People of Few Words : Fifty Writers from the Writers' Showcase of the Short Humour Site

By Swan Morrison

Fifty Short Humour stories from contributors to The Writers' Showcase of The Short Humour Site.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Mar 29, 2011
• ISBN: 9781447551294

Book preview

People of Few Words

____________________________

Fifty Writers from

The Writers’ Showcase of

The Short Humour Site

With an Introduction by

Swan Morrison

Copyright © 2009 – The Short Humour Site

The copyright of each piece in the collection remains with its writer. No piece, nor part of any piece, may be reproduced in any format without the explicit agreement of the writer.

Further details can be obtained from:

[e-mail]

ISBN: 978-1-4092-6863-5

eISBN: 978-1-44755-129-4

Dedicated to:

All writers and readers of Short Humour

People of Few Words

Welcome to the World of Short Humour!!

The Short Humour Site - www.Short-Humour.org.uk - was launched in 2006 to publish any type of humorous writing of around 500 words.

This book is a collection of work by fifty contributors to The Short Humour Site from across the world. It contains one piece by each writer, together with a few words about themselves.

Our philosophy has been to publish as many submissions as possible and to not presume to be arbiters of what is funny as we believe that readers, rather than editors, should decide what they like.

This book therefore includes an eclectic mix of material, some by writers who have been published extensively and others for whom this is their first time in print.

This book is also a way of saying thanks to the writers who have contributed to The Short Humour Site and who have, as one reader put it, made the world laugh in the process.

People of Few Words is published via Lulu.com at virtually no cost, and no profit is made by the Short Humour Site on any sales.

The Short Humour Site makes profits from the writing of Swan Morrison. These are currently donated to the UK registered charity, Friends of Teso (Uganda) - www.friends-of-teso-uganda.org.uk. Please look at that site to learn more and see how you might help.

The Short Humour Site Team hope that you enjoy the work of the fifty writers in this book and laugh as much as we have.

Enjoy!!

Brian Huggett (AKA Swan Morrison) - January 2009.

Cover Photograph:

This is the Radcliffe Camera, one of the most distinctive landmarks in Oxford, England.

Formerly the reading room of Oxford’s Bodleian Library, it was won by Swan Morrison in a poker game and now houses the Swan Morrison Library of Short Humour.

Photograph © Swan Morrison.

Lisa Barker - USA:

Lisa Barker writes Jelly Mom, a syndicated weekly humor column. She is also the author of Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane...Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent! (2006) and Before I Had Kids I Was a Size 9 (2008).

Read all about it at www.JellyMom.com.

Where Cheeseburgers Come From

Recently, while on vacation, the kids and I spied a little shop called Sin Sations.

Fresh baked donuts immediately sprang to mind and I drove over, but for the life of me I could not reconcile what I saw with the vision of glazed goodies dancing in my wee brain. Sin Sations is an adult shop and has nothing to do with bear claws and éclairs.

I'm not as worldly as I thought. Not by a long shot. Then, the kids started asking questions.

Ma, what's that shop?

It's not appropriate.

It says 'toys'.

Yes, but not for kids.

What is sex?

Who wants a Happy Meal? At least I know I can count on what I anticipate when I see golden arches.

Which reminds me…recently, the kids and I were gift buying and my son and I stepped into a shop with flashy lights, lava lamps and t-shirts with attitude in the window. We couldn't see the other items they offered until we stepped inside.

My son quickly announced that the store was not appropriate for us. A father of three little ones had reached the same conclusion and was quickly leading his children back out the door.

Once outside my son asked, Did you see that one t-shirt?

Was that all he saw? Thank you, God, for that! Isn't there a McDonald's around here? I asked, falling back on my tried and true change of topic.

It's getting so that I look for the golden arches as my savior for these types of situations. And it must be rubbing off on the kids.

Flipping through the television stations the other night a very inappropriate ad for wild young people appeared and was quickly changed. And, like Pavlov's dog, all the kids piped up: Can we get a McFlurry?

You know what this means, don't you?

It means I'm going to be spending a whole lot of money at McDonald's as the kids mature. For some there are the birds and bees. For me, it's double cheeseburgers and milkshakes.

Once upon a time Dad and Mom met at McDonald's and we ordered two double quarter-pounders with cheese…and, because we loved each other very much, they gave us five little cheeseburgers to boot!

I'm sure that lesson will be clear as ketchup.

Seriously, though, the kids already know where cheeseburgers come from. They also know all about condiments, too, thanks to Health Ed.

I just want them to wait until they find a good corn-fed patty on a wholesome whole-grain bun before they start thinking about making cheeseburgers. And I think they will. Thanks to my analogies, the older ones will never look at a cheeseburger the same again.

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Rumjhum Biswas - India:

The fiction and poetry of Rumjhum Biswas has been published in online and print magazines and anthologies in India and abroad. At present she lives in Chennai, India.

Her publication details etc. can be viewed at www.rumjhumbiswas.com and http://rumjhumkbiswas.wordpress.com/.

Rumjhum is the creator of the poetic form: 'The Trimerick'.

Puck And The Game Of Amour

(A ‘Trimerick’)

Oberon's jester, that little demon, that Puck

Into the deepest fog let poor mortals run amok!

Lysander, Demetrius and Helena too

were victims of Pucks naughty switcheroo

So if you ain't careful, you could well have the same bad luck!

Beware fellow mortals of dark forested nights

where the dancing damsels are mere tricks of lights

Nothing more than a play of Puck's love rite

Games played by that shrewd and knavish sprite

Just take care, coz you could never dare his mischievous might!

Brothers, sisters, friends and foes! Be forewarned, when it's spring!

Beware that Puck! He plays fast in the midst of your slumbering.

Within dreams and without Puck's follies gather

in all kinds of unaccustomed and uncanny weather

Hark now! Strange love ain't always a midsummer night's fling!

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Larry Blazek - USA:

I was born in Northern Indiana, but I moved to the southern part because the climate is more suited to cycling and the land is cheap. I have been publishing the magazine-format collage OPOSSUM HOLLER TAROT since 1983; I am coming out with an online version now that I have a computer, and I could use some submissions; will send the online version to anyone that requests it. I have been published in THE ZONE,POETRY MISSLE,UNDINIAL SONGS',MASQUE NOIR and LIME GREEN BULLDOZERS, among many others. [e-mail].

Travelling The Low Pass

The pavement winds over the highest of the hills once considered sacred, but the roughnecks still walk the low pass where natives once tread. The low pass circumnavigated the highest of the hills and wound through under-populated woodlands and forded small, rapid streams.

In following the path of his heart, a brunja came to the low pass. The first time that he negotiated it he impossibly drove an old tractor. Since that time, he had negotiated the pass several times and observed as a people with a strange brand of false righteousness settled the area. Once he came to that place during a time of much turmoil; someone seemed to be after him. What should I do? he asked his spirit guide.

Pretend to hide in this old barn. You must let them capture you.

He climbed into the loft. Soon he was found and led away. He was kept in a room of an old clapboard house with others who had been rounded up. The captives had their wrists bound with leather cords but the cord kept falling off of the brunja. The guard in charge of the captives saw this when he came to lead the prisoners to the kangaroo court.

All prisoners must be bound, the guard said almost apologetically as he replaced the binding.

The brunja smiled apologetically but the bindings soon worked their way loose again. The brunja listened in silence as one helpless person after another was unjustly accused and sentenced by the judge, a