Say Goodbye to Dad: A Survival Guide to Breaking Free from Toxic Emotional Ties

By Nicholl McGuire

Emotionally absent, physically distant fathers do not realize the significance of having a healthy relationship with children until it's too late. If you have ever experienced an unhealthy connection with your Dad or know someone who has been struggling with this, then you know what it feels like to be controlled, repeatedly rejected, ignored, or treated like you are unimportant. These behaviors hurt deeply and carry over into other areas of your life. You may have already awaken to the truth about your father and you realize moving on is the best thing to do, but in order to do so, you have to remove the many layers of daddy issues. Those problems are what affects us in our personal and professional lives if left unaddressed. In this book, you will find spiritual wisdom, personal experiences, tips on dealing with difficult fathers, in-laws and other father types and advice on breaking toxic ties with them.

Get mental freedom from critical men in your life!
Avoid situations that promote negativity!
Move on when Dad isn't interested in having a relationship with you!
Make peace with the past by encouraging yourself and family to love one another!

Say "Goodbye" to Dad and "Hello" to your future!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of "Tell Me Mother You're Sorry", "Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic", "When Mothers Cry," and other books.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nicholl McGuire
• Release date: Aug 30, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310556234

Nicholl McGuire

A native of Pittsburgh PA and a transplant in Southern California, Nicholl McGuire is the author of "Laboring to Love Myself," "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate," "When Mothers Cry," and other books. Nicholl runs a home-based business, Nicholl McGuire Media, providing writing and publishing services for individuals and businesses in need of website and blog content, family memoirs, visual presentations, clerical tasks, and more. Nicholl has been publishing online since 2007. Her work has appeared on eHow, Hub Pages, College Central, Axis of Logic, Natural Beauty Secret, Street Articles, Bukisa, Authors Den, and many other websites and blogs. Nicholl attended Point Park University and took classes in Journalism and Communications. In addition to writing, she offers spiritual wisdom on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7. A born again Christian believer, survivor of domestic violence and a mother of four sons, Nicholl is a woman who definitely knows about the challenges of loving one's self and others.

Book preview

Say Goodbye to Dad

Nicholl McGuire

Published by Nicholl McGuire Media at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition

copyright 2015 by Nicholl McGuire

ISBN: 9781310556234

Smashwords License Statement

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy.

Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This book is dedicated to the sons and daughters who have felt fatherless.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: The Awakening

Chapter 2: What Gives?

Chapter 3: Parasitic Dads and What to Do About Them

Chapter 4: Unforgiving, Stubborn Dad and Tips on Dealing with Him

Chapter 5: Generations of Useless Fathers and Needy Children

Chapter 6: Controlling, Nagging Women in Dad's Life

Chapter 7: Dad Cares Too Much for His Children

Chapter 8: Bad Dads Might Have Had Bad Parents, Upbringing

Chapter 9: Needing Dad's Attention

Chapter 10: Mental Freedom and Blind Perception

Chapter 11: Offended Fathers

Chapter 12: His Will versus God's Will

Chapter 13: Escaping Emotional Turmoil, Reckless Behavior

Chapter 14: No More Seeking His Approval, Attention

Chapter 15: When Partners Act like Dad

Chapter 16: Spiritually Abusive Fathers

Chapter 17: Say Goodbye to the Past, Hello to the Future

References

Other Books by Nicholl

Introduction

Nowadays there are books for dads the types that answer questions like, How the hell did I go wrong with my kids? What can I do to make a difference when I wasn't there? How can I help parent my kids, because I don't know what I'm doing? Did our fathers seek parental media? Most likely they didn't. No matter the father's age he could learn a thing or two about connecting with his children. But what do many dads do instead? When things go wrong with marriages and offspring they shift blame and avoid being held accountable by asking, Why are my children so screwed up? I didn't have anything to do with that. I was busy working. Ask their mother. When I noticed this attitude repeatedly with many fathers that never wanted to admit much about: where they went wrong, refused accountability, and children were supposed to Forgive and forget, I found that I had a lot to say about toxic emotional ties with Dad, because I was one of those children who had her share of issues.

