Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

By Nicholl McGuire

This is the book that they don't want you to read, controlling mothers, stepmothers and mother-in-laws. These women enjoy keeping others in the dark about their schemes, secrets, lies, true feelings about others, and more. These manipulative matriarchs will look for ways to quiet those who share their blueprints on how they get what they want from submissive, ignorant husbands and docile or needy children. If you have caught on to a deceptive mother's game and are confused, worried or even scared, don't be. You are in control of you! Don't feel bad about not contacting or coming around your mother or someone else's. We live in a society that often puts people down when they are not getting along with their mothers, grandmothers and others who take on motherhood roles. They are told, "That is your mother, you should call her. Don't hold grudges you only have one grandma. If I were you I wouldn't let too much time go by without calling her, you never know when her time or yours might be up."
Although many mean well when they advise "what you should and shouldn't do" concerning the woman who gave you birth or someone who helped raise you, the truth is you have to live your life! If it brings you peace to distance yourself from someone who is full of trouble, whether mom or not, you have that right.
It can be difficult distancing yourself from Mom, but you have your reasons.
· Take back your life and live peacefully among your own family!
· Feel free without the stress of a controlling mother and those who act motherly.
· Learn how to deal with some of the issues these women throw your way.
· Discover more about yourself through this challenging process.
· Relate to sons and daughters who have felt like black sheeps or scapegoats.
· Teach children how to be more discerning when dealing with their challenging relatives.
Packed with useful information, this book validates, encourages and advises those who are thinking about, are in the process, or have already went no contact with difficult moms.
You no longer have to worry about or fear your overbearing mother or someone else's because you desire your own personal space.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic, When Mothers Cry, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nicholl McGuire
• Release date: Jun 12, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311201447

Nicholl McGuire

A native of Pittsburgh PA and a transplant in Southern California, Nicholl McGuire is the author of "Laboring to Love Myself," "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate," "When Mothers Cry," and other books. Nicholl runs a home-based business, Nicholl McGuire Media, providing writing and publishing services for individuals and businesses in need of website and blog content, family memoirs, visual presentations, clerical tasks, and more. Nicholl has been publishing online since 2007. Her work has appeared on eHow, Hub Pages, College Central, Axis of Logic, Natural Beauty Secret, Street Articles, Bukisa, Authors Den, and many other websites and blogs. Nicholl attended Point Park University and took classes in Journalism and Communications. In addition to writing, she offers spiritual wisdom on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7. A born again Christian believer, survivor of domestic violence and a mother of four sons, Nicholl is a woman who definitely knows about the challenges of loving one's self and others.

Book preview

Tell Me Mother You’re Sorry

Published by Nicholl McGuire Media at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition

copyright 2015 by Nicholl McGuire

Smashwords License Statement

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

I dedicate this book to the sons and daughters who just wanted an apology long ago,but never got one. In memory of my late grandmother who was the inspiration for writing this book.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter One: You're Not Your Mother

Chapter Two: Mother Substitutes

Chapter Three: No One is Perfect But God

Chapter Four: Mom's Lies

Chapter Five: Keeping Secrets

Chapter Six: She Knows Best

Chapter Seven: Mad at You Again

Chapter Eight: Honor thy Mother Manipulation

Chapter Nine: When Mother Controls Your Family

Chapter Ten: Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Chapter Eleven: What Goes Around Comes Around

Chapter Twelve: Moving On

In Closing

Other Books by Nicholl McGuire

Connect with Nicholl

Introduction

Whatever you thought you were going to get from your mother over the years: an apology, a hug, a kiss, money, service, or something else, her pride got in the way of that. For some of you, you might recall the Scripture in the Holy Bible, Pride comes before a fall Proverbs 16:18 (NIV).

Mom’s prideful ways may have a lot to do with why your relationship with her is (or for those of you who have lost your mothers was) at times intolerable. Some of you stopped talking to your mothers long ago because you just couldn’t shake the pain. You waited and waited and waited for her to change, humble her self, and genuinely apologize for her wrongs, but nothing she said or did seemed to suffice. For a time, things may have been alright between you and your mother, but then she went back to her ugly ways while she continued to use you as a catch all for her pain, regrets, sadness, resentments, and more. You might have cried, wished, hoped, and prayed, and still nothing from Mom!

