Through It All I'm Still Standing...Bringing Awareness To Narcissistic Personality Disorder And Emotional Abuse

By Towanna Hogue

 "Through It All I'm Still Standing" chronicles Towanna Hogue's life-changing journey of self-discovery, addressing the trials of being a cancer survivor, navigating narcissistic abuse, and juggling roles as a caregiver, wife, mother, daughter, and trailblazer. The narrative delves into the complexities of love, abuse, loss, endurance, faith, and triumphs.

 

This memoir is not just a personal account but a powerful exploration of mental health awareness, shedding light on conditions like depression, PTSD, anxiety, and narcissistic personality disorder. Towanna bravely tackles various forms of abuse, emphasizing the significance of emotional, verbal, and financial abuse, often minimized but equally impactful.

 

The narrative aims to resonate with those facing similar challenges, offering insights into marriage, divorce, cancer, and loss. Towanna's goal is to dismantle misconceptions surrounding mental health, eradicating stigma while encouraging individuals and families to confront the effects of these pervasive issues.

 

"Through It All I'm Still Standing" is a beacon of hope, presented from the outset through its design featuring the yellow lotus flower. Symbolizing personal growth, the yellow lotus serves as an analogy for resilience – growing in deep mud, far from the sun, yet reaching the light to become a beautiful flower. The memoir's underlying message is clear: never let anyone diminish your worth; practice self-love, knowing that despite challenges, you too can stand tall.

 

Towanna Hogue's candid narrative invites readers to confront their own struggles and find solace in the journey toward healing. Her hope is that this memoir provides a source of inspiration and encouragement for those facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Towanna Hogue
• Release date: Aug 4, 2020
• ISBN: 9781735052519

Towanna Hogue

Towanna Hogue is a mother of three who resides in the suburbs of Atlanta, GA. As a lifelong writer, she first began writing poems and short stories in college. She wrote a memoir titled "Through It All I'm Still Standing...Bringing Awareness to Narcissist Personality Disorder and Emotional Abuse. She is a survivor in more ways than one. She has also written several magazine articles on celebrities, athletes, and societal issues. She is now a magazine publisher for Empower Atlanta Magazine.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

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This is a story about experiencing love, trials, tribulations, abuse, loss, strength, endurance, faith, triumphs, and deliverance. It’s about feeling like all hope is lost but remembering to have faith because there is a God that will cover you and see you through—remembering that he will make a way out of no way as long as you are patient and have faith. It might not be when you want it, but he is always on time.

I wanted to bring awareness to mental illnesses, such as depression, PTSD, anxiety, and narcissistic personality disorder. I also wanted to discuss the many forms of abuse that are sometimes minimized but are just as unacceptable as any other form of abuse, such as emotional, verbal, and financial abuse. I shared stories of challenges that were faced and were overcome by getting help and support from family, friends, doctors, attorneys, even strangers.

As women, we sometimes lose ourselves by pouring so much into marriages, relationships, jobs, and our children with nothing being poured back into ourselves. Make time for yourself and enjoy life. It took me a long time to realize that it is ok to be selfish and put myself first once in a while. Whether it is taking the time to read a book, go out to a nice restaurant, travel, or just taking a hot bath to relax and have a moment to yourself. Tomorrow is not promised, so live your life today with no regrets. When you become stressed out and feel overwhelmed, you are not doing anyone any good. It doesn’t help yourself or your family. Every woman needs some me time!

Love, talk to and treat others how you want to be loved, talked to, and treated. You reap what you sow! Karma is real! We all make mistakes, and that is ok. Your mistakes should become life lessons, which means you should learn from them and try to become a better version of yourself!

When you start loving yourself and knowing your worth, you will not deal with anyone disrespecting you or allowing anyone to hurt or abuse you ever again. Remember, hurt people hurt people! You cannot help someone who can never admit they are wrong. You cannot change anyone who does not want to be changed. Change only comes when you see the error of your ways, and you want better for yourself and those around you.

The biggest lesson I have learned personally is to forgive myself and forgive those who have hurt me. Being hurt and angry doesn’t hurt anyone but yourself. It can also cause certain illnesses and some that are life-threatening. You deserve so much more out of life. Free your mind and your heart from hurt and pain. Embrace love, happiness, and peace.