When I think of my own father, he was a hard worker and was often praised for what he could do externally for others, but he wasn't the kind of man that emotionally connected with the people he came in contact with including his own family members. Simply put, not every one of them could be trusted. He, like many other fathers, grew up during a time when heads of households just didn't have a strong bond with children unless there was something to gain from them such as: labor, land, money, service, etc. Presently, many adult sons and daughters have stories of being used, abused, and pushed away by parents to take care of themselves and their siblings and other loved ones. But irregardless of what time period we live in, we have the power to change our mindsets, influences and the like and do what's right to build healthy relationships. Children can't always learn everything on their own, they need to be taught to love and appreciate themselves and others as you will read in this book.

One of the biggest issues that continue to come up with many fatherless daughters and sons is that dads either stopped doing beneficial things for their families once children grew up or did nothing that could have led to a better relationship with them. Due to many fathers' lack of involvement in their families, irresponsible behaviors, reckless disregard for others, and more, there have been many children who have suffered emotionally and/or physically as a result. The effects of fatherlessness didn't just stop with struggling children, but the grandchildren and the great grandchildren suffered too. Poverty, mental illness, addictions, and other problems get passed down and plague generations which will be discussed in this book as well and why it is necessary to sever ties with fathers who refuse to bring goodness to your life.

In a study examining father involvement with 134 children of adolescent mothers over the first 10 years of life, researchers found father-child contact was associated with better socio-emotional and academic functioning. The results indicated that children with more involved fathers experienced fewer behavioral problems and scored higher on reading achievement. This study showed the significance of the role of fathers in the lives of at-risk children, even in cases of nonresident fathers.[1] However, children living apart from fathers has doubled since 1960 based on a report from the Pew Research Center's Social and Demographic Trends project.

Numerous children have been emotionally starved when it came to their relationships with fathers whether they grew up with them or not. Others lacked mental and/or physical ties with fathers due to various family issues. If you are reading this book, chances are you experienced a void growing up with or without your dad. In an article that appeared on Dailymail.com by Ben Spencer, scientists state, Growing up without a father could permanently alter the structure of the brain and produce children who are more aggressive and angry. They go on to say, children raised only by a single mother have a higher risk for deviant behavior such as drug use. Despite the research, many adult sons and daughters have moved on with their lives without Dads and have healthy relationships because they refused to hold anger and resentment and refuse to emulate their fathers' unproductive behaviors. In this book, you will learn about actions they took to free themselves from their toxic fathers.

In a book entitled, Whatever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl by Jonetta Rose Barras, she describes fatherless women as a choir of wounded women. She describes how she felt losing three fathers, I frequently felt a deep sadness, an abiding loneliness. Nothing seemed powerful enough to permanently soothe the agony I felt. Fatherlessness affects everyone from the grandmother who helps watch her grandchildren while the mother works to the employer who has to fire yet another employee due to a drug addiction because a son or daughter is covering up painful childhood memories.

Most everyone is familiar with the phrase Daddy's little girl. I wasn't that girl and if one described me as such that is not what I felt growing up. A special bond like that begins to appear between fathers and daughters somewhere around six to seven years of age. According to researchers, Brenda Bary and Ron Ohlson, when a young girl reaches middle childhood years (six through eleven), there is a growing need for the father's influence and affections. This shift is due to the fact that there are certain aspects of a girl's development and growth that are more directly attributed to her father. These aspects of growth fall into two categories...The first of these important contributions is related to the development of the girl's ability to achieve, be competent, pursue goal-oriented activity, and compete. The second very important contribution of fathers to their daughter's development has to do with the reinforcement of femininity and self-esteem that can only be derived from interactions with one's father or a father substitute.[2]

But what happens when Mom and others interfere with the healthy bond due to their personal experiences such as: sexual abuse, domestic violence, poor relationship with their parents, etc.? They become overbearing mothers that are overprotective of their children. Therefore, fathers cannot and will not draw near to their daughters or sons for fear that they might be accused of being inappropriate with them. Unfortunately, some dads did cross that line. My parents didn't do anything inappropriate with me or my sibling, but the lengths at which relatives will go to keep incest at bay is an issue that will be addressed. Later in this book, I share information about counter-incest victims.

