Stop Being a Doormat and Learn to Love Yourself: Practical Lessons to Overcome Codependent Behavior, Negative Thinking, Low Self-Esteem, and Take Charge of Your Life

By Alexis Carter

Do you ever struggle with codependency, low self-esteem, toxic relationships, or negative thinking?

Perhaps you always found it hard to view yourself positively, and you often see yourself depending on others to keep you happy and cheer

• Language: English
• Publisher: MKHPublisher
• Release date: Jan 24, 2023
• ISBN: 9798218242794

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Stop Being a Doormat and Learn to Love Yourself

Practical Lessons to Overcome Codependent Behavior, Negative Thinking, Low Self-Esteem, and Take Charge of Your Life

Alexis Carter, MA

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Please note that the information contained within this document is for educational and entertainment purposes only. All effort has been executed to present accurate, up-to-date, reliable, and complete information. No warranties of any kind are declared or implied. Readers acknowledge that the author does not render legal, financial, medical, or professional advice. The content within this book has been derived from various sources. Please consult a licensed professional before attempting any techniques outlined in this book.

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For all the men and women seeking and finding the courage to take charge of their lives and expect more for themselves. You are deserving and worth it.

Sometimes I love you means I want to love you

Sometimes I love you means I’ll stay a bit longer

Sometimes I love you means I’m not sure how to leave

Sometimes I love you means I have nowhere else to go

–Rupi Kaur, Home Body

To illustrate an understanding of how codependency affects us, the stories in this book are of real people and situations. All the names used, however, have been changed to protect their privacy.

Codependency-What Is It?

Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.

–Bell Hooks

You give and give and give to family, friends, and colleagues, and somehow it just doesn’t seem like it is ever enough. They keep making demands and don’t show any appreciation for the amount of work you pour into keeping them happy.

You love your partner with everything—heart and soul—but it is not reciprocated. You are positive you love them more than they love you.

Your partner is a heavy drinker; they drink until they can no longer stand and can’t remember their actions the next day. When they don’t have alcohol (or another substance), they become miserable. You do everything you can to elevate their mood, even to the extent of buying them their ‘fix." You remain in the abusive relationship, tell yourself it is normal behavior, and accept the unequal respect, love, and care.

Are any of the above scenarios familiar? It may be for your partner, one or both of your parents, or a friend. Perhaps, you recognize yourself. Many of us display behavioral patterns known as codependency to some extent.

So, what is codependency?

Codependency is not a personality disorder. It is a pattern of behavior that incorporates elements of dysfunctional attachment patterns learned in early childhood.

In other words, codependency is a learned behavioral pattern that leads to a person being mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually dependent or controlling of another.

It is an act of depending on, or controlling someone, to fulfill a psychological requirement for validation.

It can also overlap with other disorders, such as dependent, narcissistic, and borderline personality disorders.

In the past decade, many researchers have begun referring to some codependent behaviors as Self-Love Deficit Disorder (SLDD). This is a medically unrecognized syndrome in which a person normalizes abuse, lack of respect, and care in intimate relationships. People suffering from this syndrome do not prioritize self-love and abandon their own needs to care for neglectful, abusive partners. Sound familiar to you at all?

Originally, codependency was closely associated with substance abuse disorders. The theory was that codependent traits develop by feeling obligated to support or help another person or allowing someone else to provide the caretaker role.

When not acknowledged or managed, codependent behavioral patterns can lead to low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, anxiety, helplessness, resentment, self-care and love, and unresolved anger. There can also be significant impacts psychologically, emotionally, and physically.

Codependency is not your fault! It doesn’t just develop overnight. It is a learned pattern of behavior and can result from one or a combination of several learned and innate factors.

Environmental factors, such as neglect, abuse, or other traumas early on in childhood, define how you see and respond to people. Learning to seek attention and love through dysfunctional, unhealthy experiences at a young age will frequently translate to codependent relationships as an adult. It also deters you from developing healthy self-esteem, appreciation, and love for yourself.

There’s a theory that it could be the result of your biology, in which the section of your brain dealing with empathy functions at a higher-than-normal level, causing you to be susceptible to codependency.

An example is when a mother feels important and needed when her grown child brings home laundry to manage. Although grown, the mother feels her child still needs her and loves her.

Another scenario is when a man wants to repair his car, but his partner doesn’t have the time to help. The man manipulates his partner by appearing sad and upset, thereby making his partner feel responsible for his disappointment. Despite being too busy, his partner feels obligated to help, avoid a fight, and keep him happy.

While seemingly familiar and something we have all done or experienced at some level, codependency and low self-esteem can become detrimental. We are here to explore and improve upon this.

The good news is that there is still time to turn it around to help yourself. You can start right here, right now!

This book will help you recognize the signs of codependency, low self-esteem, negative thinking, and a lack of self-love in yourself. It help will help explain where it originated from and help determine the best way to change your behavioral patterns confidently.

You will be able to work through the book step-by-step to understand what codependency does and how it affects the codependent person and those around them. Finally, you’ll receive advice on improving your self-esteem and confidence, self-love, and appreciating who you are.

You can expect resistance, which is normal when dealing with deeply rooted issues. Most of us are habit-forming and like our routines and comfort zones. Our mind is programmed to protect us, and we don’t like shaking foundations. Remember, when you work on self-improvement, you must be patient and kind to yourself during the process.

Taking the above examples into account, you might say that these sound like something we all do—we’ve all called someone just because we want to let them know we need them or cajoled a reluctant friend or partner into doing what we want. We also may have been the unwilling person.

We reason that these are ordinary growing pains we experience in our lives as part of the dynamics of a relationship, whether intimate or not. These are everyday occurrences, but are we blowing them out of proportion?

Not at all. Codependency is about doing these things to the point where it negatively impacts our sense of self, equilibrium, and careers. It is about being unhappy with yourself and looking for others to provide validation, support, or boost your confidence to the detriment of your happiness.

The word codependent tells us we depend on someone else for our well-being. The only time we should expect to be in a codependent relationship is as infants when we are dependent on our mothers to provide for and nurture us. That relationship is mutually beneficial and necessary for both infant and parent but does not translate well between adults.

It is estimated that approximately 90% of Americans are low-level codependents.

Chapter 1:

Identifying Codependency

We achieve a sense of self from what we do for ourselves and how we develop our capacities. You are bound to feel empty if all your efforts have gone into developing others. Take your turn now.

–Robin Norwood

Signs and Symptoms

Identifying the signs or symptoms associated with codependency is the first step to understanding that you or a loved one may be codependent. You may recognize some of these in your interactions with others. We all have at least one of these tendencies, and the probability of codependency increases with each added sign or symptom. In the following examples, let us look at the signs of codependency in a romantic relationship:

Guilt

You feel guilty or