Cage-Free: Escaping, Healing, and Rebuilding from the Prison of Abuse

By A. Michele

Many today are ensnared in relational dynamics that are poisonous to the mind, body, and soul. Initially, we may be deluded through tools of manipulation and deception into believing such exchanges are "normal" or "acceptable." Yet, when the patterns and behaviors become dangerous or unmanageable somehow, it becomes the proverbial wake-up call that's been needed; sometimes, for decades.
Unfortunately, in our world, multitudes are acting out of instinct, what's familiar, or that which seems outwardly appealing. We gravitate to risky people and situations out of comfort; the result of childhood wounds. Unsafe, negligent, or unloving relations might be all we have known. There are always invisible threads which lead us right back to our foundational roots, if we take the time to do the deep inner work. Nowhere can threats to our peace, happiness, or very existence be more apparent than when uncovering the discomforting topic of abuse.
Sadly, countless numbers of well-meaning individuals are trapped (at least in their own minds) in marriages, romantic pairings, or other associations that are chipping away daily at their existence. Forget joy; mere survival is the priority. This is a guarantee if attached in some way someone with a maladaptive personality. Whether that person has perpetual character traits of a narcissist, one with anti-social personality disorder, or has been officially diagnosed by a professional, such people will destroy your life, irrespective of the label.
After lugging around the burdens that stem from harmful early underpinnings, we simply must call a "time out" and take the necessary steps to work through our agonizing memories, so we can forge ahead with new vitality. Without this pause, we might remain for a lifetime in current destructive relationships or caught making the same injurious choices, by being drawn to the same type, only bearing a different name.
You will learn about how facing some of life's most unpleasant encounters taught Ms. Stevens invaluable lessons, strengthened her beyond belief, and gave her a renewed sense of purpose. Flaws exposed, vulnerability visible, she invites you to read without judgment and gain a glimpse of life's brutality from her perspective, and possibly even your own. Further, the narrative concludes with revelations and appeals to readers to come together in awareness and to acquire immediate and severe penalties and legislation, to hold accountable these social destroyers and safeguard all of our futures.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 31, 2020
• ISBN: 9781098325329

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Bibliography

LAYING THE GROUNDWORK

Common Thread

Only the harshest personal experiences open our eyes to the immaculate possibilities and the splendor of our world. (Oldster 2016)

It’s been said that by the time we reach our adult years we can, upon close scrutiny, trace a common thread from our early foundations forward—our individual journey here on planet earth. Based on what I have discovered through my own detailed accounts, I have to agree with this assessment. It might take a bit of unearthing, as we often cannot see the forest for the trees, but patterns (some positive, some damaging) typically emerge upon excavation of our private testimonies. The very unfortunate yet consistent thread woven through my own stint here has been one of abuse and neglect. Though it’s sad to say, there are multitudes whose lives speak this same narrative, albeit in differing ways, due to varying sources, and over divergent moments. Furthermore, I believe many more share this exact same history—one of mistreatment and negligence—than is readily apparent. I know this to be true because of accounts given in conversational group settings, or even in online forums oriented toward healing and enabling the truth to validate, inspire, and guide others.

Situations (poisonous or not) tend to repeat themselves within families too. In generation after generation, when the veil is lifted, we often find—without much effort—similar encounters. I wholeheartedly believe these occurrences echo through time because the majority of people refuse to deal directly and honestly with the hard stuff. Flat. Out. Refuse. Whether it’s by running from truth, lies, themselves, threats of another, pain, or something else, the uncomfortable but serious and life-altering problems are never tackled. We have a world full of people who take this irresponsible posture, and as a consequence most will continue on repeat like an old, warped cassette tape jammed in a portable player. On and on it goes, with no healthy resolution in sight; only the cry for one to press the eject button. Yet an abrupt exodus guarantees that future offspring will be involuntarily affected too. History tends to repeat itself.

I get it. I really do. I can see why the bulk of humanity has no inclination to lean into their pasts. Who really wants to call a timeout on the here and now to return to the ugliness of previous situations or incidents? Didn’t we escape, after all? Can’t we just shut the door on the past, lock it with a key, and put a reinforcing dead bolt on for good measure? Sounds appealing to me too. Yet one major problem with this approach is that it not only hinders your personal development and blocks the unleashing of your God-given, full potential on the rest of the world, but also increases the likelihood that you will pass along those exact same patterns to your own children, whether intentionally or not. An alternative issue that arises when not facing untimely pains is that this avoidance might influence you in becoming a projector (and I am not talking about the type from eighth grade science class with the plastic transparencies placed on top). No, rather you become the projector; one who displaces unwanted feelings onto others as a defense mechanism. When we talk about the product of our unwillingness to face our past encounters, it should become clear that this nonapproach serves no one. It doesn’t even serve us, although we fool ourselves into believing it does. In the quest to avoid reality, we lose a part of our own identity in addition to settling into a partially lived life. We limit ourselves from developing and becoming whole from the inside rather than through unreliable and faulty external shifts. But what do I know?