I will share the story of a woman who suffered loss, survived cancer, an abusive marriage, learned how to eliminate unnecessary stressors, and how it ultimately saved her life. She learned that a peace of mind is priceless. She realized that once she found peace, dysfunction would be unwelcome in every part of her life.

Many women are victims of abuse and find it painful and embarrassing. They tend to feel broken, weak, insecure, and are unable to share their stories. I believe a woman should never feel this way. If anything, the abuser should experience those feelings and never a victim. Only a cowardly boy portraying himself as a man could ever hurt, disrespect or make a woman feel like anything less than the beautiful Queen she is! I once suffered from emotional abuse and did not realize it while I was enduring it. When it was good, it was great, but when situations became bad, it was horrible. When I was younger, for whatever reason, emotional abuse was never discussed or even considered a real reason to leave a marriage. I felt lost and confused, but finally realized no form of abuse is welcomed or ok.

I learned giving away my power meant that I was allowing someone to rob me of my mental strength and stability! I have my power back, and I am keeping it! I know the importance of my self-worth. It is a wonderful feeling to have overcome so many challenges life has dealt me. I now feel empowered, compelled to help others, blessed, loved, joyful, and, most of all, at peace!

I pray my book will help someone else that is dealing with divorce, loss, hopelessness, depression, anxiety, PTSD, illness, and abuse. Or has dealt with any of these issues and are still stuck in a bad place. I want you to know there is hope, happiness, prosperity, and a life to live after it all! I have experienced all of this and more. By the grace of God, Through It All I’m Still Standing! You will too!

The yellow lotus flower on the book cover is symbolic of my personal growth. The flower grows in deep mud, far away from the sun. But eventually, it reaches the light becoming the most beautiful flower ever. The flower is seen in different cultures as a symbol of purity, enlightenment, and rebirth. I felt this flower is truly a representation of me! I have been dragged through the dirtiest and muddiest of all waters (life), but through it all, it made me a better, selfless, stronger, and beautiful woman who stands tall in every sense of the word.

PART I

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IN THE BEGINNING

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CHAPTER 1

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THE COURTSHIP

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Ladies, have you ever met a tall, dark, and handsome gentleman and felt an instant attraction to him both mentally and physically? You felt deep in your heart that there was something special and magical between the two of you. You could talk to him about any and everything for hours at a time. You knew you could create an amazing journey in life together. Therefore, you end up marrying your knight in shining armor.

Only one day, to realize the fantasy is no more. You were love bombed and are now living a total nightmare with this man! You have lost yourself and feel all alone as well as embarrassed. You don’t understand how it got to this point or how to walk away. How did this previously wonderful man have a narcissistic personality disorder? How did I not see it? How could something that felt so right be so horribly wrong? How do I acquire the strength to end our marriage? Am I responsible for breaking up our supposedly happy home? How will our children look at me? Will they be angry or ok? Or will they just learn how to adapt well to change?

We met at a party and were introduced by a mutual friend by the name of Rena. His name was Marvin Alexander. Ladies, he was perfect in my eyes! She told me he came from a good family. She went on to tell me that his parents were together and happily married. Rena said, He is a great catch! We danced the night away. He could not take his eyes off of me. I was drawn in by his masculinity. We exchanged numbers. He didn’t want the night to end and neither did I. It felt like a magical moment in time that I wanted to last forever.

We started dating and truly enjoyed each others company. Marvin had told me he had a daughter from a woman that he was not in a relationship with when the child was born. He said that he could never truly commit to her mother but was very much devoted to his daughter. At first, I didn’t know if I wanted to become involved with a man who had a young child. But, I enjoyed seeing his face light up with pure joy when he talked about her. My life did not have any complications, issues, or drama, and I was truly happy. During this time of my life, I did not want to become a mom. I did not want the responsibility, nor did I think I would be a good mother. However, I was falling in love with this man.

One day Marvin introduced me to this beautiful little girl named Nicole that was full of personality. She was very well-mannered and respectful. Him being a good father was the very thing that attracted me to Marvin even more. He opened my eyes to the possibility of having a family of my own one day. Unfortunately, I did not grow up with my dad in my life, so it was warming to my heart to watch him with her.

