From Love Trauma to Fearless Love: Seven Tango Steps for Breaking Free From Narcissists and Predators

By Jianny Adamo

New Author of the Year 2020 by Audiobook Reviewer and a Kirkus Reviews recommended book! From Love Trauma to Fearless Love is a tale of emotional, spiritual, and sexual recovery from abuse at the hands of a predator. This book is especially relevant as From Love Trauma to Fearless Love illuminates how calculating

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fearless Love, LLC
• Release date: Dec 15, 2020
• ISBN: 9780578824772

Jianny Adamo

Jianny Adamo, LMHC, LPC is a psychotherapist and relationship coach. She is the founder of Fearless Love Counseling and Coaching. With a Master of Arts degree in Counseling from Nyack College, NY, she is licensed in both Florida and New Jersey. Jianny's mission is to educate, empower, and enlighten individuals and couples to heal from the pain and powerlessness of the past, live more authentically and to create safe, intimate marriages and fearless love. Jianny was named Relationship Coach of the Year 2017 by Women in Ecommerce of South Florida. She's a member of the Palm Beach County Counselors Association and is featured in various publications including YourTango.com, Bride, MSN, Glamour, PsychCentral, Bustle, OnMogul and eHarmony. Jianny enjoys dancing Argentine Tango and will dance for a cause to support victims of domestic violence and sexual abuse. You can read and sign up for monthly articles and advice from Jianny at https://fearlesslove.net/blog/ and learn more about her work at https://fearlesslove.net/.

Book preview

Fearless_Love_Front_Cover.jpg

Published by

Jianny Adamo

https://fearlesslove.net/

Copyright © 2018 Jianny Adamo

Print ISBN: 978-1-72731-273-7

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, scanned, uploaded, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

At age eleven, intuitively, God spoke to me that I had a purpose to fill, a calling. Being grounded in that truth gave me the courage to never give up on me, even when rape interrupted my life. I dedicate this book to all the victims of sexual violence. May your transformational journey reconnect you with your dreams and align you with your purpose.

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Part 1: Elena and Cesar’s Tango

Prelude: The Hollow’s Eve Ball

Tango Lesson One: Axis and Awareness

Tango Lesson Two: Connection

Tango Lesson Three: Embrace

Tango Lesson Four: Lead and Follow

Tango Lesson Five: Merging and Separation

Tango Lesson Six: Improvisation

Tango Lesson Seven: Off-axis Strength

Epilogue: The Tango’s Spring Masquerade Ball

Part 2: Psychological Insights

Section 1: Love Trauma

Section 2: Narcissists, Psychopaths and Predatory People

Section 3: Narcissistic and Sexual Abuse

Section 4: Fearless Love

Glossary

Resources

References

About the Author

Acknowledgments

My parents, immigrants from the Dominican Republic, celebrated 50 years of marriage this year. Their love is grounded on commitment and faith. They are a beacon of light and love over my life.

I am thankful to my schoolteachers who recognized my aptitude and encouraged my development. Thank you, Dr. Wilkie, for challenging me and affirming my ability to write.

A warm thank-you to the mental health, spiritual, self-defense, and law-enforcement experts I consulted while moving through my healing and researching for this book.

Thank you to the amazing women in my support group and the courageous people who have shared their stories. Our stories will pave the way for the changes needed in our society to accept the prevalence and seriousness of emotional and sexual violence.

Thank you to my friends and family who supported me when my confidence was stripped to the point of losing faith in myself. You always saw my worth and my goodness. Special thanks to Tobi—my mentor, collaborator, and friend.

Much gratitude to the South Florida tango community—instructors, Leads, and friends—for inspiring my tango fantasy! You ignited my creativity, breathing life into my shattered heart.

Thank you to my writing instructors, editors Gail Kerzner and Carol Rosenberg, to the focus group, my interns/mentees, cover designers, and all who had a part of making and marketing my book, I honor your wisdom in helping my book sparkle!

Last, thanks be to God for giving me a meaningful life.

Introduction

After experiencing my own tragic loss of love and violence at the hands of a man I loved, I was brought face to face with my shattered soul. I was a psychotherapist specializing in marriage counseling at the time. In the hands of a psychopath, however, both my strengths and my passion for helping individuals and couples create happy lives and fearless loving relationships turned me into the ultimate victim.

A psychopath, a narcissist with persistent antisocial traits, is a master manipulator. This type of individual finds it thrilling to exploit and abuse others, while entrapping us in our capacity to see him through empathy and compassion.

A psychopath’s mission in a relationship is to deceive, dominate, damage, and discard his lovers and partners.

Through my devastating experience of loving and leaving a psychopath, I learned firsthand about the fraudulence and darkness of the loveless. In the long and winding journey of recovery, I repaired my self-worth and redesigned a life I could once again love.