Actually, it turns out that I am the authority on me, God’s oversight aside. I may not have a PhD in psychology, but I absolutely have mastered my childhood and those horrendous events that followed as a result of my underpinnings. I have done the grueling, emotional, box-of-Kleenex-required work. It hasn’t been fun, and it hasn’t been pretty. But I can say now that it was worth it. I wouldn’t have ever chosen this path, however. I still struggle at points when I consider all the lost time, energy, and enjoyment. Because of this I am hopeful that I can encourage others to do the same, if they haven’t yet for one reason or another. It’s my prayer that by learning about some of the truly uncomfortable events in my narrative and seeing how I refused to give up (even though I really wanted to), others can recover from a troubled, hurtful background—especially if abuse was part of it. Further, I hope to paint with brush strokes of honesty, how we are primed to gather cooperatively, strategizing to combat malicious behavior occurring all around us. America is clamoring for solutions whether we know it or not.

Wasn’t I Already Here?

A few years ago, I came to a place where I could write about my very early programming, which I had processed to a large degree. So I wasn’t entirely certain why I had inadvertently found myself sitting aboard the struggle bus again; during this stretch, I was unable to gauge where the next stop was, where I could get off. I was riding to a destination unknown. It turns out I had foolishly climbed aboard the ride several years prior when I had opted to walk down the aisle to what was supposed to be a lifetime of marital bliss. Tragically, my wrestling with negative emotions was taking place due to my partner’s secrecy. His world profoundly impacted my world, as is true with all such unions. I am certain some of you will find that your reality unfolds in a similar fashion. You might have even received counseling regarding some previous choices but have now been retriggered due to the duplicity of someone else. Things get complicated—obviously. The human experience undeniably gets hairy. Nevertheless, I made the additional effort and am thankful for the answers I finally received from the years of questions asked during my marriage. The clarity came. I say all of this to embolden you in your journey of discovery and healing. If my story isn’t yours, that’s okay. I know many have lived through similar ordeals that I will I depict here. I believe that there will be something valuable to gain nonetheless. My goal is to outline a specific type of abuse, the way it manifests, how targets are decimated, and point to the obvious which reveals a need for legislation. Combatting these predators with punitive measures and appropriate consequences is crucial. Here goes!

A recurring problem needs nothing but a tactical head-on solution. The more you entertain your problems, the more you entertain your unhappiness. (Yeboah 2020)

Narcissism, Psychopathy, and Sociopathy

Before diving head first into the deeper reasoning for this account, it’s critical that we tackle some specific details as they pertain to the crux of the material. Clearly, I would presume that the vast majority of adults have heard the terms narcissism, psychopathy, and sociopathy spoken, even if the facts as they pertain to true designations remain fuzzy or unknown entirely. It’s imperative that these terms are outlined early on, so to guarantee we are on the same page. With these disorders, even many professionals are unable to entirely agree about some characterizations. Areas such as causes, severity, influences, and therapeutic success generate debate among those who study or even treat these types in their line of work. So, it’s crucial to keep that in mind. Further, later on upon entry into the meat of this writing, the opinions, perspectives, and illustrations shared will come from my direct, firsthand encounters and ties with these precarious types. The exchanges detailed come from real world interactions, not from one who holds a PhD in psychology and might remain removed from the actual impact of personal involvement, altogether. These individuals gravely harm the lives of those whom they have invaded; on a much more dangerous and distressing scale than would be grasped inside walls of mere therapy sessions. Let’s begin.

Narcissism -

The hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also have grandiose fantasies and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.

People with NPD often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way, which can enhance their own self-esteem. They tend to seek excessive admiration and attention and have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat.