We had fun together! I enjoyed doing everything with him. I also loved the way he would stare at me. As if I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He courted and pursued me. There was a desire that we both felt and never wanted to leave each others side. I longed to be next to him every single day and night. He made it very clear that I was the only woman in the world for him. We were happy and very much in love with one another.

Years later, he told me he knew from the very moment we met that I was going to be his wife. If he would have told me that early on in our relationship, I probably would have run. He thought I would have loved him saying those words to me, but it would have scared me. Looking back now, I wish he had. It would have saved me so many years of heartache and pain.

CHAPTER 2 

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THE START OF OUR NEW FAMILY

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Marvin and I had gone on a trip to the mountains. It was there that he proposed and said he wanted me to become his wife. I was honored to become Mrs. Sasha Alexander. We decided to go to the courthouse and get married immediately. We renewed our vows a year later in front of our family and friends.

One day, I was feeling tired and extremely sick. I could not keep anything on my stomach. The day of February 13th changed my life forever. I will never forget that date. That was the day we found out we were expecting a bundle of joy! I did not know how to feel about it or if I was ready for it all. I felt like we were moving way too fast. I knew he always wanted a big family. I was open to it, but not so soon. I wanted more time to enjoy us just the way we were.

I needed time to process everything. I could not breathe. I felt overwhelmed and scared out of my mind. However, Marvin was ecstatic! He was overwhelmed with joy and all I felt was fear. After we left the doctor’s office, we went over to his mother’s house, and he blurted out, We are having a baby! I was shocked. I was not prepared at all to be outed so soon, nor had I fully processed the realization of having a baby. I hadn’t even told my mother and grandmother yet. I tell my sister, Layla, everything. She doesn’t even know, but he told his mother.

I was outraged. How could Marvin just blurt those words out? I am the one carrying this baby. He should have respected how I was feeling at that moment. I felt like he was acting a bit selfish, and this wasn’t about him; it was about us. He could have given me some time to adjust to finding out I was about to become a new mother. He was already a father and was able to adjust quickly. I was scared, emotional, and needed to talk to and be comforted by my grandmother. I needed to be reassured that everything would be ok. Instead, I put on a brave face and smiled. I never told him how his insensitivity bothered me. I took one for the team and let him have his moment to shine.

When we arrived at my grandmother’s house, I tried to hold back my tears. But, she knew something was wrong with me despite my best efforts. Memomma and I have this bond to where she knew my thoughts before I had even spoken one word. It’s like a look into each others eyes, an unspoken word that says everything. Before I could utter a word, he blurted it out again, We are having a baby! My grandmother smiled and held me tight. She told me she was happy for us and would be there to support us with anything that we may need. Then she whispered into my ear that everything would be alright, and it was.

I don’t know if it were the baby itself that scared me or if it were me believing I would not be a good mother. I questioned if I could be a selfless, caring, loving, nurturing mom who would always put my child’s needs before my very own. I had been single and living alone for a while. I wasn’t used to sharing my space with anyone and was still adjusting to sharing it with Marvin.

I was sick throughout my entire pregnancy. Even the taste of toothpaste made me sick. Marvin was right by my side. Loving and kissing on my belly. He talked to my stomach every evening when he returned home from work wanting to make sure our baby recognized his voice. He also made sure I had everything I was craving day and night. I did not have to lift a finger to do anything. He took very good care of us and made it easy to adjust to being an expectant mother.

One night, we were invited to a card party at one of his friend’s house. I loved playing spades from back in my old college days. Marvin had sat down to play with three other people. I sat down across the room on a sofa because it was the only space available. I was patiently waiting for my turn to play. He kept looking at me strangely. I was pregnant and tired, but I knew he wanted a night out to enjoy ourselves before our baby was born. After the game was over, he said, Can I talk to you for a moment? I said, Ok. We walked away from everyone and went inside the bathroom. He closed the door with this strange look on his face. He said, Why were you sitting over there? I said, Because there was nowhere else to sit. He said, You should have been by my side! I said, You were playing cards, and there was no room for me. He said, Then you should have sat on my lap! I said, Are you kidding me? You were sitting at a card table. What difference does it make anyway where I was sitting as long as I was there with you?

At this point, I walked out of the bathroom, ready to go home, and we did. I didn’t pay much attention to Marvin’s behavior that night. Looking back on it now, it was a red flag. He was so insecure that I needed to sit on his lap to prove to his friends that I was his. How much more proof did he need? I was carrying his baby.

