Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men

By Nicholl McGuire

You are no longer interested in appeasing the abusive men in your family or outside of it. You are unhappy with the examples of so-called good men you heard about or grew up with. You know what is right from what is wrong and spending time with abusive men is not something you want to do any longer. However, how do you keep yourself safe from the evil that roams in men who wear warm smiles, give approving head nods and confident handshakes? We live in a society that often praises these socially sweet men who are privately cruel. We are taken by them! Our daughters get involved with these gentlemen, mothers adore them, children trust them, and our families will welcome them into their homes without a second thought. Many of these closet abusers are on our television screens, living in our neighborhoods or seated nearby at work. If you are a single woman considering dating someone on or offline for the first time or currently in a turbulent relationship, you need to get this book. These charming men are strategic, smart, and have already studied you like a book. They know what will make you grab hold of them and not want to let them go. If you are tired of being used and abused by these charmers, then let this writer not only bring awareness to the illusion that abusers create but help you understand who they are, how they get what they want and what you can do to stop losing and start winning! This book provides many of Nicholl's personal experiences and wise observations of how gullible women become victims of dating and domestic violence. This book contains comprehensive knowledge about various types of abusive men. In addition, readers are encouraged to take a deeper look at many signs of power and control that abusive men use to get their selfish needs met. Let this writer bring a new perspective on what many single and divorced women least expect and that is connecting with an emotionally and/or physically abusive charmer.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nicholl McGuire
• Release date: Sep 22, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311958167

Nicholl McGuire

A native of Pittsburgh PA and a transplant in Southern California, Nicholl McGuire is the author of "Laboring to Love Myself," "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate," "When Mothers Cry," and other books. Nicholl runs a home-based business, Nicholl McGuire Media, providing writing and publishing services for individuals and businesses in need of website and blog content, family memoirs, visual presentations, clerical tasks, and more. Nicholl has been publishing online since 2007. Her work has appeared on eHow, Hub Pages, College Central, Axis of Logic, Natural Beauty Secret, Street Articles, Bukisa, Authors Den, and many other websites and blogs. Nicholl attended Point Park University and took classes in Journalism and Communications. In addition to writing, she offers spiritual wisdom on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7. A born again Christian believer, survivor of domestic violence and a mother of four sons, Nicholl is a woman who definitely knows about the challenges of loving one's self and others.

Book preview

Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel

Abusive Men

Published by Nicholl McGuire Media at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition

copyright 2015 by Nicholl McGuire

Smashwords License Statement

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient.

If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This book is dedicated to the women who have survived

dating and domestic violence as well as those

who are still laboring to love abusive mates.

I have known many seemingly sweet men, who are really private abusers,

and I pray that God will handle them accordingly.

You reap what you sow.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter One: Public Charmers, Private Abusers

Chapter Two: Silly Women

Chapter Three: The Bait and Switch Trick

Chapter Four: He Loves Me

Chapter Five: The Other Women

Chapter Six: Break Up to Make Up

Chapter Seven: Selfish Men: No Marriage, Children

Chapter Eight: Pretty Boys Get Pretty Toys

Chapter Nine: Demons Who Feed Male Midlife Crisis

Chapter Ten: The Blame Game: Who is really at Fault?

Chapter Eleven: Control, Ignore, Silence and More Mess

Chapter Twelve: The Exit Plan

Closing

Other Books by Nicholl

INTRODUCTION

They were in my family, at school, in college, at the church, in the civic groups, in the night clubs, and everywhere I seemed to go, men with a dark side. It didn’t matter whether they were young or old, these were gentlemen in the public, but behind closed doors they were freaks, crazy, hot-tempered, strange, depressed, and scary.

I should have known not to smile and converse with these men, but I did. Between their toothy grins and their tongues slithering like snakes between pauses, they would compliment me with a, How are you young lady? Hello beautiful...Wow, you're gorgeous! Available as well as unavailable men would lick their lips, sometimes look me in my eyes, or stare off into space as if looking through me. These strange, lust-filled men had stories to tell from the old battle wounds they wore on faces, on arms, tops of hands, and anywhere else they chose to expose. I was watching their mannerisms and listening to their smooth speeches. A few too many drinks and the stories of fights, traumatic experiences, and heartbreak would come from talkative lips. It was as if someone flipped a switch on these once nice guys. I bought her so much, says one man about his ex-lover. I wanted us to make it, I really trusted her, says another. I'm not the marrying type, admits a bachelor.

Now before I get into my personal observations of charmers, I must say that every sweet-talking guy is not a cheater and isn't out playing mind games on anyone he can find, contrary to popular belief. People grow as they mature and some men will simply throw their hands up on the games and choose to make better decisions; so my focus is not on those individuals who are simply friendly or deemed the nice guys. Instead, we are looking at a number of aspects about men who are seemingly nice in public, yet privately abusive. Most women won't be able to know if they have closet abusers on their hands simply by looking at them and listening to their banal dating lines. There are a number of rare ladies who can read people. They are spiritually discerning, but sometimes even they will overlook a wolf in sheep's clothing for a night of fun.