Your mother never did bring the comfort to your spirit you thought you deserved. Why? She was incapable. Years of pent up anger from past offenses that left her traumatized, mother used her children to carry her burdens. Author, speaker, lawyer, spiritual teacher, and television personality, Iyanla Vanzant openly admitted to her son and television audience on Fix My Life, Forgive me for making you a repository for my anger, She goes on, The anger I had toward my father, the anger I had toward myself just forgive me. And forgive me for any way that my anger constructed, impacted how you see women. Forgive me, forgive me.

Most likely there are events you know about, but also those that you don’t which molded one’s mother into that person you just don’t like at times or quite often. A mind and body abused and used by those closest to her, what was really left of the mother after all the trauma? A broken spirit struggling with many issues that could be working toward some healing or one that is withering away while bringing others down in the process.

Despite many mothers’ faith in God, some have chosen to throw the towel in when it comes to playing the game of life fairly. These women have refused to step out of their comfort zones of stubbornness, criticisms, hate, and other negative behaviors. The world was unkind, mean, and didn’t always like or love them; therefore, they carried out their pain and began to hurt those closest to them. These mothers, both charming and evil, grew weary of acting lady like or being nice that they made up in their minds, Enough is enough! The rebellious girl, turned grown woman with children, tells the world, I will get what I want when I want it…Others will have to play by my rules…I am no longer anyone’s doormat. I could care less what they say or think about me! Some mothers are in unsatisfying marriages right now or divorced because they don’t know how to put down the gloves and stop fighting. Others either cast aside their offspring while esteeming their partners or choose to remain single while putting children on pedestals or manipulating them through emotional and/or physical abuse.

If honesty, peace, love, kindness, and other positive traits don’t seem to get these mothers far in life, then they do what they witness evil people do, they repeat their cunning ways overtly or covertly. They too will lie, steal, cheat, destroy spirits, control, manipulate, curse, or abuse to get needs met. You or someone you know may have been a victim of a mean-spirited mother for quite sometime.

An adult son or daughter has had to deal with the sting of Mama’s words, hands or both. He or she might not have anticipated what was coming and did not feel like that sweet, polite, shady lady could be so bold, devious, and rude. But you know her or have crossed this woman’s destructive path, and to those who lost their moms due to death, you knew her when. You saw how she operated at times. For some of you, because you saw through her act or witnessed her many faces with different people, she did not always like you, because you knew too much! If you commented about the truth, she told you to Shut up! You don’t know what you are talking about. That isn’t what I said or did. You don’t know anything! Go play! Keep testing her and she was going to verbally and/or physically beat the messenger down.

So it isn’t any wonder you have many issues with your self-righteous, vulgar, mentally unstable, or controlling mother, grandmother, step-mother, mother-in-law, or guardian. Even if this individual is gone out of your life it will be as if she is still there, because for many sons and daughters they can’t shake their mothers’ voices out of their heads, the memories, and the hurts of yesteryear. You see her in the mirror looking back at you. You hear her voice through others sometimes. You might even think that God dropped the ball, what was he thinking by choosing that woman to be your mother?

Don’t deny your present or past stinking thinking concerning any woman you deem like a mom to you and others. It’s okay to be honest with yourself and your Creator. Mom didn’t always get it right and you are not wrong because of her issues either! Let me repeat that like this, you are not a failure, evil, weak, ugly, or crazy because she had her share of emotional, spiritual or physical challenges!

Some of you readers are mad as hell at a woman or two in your lives and have grown weary of Mother! For others, who have prayed and put your issues about your relatives in God’s hands, you might not be as angry with them like you once were, but you keep taking what you put in the Master’s hands back out again. Then there are those sons and daughters that will nicely say, Sure, I’m disappointed with some things about my mother or guardian, but it’s all good, right? Maybe, but that is only if the person’s dysfunctional ways aren’t being passed down to your children and grandchildren through the way you speak and what you do. If one was to interview your loved ones, what might they say about you? Are you just like your mother and are you proud of behaving like her? Are you sincerely over the pain, envy, bitterness, and other negative emotions that your own mother put upon you in the womb, after your birth, and years after?

Reflecting back on childhood memories can be quite painful. No one really understands just how much it hurts to see a mother you love go to great measures to try to be everything to everyone, good, bad or otherwise. Sometimes she goes above and beyond for others, but for her children not so much. Of course, troubled mothers have their reasons for treating their children wrongly sometimes, My kids are unappreciative…They don’t come around…They don’t like me while never bothering to check her self as to why that is. There are no perfect people and some mothers and children fail to truly realize this about one another. From cooking to advising others, demanding mom may be a kind-hearted and seemingly sweet soul sometimes, but then there are those moments—the ones that leave children ashamed, spouses angry, and others secretly wishing never to be in her presence again.

