Provoke Not Your Children: How to Escape the Emotional Trap of a Narcissistic Mother

By Dr. Carol E. Provo

“Many people believe that what goes on behind closed doors is nobody’s business. However, family secrets can hide a multitude of evils that can affect the lives and relationships of those involved for generations to come. This book will expose a specific type of evil – parental abuse and manipulation, and its effects on the minor child and the adult child alike. While we know to beware of the dangers that lurk outside the home, what about the evils that reside among us inside our family dwellings? Let’s pull back the curtain of heartache and shame, and discover the tools for healing.”   – Dr. Provo

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Jun 30, 2021
• ISBN: 9781645756200

Dr. Carol E. Provo

CAROL E. PROVO is a Doctor of Clinical Psychology (Psy.D.), licensed life coach, university professor, and author. She has had a successful career in public service, including work in various government agencies and in private practice working with adolescents, adults, and families, as well as providing community services and mental health counseling. She is currently an adjunct professor for the California State University system, where for 19 years, she has taught Applied Statistics in both Criminal Justice and Public Administration, along with many other public policy courses. She currently resides in Southern California with her youngest daughter. Her other work and newly self-published book (2020) is as follows: Book Two is entitled, Provoke Not Your Children: The Workbook, which is a therapeutic guide for therapists, and mental health counselors and life coaches, who are counseling victims and survivors of parental abuse and/or any kind of relationship that involved psychological manipulation. This workbook contains 11 Modules, which when used along with the self-help book, can enhance the work with clients in individual counseling, social skills groups, domestic violence groups, and/or addiction prevention groups who are learning how to build new and healthy relationships. To order this workbook, please go to: www.satirglobal.org [http://www.satirglobal.org] or visit the author’s website at www.uneeklyqualified.org.

Book preview

Provoke Not Your Children

Congratulations Carol!

I am so excited for you! I know this book will help change the lives of so many men and women who are victims of this – another pandemic. Its impact can be so subtle in their lives that many don’t have a clue as to why they think, feel, and behave the way they do. Often, they live stuck in a vicious cycle, which sets a dysfunctional course for their lives. I understand its impact on my life and relationships, and still I struggle! Though I am not a therapist or a life coach... I can’t wait to read it! Our shared experiences and conversations over the decades have been a blessing. I love you, Sister, and thank God for putting you in my life!

Shelia T.,

Best Friend

Dedication

Dedicated to:

Her

Copyright Information ©

Dr. Carol E. Provo (2021)

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher.

Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

This is a work of nonfiction. Although the cases in the book are based on past work, the names, places and events have been changed, but the problems are real. The story, experiences, and words are the author’s alone.

Ordering Information

Quantity sales: Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the publisher at the address below.

Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication data

Provo, Dr. Carol E.

Provoke Not Your Children

ISBN 9781645756194 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781645756200 (ePub e-book)

ISBN 9781638293262 (Audiobook)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021909702

www.austinmacauley.com/us

First Published (2021)

Austin Macauley Publishers LLC

40 Wall Street, 33rd Floor, Suite 3302

New York, NY 10005

USA

[e-mail]

[phone]

Acknowledgment

A Special Tribute

I want to give a special thanks and express my heart-felt appreciation to T.W.H., who, if not for the love, strong encouragement, and unyielding support of this person in my life, this book would not have been published. As a brief background, I quietly wrote this book by hand five years ago; after I finished, its powerful contents set off a fear response that overtook me, and I hid the handwritten pages in a bag and placed the bag way back in the corner of a closet in a back room that no one had used in over a decade. I casually mentioned the project to two people, my 90-year-old grandmother and my daughter, Shonn. I went on with my life, and never looked back, as if these pages did not exist. Knowing nothing about my writings, T.W.H.’s persistence, constant inquiries, and unwavering demands that I stop being afraid and accomplish my dreams finally broke through, and I confessed to the existence of the hidden work in the closet. All hell broke loose, several business meetings followed, deadlines were set, and a publisher secured – all in just a few months!! And, here I stand today, having walked through my fears. Without T.W.H’s presence and support in my life, this book would not have come to fruition. Therefore, I want to honor T.W.H. who, having no need for public attention or praise, is the most appreciated person on the earth and is who I still have on a pedestal. I say, thank you, thank you, thank you, with every fiber of my being.

– C. Provo

Introduction

D. W. Winnicott (1971) said, "The precursor to the mirror is the mother’s face?" Please pause, take a deep breath, and think about this quote for a minute. Although what you remember might be the reflection of a caring, nurturing, and validating maternal figure, imagine the child that experiences the opposite. Allow your mind to imagine the infants whose eyes are met by a cold and disapproving reflection, a maternal face staring back at them that reflects the anger, loathing, discontent or indifference toward them, or a mother who is inconvenienced by the very presence of her newborn and her current parental situation. In other words, how can a child not doubt or hate itsself, if the god-like, all-powerful, all-knowing, and ever-present mother returns to them a look or response of disgust and/or indifference? Given her status, and in the soul of an innocent child, the infant unconsciously wonders if it must have been something she saw in him that solicited such a reaction; and, although a baby is pre-verbal, everything inside of him or her must be screaming, What is so wrong with me?

