Hidden Abusers: Charmers & Con Artists

By Sandra Scott

HE DRAWS YOU IN. HE DRAWS EVERYBODY IN.

He is seductive and intoxicating. He has an unusual talent for ingratiating himself to others. He twists the truth and tells you what you want to hear but doesn’t follow through. He manipulates and deceives. He justifies his behavior. He appears to be a humble hero but, in fact, is self-absorbed with a need to control how others perceive him. But nobody else sees what you see. It is all so subtle. You are not even sure you are right about what you think you are seeing.

You may be dealing with a charmer or a con artist. Con artists rob you of your time, energy, and money. Charmers are brilliant at disguising their abuse and can steal your youth, integrity, self-esteem, and even your very soul. Author and counselor Sandra Scott helps identify and distinguish between the two in her book, Hidden Abusers: Charmers & Con Artists. The book focuses on charmers and profiles case studies of these abusers, helping you discern threats to you in your relationships. From fictional characters, such as Scarlett O’Hara, to real-life scenarios, like O. J. Simpson, Scott provides profiles and gives insights into this abusive behavior.

Hidden Abusers also includes a recovery plan on how to move from being a victim to a thriving survivor. Scott draws from the Twelve-Step Program and the Bible to help you become the whole person God designed you to be. Written for individuals and for church leaders and laypersons, Hidden Abusers is a valuable resource for recognizing abusers and for healing from the mental, emotional, and spiritual trauma left in their wake. If victims are not believed and validated, and don’t receive help, they are revictimized. They can be lost to the church.

• Language: English
• Publisher: LifeRich Publishing
• Release date: Aug 18, 2021
• ISBN: 9781489737120

Sandra Scott

SANDRA SCOTT is a licensed professional counselor and specializes in individual and family relationship issues. She is a conference speaker and a certified divorce mediator with expertise in pre-divorce and pre-marital counseling. Sandra also conducts numerous seminars on abuse, primarily directed at educating church leaders and congregations in recognizing abuse and responding appropriately. Passionate about God’s Word, Sandra uses her gifts to teach application of the Bible. She has also authored two previous books, Starting Again . . . A Divorce Recovery Program and Charmers & Con Artists & Their Flip Side. Sandra is a mother and a grandmother and enjoys theater, music, laughter, and good conversation.

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Copyright © 2021 Sandra Scott.

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Scripture quotations marked (KJV) are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. Public Domain.

ISBN: 978-1-4897-3711-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4897-3713-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4897-3712-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021914178

LifeRich Publishing rev. date: 08/12/2021

Contents

Introduction

Part One—Just Charming? A Charmer? Or a Con Artist?

1. Description and Profile of a Charmer

— Father Hunger

— Gaslighting

— Age of Imprint

— Stockholm Syndrome

2. How Did They Get That Way?

3. Differences Between a Charmer and a Con Artist

4. They Are Abusers

Part Two—Case Studies

5. Where Charmers Are Found

6. Typical Charmers

7. Sacred Charmers: Examples from the Church and Helping Professions

8. Professional Charmers: Examples from Business, the Sports Arena, and Academia

9. Soapbox Charmers: Examples from the Political Arena

Part Three—Victim to Survivor

10. Recovery From Other People’s Problems

Endnotes

Other References

Dedicated to . . .

. . . the charmed victims and the survivors

Special thanks to my daughter, Stephanie, who patiently guided me through all the technical issues.

From the beginning of my private practice, I encountered one woman after another who told me their stories of abuse. Sometimes they knew by their bruises, cuts, and broken bones that they were being abused. Many did not even see that that was abuse. They had become convinced they had asked for it or deserved it, as their abuser was telling them.

I had to admit I was not aware of all the ways one can be abused or that the hidden, subtle abuses such as verbal, emotional, financial, psychological, and bullying, were often more dangerous and debilitating than the visible evidence of physical abuse. If one is bruised, bleeding, or dead, it is obvious to anyone that one is abused by someone. Hidden abuses are not even recognized by victims most of the time, much less by others.

Charmers are the skilled abusers who have significantly more victims than other abusers. If victims finally start to see their reality, they find little help or advocacy because Charmers are even better at hiding from outsiders than other types of abusers. It is a huge surprise when Charmers are exposed, with some victims still not able or willing to believe it. Abuse in any form is ugly. It requires a response. Unfortunately, most people do not want to get involved or even admit they know about it. That is how the abuse goes on, how victims go unvalidated and not helped, and how onlookers are able to walk away. Shame on them! No excuses! Once they know, they are accountable, whether they want to be or not.

