Oneself: Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse

By Gregory J. Robb

It was a bizarre sight, even for a McDonald’s drive-thru: a white Jeep sitting about four feet from the order sign. The vehicle before it had ordered and moved forward, leaving plenty of space for the Jeep driver to advance. Of course (as always seems to be the case in this situation), the Jeep headed a long line of waiting vehicles.

Thus, I waited for an appropriate amount of time for those possibilities to play out. They did not. I looked more closely, astonished to see the Jeep driver looking forward while talking to his passenger. He knew he needed to move up. Yet, he didn’t. This was so unusual that I decided to just watch. Here the Jeep sat, not able to order what it so clearly had come to McDonald’s to order, whatever that might be. His wish would simply not materialize in this moment, and he would continue to deny any vehicles behind him to just grab some breakfast and move forward. In fact, the driver in this vehicle appeared to not be engaged in anything that would facilitate progress.

Why the hell would someone do this? What could they possibly want?

What he wanted, much more than a coffee, was our attention. He had no care whatever of how he might be inconveniencing others with his strange behavior. This was a game, and we were his playthings. He would not let us eat until we noticed him on terms of his choosing. Only when he got that would he conduct himself appropriately. In this case, any attention qualified. It didn’t matter to the individual that I reacted negatively. This person was not as busy, or immersed, as he pretended to be. The moment was only about what he wished and how he would get it.

That’s how narcissists behave. Before the reader guffaws and dismisses the relevance of it, consider how many people exhibit socially-selfish behaviors that cross so many boundaries to disrespect. Their wishes trump all else, they fantasizing about their omnipotence, and importance. How many such people appear to have no reason whatsoever, that we can observe, for possessing such glorification of self? In fact, I would bet a hypothetical dollar that your own reaction to these people has often been, “Dead beat.” That would constitute a natural, healthy reaction.

The man in the Jeep may have been a mild narcissist. Maybe he was actually nice but could display a dysfunctional degree of selfishness once in a while. In that case, it is clearly best to just dismiss the childishness and continue.

However, this book exists to define narcissism as a 21st-Century plague-in-the-making. Whether the individual is a closet nuisance, or a pathological destroyer of lives, humanity must recognize the potential of this societal scourge. Not all narcissists destroy lives, but they all make life harder for the rest of us. They feel completely entitled to do so, because they actually believe that they are innately superior to others. As the condition moves from mild to pathological on the continuum, narcissists represent a real threat to our happiness. Perhaps one way to access, and assess, the presence of narcissism is to evaluate the presence of unhealthy selfishness around us.

When a person pushes others’ buttons for attention, without any empathy at all, how can the individual be more kind? If the narcissist feels innately superior, how will he treat any other person as an equal, one whose needs are worth considering? How does he rehabilitate when his fantasy is his reality? Victory lies in the depth of wisdom. It always has. Narcissism is a psychological construct; wisdom is an organic component of reality. Acknowledge your own fears, and you transcend your narcissist. Act on depth, and you insure yourself against narcissistic exploitation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gregory J. Robb
• Release date: Nov 20, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463752661

Gregory J. Robb

Gregory J. Robb is a lifelong communicator whose words were first accepted for publication in 1989. As a writer, educator and broadcaster, Greg amassed over half a million published words in online and traditional periodicals all over the world. He then turned to the long form and fearlessly engaged his subjects in a distinct authorial voice. In 2015, Gregory published Transience: From Failure to Future in a Scarred Family, his inaugural book. He continues to pursue the greatest story of all from his beloved home of Vancouver, Canada.

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Oneself: Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse

by Gregory J. Robb

Copyright 2019 Gregory J. Robb

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

ISBN: 9780463752661

Discover other titles by Gregory J. Robb:

Transience: From Failure to Future in a Scarred Family

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite e-book retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Dedications

Introduction

Section I: Destruction

Chapter 1: Ready or Not

Chapter 2: The Character of Narcissism

Chapter 3: My Narcissist

Chapter 4: The Narcissist Shadow

Chapter 5: Causes

Chapter 6: Unfinished Business

Chapter 7: Dollars and Sense

Chapter 8: Hook, Line and Sinker

Chapter 9: Forever Hold Your Peace

Chapter 10: The End (Maybe)