(Narcissistic Personality Disorder | Psychology Today 2020)

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, according to the DSM-5, exhibit five or more of the following, which are present by early adulthood and across contexts:

A grandiose sense of self-importance

Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions

A need for excessive admiration

A sense of entitlement (to exceptional treatment)

Exploitation of others

A lack of empathy

Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy

Arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes

(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders ٢٠١٧)

Not all professionals are in agreement about the causes for NPD, but one psychology site offers these findings:

There is not a single defined cause of narcissistic personality disorder. But, researchers agree that both genetic and environmental causes are at play. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have been found to have less volume of gray matter in the left anterior insula, the part of the brain related to empathy, emotional regulation, compassion, and cognitive functioning.

Many of the traits of narcissistic personality disorder occur during normal stages of development. Scientists believe that full onset of narcissistic personality disorder may occur when interpersonal development during these phases is conflicted. Examples of types of negative or destructive interpersonal environments interacting with developmental phases include:

Being born with an oversensitive temperament

Learning manipulative behavior from parents or peers

Being excessively praised for good performance and excessively criticized for bad

Suffering from severe childhood abuse

Inconsistent parental care giving – unreliable or unpredictable care

Being overindulged by parents, peers, or family members

Being excessively admired with no realistic feedback to balance you with reality

Receiving excessive praise from parents or others over your looks or abilities

(Gregory 2020)

Psychopathy -

Psychopathy is characterized by the absence of empathy and the blunting of other affective states. Callousness, detachment and a lack of empathy enable psychopaths to be highly manipulative. Nevertheless, psychopathy is among the most difficult disorders to spot. Psychopaths can appear normal, even charming. Underneath, they lack any semblance of conscience. Their antisocial nature inclines them often (but by no means always) to criminality.

Psychopaths spark popular fascination and clinical anguish: Adult psychopathy is largely impervious to treatment, though programs exist to treat callous, unemotional youth in hopes of preventing them from maturing into psychopaths.

The terms psychopath and sociopath are often used interchangeably, but in correct parlance, a sociopath refers to a person with antisocial tendencies that are ascribed to social or environmental factors, whereas psychopathic traits are thought to be more innate. That said, a chaotic or violent upbringing may tip the scales for those already predisposed to the meanness and remorselessness of psychopathy.

Both constructs are most closely represented in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as Antisocial Personality Disorder. The DSM uses neither psychopathy nor sociopathy, though these terms are widely used in clinical and common vernacular.

Brain anatomy, genetics, and a person’s environment may all contribute to the development of psychopathic traits.

Psychopathy is a spectrum disorder and can be diagnosed using the 20-item Hare Psychopathy Checklist, which features traits such as lack of empathy, pathological lying, and impulsivity, each scored on a three-point scale based on whether the item does not apply (0), applies to a certain extent (1), or fully applies (2) to the individual. The bar for clinical psychopathy is a score of 30 or higher; serial killer Ted Bundy scored 39.

The revised version of the checklist includes the following characteristics:

Glibness/superficial charm

Grandiose sense of self-worth

Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom

Pathological lying

Conning/manipulative

Lack of remorse or guilt

Shallow affect (i. e., reduced emotional responses)

Callous/lack of empathy

Parasitic lifestyle

Poor behavioral controls

Promiscuous sexual behavior

Early behavioral problems

Lack of realistic, long-term goals

Impulsivity

Irresponsibility

Failure to accept responsibility for one’s own actions

Many short-term marital relationships

Juvenile delinquency

Revocation of conditional release (from prison)

Criminal versatility (i. e., commits diverse types of crimes)

(Psychopathy | Psychology Today 2020)

Sociopathy -

Sociopathy and sociopath are informal terms that refer to a pattern of antisocial behaviors and attitudes, including manipulative and deceitful behavior, often arising from environmental factors. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), sociopathy is most closely represented by Antisocial Personality Disorder. It is important to note that sociopathy is not a formal diagnosis, but is often invoked in discussing people on the antisocial spectrum, who generally display callous behavior with little regard for others.

Sociopaths may or may not be criminals, but they are often difficult to identify until one is very familiar with their behavior. Sociopaths are often manipulative, lie frequently, lack empathy, and have a weak conscience that allows them to act recklessly or aggressively, even when they know their deeds are wrong.

Traits of Sociopathy

Superficial charm and good intelligence

Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking

Absence of nervousness or neurotic manifestations

Unreliability

Untruthfulness and insincerity

Lack of remorse and shame

Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior

Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience

Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love

General poverty in major affective reactions

Specific loss of insight

Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations

Fantastic and uninviting behavior with alcohol and sometimes without

Suicide threats rarely carried out

Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated

Failure to follow any life plan

(Sociopathy | Psychology Today 2020)

(Thomas 2013)

These explanations and lists were each taken directly from Psychology Today’s website. This was done to maintain both consistency and quality with regard to sources. These details are imperative, as you will note many traits that an individual exhibits will come from one exact categorization, and yet they might have a few or even a significant number of features that are also applicable, yet fall under another categorization.

