Self-Care in Relationships: Using Your Brain to Guide Your Heart

By Julie Nelson PhD

For each of us there is an association between relationships and self-care. We are all wired to interact and connect with others, yet we are not formally educated about how to care for ourselves throughout that process. Dr. Nelson can help you:

Be intentional about practicing self-care both in and out of relationships
Explore your values to guide your relationship choices
Choose safe supportive relationships that feel good to you
Preserve your energy and resources by avoiding damaging relationships
Use effective communication skills to create the kind of interactions that you want
Learn to manage grief when relationships change

In Self-Care in Relationships, Dr. Nelson guides you through the basic skills required to connect with others in healthy ways. This easy, sensible approach comes from a compassionate and personal place as Dr. Nelson shares the genuine experiences of real people.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Apr 5, 2018
• ISBN: 9781982200886

Julie Nelson PhD

Julie Nelson, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist with experience in secondary education. Her educational background, combined with her professional experience, offers a unique perspective on relationship literacy. She is certified in Training and Development and has developed and presented educational material related to effective communication, healthy relationships, and self-care to a variety of groups and businesses. Fostering healthy, mutually-supportive interaction is her passion. Dr. Nelson enjoys family, friends, and creative textile arts. As an avid quilter, she finds ways to incorporate the healing properties and altruistic nature of small creative community groups into her work and rich presentations.

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Copyright © 2018 Julie Nelson, PhD.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-9822-0086-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-0087-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-0088-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018903505

Balboa Press rev. date:  04/04/2018

To all who are willing to learn and grow through relationships.

The names and some of the external circumstances of the patients in this book have been changed to protect their confidentiality. All symptoms and therapeutic efforts are as they actually occurred.

The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this book are not intended as a substitute for consulting with either a physician or a psychotherapist. You should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to your health, and particularly in respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention. Likewise, if you feel desperate and are unable to cope with stressful events, you are urged to seek help from a qualified psychotherapist.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 — Exploring Your Preferences

Chapter 2 — Self-Care

Chapter 3 — Effective Communication

Chapter 4 — Choosing Safe People

Chapter 5 — Managing Grief when Relationships Change

Chapter 6 — Learning from Others

Introduction

This book is about learning how to take wonderful care of yourself as you interact with others. If you have felt unfulfilled and less than joyful in your relationships, then you will likely benefit from some of the concepts presented in this book. If you have felt frustrated, confused, knocked off balance, sad, and afraid in relationships, then certainly you can benefit from learning about self-care in relationships.

Self-care is important. A person may be smart in many ways and yet may still struggle in the area of self-care. And the dynamics that are created in relationships can make caring for the self even more challenging. Self-care refers to the practice of taking good care of you at all times and in all situations. It means becoming your own great friend and wonderful parent. Effective self-care requires acknowledging, identifying, and attending to your own specific physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs so that you can be your best self and enjoy sharing your gifts and talents with others from a place of joy and strength.

Relationships are important. As human beings, we are wired to interact and connect with each other. Research in the field of psychology highlights healthy social connection as a protective factor that promotes well-being and longevity. The American Psychological Association lists perceived social support as an important component of healthy aging. From early-childhood programming of thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors to current daily, moment-to-moment life experience, we are constantly influenced and affected by interactions with others. We make countless decisions throughout our lives about how, when, where, and with whom to interact, and those interactions profoundly affect every aspect of our lives.

We all know that relationships are important and that we suffer when they are strained, yet given that fact, we are not formally taught how to create and maintain them. In my earlier life as a high school science teacher, I often found it interesting that, as a society, we expect young people to graduate and enter adult life with healthy self-care and relationship skills with little to no formal training. We do not expect them to be able to do math or read without instruction, and yet skills as complex and important as self-care and social connection are left for them to muddle through. And muddle through is what many do—eventually landing dazed and confused in therapy offices like mine, trying to make sense of painful and expensive relationship lessons.

Missteps in relationship choices can be costly physically, emotionally, and financially. We all know this. We have seen it all around, and many of us have experienced it firsthand. We seem to expect ourselves to choose and create and participate in healthy, mutually supportive relationships without the prerequisite foundational knowledge necessary to make that happen. Perhaps we assume that this kind of education and training is presented effectively in the home, in cultural groups, or through the media. Clearly that is not true for everyone.

Many communities are attempting to respond to internal and relational struggles evidenced by bullying as well as open acts of aggression. Some schools are offering curricula to support emotional literacy in an attempt to prevent episodes of bullying and violence. Many employers offer soft skills training in an effort to help employees communicate and problem solve in effective ways that support retention and productivity. Senior citizen centers are introducing self-care and information about relationship boundaries under the umbrella of maintaining a healthy brain and healthy mind. I applaud the dissemination of basic information about self-care, effective communication, and the formation of healthy relationships to people of all ages in developmentally appropriate ways. This information helps people to make the best self-care and relationship decisions possible at every stage of life. Good decisions in these areas provide opportunities for more of an individual’s life energy to be put toward productive and creative pursuits that benefit the self, the family, and society as a whole.