Despite a mother's overbearing ways, we can't solely blame her for affecting the father daughter or father son bond. It was up to Dad to step up to the plate and connect with his children. One of the many questions that popped in my mind while preparing this work was, How many chances did a father think he was going to get to make things right with his children and establish a bond with them? Mom might have warned him about his emotional withdrawal. Grandma may have scolded him about not having a relationship with children. His siblings may have shared their wishes for kids since they didn't have their own and reminded him to appreciate what he has. Yet, Dad ignored wise counsel. He falsely assumed that children would always be there for him and that

his connection to them was good enough to go the distance.

A distant father most likely thought once the kids got older and started doing things like: speaking up for themselves, being active in school, graduating, having their own children, and working, he didn't have much else to do. He told himself, The kids will be coming back around...They will see about the ole man...They will help me with...My grandchildren will do for me. And for some fathers they were grateful to experience family closeness, because they put their work in for years establishing bonds with children from acknowledging birthdays to visiting with family. But for others, once their children left home that was it, Goodbye! No emotional ties, no family events, no cards in the mail, no financial assistance, and no love. There was just no attempt to make a real connection with their children for any number of reasons. While other fathers half-heartedly reached out to relatives when the mood struck them, others went above and beyond. Any number of reasons could have prevented some Dads from being involved with their children and grandchildren like: substance addictions, mental disorders, frequent relocations, laziness, job losses, family division, etc. This guide mentions these issues and more and how they ruin what could have been healthy emotional ties and what one might have to do if these problems are present.

You might have already had conversations with your dad a few times or more about your hurtful past. Those talks either went well or accomplished nothing because in his mind, You turned out alright, so what's your problem? But did you really turn out okay or is there still some unfinished business with Dad or may be there is nothing left of the relationship because he might have turned around, walked away from you and wished you well before you could tell him so long. Goodbye Daughter, Goodbye Son, end of story and Dad was gone. Your father (or another relative) either physically and/or mentally died and all there is left between you both are happy and sad memories mixed with regrets.

The father, who didn't want you or anyone else bringing up the past, wasn't going to stick around and watch tears fall from your face or listen to you scream about whatever ails you on the inside. And he definitely wasn't going to humble himself long enough to validate his dysfunctional involvement or lack thereof in your life and apologize. But

then again, maybe he did say I'm sorry. directly to you or indirectly using a relative. Maybe his apology came through things he bought, money he gave you and your children. You might have been grateful for what you did receive; Dad's attempt was good enough for the time being until you realized there were challenges in your relationship that needed to be addressed. Dad wasn't saying much to give you any peace of mind while you were possibly too emotional to ask him any specific questions. You might have ran from what was bothering you inside concerning him, or you reached a place where you stopped caring about him so much along with those people, places and things connected to him.

Like the difficult mothers in my book, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, complicated dads, step-dads and other difficult men are far too prideful to do anything more then what is required of them by law when it comes to children. When confronted on their wrong-doing, these cold fathers will tell you how wrong you are and how right they are because ...if I would have known you were going to act like this, I wouldn't have bought you anything! What more do you want from me? Didn't I tell you I was sorry? I gave you, cared for you, did this and that! I never heard a Happy Father's Day from you! Therefore, the child is labeled an ingrate and not a good son or daughter to him, because you dared to mention Dad's wrongs while his fans say, At least he did do something for you...just forgive and forget. Be nice to your dad.

Adult sons and daughters thrown into a mess of confusion by relatives concerning their fathers have carried blame for years. They have listened and are still hearing half-truths and bad-mouthing, along with whatever else their family members have put upon them. They are expected to deal with father issues on top of all that stuff! Dad's actions or inactions hurt deeply and all too often what a son or daughter feels toward his or her parent are overlooked, swept under the rug, and there is no talking about the pain. In this book, you will read about various types of fathers and loved ones who enable already tense situations by refusing to see the truth, and how at times sons and daughters feel bound by circumstances, personal feelings and other things when it comes to dealing or not dealing with Dad.