Before judging those who feel this way, know that individuals, who have been repeatedly driven mad when it comes to their mothers’ issues, have their reasons why they choose to safeguard their hearts. It doesn’t make their emotions right or wrong, they just are. Until there is healing within and around them, it will be a difficult and long journey to love one’s toxic mother or mother figure now or ever. If a troubled Mom wasn’t pretending to like this person and that one, she had those she genuinely favored and oftentimes it wasn’t her own child. There was something odd, mysterious even scary about a Mom like that. Sitting back with a smirk on her face, she seemed to have taken great pleasure in someone else’s suffering, she may have said something like, You reap what you sow. You should’ve listened to me…serves you right. Always listen to your mother. Mother knows best. God don’t like ugly. Don’t come crying to me! Disappoint her enough times and she just might start bragging about others to you or comparing what they have to what you don’t have.

For some readers who are African Americans, you might have experienced the attitude or the I know you didn’t kind of stare from Mama. She warned you about acting like Ms. Nice Nasty a time or two and how You are not too old to get your a** beat! Ms. Nice Nasty was just another personality of a sassy mother who projected her woes onto her children. These women could be nice one minute and nasty the other. She accused others of her own bad behavior and then punished daughters and sons for it; rather than straightening her personal issues with self out, she felt she had to check others. It was Ms. Nasty’s attitude that some of you worked hard to avoid. If she asked or demanded you do something, you did it or else experience the consequences. Like a child, some of you are still fearful of Mama’s dark side coming out. It was her evil twin. Some of you may have called her, The devil, a witch, evil, crazy…

Mom didn’t like her life much. She had experienced much hardship and had never really been treated for mental instabilities. So where would her unresolved issues go? They usually fall on the children. Who was going to experience her wrath once triggered by a wrong look, an annoying sound, and angry outburst? Most often it was the little girl or boy looking back at her. A son or daughter was at times frightened and never quite matured around her for fear the bad woman might come out. They were then told to, Grow up…Stop acting like a baby…Don’t make me hurt you…What are you looking at? Mother was well on her way to training children to fear her not love her.

If I told you once I told you a million times, don’t do that! Don’t get on my bad side! What is wrong with you? Keep it up and I will give you something to cry for! You are so stupid! When I was your age, I would have never thought of doing that to my Mother! Some of these emotional mothers would rage over the littlest of things: something wasn’t put back in its place, you looked at her wrong, you sighed, you had an accident, your tone of voice was not to her liking, you made too much noise, you didn’t ask before you took something, you smelled funny, you looked weird, or you disagreed with her. Whatever the issue, on a bad day, your mother was going to let you know how she felt no matter how over-the-top she was about it. You couldn’t help but walk around on egg shells. You hated sitting near her, didn’t trust her touching you, didn’t want her looking at you, and resented her calling your name. There was something indeed wrong with her and her crazy $%#?—whatever that might have been, was starting to make you feel like you were going insane!

It was clear to you growing up, and for some even now, that something wasn’t quite right with your mother or that other woman in your life who acts like a mom. You and others might have been nervous, fearful or often worried around this lady. You never wanted to cross her, tried hard not to be disrespectful, and played by her rules as best you could, but your efforts were never really good enough. You might have felt like your mother figure just wasn’t on your side whether you won or lost. When talking to others, you might have described this woman as: uncaring, demanding, critical, overprotective, or ineffective.

Psychologists have many names for people with a myriad of personality disorders. Anyone could fall in the following groups and have more than one personality issue; however, to be professionally diagnosed, one would have to have far more than the following symptoms presented here. In this book, you will recognize the following types of mothers mentioned, but most of the clinical labels will not be referenced in the chapters since I am not a psychologist and wanted the content to remain simplistic. If Mom is/was self-absorbed, exploitative, infantile, petty, aggressive, often defensive, and believed she was perfect then she is considered to be a narcissist. If she participated in excessive attention-seeking, acted sexually seductive and often looked for approval from others, then she was most likely histrionic. If your mom has an unstable pattern of interacting with others, negative self image, impulsive, participates in risky sex, and has a history of suicide, then she would be most likely labeled borderline. Then there are those mothers with avoidant personality disorder. These women lack confidence, sensitive to rejection, fear criticism, avoid intimacy and socially withdraw unless they know they are well liked. Antisocial mothers have no regard for right or wrong, tend to antagonize, manipulate and treat others harshly, have no guilt or remorse. Dependent mothers fear they can’t live their lives apart from others and tend to be clingy to their partners and children. They refer to themselves as stupid and are often pessimistic and doubt themselves. There are other personality disorders worth researching that you might have noticed with your mother, or someone else’s, such as: obsessive-compulsive (repetitive behaviors), paranoid (often suspicious, bears grudges, feels like a victim), schizoid (avoids social activities/shies away from others), and schizotypal (odd, eccentric and no understanding of relationships or how her behaviors impact others).