After soaking in these meanings and traits checklists, it’s unmistakable to note how unsafe, destructive, and even deadly these types are. Keep in mind however, the characterizations aren’t always in your face but rather muted in nuance in many instances. Anyone who is closely tied in an exchange with someone possessing these ways of thinking and behaving are right in the center of harm’s way. What’s customary, tragically is the fact that so, so many become caught into a perilous dynamic, oftentimes for years, before ever seeing the truth about who they really are. Underneath the exterior lies someone who has the ability to unleash untold degrees of damage; don’t let one be your marriage partner, either. So, while many offhandedly toss these labels around, the real severely disordered types are not to be dismissed for all the havoc, ruin, and pain when they show up. These are wolves in sheep’s clothing; they are sinister and many know with exactness just how to disguise who they are. Much like a well-quoted Bible verse here which warns of how the enemy comes as a deceiver: And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. (2 Corinthians 11:14, ESV). Valid. So valid here. Your tormenter does not approach with a caution sign flashing. No, the turncoat will slide up next to you, offering to assist, speak empty words of flattery and feel good compliments, or even the gifting of material trinkets. Be on-guard in today’s world.

For a precise example, in the situations with two separate, but highly intelligent male narcissists that I found myself roped to, they each have traits from these two other areas, as well; psychopathy and sociopathy. Further, within this book, the description for a covert narcissist absolutely fits both of the predators who were in my life. I am not interested in an official diagnosis, as the majority refuse analysis anyway. For those who actually agree to an arm-chair evaluation, dishonest and muted answers are given, so that defeats the purpose, as well. They lie constantly to themselves and others. You really never get all of the pieces with these characters. Personally, I journaled and documented the traits exhibited by them to arrive at my conclusion for what I was being subjected to. When someone meets the majority of criteria (those with one or two traits absent) found on expert lists, that’s enough of a verdict for me. I have my own mind and intelligence with which to connect the dots. In addition, boiled down to the most basic of human interactions, we must all learn to honestly ascertain whether or not one’s character and behaviors are safe or harmful. When we can inspect one’s words and conduct and come to the realization that most of what they do is risky, diabolical, and hurtful, it’s time to remove the individual from our vicinity; and permanently, if that’s viable.

Our trusting nature puts us at a disadvantage with these personalities, as they’re unfettered by emotional attachments, conscience, morals, laws, or ethics. For them, life has no stop signs. Rules, regulations, restrictions, locks, or fences are mere inconveniences to work around. And because you and I play by the rules, they view us as saps, losers, or objects of contempt, worthy of devaluation, derision, abuse, and perhaps elimination. (Navarro and Sciarra 2017)

Many Remain Uninformed and Clueless

His politeness, gentleness, alertness and evident intelligence camouflage his pathological behaviour. He has created an omnipotent image of himself. This acts as a buffer against the threatening external world and the destructive impact of his low self-esteem. His narcissistic defences are directed to ward off feelings of inadequacy, which he experiences when he feels that he does not receive the special attention that he needs. He has an inability to maintain integration and unity of different aspects of self. (Tudor 2015)

When I mention the terms narcissist and narcissism, I realize that a sizeable percentage of the population remains entirely uniformed or misguided about what these designations actually signify. Many remain unconcerned with the concepts, which results in a blasé response that undermines the severity of mistreatment these egoists dole out daily. So many flippantly slap the narcissism tag on the perpetual selfie-taker. Another segment of the masses has some awareness of what the disorder exemplifies but may not truly grasp the gravity of their cruel nature and often casually label everyone a narcissist. This is not acceptable either. Not everyone is a narcissist, at least in the pathological sense. A last, smaller percentage of individuals knows firsthand, through direct heartless and pain-riddled encounters, the horrendous conduct administered by these types intentionally and calculatingly as they themselves were either raised by, married to or, in other circumstance, trapped by one of these exploiters. It’s valid to note that we all have narcissistic traits. We simply differ in the number and demonstration thereof. These attributes fall on a spectrum as previously noted. The focus of discussion here is directed on those who embody full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), sometimes referred to as malignant narcissism, exhibiting the majority of the diagnostic traits deliberately and consistently even if they never receive an official diagnosis from a professional (most never do). Their lives are filtered through this dysfunctional way of thinking, believing, and behaving.