That personal journey through grief inspired me to write From Love Trauma to Fearless Love. The book takes us into today’s emotionally and sexually abusive culture. From Love Trauma to Fearless Love is not an actual account of events nor are the characters real. The narrative seeks to bring to life the fantasies, grief, and finally the painstaking truths of when love and the loveless collide.

Part One, set in South Florida, is a tale of emotional, spiritual, and sexual recovery from abuse at the hands of a predator. Each of the seven chapters offer a teaching on love through seven tangos, followed by a corresponding stage of loving and leaving a narcissist.

The tango, symbolic of love, is an improvisational dance needing implicit intentions as the couple glides around the dance floor. Dancers form a partnership where the Lead guides transitions and steps that the Follow carries out and embellishes. As in love, the dance may reenact a struggle, entanglement, or a fantasy.

Part Two provides psychological insights. These insights are divided into four sections: Love Trauma; Narcissists and Predators; Narcissistic and Sexual Abuse; and Fearless Love. Each section offers explanations of terms, characteristics of toxic behavior, and advice.

Love bestows meaning and purpose to our lives. Its magic is that it engages us in wonder, making us believe in the impossible until it is possible. From Love Trauma to Fearless Love brought me deep into my imagination. It’s the result of a wounded healer colliding with art, setting off a reaction that brought her back to self, health, and healing.

Whether you’re a man or a woman who’s been entrapped in a toxic relationship, may From Love Trauma to Fearless Love light your passage out of the darkness, desperation, and chaos that resulted in loving a narcissist. You are never lost if you know where you are going: a journey to wholeness and Fearless Love.

Part 1:

Elena and Cesar’s Tango

Prelude:

The Hollow’s Eve Ball

The wind whistled and whispered a message Elena had yet to unravel: It’s your fault . . . You’re not enough.

She trekked an unpaved path on a moonless fall night. With eyes streaked with artificial black and gray lines, Elena struggled to navigate the darkness, which was intensified by the maze of giant trees surrounding the abandoned building. The familiar gathering place emerged, this year’s site for the tango’s Halloween Ball.

A fuzzy black tail poked through the backside of Elena’s costume. Her torn leggings along with a soft, smoky undercoat and furry feline ears turned her into a triple-coat alley cat. As she stepped closer to the venue, the pulsating rhythm of double bass and violin filled the air, stirring something inside her soul—a desire, a longing.

Cobwebs swayed inside the entrance as she walked through the rusty door. The throbbing beat of the melancholic music grew stronger.

As she found a seat at a table on the other side of the dance floor, the Scarecrow, a widowed man, smiled and gave her a cabeceo, a nod of the head used to signal the offer and acceptance of dances. Elena nodded and changed into her spotted leopard dance shoes.

The Scarecrow offered his hand. Good evening, Elena.

Elena smiled and placed her paw on his. He enclosed the embrace.

The Scarecrow and his wife had danced exclusively with one another and moved in a uniquely entangled way. His wife had literally danced between his legs.

Elena always wondered how that was possible, but this evening in his arms, she understood. Close and controlled, she tangoed in the Scarecrow’s arms.

At the end of the musical set, Elena maneuvered through the costumed crowd and returned to her seat. Charlie Chaplin approached, giving her a cabeceo. She nodded in acceptance.

He wore a black, wavy toupee under his bowler hat. He stepped in front of her, wiggled his moustache, and offered his hand. Elena fluttered her long whiskers, then gathered her chestnut curls to the left side of her face and rested her right cheek on his.

Sentimental notes of the accordion-like bandoneón lingered in the air. They danced among the disguised figures. Chaplin hooked her left leg with his. She surrendered to his play. Moments later, he pushed his leg against hers, taking her leg out into a smooth sweeping motion, a sacada.

In the midst of hooks, sacadas, and spooks, Cesar appeared at the party. Cesar, fifty-two and of Panamanian heritage, was dark, short, and slim. He was not quite handsome but still pleasant to look at. With his tuxedo jacket slung over his left shoulder, he feigned an elegant appearance as he prowled his way around the room.

Cesar and Elena’s relationship had ended just over a year, unfavorably and without closure. On a few occasions Elena had tried to speak with him in the hopes that he would help her untie the knot of entangled emotions she was left with.

Cesar knew this was the social club where Elena danced. His showing up without having had an amicable ending made Elena feel very uncomfortable.

Her heart raced at the sight of Cesar. She tightened her hold on Chaplin. The violin’s raw rhythm oozed nostalgia, bringing her back to a time she’d been swept off her feet.

A red silk bow tie, white tuxedo shirt, shiny black shoes, and a flat fedora finished Cesar’s look. Elena wondered if he was dressed for ballroom dancing or if he was wearing a costume, but then noticed his hairy werewolf hands. Hmmm . . .