Introduction 54387.png

knowledge + discernment = wisdom + good choices

Those who manipulate and violate others will never listen to the pain and pleas of victims. They will listen only to good men who hold them accountable for their bad behavior. Where else should we expect to find a collection of good men but in the church and the courts?

All that is necessary for evil to prevail is that good men do nothing.

—Edmund Burke

Ignorance is never bliss. What we do not know can and usually will hurt us. Truth can hurt as well, but in a cleansing, healing way. Prophets, seers, and truth tellers have never been popular. They make people uneasy. They make us feel exposed and vulnerable. Wanting to kill the messenger is common, but it does not change the message. The uglier the information seems to us or the more difficult the news is to believe, the greater becomes our human instinct to live in denial. The more important the information and the more persistent the deliverer, the more resistant the hearers are likely to become. But they need to know. Everyone needs to know.

Those who watch and do not understand—the ones who do not see beyond the appealing surface—shake their heads and see the wronged one as delusional, paranoid, or mean spirited. They fall prey to sympathizing with the instigator in his crafty portrayal of innocence. The result is invalidation of the victim’s experience. Victims then doubt their own perception and even their sanity.

Meanwhile, both the perpetrators of evil and the onlookers grow in their disdain for the revealer of the reality. It spoils their comfortable lethargy and the lull in which they suspend and numb their awareness. This is particularly true when some of the most charismatic and likable people are unmasked as dangerous to be around. Charmers and con artists are so appealing, so soothing to the spirit, and they are such desirable agents of a feel-good society, we really do not want to know we are being fooled. How could it be so wrong when it feels so right?

Regardless of the cost, we must be made aware. The price of not seeing or hearing truth is too great. Not knowing can put us—or someone else—in harm’s way. It can rob us of our dignity, our sense of safety, and endanger our very souls.

As an educator and a professional counselor, I am on a quest to provide information to those reluctant to know. It is not easy to convince others. It is a little like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall. However, this is information without which anyone is a potential victim of seduction. The people in the best positions to help and advocate for victims are the courts, law enforcement, clergy, and employers. Friends and family who suspect some form of abuse have a moral obligation to at least ask questions and make observations.

Loved ones—people to whom a victim needs to turn—often cannot grasp what they are hearing and have no idea how to help. Ignorance allows Charmers and other abusers to exist and flourish. My purpose is to identify Charmers and warn readers of the threat. It is also intended to validate and help those drawn in by Charmers. As you read, you may discover that you have been there or that you are there. You are not alone.

Parts of the case studies are fictional examples of real situations I have seen in my years of private practice, except in the cases of well-known people, which have already been documented. I am grateful to those people who have trusted me by sharing the experiences and heartaches they have had with a Charmer or con artist.

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There is a familiar story about a frog placed in a beaker of cold water over a low flame in a laboratory. The water warmed slowly, one degree at a time. Since frogs are cold-blooded animals, the frog started out very comfortable, but gradually it began to die without even realizing it. There was no struggle, just a gentle drifting into death. There was probably even a degree of contentment . . . until it was too late.

This illustrates what happens to people lulled into a seemingly blissful and usually exciting relationship with a Charmer. All the while they think they are happy and having the time of their lives, only to find that over time, they have lost themselves. With the subtleties, they begin to doubt themselves, their perceptions, and their reality.

Victims are so emotionally addicted to the Charmer and so lost in the ecstasy of the high that they do not want to know they are at risk. Sometimes a wiser friend or family member sees the reality and tries to warn the victim, only to be rebuffed.

Charmer is not a diagnosis found in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM V),¹ the diagnostic manual used by all mental health professionals. A Charmer is charismatic, personable, and described by most people as just the nicest guy you could ever know. Nice does not always mean what the speaker intends. Likable may be more appropriate. Nice denotes a person whose walk equals his talk; it speaks of good values and behaviors.

However, he is in control of the relationship and has an unsettling ability to be both self-serving and irresponsible in his commitments. His victim is impatient with herself and feels guilty about the quiet anger she feels toward her partner.

The prognosis for change is negative. Most Charmers do not even see what they are doing. They just know life works for them, so what is the problem? Charmers do not come in for therapy. If they do, it is only to placate someone. If they go to therapy, they will not stay in therapy unless they succeed in also charming the therapist.