Chapter 11: Mistaken Tendencies

Chapter 12: Prisons of Heredity

Chapter 13: Unplugged

Chapter 14: One Self

Chapter 15: A Bird’s Eye

Section II: Reparation

Chapter 16: The Mother of All Segues

Chapter 17: To Know When

Chapter 18: The Universal Game Piece: Da

Chapter 19: The Enduring I

Afterword

Expert Quotes at a Glance

Definition of Narcissism

Why Narcissists Rage as They Do

Why Narcissists Seek to Destroy Us

Level of Violence

Narcissists and the False Self

The Term: Gaslighting

The Term: Narcissistic Fleas

A Story of Hoovering

Narcissism in Historical Perspective

Dedications

This book is truly dedicated to the millions of sufferers of narcissistic abuse. Although Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) affects just a percentage of the overall population, its effects have destroyed lives all over this world. Social isolation is one of the biggest threats to victims of this type of abuse, which is why so many suffer silently. If this book helps one human being out their narcissist, or find the resolve to improve their situation, it has served its purpose. Nothing would make me happier than to learn that this book helped a reader find their own autonomous voice, the courage to reject the abuse and the will to live with love.

My mother, Rose-Aline Robb, never did get to fully comprehend what her marriage (to my narcissistic father) really did to her life. She was too busy trying to survive. However, our family was relieved to witness her enjoy her final years without the black cloud of narcissism over her shoulder. This book is also dedicated to other women in similar circumstances – that they may one day escape with much more time than my mom had in peace.

I also wish to acknowledge the other administrators of the Facebook group, Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse. They, like me, have dedicated a lot of time to keeping the discussion real, positive, and empowered (as much as possible). There, we have all learned just how much we have in common – through the sad lens of narcissistic abuse. Administrators were uniformly supportive of my journey in writing this book, from exultant to despairing. These words are partly for them.

And to you, the reader, I dedicate my story in the hope that it lends you the power to turn away from the dehumanization of knowing a narcissist. May you never contact it. If you do, may you emerge ever stronger and happier for your misfortune.

Introduction

It was a bizarre sight, even for a McDonald’s drive-thru: a white Jeep sitting about four feet from the order sign. The vehicle before it had ordered and moved forward, leaving plenty of space for the Jeep driver to advance. Of course (as always seems to be the case in this situation), the Jeep headed a long line of waiting vehicles.

Many normal, tolerant thoughts emerge first. He must be looking down and not realize the line has moved forward; he might be texting someone and will move up momentarily; geez, do not be so hard on the guy - he might even be in in a good conversation with his passenger. As this occurred on the West coast of Canada, those behind the Jeep were very polite. Clearly, they had presumed any, or all, of the above by default.

Thus, I waited for an appropriate amount of time for those possibilities to play out. They did not. I looked more closely, astonished to see the Jeep driver looking forward while talking to his passenger. He knew he needed to move up. Yet, he did not. This was so unusual that I decided to just watch. Here the Jeep sat, not able to order what it so clearly had come to McDonald’s to order, whatever that might be. His wish would simply not materialize in this moment, and he would continue to deny any vehicles behind him to just grab some breakfast and move forward. In fact, the driver in this vehicle appeared to not be engaged in anything that would facilitate progress.

Why the hell would someone do this? What could they possibly want?

The line behind me got longer and longer, and many drivers were shaking their heads. Indeed, this dude seemed to be building an audience. After about four minutes, I no longer cared for the driver’s wishes. I expressed my own and honked. Suddenly, the Jeep moved forward to order in less than five seconds (probably, Two small coffees, please…) and move right up to the pay window. Post-honk, the Jeep driver had behaved as someone would in a hurry, completely the opposite to his pre-honk persona.

What he wanted, much more than a coffee, was our attention. He had no care whatever of how he might be inconveniencing others with his strange behavior. This was a game, and we were his playthings. He would not let us eat until we noticed him on terms of his choosing. Only when he got that would he conduct himself appropriately. In this case, any attention qualified. It did not matter to the individual that I reacted negatively. This person was not as busy, or immersed, as he pretended to be. The moment was only about what he wished and how he would get it.

That is how narcissists behave. Before the reader guffaws and dismisses the relevance of it, consider how many people exhibit socially selfish behaviors that cross so many boundaries to disrespect. Their wishes trump all else, they are fantasizing about their omnipotence, and importance. How many such people appear to have no reason whatsoever, that we can observe, for possessing such glorification of self? In fact, I would bet a hypothetical dollar that your own reaction to these people has often been, Dead beat. That would constitute a natural, healthy reaction.

The man in the Jeep may have been a mild narcissist. Maybe he was nice but could display a dysfunctional degree of selfishness occasionally. In that case, it is clearly best to just dismiss the childishness and continue.

