Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD: Navigating the Maze of Emotional Liberation

By Lizzie Freeman

Are you traversing the challenging path of emotional turmoil, searching for a guiding light to lead you towards healing and empowerment?

Do you aspire to transform your relationship with past traumas, to turn each day into a celebration of strength and self-recovery?

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Top Notch International
• Release date: Nov 18, 2023
• ISBN: 9781915331915

Book preview

RECOVERY FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

1 

INTRODUCTION

The fact that you have this in your possession means that you have decided to take active action in your recovery from the ordeals that were inflicted upon you by the toxic narcissist, or you suspect that you are under the influence of a toxic narcissist, and want to know how you can identify the signs. Regardless of the reason, the fact remains that you are aware that there is something wrong in your current set of circumstances and that you want to take back control of your own life.

It is understood that before you can begin to recover from the effects of a toxic narcissist, you would have to understand how their mind works. You can consider this as a trigger warning of sorts, in that you would have to re-examine every aspect of your relationship to determine how much they were able to influence you to cede control of your life to their hands. You will understand that it also takes much effort to take back your life from theirs. This is not a recovery process that will grant you instantaneous results mind you, but it will ensure that you are able to piece yourself back, and become stronger than you originally were.

You need help, we should make no bones about that fact. You may consciously seek out help, you may find yourself in a situation where you think you might need help, and that is always a good idea. Throughout this section, you will understand what makes a toxic narcissist tick, and why they act the way they do. You will come to understand over time, that their actions and the consequences that arise therefrom, are not your fault, regardless of what they tell you. What you can do now, first of all, is to ensure that you are in a safe place to continue with this book, and read the rest of the section. It would do you no good if you were able to tip off the narcissist that you plan to be free from their influence. Their actions are subtle, and completely insidious so you will know that what happened to you is not on you, but completely on their actions.

Once you feel safe, you can continue to read the remainder of the passages of this book, and begin to plan your journey into recovery from the manipulations of the toxic narcissist.

2 

THE MYRIAD MAZE OF THE NARCISSIST

You may find that the traditional perception of a narcissist is that of a person who is completely self-absorbed to the point that they tend to ignore those around them. Such is the mythological antecedent from which the condition derives its name, from the myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection, and ignored everyone around him, to the detriment of the nymph, Echo. This is the more benign form of narcissism that most people are familiar with, the general idea that a person can be completely self-absorbed to the point that they ignore the passage of life around them. All their life, they have been told that it was all about me, me, me but never once gave a notion to think of others. This is where it begins to be more toxic, in that they would ignore others and their needs to ensure that only their needs are met.

A more clinical definition of narcissistic personality disorder is that it is a pattern of behavior that exhibits a fantasy of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration and gratification, and a lack of empathy. It occurs in approximately six percent of the general population, where seventy-five percent of the diagnosed cases are attributed to men.  It is pointed out though that there are characteristics of narcissism that may develop in adolescence, but they do not necessarily mean that the behavior will continue into adulthood. You can be assured however, that your teen would grow out of it, unless it begins to get out of hand. While it can be treated, it would entail individual psychotherapy.

It is suggested however, that if you find yourself in a relationship with the narcissist to simply choose to move on. It would be pointless to waste time to attempt to get them treated, as it is in their perception that there is nothing wrong with the way they behave. The possibility for treatment exists in the event that the narcissist does come to realize that their behavior has been toxic for those around them, but since such epiphanies can be uncommon, it would be best to cut your losses in time. You will understand later as you begin the recovery process later on in this book.

2.1  Who is a Narcissist?

This would be a very loaded question, as more common ideas of narcissists involve famous people, politicians, and celebrities. There may be some of these people who have a narcissistic personality disorder, but given their prominence in society, it would be easier to keep an eye on them. This section deals more about the narcissist who is able to hide who they are as a person, as the toxic narcissist is a person who presents two faces; the public face that shows their equanimity, and the private face where they show how toxic they are as a person.