Peeking from behind Chaplin’s locks, she caught a glimpse of Cesar scanning the crowd, then watched him stroll toward the back of the room, dodging zombies and other elaborately garbed characters. She responded to Chaplin’s lead for a figure eight.

Why is he here? He couldn’t be looking for me. She wondered as she slid her foot along the floor.

Since their final breakup, throughout that long year, Elena had been bound in loneliness, confusion, and uncertainty. During their time together, she’d been internally conflicted by the ups and downs of their relationship—his dedication one day, disconnection the next, and back again to dedication. And then, all of a sudden, he had moved on.

Seeing him now brought back the old memories and conflicting sentiments Elena was trying so hard to forget.

When the tanda, the musical set, ended, Chaplin walked Elena to her seat.

Soon piano keys lingered with a suspenseful air. The Skeleton nodded in Elena’s direction, and she smiled to accept the next tanda. The cadaverous figure made his way over, offered his boney hand and escorted her to the dance floor.

An Egyptian Mau cat, he hinted at her custom. Fiercely devoted, playful, and proud hunter who savors sitting on the lap of her master and being adored. He smiled and closed the embrace.

Purr. Elena draped her arm across the cadaver’s back, sensing his firm physique beneath the spandex. She placed her cheek on his and breathed deeply.

As she looked up from the Skeleton’s encirclement, she saw Cesar, wearing his million-dollar smile, speaking with Dannay. The young Colombian woman wore an ashy, see-through gauze dress. Elena inhaled slowly, trying to contain her distress.

The bandoneón groaned as the musical set finished. Beads of perspiration began to surface on Elena’s forehead, and she made a beeline for her seat.

Calculatedly, Cesar and Dannay stood in front of it making it impossible for Elena to avoid them. Dannay appeared to have his interest. Cesar had a way of listening with his eyes as well as his ears, making a woman feel heard and understood.

Witnessing his usual mode of operation produced a sharp pain in Elena’s core. She remembered when she had been the focus of his attention.

His glowing amber eyes met Elena’s dark Spanish eyes as she moved closer to them. Ignore or acknowledge? Hmm . . . This kitty will play nice. Hi, Elena offered a stiff smile.

In an aloof tone, he echoed, Hi.

Since Elena was no longer the centerpiece of his embrace, he made no gestures. Her tail in hand, she took her seat.

Contrary to the enjoyment she had hoped for that evening, she was now possessed by anxiety and a touch of madness.

Count Dracula, standing on the other side of them, gave her a cabeceo.

Oye! She wanted to leave, but dancers were so sensitive to rejection. Oh, fine. She smiled, returning the gentle nod.

Blocked in by the closeness of the tables, she inhaled deeply, stood up, and took two steps toward the dance floor. With Cesar’s nose inches from Dannay’s, Elena placed her kitty paws on Dannay’s tiny waist and escorted her out of the way.

With her stomach in knots as if she had swallowed a hairball, Elena squeezed between them, wanting to puke. She gazed at Cesar’s scarred upper right lip, an injury he had sustained while touring Spain. Her left hip brushed against his as she moved into Count Dracula’s arms.

Having become obsessed with keeping tabs on them, Elena glanced over Dracula’s shoulder. With laser vision cutting through the crowded, dim dance floor, she noted: Dannay’s gathering her things. He nods. Hmmm . . . they’re not dancing. He’s placing his jacket on a chair. He’s taking her bag!

Elena watched Cesar accompany Dannay to the front door. His chivalry and charm brought back memories of when he had escorted her to her car, brought her bottles of water to quench her thirst, and removed her dance shoes from her tired feet. Oh, he’d have everyone believe he was a harmless creature!

Cesar and Dannay disappeared through the door. Elena’s nerves were unraveling. The hairs on her body stood straight up.

As the dramatic pounding of the double bass ended the musical set, Elena dashed to gather her things. She hastily took off her dance shoes and slipped into her flats. As she sprinted toward the front door, the rodeo clown wearing a bullfighter’s skirt held up with one suspender, intercepted her, grabbing and squeezing the wind out of her. You’re leaving us so soon, Elena.

Yes, Gaston. She wrestled her way out of the hug and offered a friendly goodbye to the host.

Not sure what she was going to find, she turned the handle and swung the door open. Hot, humid air pressed her cat costume into her sweaty skin and twisted her unruly curls.

Cesar and Dannay stood on the moist grass in the middle of the path enclosed by fog. Dannay spoke loudly as if giving Cesar the brush off. I don’t think so, she protested.

Perhaps she’s figured him out. I hope so, for her sanity.

Elena stared at Cesar. He glanced up at her, and she stepped out of the entrance. He looked away and then back to Elena. She didn’t blink. Slowly, deliberately like a cat on the hunt, placing one foot in front of the other, she moved in their direction. Again, he looked at Elena, then away.

Her gaze