However, this book exists to define narcissism as a 21st-Century plague-in-the-making. Whether the individual is a closet nuisance, or a pathological destroyer of lives, humanity must recognize the potential of this societal scourge. Not all narcissists destroy lives, but they all make life harder for the rest of us. They feel completely entitled to do so, because they believe that they are innately superior to others. As the condition moves from mild to pathological on the continuum, narcissists represent a real threat to our happiness. Perhaps one way to access, and assess, the presence of narcissism is to evaluate the presence of unhealthy selfishness around us.

When a person pushes others’ buttons for attention, without any empathy at all, how can the individual be more kind? If the narcissist feels innately superior, how will he treat any other person as an equal, one whose needs are worth considering? How does he rehabilitate when his fantasy is his reality?

You are worn beyond anything you have ever before known. You feel so worthless, that you have no idea how you will possibly survive. He will not listen, and he continues to belittle all that you have done, now and in the past. He has become the bipolar opposite of the person who drew you into a fantasy. That was how the relationship started. He had to be the one, because no one has ever treated you with such respect and attentiveness. It seemed a dream, and it was. What you had was a projection, a manipulation from the start. Unfortunately, he began to change. He started to periodically overwhelm you with toxic criticism. Although he would apologize, it would happen again - always sooner than the previous time, and more severely. In fact, he would so often accuse you of exactly what he was doing, then claim that you made it all up. Over time, you began to wonder if you were losing your mind. How could someone, who so praised your every move, find so much fault with your very humanity? How could you be so wrong?

You never were wrong. You had become horribly detached from your own humanity. I understand.

The bad news is you are in the grip of a narcissistic relationship - that is, a relationship in which one person's narcissism infects an innocent. The good news is the end of a narcissistic relationship begins when you recommit to loving yourself. Become whole. Become true to you, and the narcissist has no option but to depart. That is exactly what he will do, very quickly. When he has no more access to your praising behavior, your narcissist will disappear like a fart in a hurricane. There is hope.

The brightest prognosis lies in information and insight. This book is for those of you who want, more than anything, to find that peace, love, and hope. To even use such positive language may seem counterintuitive at this point but keep reading.

The concept of narcissism reaches back to Greek mythology. It is that old, but it is not that simple. Narcissism is present in all individuals, to a healthy degree. It goes wrong when a human being begins to feel inherently worthier than others without justification, when that individual sees in his own image a kind of untouchable perfection. At the pathological level, narcissists are completely devoid of human empathy. They literally do not care about other human beings, or the damage they inflict on those innocent people. At their worst, narcissists can become monsters. They do not mean to be. It is just that they cannot grasp that they are anything less than divinely perfect. In the narcissist's world, criticism has no reason to exist; human failing does not apply to them; anyone who dares question that is to be overwhelmed, dominated, or destroyed. This is no ordinary challenge.

Ultimately, the narcissistic character is rooted in irony. He, or she, developed a false self, which was perfected in response to imbalanced parenting (overly indulgent, or neglectful and abusive), genetic disposition and time. Mostly, narcissists are broken children. In that context, they can be pitied their breakage. They psychically split from themselves, at an early age, to create a perfect fantasy image of self, which is impenetrable and immune from criticism. Unfortunately, narcissists take out their catastrophic feelings of inadequacy on an unsuspecting world.

That is why victims of narcissism struggle as they do. They live with a galaxy of lies hatched in the narcissist's brain, so he (or she) can maintain the fantastic false self. To lose touch with that is to die. That is why narcissists fight so viciously for their false identities. They are the only ones in the world that narcissists really have. It is a cruel charade, played out in the mind of one and inflicted on the rest of society. Our world is merely an endless fuel of narcissistic supply (the toxin that sustains them and kills you). You are the chosen one, ordained to lose yourself in the command of the narcissist's every whim and fantasy. That is why you exist (to him and to him alone). Luckily, victims of narcissism function in our world. It is just that a narcissist has stolen it and replaced it with his (or her) twisted universe. The predominant belief, in the medical world, is that relationships with narcissists are fraught with trouble (if not doomed) from the start, and medical professionals universally advise victims to reconsider those relationships - for their own good. Leaving is not the only option, but it does represent the freshest start. It can take a while for victims to plug themselves back in after the carnage is done, but it is entirely possible. From immense struggle emerges a new being who, if repaired properly, will never again be rapaciously exploited by a narcissist.