The early signs a man might be abusive are mentioned in this book. You will find yourself looking out for any indication that a person in your life or coming in the future is going to a problem for you. Some indicators include: blame, rants, negative demeanor, and frequent talk about wanting sex, disrespect of boundaries, jealousy, and controlling ways. Many of these signs will be explained in detail using examples, personal experience, and other helpful advice.

Around the web you will find issues related to domestic violence, it is still very much a problem to date. One in every four women experience domestic violence in her lifetime. An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. 85% of domestic violence victims are women. You will find plenty more statistics at the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) Public Policy Office located in Washington D.C.

My early encounters with the privately abusive, public charming types were when I was a child. Feeling like something just wasn’t quite right with the players, pimps and hustlers in my own family, I never felt completely comfortable with them. Lucky for me, I didn't witness them beat down their women because according to the NCADV, Witnessing violence between one's parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next...30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household.

What I did know was that I had uncles and great uncles who often spent their time doing God knows what out in the streets. Their children were labeled bad and their girlfriends were called crazy by other relatives. Some of these women walked around with markings on faces and elsewhere. The men would periodically stop by my grandmother’s home and aunts' households as if they were angels, Hello, how are you Mother…What’s for dinner? Love the way you look today…You got $5, God bless. Once a couple sweet-talking uncles got what they wanted, they would soon leave. Oftentimes their requests for money and medicine would start arguments with my late grandmother, because she knew them well and she wasn't feeding into their sweet smiles and displays of affection unlike their naive lovers who had yet to learn them. Those gullible ladies, who I referred to as Ms. or Miss, would eventually get burned by my relatives' slick ways. I would see them during the 1980's and 90's around town or they would return to my grandmother's residence for a seat at her table eating meals and fresh desserts while looking so sad.

Other male relatives didn't come around family often. I would see them sometimes during holidays, reunions or funeral receptions. However, when they did, they weren't looking for something from their mothers/aunts/sisters, because they had enough women that cooked, cleaned, clothed, and cared for them. They would just show up, express their concerns and eat meals. Sometimes I would overhear family members complain about the charmers telling lies and bragging every now and again about their latest finds like women.

As a young girl, I got an idea of what some male relatives' business was by the way they dressed, what they requested from relatives, and how they left in a rush after they got whatever they needed. These immoral men (drug users, angry abusers, liars, and thieves too) weren’t the least bit interested in being anyone’s role model. They were more concerned about getting their fleshly desires met by any means necessary. A few didn't mind asking children for money and others didn't care about involving the innocent in their guilty pleasures and illegal activities.

Secretly, I felt uneasy when these men came around, sometimes ashamed especially if they were dressed strangely, hair undone and reeked. Other times I felt angry and was not one of the kids that went along just to get along. As I grew older, my flesh really started to crawl when I could see through these walking dead men's lies and they knew what I thought about them by the way I looked at them and responded. Yet, every now and then, they attempted to distract me from my staring at them with a smile and a wink, Hey girl, how’s school? What’s up? You think you can fix my plate...What's that you playing with? I wasn’t stupid. I didn’t smile, I just looked at them. I knew what they were up to even if other relatives and family friends didn’t know any better or cared.

I admit that as I write I still have some anger for those men (dead and alive) who live double lives. These public charmers/private abusers, (many of which are now deceased from living fast lives), were just not good people no matter what relatives had claimed.

The old as well as young charmers were permitted to play mind games with anyone they met in the presence of their relatives and often were not instructed on how to love, but how to cheat and lie. Some were taught to play those who specifically didn't look or talk like them while not harming your brothers. No one in the family said anything to the unsuspecting unless they were at risk of being caught up in the players' madness. So if you were light, bright and damn near white or Caucasian in my family, you were definitely at risk of being played like a fiddle, someone was going to figure out a way to have fun with your emotions and talk you into going into your wallet and Give me, Let me hold a few dollars... or Check it out, you think you can loan me...I'll give it back...I swear. Back during my childhood, the co-dependents, who wanted to feel good about their selves and look good in the eyes of loved ones, gave out money to the charming addicts, crazies, and liars in the family while talking badly about them behind their backs.

As long as the newcomer to the family was the one being hurt by the manipulators' words and actions, and not kin, then it was …all good, okay…God bless…Take care! It's not my business. She will find him out one day...Don't worry, she will discover what Unc is really about...Stay in a child's place, mind your own business! What kind of dysfunctional family was this who didn't sound the alarm on the foolishness? Who gives someone the pass on breaking every commandment in the Holy Book and calls themselves a parent/teacher/evangelist/partner/Christian/Muslim? I couldn’t help but form my own judgments as I continued to watch these public charmers/private abusers play their share of mind games on victims.