Well, it is this question that continues to invade the hearts, minds, and souls of many children, teenagers and adults in our society today, even when other mirrors, or well-meaning others continually attempt to validate them with positive attributes, such as beauty, intelligence, and/or the promise of a bright future. As it increases with each generation, we repeatedly witness the consequences of this question gone answered with the prevalence of addictions, bullying, domestic violence, rape, suicide and homicide, and all sorts of other negative behaviors in our society. So, what do we do? It can be very difficult to just simply replace the previous negative messages delivered to a child by the first and most important caretaker in their lives with positive affirmations.

The work undertaken in this book is divided into five major parts and tackles the difficult topic of ineffective and, sometimes, downright evil mothers, specifically, the narcissistic mother. Narcissism is one of the most misunderstood of the ten personality disorders. This misunderstanding is not intentional, but it is a product of the overuse and misuse of the term in society at large. Therefore, the purpose of Part I of this book is to introduce the origin of the term, which has its roots in Greek mythology using the story of Narcissus. Part I will also discuss the misconceptions and misinterpretations of narcissism, as well as a working definition and a broad clinical understanding of the topic at hand.

Part II of this book seeks to inform people of the logistics needed for her pathological existence, while also removing the mystery of how such a familial phenomenon could go so terribly wrong. We need only look at recent news stories of children caged in their homes, starved and neglected by their parents to see how these atrocities can take place right under our noses, and as you will read later, how these manipulative mothers can be hidden in plain sight.

In the next five chapters of Part III of this book, the faces of the narcissistic mother will be revealed along with their distinct characteristics. The reader will learn about the masks that these mothers wear to hide their controlling and manipulative natures, while they simultaneously construct the façade of a perfect family. At the end of each chapter, I will also present a therapeutic case to illuminate how the roles and characteristics of the narcissistic mother play out in the real world.

Part IV illuminates the effects that a narcissistic mother has on her victim-children, both minor and adult children, and again I will follow each chapter with a case illustration. I have seen so much suffering, not just with children, but also with adults who have suffered as children. As we know, early relationships shape the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of children, and can be a precursor for how healthy people will be as adults. Therefore, in general, we can surmise that children who grow up in a safe, secure, and nurturing environment with healthy relationships are positively impacted and have a greater chance of success. Conversely, children who grow up in an unsafe, unstable, and less than nurturing environment have a more difficult time navigating through their developmental pathways. In more extreme circumstances, there are some parents who are controlling, manipulative, selfish, and thoughtless with no consideration for anyone but themselves and who are willing to have their way at the expense of their children’s well-being. These are the situations that I will address in the fourth part of this book.

This leads us to Part V of this book. Specifically, the goal of Part V is to expose the irrational weapons and psychological games in her arsenal and to also supply you with strategic mental responses and techniques to counter her maladaptive behaviors. This section of the book gives you permission to grieve, to emote, and gives you the skills to escape from the emotional theatrics that have become so familiar. Finally, if needed, Part V of this book will assist you in finding the right kind of support. Remember, if you are reading this book, you have taken a very big step toward a newfound understanding and the journey toward peace and freedom. This is unquestionably one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself.

Why is this book so important?

I am not sure if there are greater incidents of abuse or if we are just more exposed to the stories of abuse through the news media, social media, and overindulgence in reality television and its proclivity toward unhealthy relationships. Whichever applies, it is so prevalent that we are becoming immune to the shock of its occurrences. Our children are being exposed to images online that would have been unacceptable a decade or two ago, and they do not even flinch, and in the worst-case scenarios, they find such images funny. People not only have shorter attention spans, but I believe, on some level, society has also become numb to the most disturbing relationship interactions, and it seems normal for everyone to have some kind of unhealthy story from their past. So, it appears that we are losing our righteous indignation and accepting the insane as par for the course. One might be surprised at the number of young people now who have never even seen a healthy relationship. So, where does that leave society in terms of the family unit and the social relationships of the future? Do we just adapt and accept the new watered-down illusion of what a relationship should be? Or, should we demand better? Each person has to decide for themselves.

Although life will never be perfect, I think we need to get back to what is best for us in the long-run, and stop seeking temporary fixes for momentary desires. For example, I can remember when parents literally sat their teenagers down and taught them about healthy relationships. They told them what was best for them and what to avoid, if possible. I am not saying that this does not still happen, and I know that not all parents are oblivious. However, many parents are not setting healthy examples and are having as much unhealthy fun online as their kids are, so much so, that the sentiment seems to be, just have fun, even at the expense of others and the future, and we will worry about the consequences later. Often times, the issues of life are going unchecked, which leaves the future generations vulnerable before they even arrive.

Who should read this book?

Adults and supervised adolescents who are victims or suspected victims of abusive and manipulative parents, spouses, or other relationships, and those who are looking for answers; it may also