In this episode Leslie interview Darby Strickland, a faculty member and counselor with Christian counseling & educational foundation as well as the author of, “Is It Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Abuse and Helping Victims.”
3:10 - What has been the hardest part of getting people to understand? 

Oppressors don’t often look like oppressors to the outside world. Their public face is often much different. They come from such a problem in their heart. Victims have a hard time believing their spouse’s heart is that commited to self vs. living for the Lord. They rationalize, wanting to believe the best about a person.
 
4:45 - How does a woman discern between a man who is an overzealous leader and a man who is truly an oppressor?
 
Even Jesus’ submission was willful. It wasn’t fear-based. Often a woman is afraid to disagree or have a different opinion. Her input is devalued. A good leader listens to the helpers God has put around them. This is complying, not submitting. It’s subjugation. 
 
6:30 What do you say to a woman whose husband dismisses her by saying she’s being too sensitive?
 
Coercive control goes across all dimensions of relationship, not just physical. Journal. It may take up to 30 entries before you see a pattern in the stories. Then, see if those stories match up with what is in Darby’s or Leslie’s books. Or, find someone who is familiar with oppressive dynamics and can help you interpret those stories and see the pattern. Identifying the pattern is very important.
 
If you say “ouch” and your spouse is indifferent to your pain, that’s a huge red flag. Maybe you are being sensitive. Simply respond by saying, “Yes. I am sensitive. It hurts me.” You would hope your husband would care about that. It’s okay for you to be sensitive. That’s how God made you. 
 
11:15 If a woman feels unheard and devalued and reduced to a role, what should she do?
 
Depending on the severity of the abuse, you could try having a “micro” conversation about a specific thing you’re noticing. Example: “When we talk, I feel like you’re really dismissive.” Or, maybe ask a question: “You don’t want me to visit my family?” You can also make a statment: “I’ve decided my family is really important to me and so I’m going to visit them.” Abandon the conversation if it starts to feel unsafe. 
 
You can also begin to talk to someone else and get some validation to your story. Also, begin to work on the mindset that you have to diminish yourself in order to be submissive. As you begin to stand up to yourself, you will begin to shift the dynamics of the relationship. He will get more respectful or more abusive. If he gets more abusive, that’s a really good sign. Abort the conversation and get extra support.   
 
16:15 What about the argument that women were made to be a helpmate?


Being a godly wife does not mean simply serving your spouse. It’s okay for you to have your own personhood. 
Don’t allow your husband to usurp God’s position in your life. Your primary purpose is to love and serve the Lord. That means loving your husband by confronting sin, reading scripture, loving your friends and neighbors, etc. When someone wants to put themselves as the center of your purpose, there’s a big problem. The Proverbs 31 woman had her own life and wasn’t micromanaged by her husband. 
 
19:00 - What are signs a pre-marital counselor could see that a relationship might be destructive?
Abuse, early on, doesn’t look like abuse. It can look like passion. Maybe one partner says, “I want to spend all my time with you.” They wouldn’t say they are wanting to isolate you from others. “I love you so much I can’t…” 
Find out what happens in other moments of relationship. Separate each partner and ask… “Are you allowed to complain? Does he get upset when you’re sick and unable to be there for him? Does he talk about ex or mother in disparaging ways? Has he ever berated a waitress? What’s it like when you say ‘no’  to him?” If she hasn’t, she should try to say “no”