The danger here with that is, that you can never tell who a narcissist is. The narcissist could exist in your workplace, in your school, or even in your own home. It could be a parent, a friend, a teacher, an officemate, or simply any person in authority who is on a power trip. The narcissist is a chameleon, able to camouflage their true intent with a warm smile that hides a cold and manipulative exterior. They are able to use charisma to cover up their need to control a person and erode them. This is what makes the toxic narcissist a danger to those who are unaware of the way they operate.

It would be difficult to simply separate narcissists from the shallow, self-centered versions and the ones who have some form of ill intent upon their would-be victims. Unfortunately for everyone, despite the best attempts to narrate the behaviors that are a red flag to indicate that a person is a narcissist, you have invested some form of emotion in your encounters with that person. That said, it is important to still understand what these red flags are so that the moment you are able to perceive them, you will no longer see the need to further emotionally invest yourself in a relationship with them, and you can preempt any potential pain once you cut contact with the narcissist.

You may have gone beyond the point of getting to know the narcissist however, for some, and you may have emotionally invested yourself some more in the hope that the narcissist would change for the better. They may sometimes show that they do change, however, remember that the narcissist is capable of hiding their own intentions behind a mask of charisma. Needless to say, it would be hard to reconcile someone who seems affable and charming with a person who deliberately seeks out to mess up a person.

While there are overlaps between different types of narcissists, it would be worthwhile to know just which type of people to look out for, so you can avoid any potential or intimate entanglements. They are simply not worth your time. No one wants to be a prisoner of their own mind. Know this, the narcissist is a great actor, and is able to mimic what you feel you want in a partner, but behind that façade is a darkness that they seek to hide from others until such time they choose to reveal themselves to you, by which point you are too emotionally dependent on the narcissist for fulfillment in your relationship. Try to keep Prince Hans in mind when you think of a narcissist, and you will see how the narcissist can present a front that can easily deceive even the most perceptive person. They would willfully prey upon the emotions of a vulnerable person, whom they could easily manipulate in accordance with their whims.

Psychopaths can include narcissists, and this term has been heavily misconstrued with other maladaptive behaviors of a person. After all, sometimes when a person acts in a way that is completely perverse, we refer to a person as a psycho, and that is not too far off. While it has to be emphasized that psychopathy is different from narcissism in a more clinical context, there are behaviors that overlap between the two conditions. One of which is a distinct lack of empathy. The narcissist, as you now know, is often self-absorbed, and as such, is intentionally neglectful of others once their needs are satisfied. You can expect that a narcissist would simply tell you to do this and that regardless of your health or emotional state. They simply do not really care at all. Aside from the lack of empathy, the narcissist is also very manipulative. You can expect that the narcissist will attempt to gaslight you in an attempt to distort your ability to perceive what is real and what is not. We will go into further detail later on this, but suffice it to say, gaslighting is its own ordeal. Lastly, it must be reiterated that the narcissist is able to hide their indifference behind an act. They can be charming, there is no doubt about that, especially if you have something that they desire, or you are the object of desire. Once they have obtained what they needed from you however, you will be discarded by them, and they could not care any less. The narcissist differs from a psychopath now, in that these behaviors are more apparent in a narcissist. They can engage in histrionics – behaviors where the narcissist seeks attention in a very shameless manner – be it a loud voice, or outfits that simply grab a person’s attention, or even the most outlandish behavior that one can engage in. A psychopath on the other hand is more subtle in their approach, in that they tend to operate more quietly and lull a victim into a false sense of safety before they make their move.