I was put on bed rest very early on in the second trimester of my pregnancy. Marvin made sure I was comfortable and did everything the doctor told me to do. He fulfilled every request with no questions asked. I was nauseous all day every day. It didn’t stop until the third trimester. My feet stayed swollen. This baby had taken over every inch of my body, but I enjoyed every moment of it.

I was delighted during this time of my life. Marvin went to almost every doctor’s appointment with me. If he could not, my grandmother was with me. I never felt alone. Marvin catered to all my needs. I didn’t have to do much of anything besides relax and enjoy our baby growing inside of me. I had even decided to get baptized again during this pregnancy. I wanted this baby covered and blessed by God in every way possible.

We told the doctor that we wanted to wait to find out the sex of the baby. We tried, but the suspense was killing us! The doctor gave us a videotape that we could watch at any time or just wait until the baby was born. I didn’t last three hours but didn’t tell him I knew. Marvin didn’t last 24-hours, but I acted like I was surprised with him as we watched it together. I was elated, seeing how happy this baby made him feel. I felt better each day about becoming a new mom because I knew Marvin was an amazing dad. He was doing everything right in my eyes. I was glowing with this large baby bump growing daily.

One day I wanted to go out and visit my grandmother. I decided to drive Marvin’s car because it got better gas mileage than my car did. Plus, I was starting to like it more than my own car. I had a new sports car that was low to the ground, and it became difficult for me to get in and out of. I had gained a lot of weight and was more comfortable driving his car because it was a sedan. It was a beautiful day. I was happy to get out of the house. I signaled to get onto the highway and noticed there was a lot of traffic. I drove a few miles then suddenly; I crashed his car. I was in a seven-car pileup on the highway. I was the fourth car. I started to panic because I didn’t know if the baby and I were hurt.

I thank God that we came out of the accident without being injured. I didn’t have not one scratch or bruise on me. I felt lower abdominal pressure but they were only false labor pains called Braxton Hicks contractions. Unfortunately, I did start suffering from anxiety attacks. I would panic any time I had to drive on the highway. My heart would start racing and I would have difficulty breathing. I didn’t even know there was such a thing and never understood what was happening mentally to me when I had to drive. It only happened on the highway or interstate, especially when a vehicle was too close to me or in high traffic areas. I never told anyone. I just suffered in silence.

A couple of months went by, and I had developed toxemia. My doctor decided to induce my labor. Marvin, Memomma, and Layla were in the delivery room with me. Our baby was born a couple of weeks early. Marvin cut the umbilical cord. We ended up having a 7 lbs. 3 oz. baby boy.

Marvin took the baby instantly and started posing with the doctor taking pictures with him. The staff was still taking care of my medical needs and cleaning me off. He finally brought the baby over for me to see and hold. I held him in my arms, and it was love at first sight! I never knew love like this before. Our baby was more than I could have ever dreamed of. We decided to name him Marcus.

I was so in love with this child. I wanted to hold him in my arms forever. I now loved being a mother and having someone totally dependent on me! The smell of our baby and how fragile he was made me feel like I would nurture and protect him forever! I bonded with our baby even more by breastfeeding him. We ended up having him christened. He was blessed in front of the church by our pastor, with family and friends standing by our side. That was an incredible occasion! Marcus was so beautiful and a perfect bundle of joy!

CHAPTER 3

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DID I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION?

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Afew months later, Marvin and I decided to relocate to Washington, DC. We moved 10 hours away from our family and friends with our new baby. We worked very well together with balancing work and family life. Everything was perfect until it wasn’t. Marvin was an awesome dad and incredibly supportive. As soon as he got home from work, he would take the baby to give me some time to myself. He helped around the house. It was everything that family life should be.

We had to drive back home to Indianapolis, IN, because one of my best friends and soror named Olivia was getting married. I was in the wedding party. I don’t think he wanted to go, but he knew how important it was to me. We drove over 10 hours. Our son Marcus was restless the entire drive. I had to sit in the backseat to comfort him when he needed to be held and breastfed.

I was exhausted! We rested for about an hour. My grandmother offered to keep Marcus to give us some alone time, allow us to relax, and get some uninterrupted sleep. I