Public charmers tend to talk more than necessary, but behind closed doors they don't have too much to say because it is a lot of work to keep track of their own lies, exaggerations, and promises to those closest to them. The charming man (or woman) is going to display a warm and friendly attitude with everyone they meet especially with attractive people to get their desires met. The son or daughter learns from his or her player father or other male relatives. The children's father is educated by his womanizing grandfather and so on.

Hey there Sweetheart...What's your name? Who is keeping you company? You have time for a lonely man seeking a beautiful woman like you? Let me get your phone number. It doesn't matter that the cool, collected player, pimp, hustler, or desperate single or unavailable man is supposed to be getting on with his day. He is going to hold someone else up with his meaningless chatter and flattery taking great care to look up and down at his victim while wetting his dry lips. He is reading that unsuspecting man or woman like a book and before long, he knows his or her weaknesses and strengths.

Is that your car? Wow, that's nice. I like those shoes, Lady. Would you like some more like that? How about you come with me, I can get you into that club. You need someone to fix your car, let me help you with that. You have a nice smile...you wearing that dress, I must confess haven't met a dame like you to put me to test, stop settling for less. I can give you my best. The charmer has quite a few tricks up his sleeve. With a wink, a smile, and a walk with him, and before long the most sophisticated woman is caught off guard. It isn't long before she finds herself in the nude lying on the gentleman's sheets while hoping that he calls her tomorrow.

Face the Reality: You May Have Been a Victim

Don't think that the player, pimp, hustler, or obscure man isn't intimidated by highly intelligent, successful kings and queens and other authoritarians, because many are and this is why they have to find a way to break them down, take what they want while feeling good inside that once again they knocked someone out of the limelight.

Offended, competitive men, who are use to combat whether at home or away, make up for their weaknesses with quick verbal retorts and/or angry fists. As you read this book, many faces you have met over your lifetime will come up. Some might be relatives and others current or former friends, but avoid the temptation to want to downplay or throw away what you know to be true about these individuals. Chances are you have been played by them and your mind may not want to face this reality. That's my buddy, he wouldn't do that...I love my man. He's my favorite uncle, he wouldn't...My dad isn't like that...I don't think he would--use or control people, you might say. That's what you believe, but what might the victims of their games wearing scars on hearts and possibly bodies say?

These tricky men are skilled at what they do. Most women who have been intimate with these charmers (or best friends with them) may have once been number one for a time, but when the newness and freshness wears off, the players' eyes are roaming and so are their feet until something shakes up their game like: health woes, financial problems, bad reputation, jail time, death of a spouse, unemployment, etc. then they will stick around their family for a time, be good and responsible for a season, until all is better again.

Some men will retire from their game-playing while other men will increase their game-changing ways once health and/or wealth are restored. This is why you and those you love should be guarded if a man with a known history of swindling people says he changed, the likelihood of this, while he stills has his wealth and health, is highly improbable. Men like this are good for having a jail house faith, but a worldly lifestyle upon release. They will promise to never do that again, but when no one is looking they will be tempted and will often go through with whatever has captivated their flesh. Those who actually return back to their evil ways did so, because they never truly felt convicted from the start of their so-called eye-opening experience, and since many charmers are cold-hearted, they really don't believe their misdeeds are that bad.

The Effects of Being with a Nasty Charmer

You may have experienced or witnessed the damaging effects of these I am so fresh, good, sexy, perfect... types and at times hated being around them but as a result of being abused by these males your personality might have changed and not necessarily for the better. Therefore, some relatives and friends may not find you as nice or kind since connecting with an abusive lover or partner.

After one gets to know these closet abusers, they do not bring out your best emotions which makes it difficult to continue be the nice person you once were prior to getting your heart broken in a million pieces by them. If anything you find yourself, doubting most of what comes out of their nasty mouths (some of them are nice looking, but their teeth are terrible!) You can't ever believe what these charmers tell you, because you have busted them telling so many lies and now you have problems trusting others. While staying connected with these abusers, you might find yourself also short-tempered, impatient, blaming, often ready to fight, have a negative attitude, controlling, easily jealous, critical, prideful, etc. You may have had your share of disputes with these selfish men or said nothing out of fear, yet took your anger out on others. In Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin, a self-proclaimed narcissist, the author describes the egoist, He is able to provoke in his milieu, in his casual acquaintances, even in his psychotherapist, the strongest, most avid and furious hatred and revulsion. To his shock, indignation and consternation, he invariably induces in others unbridled aggression.

As you will read in this book, many public charming men are secretly mean-spirited, often angry and at times demonic wanting very much to kill their victims especially when no one is watching. Keep hanging out with them and you will