving, I surreptitiously attempted to get a glimpse of that ring finger. Try as I may, I couldn’t tell from that distance. I was not only trying hard to see that ring finger, but I was attempting to be clandestine, subtle, secretive. As the glory of the Lord filled the room, I had to see that ring finger, whether there was a wedding band on it or not. Stop laying your hands on that side of their head, please, move your hand this way, no, not that hand, the other one. My thoughts were boundless, knowing this would determine whether I would be able to relax with him and chat or not. I hadn’t had a date in months, so I had to know before this conference was over; it was one of my pervading thoughts. Yes, pervading, I was not aware of the Holy Spirit at all. I was going through the motion of praying, but I was definitely looking for that ring finger.

I cannot say for certain, but I think that as singles, if we do not guard ourselves, our chemistry will give off a needy and wanting signal, so to speak; an aura of discontent, forlornness or dissatisfaction. My emotional state was contrary to the testimony of Paul in Philippians 4:11 of being content in whatever state he was in. Oblivious to my surroundings, making every effort I could to view that ring finger, I heard a very stern and authoritative voice in my spirit say, Stop that! I knew who it was, and I sensed God’s disappointment with my actions. I was not behaving like a daughter who was trusting in her Father to take care of her in every area of life, including this one. It was embarrassing. I looked around to see if anyone else heard it. Or worse, if anyone else saw me and picked up that aura and then prayed, lodging a formal complaint to God that He would do something about me. I halted my intelligence activity immediately. I felt so bad that the Lord had to reprimand me. I also was amazed that the Lord was responding from His active knowledge of what I was feeling. He is El Ro’i. He had not delivered to me a husband; however, the assurance that I felt that He knew what was going on was encouraging. My Father knows what I have need of (Matthew 6:8). I left that conference with a peace that I cannot explain regarding being single. I have not done anything like that again, and it has been over a year since that happened as of the writing of this chapter. I am secure just knowing that Father God is not needing me to be anxious. Single child of God, know that God is good and does not want your aura to be influenced by a lack of an understanding that He is omniscient and that you are not outside His loving and caring eyes.

In some of the following chapters, I mention experiences with some of the gentlemen that came into my life and the result of those relationships. To begin, I share the adventure of my most recent experience. I was approached by a nice guy. I knew of this guy from intermittent meetings, nothing formal, just from general church activities. I had not considered this person as a potential mate because of a few things, mainly his occupation. I had said more than once that I would never be able to be a person in this field of work nor would I ever marry anyone in this field of work. Not that it is unholy, just that it was not preferred. Once when a friend suggested him as a potential, I repeated that to her, to which she responded, Never say never! I laughed. I was sure that my never was solid. I have a friend who at one time had said she was interested in this guy. Swell! Have at it! So, when he approached me to ask me out, because he had not been a consideration, I had to pray. The old Never say never played in my mind. I didn’t want to miss God.

We will call this guy Ami, for a friend. Ami approached me and asked me if I would be interested in going out with him. I may have been a bit hesitant in responding, but I did say that it would be nice, and I agreed to meet him at a restaurant. I went on this date thinking that this guy, too, would probably not be the one. Not because I had no faith, but because I was not attracted to him. So, I thought that he would be happy to take me out, and then I expected that I would not get a second call. I was wrong. First of all, I enjoyed being out with someone interested in me. There was no need to be attracted to him. Ami asked me out again and then again. I was not ready to share with others that I was dating. You may be able to relate with this. A person dates someone, and then, boom, you are no longer dating, and the relationships with friends coming back into your life become awkward, embarrassing even. He was not wanting to share this information with others either, so no one else was to know. As well, at the time, I had these doubts and unfamiliar feelings that were seeking to be revived, maybe. By the seventh date, I was astounded. I could not fathom what was going on. Interestingly, my feelings had not changed after these dates. There seemed to be no spark, and I felt that I was attending business lunch or dinner meetings, like that of a coworker. By this time, I found myself not wanting to go out with him when he called. For other reasons as well.