Notice that one could combine the different personality disorders and find that your mother has more than a few. But let us not get so caught up on labeling Mom, because once again, this isn’t what this book is about. Rather, let us pay close attention to the things that some of these women do to control your mind and actions and how you do and say things to keep the dysfunction going. Chances are you, or someone you know with the bizarre mom, exhibits one or more of her personality disorders having been exposed to her for any number of years. If one’s issues are left unchecked, then he or she could very well be causing much grief to others.

In my experience, when I observed and talked with many mothers and daughters on and off the Internet about their family issues, I recognized these women were wishing for things they didn’t receive from their mothers and other relatives in the family like an apology, a promised possession, the truth about the past, and more. For instance, a woman shared she had vague memories of her mother ever hugging her. She described her mother as being cold and mean. Many spoke about how their mothers didn’t care too much about what they did, where they went, and who they met back when we were in high school. Some shared how their moms expected them to act like mothers to their younger siblings and how much they hated it. I recall one daughter sharing how she didn’t like how her mother would just pick up and move the family every time she broke up with one of her boyfriends. I heard of stories where both daughters and sons were verbally, physically or sexually abused by their mothers and how they had to end up cutting them out of their lives. A few talked about how they didn’t appreciate having to lie for moms while others talked of how they picked up certain bad habits from them. Then there were those that were called many horrible names and treated more like slaves rather than their mothers’ children.

From eating disorders to drunkenness, there were far too many things these daughters and sons saw that they didn’t like about their mothers, yet there were those who could clearly see they were repeating patterns. Some issues these grown children faced later in life had been directly connected with their upbringing. Although a number of mothers would acknowledge this fact, there are far more that would simply want their children to sweep issues under the rug, let bye-gones be bye-gones, and move on with life. Easier said for these moms then done for their children. It was obvious that healing needed to take place in these sons and daughters’ lives even if it meant protecting themselves and their families from more of their mothers’ strange behaviors by no longer contacting them.

Part of moving on is defining what the family problems are, and then beginning a process that emotionally and physically frees sons and daughters from their toxic mothers’ mental and physical games. Running from mom, lying about or to mom, ignoring her reactions, covering for her with others you know she has wronged, cursing at her, or acting as if there is no elephant in the room, does nothing more than feed the negative roots that steadily grow within family relationships. A daughter or son who never felt his or her mother validated him or her emotionally, physically or spiritually will lash out. This is why some will seek a third party to help resolve problems. For some, these children were nothing more than décor in the home to be seen and not heard. They were to look beautiful, sit still, and don’t cause a disturbance. Other daughters and sons were treated like footstools; moms took their burdens and placed them on their children. Then there were those that were treated like trash bins, when Mom had useless junk, problems, mood swings, and whatever else she couldn’t take out to the dumpster, her daughters and sons were there to collect it all!

So in this book, you will be reminded of many good, bad and ugly things concerning your mother or someone else’s, but the focus is to heal from the past while trying not to perpetuate the emotional and/or physical abuse you endured onto others. Various troubled individuals never reached a place of freedom in their lives where they ever received Mama’s apology, affection, or anything that would make them feel that their mothers acknowledged their pain. What’s worse some died still wishing for the matriarchs to take away all the pain.

When you keep hearing similar stories about mothers and children in bad relationships, and you find that most people who share them still have a long way to go when it comes to recovery, you have to wonder do some really know just how deep the rabbit hole goes when it comes to having a dysfunctional relationship with one’s mother. Do some truly understand what Jesus meant when he said, They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law (Luke 12:53). We are seeing evidence of this as we watch mothers try to parent disrespectful teens while others try to mend broken relationships with sons and daughters. The writing is on the wall that sooner or later we will all meet our Maker and he will judge us accordingly.

So my drive for writing this book was not to bad mouth mothers and their children, but to validate the feelings of daughters and sons who are suffering, and to remind them they can heal from the past. Further, I want readers to know that it is okay to disagree, distance yourself, or cut off mom altogether when you can’t handle the words and actions of a spiritually, mentally and physically