The devastation that individuals who rank high on the narcissistic continuum are capable of causing is almost unthinkable. They literally ruin lives. Some may snap in a moment of rage or act on some premeditated, murderous scheme, so the person targeted is eradicated in the most obvious way—extinguishing of life. Consider Ted Bundy, Jodi Arias, or even Chris Watts in the context of recent US history. Even on a macro scale, a multitude of world leaders have displayed the same heartless, brutal peculiarities. Think of malignant murderers such as Adolph Hitler or Joseph Stalin, who oversaw the mass slaughter of countless lives. Wicked to the core. Not all narcissists commit physical murder, although they do kill your soul should you remain in their vicinity for any length of time. More often than not, their conduct consists of never-ending, concealed harassment, emotional blackmail, spreading lies about their victims, or annihilating a target’s health, finances, energy, reputation, identity, or will to live (other times they enact all of the above). In our modern world, some utilize the internet to assassinate just the same with their keystrokes. This is a process that occurs systematically over a period of time. None of this is an exaggeration or a truth to merely be shrugged off, minimized, casually or apathetically dismissed. It really is that serious. Many have lived through such a true misfortune with no clear or simple path of escape. Others have fled their torturous captor in the sense of achieving physical distance yet have remain persecuted by stalking, either in person or in an electronic capacity. Detailed illustrations will be presented of these scenarios throughout the text.

In my own observation, I have noted how many have only one, thinly defined interpretation of what a person with NPD embodies. Often people believe that these types are solely marked by their evidently loud and boisterous personality. They erroneously assume a narcissist is inherently extra-flashy, drives a high end vehicle, lives in a palatial home, or has access to loads of money. Some narcissists are readily visible through such outward manifestations. These are often celebrities, politicians, world leaders, or even the CEOs of organizations. Some are obvious and tell on themselves quickly. But this isn’t the whole picture, and an extensive lack of knowledge leads many to foolishly believe that they can easily identify a narcissist. Yet, much of their postulation is based around this one, narrowly defined version of these predators. In fact these deceivers can be and often are more concealed to the average person than one might realize. They are often never detected initially as a threat to your wellbeing in any way but rather come across superficially as popular or fun. Some have a heightened capacity for self-control, and they are often intelligent, capable of duping the most sensible and sharp of individuals, including therapists holding PhDs. These types become all the more misleading over the course of their lives, as they acquire new methods of deception. This is why we must look past this limited perspective. Honestly, the well-known sketch of an obnoxious egoist is actually quite advantageous in that it allows you to spot such people and avoid them as you should. But you ought to be more cautious with the discreet, indistinct variety of narcissist, the one who goes to any extreme to veil his true nature. These people walk among us daily. Some, we work with. Others are neighbors or exist within our group of contacts. Still others are with us right at the Sunday dinner table or, worse yet, lying next to us in our beds.

Oftentimes the concealed narcissist is labeled as covert. There are varied perspectives on this term, in that some believe all such schemers have the ability to behave overtly (openly) or covertly (not intending to be known, seen, or found out) depending on the setting or agenda of the relevant action. Overt self-absorbed behavior mirrors the cases discussed in this chapter’s opening—those who are showy, outgoing, noticeable, almost performing. Covert narcissists are more unassuming; they tend to function in a cautious, stealth-like manner. Rather than outwardly bragging, they might attempt to exude an attitude of humility or shyness through practiced, scripted body language and word choice. Nevertheless, the covert characterization is so often overlooked. This is how these users gain access to your life. They have in fact modified their manner so that they are less easily detectable by others—this why they are so dangerous. The very last thing these frauds want is to be exposed and will stop at nothing to preserve the constructed image they convey to the world. I share this insight based on firsthand involvement with this kind of narcissist. Experience really is both the best and worst teacher: Through it, you irrefutably become proficient with regard to the dark side of humanity. The textbook descriptions can’t hold a candle to a real-life, tortuous exchange with these savages. Married life with one is a never-ending nightmare for which you are awake.

Given that so often the abusive predator is able to creep into our lives and remain obscured, how might we better recognize this type of person before it’s too late? Before we are entangled, trapped, drained from investing our time, love, energy, and resources into a futile situation, what are some features and behaviors to look for? Below is a list of identifying traits