I will share with you roughly how these dates tended to go. Because I did not know Ami very well and, although he was a devout church attendee, he was not within my usual circle of friends, I felt it best to meet him rather than give him my address for him to pick me up. First date: he told me the name of the restaurant and texted me directions on how to get there. Very efficient, but what I was feeling was that he in some way felt I was incapable of finding the restaurant. I had been single for a while, perhaps I felt insulted. So with the name of the restaurant and looking it up on the maps for myself and directions from the Internet, I was unable to locate it. Okay, so I could be wrong, I could need a little help. I texted Ami and asked him where the restaurant was since I could not locate it. He texted me back, the restaurant was closed. Whew! Saved by the bell. I was not incapable after all! He chose a different restaurant that was still open. The first date went something like this: Ami asking so happily, ever so confident questions like, What things do you like? What things don’t you like? What do you do for fun? What bothers you about…? On and on it went. I could understand that he wanted to get information about me. I did not order any food, but the salad was complimentary at the restaurant. When asked why I had no desire to order food, I explained something like I don’t like going to restaurants much. Date number two: at a different restaurant. Ami asking, What is your favorite color? Where do you vacation? Are your parents alive? What is your favorite book?… Date three: at another restaurant. Ami asking questions like, How many siblings do you have? Where do you work? He laughed as he mentioned that he would only be able to say that he went to the restaurants and was the only one who ate on our dates. Date four, another restaurant, more questions; date five, restaurant, questions, etc.…By date six, I thought perhaps I had to contribute something to the date planning. I suggested that we went on a hike on one of the park trails. He was happy to accommodate and added, Then we can go to a restaurant for lunch? Sure.

On the seventh or eighth date, he had announced that he would like to take this relationship to another level. He had cleared it with the Lord that I was a viable candidate, and he was pleased with the initial dating. He would like for this relationship to lead to marriage if the other things were in proper alignment, such as family, finances, and…fedora? Okay, I could not think of another appropriate word for the alliteration that begins with the letter f, so I used a felt hat. I had not fallen in love, I figured. I was nervous about what was ahead in this relationship. Where does love come in? Or should it be a lot of love? Did his being overweight have to be a problem? Did I have to think he was handsome? Which at the time, I did not consider him to be handsome. I don’t know the man who he was. All the questions and answers were great for an interview, but what of how we would get along together? How would I find out about him if I didn’t get to see him relate with others? Because of the dating secrecy, we had not observed each other fellowshipping among others. How would I get to know this man? He now wanted to start asking more personal questions about who we were and what we had wrong with us, health and such. I didn’t know that I trusted him enough to allow him into the private areas of my life. I am a very private person. I don’t share that information with anyone. I carry my burdens to the Lord and pray for those things that need healing. And it had worked just fine. Was I now to share with someone what had, until this point, been between just me and my Jesus? I want to have someone to be a part of my life, but that someone I would not want to take the central place that my Jesus has. Is that the only way to have someone in my life, or is this a new area that is coming into play that will have to be addressed in prayer and emotional adjustments?

At what was to eventually be our final date, Ami introduced what he called his four stages of relationship building. Stage One: Curiosity; Stage Two: Investigation; Stage Three: Decision; and Stage Four: Commitment.

There were some other questions that came to me in response to Ami’s proposition to move to another level in the relationship. At the pre-stage, the requirements were not important to me because, at this point, according to his stages, I had not been approached. Had any pre-stage requirements not been met, I would not have been approached by Ami. The pre-stage is to be expected for any man who approaches a person of interest (i.e. potential for the long term). Ami stated that he could only enter Stage One with someone who had passed the pre-stage test of peace (And let the peace of God rule in your hearts (Colossians 3:15)).

Following was a narrative of Ami’s proposition for moving through his four stages; and my thoughts: Getting to Stage One means Ami has prayed and has a definite peace to proceed into Stage One.

For Ami, it was a huge thing to arrive at this stage because it meant he had asked the Lord about so many of the presumed, wonderful ladies.

Ami’s Stage One did not mean that he had made a decision for marriage, but it was huge for him because it meant he had screened out the ladies who had been interested in him or that had a potential interest in him and those ladies who he may have had an interest in up to this point.

My thoughts: I asked myself at this point, What would be the circumstances for marriage? Do women stand at a disadvantage at this stage? Should emotions be denied? Should emotions be ignored or repressed? Should I as a woman be taking the same precautions? Should I as a woman relax and not assume anything? I decided to relax and not to read anything into this interest so early in the game.

Ami shared that getting through Stage One was perhaps the most stringent test of all.

My thoughts: There perhaps was pressure on me at this point. As if I am playing a role of what could be assumed as my acceptance of such attention. But, at this beginning point, I find myself somewhat numb due to a lack of genuine interest attributed to Ami’s attention. At this point, I feel like I could continue for a while, perhaps something will change in my heart. Honesty and forthrightness are godly behavior, so I would not attempt to drag this out, should nothing change in my heart.

Ami explained that moving through Stage One was encouraging because it meant for him that the field had been seriously narrowed.

My thoughts: Ami is encouraged. Why? I do not particularly know as yet, I have not shared my feelings. What I feel on the subject appears to either not be important to him or is greatly assumed to be favorable for him. How do I interpret his obvious feeling of exhilaration that he is exhibiting without me feeling a sense of non-validation on some level? As if what I feel is of no consequence. So, I am feeling that it is assumed by him that