Sociopaths are another form of a narcissist, but again, are distinct from what a narcissistic personality is clinically defined as. The sociopath does share the lack of empathy with a narcissist and a psychopath, but is otherwise distinct from the narcissist. Where the narcissist and the psychopaths are great actors, the sociopath is more of a stick of dynamite, ready to explode at the slightest provocation once they are angered, irritated or annoyed. Do not take this as a case of all bite and no bark however, as the sociopath tends to be quite aggressive. The narcissist will be able to maintain a relationship, though this relationship is often one-sided. The sociopath on the other hand, is unable to maintain any form of relationship as they tend to be very confrontational. The narcissist will maintain a relationship but any flaws in the relationship will cause them to gaslight you and make you think that it is your fault, when it really is not. Take note of this trait of the narcissist as this often comes into play, especially when they attempt to manipulate your ability to perceive your environment.

There are other means by which a narcissist can make their behavior more manifest, but this will be discussed later on. Suffice it to say, that the narcissist is able to manipulate the ability of a person to perceive, and this is a trait that they would consistently employ as part of their abusive tactics. It would be wise to exercise caution. If possible, you would want to start with a record of entries, and detail every occurrence regardless of how insignificant it may be. This will prove useful in your recovery process.

3 

THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE NARCISSIST

It would be prudent to start this chapter with a trigger warning. Some of the content and actions of the narcissist may trigger unpleasant memories or reactions in the reader. Some of the content may also cause emotional distress to the reader.

Narcissism is not a disease that you can catch from someone, no. It is a psychological condition whose causes are unknown. Some people are just born to be narcissists, some people became narcissists because circumstances have forced them to.  Despite the best efforts of psychologists, it would be hard to determine what makes a person become a narcissist. The only way to determine the possible cause of how a person becomes a narcissist would be to delve into the mind of the said person. This would be harder than expected despite the relative simplicity of the solution. This is because it is rare that the narcissist would accept that they are the ones with a psychological issue. The narcissist is more likely to deny that they have anything wrong with them.

This is not to grant some modicum of sympathy to the narcissist however, if we intend to understand what made them the way they are. This is only to help us understand why they act the way they do and why they choose to bring ruination into someone’s life. Will this help with the recovery process? Perhaps. What this gives you though, is an edge to see that the narcissist has a sense of inadequacy that they project onto you, and that you can somehow use this to your advantage the moment you feel that the narcissist begins to verge on behavior that is abusive in turn.

One can gain the idea that the narcissist was themselves, abused, which is why they feel the need to abuse other people because it was all they have ever known. Does this justify the way they act? It will never be justifiable. Even though the narcissist may have known only that type of behavior then, at some point in their life, they have also been exposed to other types of emotional expression that are healthier and do not bring harm onto other people. Know that what the narcissist does is never your fault, no matter how logical they make it seem. The narcissist is an expert in how they shift blame to others so that they come out completely blameless. That aside, the narcissist may have learned abuse not from a family member, but from other members of society that they have encountered on a daily basis. We have established earlier that a narcissist can literally be anyone, even the nicest person on the street may turn out to be a narcissist behind closed doors.

The root of narcissism is sometimes attributed in early childhood, in that some children have the tendency to be quite self-centered. If you are a parent, how many times have you heard your child shout Me, me, me or mine, mine, mine. You may be forgiven for the idea that the child is a budding narcissist, but there is a crucial difference. The child is able to grow out of this behavior over time as they get exposed to different environments and experiences. The narcissist on the other hand, carries on with the behavior with an added sense of entitlement. The child tends to focus on themselves, because the child was raised with the notion that the world revolves around them. It is up to the parent now to foster more positive behaviors early on so that the child is able to develop properly. Children have been raised to never interrupt others, not to hurt others, and not to be mean to others. Psychological developmental stages also indicate that there are certain psychological needs for the child to fulfill at certain ages and that these needs must be satisfied so as to ensure that the child is able to develop at the proper psychological stage. This does not mean however, that you should let the child have free rein in this stage, as this is also the point in their life that you have to make an impression upon them and tell them which behaviors are alright, and which behaviors should not be encouraged. This is how the child is able to grow out of their selfish tendencies and behave properly.