Divorce, or having the Charmer walk away, devastates their partners, who are unable to recover normally. Years later they are still trying to figure out what happened. They suffer far more self-doubt, low self-esteem, loss, and guilt than others. Their children are more likely to take the Charmer’s side and blame the victim.

Those still in a relationship with their Charmer live with a level of sad acceptance and self-blame. The only way they can continue is with a life of denial, suppressing feelings of confusion, anger, and self-abandonment. They have greater bouts with depression. They have times of highs, sharing life with the exciting, life-on-the-edge Charmer, but the payoff is more low times. They find themselves entangled in a web, seduced to the spiral of addiction to a person from whom they know they should extricate themselves. But the mind-boggling recovery process—even if they know how to do it—is frightening. Fear of the unknown is greater than suppressed pain. Only the fleeting highs they can grasp here and there offset the pain of staying.

Charmers are masters in persuading their victims to trust them again, to maintain control. Control is the issue for Charmers, abusers, and addicts. All feel out of control, so they will do whatever is necessary to gain a feeling of control.

Both overt and covert abusers will lie and bend or break laws and rules of society to cover or get away with their behavior. The excitement makes them feel vibrant, alive, and in control. They are good at walking the edge of the line that would expose them. It is their high. They are risk-takers. They compartmentalize life, so they see no relevance of behavior in one area to that of other parts of their lives, nor do they see the pain and suffering they inflict on others. They truly see themselves as the good guys, justified in what they do.

Victims are addicted to appeasing their abuser to try to feel safe and free from being controlled. For victims of Charmers, the relief or euphoria they feel is temporary and unreal. Addiction is the only disease that successfully convinces the diseased that they are not afflicted.

The overt abuser lacks the Charmer’s skills and ability to gain control willingly from the victim, so they bully, intimidate, and use force. When the Charmer’s charm no longer works, he will usually just move on, knowing there are vast opportunities for him elsewhere. However, if there is a lot at stake for him—a relationship or job he needs or the protection of his public image—he will feel justified in forcing his agenda. His pride and fear of losing control will make him redouble his efforts. But to the extent that the goal is important to him and that his skills are no longer effective, he will escalate or become openly abusive.

A favorite technique of abuse is to be passive-aggressive. The payoff for this approach is that it puts him in a position to exert the ability to control his environment by doing nothing while quietly orchestrating the frantic choreography of those around him, thereby avoiding responsibility for the results but being the primary beneficiary. The approach says that the one who cares least, wins.

Most victims immediate identify with this information. They may not have had a name for it before, but they find relief in finally putting a label on their experience. This will not register for Charmers. The degree to which he is a Charmer will be on a continuum based on his level of integrity. That continuum can range from simple demands for his own way to the diabolical and pathological examples of Ted Bundy or Hitler, with accompanying levels of destruction and victimization.

The people closest to a Charmer suffer most—those who are up close and personal, his captive audience. That usually means family members or those he needs most. The ones who enjoy an association with the Charmer and pay little or no price are usually part of his general public, one of his many audiences. They find it hard to believe anyone would not feel the same sense of fun, excitement, and privilege they do. They see him as charming. Since they have not been close enough to the flame to get singed, burned, or consumed, those people envy the ones in the Charmer’s inner circle.

Being in the company of the Charmer is very appealing. They are usually attractive people—or appealing in some way—with great communication skills, though not necessarily verbal. They are usually subtle in their demeanor. But there is a difference between having charisma and being a user. Instead of his charm being an outward expression of his inner self, he is self-absorbed with a purpose for his own gain, and his charm is his tool to manipulate.

Unless you have or someone you know has had firsthand experience, you probably would not recognize a Charmer or understand the hurt he or she can cause.

It is rare, and with great effort on the part of someone else, that a Charmer is finally exposed. Yet even after he is exposed, a Charmer will not recognize the truth about himself. The one who exposes a Charmer is usually attacked as the problem and suffers the loss of her own credibility, well-being, and even safety. They are viewed to be judgmental, jealous, mean, or a tattletale. Such a person risks a great deal trying to help. Regardless of the proofs presented, there are still legions of people who will refuse to believe evidence that reveals the truth. Those people prefer the comfort of their delusion, and they do not have to face doing anything about it. The Charmer is their champion—someone in charge of his own world with a clear path to getting what he is after.

When an attempt is made to expose a Charmer, he cannot quite figure out how it all happened. His relationships are so shallow and hit-and-run that feedback is not allowed to penetrate his awareness. He leaves a wake for someone else to clean up—if it is repairable at all.

To get his