We can't avoid the fact that some fathers do cry about the things they later learn about how they contributed to the root of their children's anger, bitterness and other negative emotions. These fathers acknowledge the fact that they could have done more, should have been better Dads and so on. But others won't let tears fill their eyes; they prefer to do anything they can to keep from their feet being held up over the fire. These are the fathers this work exposes. Some are uncaring, miserable, hot-tempered, narcissistic, and controlling. Others are resentful, jealous, and have self-hate vibes that are demonstrated in their demeanors. A number of sons and daughters, who are aware of the kind of fathers they have, are too fearful to say one wrong word about these men to anyone so they walk around pretending as if things are okay with their relationships when the truth is it isn't. Instead, they prefer to be on their best behavior and wait it out for a father or grandfather to die so that they can inherit his wealth. Some sons and daughters avoid any confrontation while Dad's gatekeepers work hard to keep the peace while other children go into the eye of the storm wanting very much to be free of the disappointments they have harbored for years. Decades of mind control, intimidation, economic abuse, and other controlling behaviors by the fathers keep some victims quiet. When asked about whether a father is/was emotionally and/or physically present in one's life, there is a hesitation to answer with some sons and daughters followed by a calculated response usually positive and brief. Look into the eyes of the hurting and there is a hope that nothing more will be asked.

If you are reading this book, chances are you may have heard some people refer to their personal concerns regarding their fathers as Daddy issues also known as father-daughter or son problems. Now what exactly are these issues and how do you get rid of them? Well they definitely aren't like an illness that you can just visit a doctor, get a prescription, use the product for so many days, and in time everything is all cleared up. But for some people, they believe that overcoming Daddy issues is as simple as that. You might have heard well-intentioned good folks say, We all have problems, get over it. You will be fine, just give your dad a big hug and all will be better. You only have one dad, so forgive him...you never know when God will take him. Oh, if only life challenges were so easy for everyone. And by the way, what does forgiveness truly mean? Well if you ask many people, you will get a variety of answers that have brought them personal peace, but what might letting go and letting God really mean to you?

To forgive is reaching that mental space of peace where you are no longer wishing evil on your enemy, so I have learned over the years. For me, I don't hate my dad or any other man in my life to date, but at one point I did allow negative emotions to consume my time and energy particularly when I had been deeply wounded by people I was supposed to feel safe with. I'm not going to lie; for a time, I did have evil thoughts about most men I encountered on a regular basis in my life. When I came to the realization that I was doing harm to myself by permitting my focal point to be on troubled men that didn't deserve me and was not worth sacrificing my personal happiness, it was then I started to see mental and physical freedom for myself. So reader, I ask you this, is your Dad, whether deceased or alive, someone who is worth your time and energy? Does or did he really love/like/want you? Have you created a fantasy of what you wished your dad to be to you? Did you really want a relationship with him or did someone pressure you into one when you would have preferred to remain distant? As you read, you will find yourself filling in the missing pieces of the puzzle concerning Dad and others.

As adults, now and then we reduce ourselves to little girls and boys in our fathers' company in the hopes that they will really see us this time since we were often ignored when we were younger. Daddy, do you see me? Like my picture...Could you play with me? Come over here Dad, look? Am I a good daughter (son)? But distant, difficult dads just don't connect. Their eyes are distracted by other people, personal accomplishments, and things. They truly don't know us. They think they do, but they don't. Some are in love with being called, Daddy, but they aren't much more than a name.

When I came to the realization that I had some Daddy issues was when a friend told me that he heard me repeatedly ranting about my mother and father during a drunken episode back in 1996. He said he told me to go to bed, and then he turned the lights off while I was left crying in my bedroom, then he closed the door. He slept in the next room until morning. Some things he said I shared that painful night were so sad and he knew that I had deep rooted problems with my parents. I don't believe he saw me the same afterward. I personally didn't know at the time how deep the rabbit hole went until it showed up in the form of an