In order to participate in healthy, fulfilling, mutually supportive relationships, there are a few prerequisites that must be met. Chapter by chapter, this book will help you build the foundational knowledge and skills that will enable you to care for yourself as you make wonderful relationship choices.

Your first healthy relationship choices begin with the kindness and compassion that you create and cultivate toward yourself. In chapter 1 you will compassionately get to know yourself well enough to identify your own needs, wants, and values. You will explore your preferences for friendships and also consider the qualities that you would want in a lifetime partner. It is important to know yourself well enough to be able to identify what you want so that you can move toward it. The world will offer you many opportunities for interaction. It is your job to know yourself well enough to say yes to situations that are a good fit for you and no thanks to what is unhealthy for you.

In chapter 2, you will be guided to create a dynamic self-care plan that you can follow both in and out of relationships. We will explore strategies to help you manage your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We will look at ways to self-soothe, let go of the past, and put aside fear of the future. We will explore ways to embrace the present moment with ease so that you will not only become the kind of partner and friend who supports a balanced, enjoyable, harmonious life experience, you will also attract the same kind of people.

The practice of effective communication as well as problem-solving skills are necessary for maintaining relationships over time. In chapter 3 we will learn and practice very basic skills that will likely feel awkward at first but will become fun. You will notice immediate results and benefits from implementing specific listening and problem-solving skills in a variety of everyday interactions.

Chapter 4 introduces the concept of discernment. Practicing discernment helps you recognize a variety of qualities in other people that indicate that they are willing and capable of cocreating a healthy relationship. Being willing to see what is really there in other people rather than projecting onto them what you want them to be is an essential skill. We will discuss healthy boundaries. Boundaries define how other people are allowed to treat you. Knowing your boundaries and giving yourself permission to enforce them are important parts of healthy interaction. Being strong and stable enough to say thanks, but no thanks to another person without undue fear and anger takes fortitude and practice.

Life is composed of constant change, and relationships are no exception. Relationships are in a state of continual flux as individuals grow and explore and learn over time. Alterations in relationships (even good ones) can bring around feelings of loss that can be unpleasant for a while. Chapter 5 explores self-care during the grief process that occurs when relationships change.

Chapter 6 offers an opportunity to learn vicariously through the rich stories and experiences of others. Of course, the names and specifics have been changed in order to protect privacy, but you will likely recognize some of the common dynamics from listening to the stories of people in your own life. Such stories present an opportunity to view relationships from the outside looking in and will encourage you to apply advice that you would give to a friend to your own life. Finally, chapter 6 closes with six guiding principles that will help you stay focused on nurturing concepts as you continue to navigate relationships in your daily life. Knowing and internalizing a few key ideas can help you habituate to self-care practices and apply them with ease throughout your life.

We live in an exciting time. There exists a great deal more knowledge about the psychology of self and well-being in relationships now than existed in previous years. Things have changed. Cultural and societal belief systems have expanded to honor a variety of relationship and family perspectives. It is becoming more apparent that old, established mores from the past about self and self in relationship do not offer a viable working model for every person. Relationships are changing to reflect new wisdom, and the rules for interaction are up for consideration and discussion by all.

The advent of the computer age also brings with it many new opportunities for social connection. The rules for engagement in the World Wide Web environment are being newly forged. But the basic self-care and relationship ideas presented in this book can easily be applied to social media interactions. Cultivating an awareness of your own values and goals and knowing how to use discernment and set healthy boundaries are important skills that are transferrable to social media contexts. Knowledge about effective communication, about what constitutes safety and which words and behaviors shut communication down, are applicable regardless of the communication tool being used. Regardless of the interaction tool or forum, each individual is always unique and dynamic; each relationship is an opportunity to cocreate an endless variety of experiences based on the joys and preferences and choices of the participants.

I offer the information in this book with the hope of encouraging you to imagine and move toward your ideal relationship experiences. You can learn the skills that will allow you to choose and cocreate mutually supportive relationships that enrich your life, making it better and easier. You can learn to value and enjoy your own company as you wait and watch for good-fit friends and lovers. I invite you to practice the basic self-care skills presented in this book to bring you ease in the present moment. Practicing the skills is also an investment in your future because they will pave the way to cocreating your ideal relationships. It is my deepest wish that you use your power to create peace and fulfillment in your life by imagining and moving toward interactions that fill your mind with ease and your heart with joy. You are not alone. We are all learning together.

Chapter 1

Exploring Your Preferences

Guiding Principle #1: Taking the time to get to know my own values, needs, goals, and preferences will help me choose friends and partners who are a good fit for me.

Your first healthy relationship choices begin with the kindness and compassion that you create and cultivate within yourself toward yourself. In this chapter, you will gently and compassionately identify your own needs, wants, and values. You will explore your preferences for friendships and also consider the qualities that you want in a lifetime partner. It is important to take a little time to get to know yourself well enough to be able to identify what you want so that you can move toward it. The world will offer you many opportunities for interaction. It is