Sound good? Then, get seditious. Read on. I am willing to bet you find yourself in my own story, so much that you may wonder if we are related! We are. Experiencing the blunt force of narcissism puts you in very select company, for only very special people end up where you are right now. You just need to recognize that you are loving, and special. You deserve so much more than any narcissist’s limited capacities. You may not be in any shape to really believe that now; you are just too beaten down. If so, let us make a deal. Do this: take your favorite garment, or even one in which you are most comfortable, and put it on a special coat hanger. That will be the new you. Take care of it. Try it on for size. Wash it, care for it, treat it with the love that you deserve. On the dark days, cuddle with it and cry. It is there for you.

One day, that beautiful ware will just be something to put on to the whole new you.

Narcissism is such a threat to society because of the massive collateral damage that is done by narcissists. They tend to influence a great many relationships, and those who are disordered have a profound adverse impact on those relationships. As of this writing, less than one in 10 Americans is afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Tragically, though, that minority influences the life trajectories of the millions whom they manipulate.

Unfortunately, any book about narcissism must contain some degree of speculation. Victims, once the narcissist is finished with them, are often so beaten down as to believe that they are beyond help (or worse still, not worthy of it). Finding them treatment can be challenging. Researchers have struggled to find narcissists to study, because the narcissist considers himself to be too perfect for mere mortals. Doctors cannot perfect medical treatments for patients who would dispute that they even have a problem. Parents of narcissists may feel shame for their offspring and, as a result, may be less forthcoming about addressing the problem. People who are unaware of narcissism, as a social problem, may be forgiven for thinking of narcissists as monsters of selfishness. The question, then, is that of turning a picture of despair into acts of optimism.

Put simply, society has no idea (yet) of what to do with narcissism. At this point, we can only learn, discuss, and explore ideas for remedy. The purpose of this book is to immerse readers in my own experience with a narcissist and to examine the kinds of thoughts and behaviors that constitute hope for resolution.

The Red Flags of Narcissism

Narcissism is present in all humans, but a disproportionate presence of certain symptoms defines an individual’s level of narcissism on a spectrum. Not all people who display narcissistic tendencies have full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

However, here are the criteria that we use to identify the possibility of personality-disordered narcissism:

Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance.

Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration.

Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it.

Exaggerate achievements and talents.

Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the perfect mate.

Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people.

Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior.

Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations.

Take advantage of others to get what they want.

Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.

Be envious of others and believe others envy them.

Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful, and pretentious.

Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.

In addition, people with disordered narcissism tend to react to perceived criticism in the following ways:

Become impatient or angry when they do not receive special treatment.

Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted.

React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior.

Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior.

Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.

Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.

Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability, and humiliation.

(Source: The Mayo Clinic)

Advice from The Mayo Clinic is both practical and wise:

"People with narcissistic personality disorder may not want to think that anything could be wrong, so they may be unlikely to seek treatment. If they do seek treatment, it is more likely to be for symptoms of depression, drug or alcohol use, or another mental health problem. But perceived insults to self-esteem may make it difficult to accept and follow through with treatment.

"If you recognize aspects of your personality that are common to narcissistic personality disorder or you are feeling overwhelmed by sadness, consider reaching out to a trusted doctor or mental health provider. Getting the right treatment can help make your life more rewarding and enjoyable."

Section I: Destruction

Chapter 1: Ready or Not

Facebook's reach applied to my interest in catching up with two of my old friends, Bud and Jackie. I had gone to school with Bud and had a high school band with him. He and I became good friends, for a time the best of friends. Naturally, I took a brotherly interest when he gleefully told me about this cool girl he had just met, named Jackie. In the early 1980s, he took me to meet her at the end of her shift at a fried chicken joint. I could immediately see that they were a match. I thought Jackie was fabulous and communicated this to my friend. Several short years later, Bud and Jackie married. Then, they started a family.

Due to external circumstances, we fell out of touch. However, in 2008, I had returned to playing drums after a 25-year hiatus. Initially, I tried out a set of drum pads to just see if there was a reason to proceed any further. As push came to determination, my chops slowly returned. Delighted, I wanted to see if I could locate my old friend. Shortly afterwards, we met at his residence in our shared city. It was a wonderful reunion. After a lot of summarizing about what you've been up to, I settled on mentioning to Bud my private return to playing. He, as I suspected, had never stopped playing guitar and bass over all those intervening years. Bud had gone into audio production as a career and had continued to do gigs. Music was his world. Therefore, he was interested to learn that I had rotated back to it. I made clear my desire to jam with him again if he was interested (and if my chops remained). He gave it the thumbs-up, and we did indeed jam again.

Over a nice dinner one night, the three of us conversed about a whole bunch