People of Few Words : Volume 2 - Fifty More Writers from the Writers' Showcase of the Short Humour Site

By Swan Morrison

People of Few Words - Volume 2 is the second collection of work by contributors to the Short Humour Site from across the world. It contains one piece of 500 word 'Short Humour' by each of fifty writers, together with a brief biography of each writer.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Mar 31, 2011
• ISBN: 9781447582281

Book preview

Morrison.

Donna Amato - USA:

Donna Amato lives in Louisiana with her four children and family cat. When not writing, she works as a nurse. Her short stories and micro fiction tales have appeared in several online magazines and print anthologies. She is currently working on her first novel. You can visit her web site at: http://luvs2writela.tripod.com/.

M & M

Psssst…Reggie. Is it safe yet?

No, the security guard is still checking out panties in Women's Lingerie.

I don't care, I'm moving, said Dorothy. I've been bending over this camping equipment all day, my back is killing me.

Straightening up, she stretched, kicked the fake plastic camp fire out of the way, and moved to stand next to Reggie. Smiling, she placed her hand on his backside and posed.

You'll get us caught, whispered Reggie, not moving from his position.

So what? What could they possibly do to our plastic bodies that would be more undignified? asked Dorothy. Get down from there and let's have some fun.

You're idea of fun is always trouble.

They heard the guard whistling, the sound disappearing as he entered the elevator and the doors closed.

Are you happy now? asked Dorothy.

Reggie climbed down from the platform and followed her to Women's Clothing. He watched Dorothy stop in front of the full length mirror, turn to the side and look at her reflection.

Whoever stuck my head on this body should be shot. Is it too much to ask for decent breasts?

Oh great, here we go again, said Reggie.

Well look at them, they're pathetic. I mean if you're molding plastic what would it hurt to add a little in the chest area, and I won't even mention my derriere. No wonder none of my clothes fit.

I'm sick of hearing about it, said Reggie.

Really, have you looked down the front of your pants? Trust me you won't like what you see. Talk about cruelty.

Reggie's hand flew to his crouch. His eyes grew big as saucers. Those bastards!

Exactly, now let's get busy.

First they stopped at the jewelry counter and switched all the cubic zirconium stuff for real diamonds. They moved through the store pulling price tags off as they went. Checkout would have a ball with that. Finding a price gun they went along and marked down big ticket items to practically nothing. Reggie messed up the special displays while Dorothy went to the bathrooms to clog up the toilets with paper. They had a grand time.

As the sun started to rise they made their way back to the camping display.

That was great, said Reggie.

Almost makes up for our lot in life, answered Dorothy, a sad look on her face. She went and took her place bending over the fake campfire.

Not quite, said Reggie, winking at her.

As Harrods opened and the first customers trickled in, Reggie got down from his platform, spun Dorothy around, bent her over his arm and kissed her cold lips.

Now maybe we're even, he said, smiling, and put his hand on her pathetic chest and froze in place.

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Amanda Lawrence Auverigne - USA:

Amanda Lawrence Auverigne is a college student who writes works of fiction in her spare time. She lives in the United States and she resides in the faded splendor of a crumbling century old mansion.

Over Easy is one of her tales.

Please visit Amanda's website at: www.auverigne.com.

Over Easy

Hey, you want some eggs? Bob asked.

No thanks. That's a lot of cheese, Mildred said.

I like it cheesy, Bob said.

I don't. It's not melting though, Mildred said.

It will. Just give it time, Bob said.

Look, the eggs are bubbling. But the cheese is still whole, Mildred said.

It sure is. Let me do this, Bob said.

Watch the flame, Bob. You're getting eggs all over the stove. Why can't you just stir the eggs in the pan without trying to flip it all over the place? Mildred asked.

Cause this is how they do it on Food Network, Bob replied.

Well, those people on Food Network are what you may call professionals. See? Those cheese slices are still solid like rocks. Why did you use those? We have real aged cheddar in the fridge, Mildred said.

No, I used that on the fajitas last night. Why isn't this cheese melting? Bob asked.

Well it did. Just inside of the plastic, Mildred said.

Well I'll be. I forget to take the plastic off. Darn, and those were the last three eggs. Oh, well. You win some you lose some, Bob said.

Hey! Don't toss that in the garbage like that. You should let it cool off so that the plastic can won't melt, Mildred said.

Well, I guess it's just a slice of bread and a stick of butter for breakfast again. Care to join me? Bob asked.

No way. I'm going to Sheiik's. They got a 1.99 scramble plate, Mildred said.

1.99? I think I'll go with you, Bob said.

Bob, don't throw the bread away, Mildred said.

It's not like I'm gonna eat it later. Too much butter. Come on, I'll drive, Bob said.

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Holly Bohart - USA:

Holly Bohart, who lives in Maryland, USA, has been driven by the pressures (in the sense of boredom) of educational editing to write humor. Her husband firmly believes that she married him to acquire more writing material, and although this is not strictly true, he does come in handy for this purpose (as well as for many others). They live in an 1840s rowhouse that retains many of its original charming features, including dirt.

Canine Persuasion

Dear Homeowners,

It has come to our attention that you are in egregious violation of the standards of the Greater Ralston Homeowners' Association (hereafter referred to as the HOA, although we prefer Your Royal Highnesses) regarding canine ownership. HOA Rule 793205xiv%894 clearly states that all domiciles within its jurisdiction will retain at least one animal of canine persuasion, which shall be of a stature that is inversely related to the size of the dwelling. Based on our approximations of the square footage of your domicile, we have calculated a required canine stature of not less than 5 feet (standing height of 6 feet, 2 inches).

You have been sighted numerous times walking about the neighborhood alone, unaccompanied by a dog. This is in violation of Rule IIVXIIXIV. We begin to suspect that you do not own a cat, either, although this cannot be proven, as cats are not easily found if they do not wish to be.

Our community has standards to uphold, and regrettably, you have shown a marked unwillingness to support them. Your failure to comply with our mandate borders on anti-canine sentiment, which will NOT be tolerated in this community. Our neighborhood was founded on principles of equality among humans and canines, and we are charged with ensuring that this legacy continues.

We regret that, according to Rule BVK@@@J, we must impose sanctions for Failure to Retain a Canine, which shall include a fine of not less than $7,249,397. If violations continue, the offending homeowners shall be placed in the community dog run and, in full view of the public, slobbered upon by the approximately 1,926 dogs currently residing in the immediate area.

We trust, however, that now that this matter has been brought to your attention (and the dire consequences of continued violations duly set forth), you will realize your error and institute immediate action to rectify the situation. Within seven days, this HOA must have proof that you have acquired, and brought into your home with permanent intentions, a dog meeting the size requirements set forth earlier in this letter. We expect you and this canine to appear at the next scheduled HOA meeting, at which time the dog will be closely questioned to determine whether he or she is, indeed, a member of your household.

If you have any questions for us, such as why our Rules do not follow any established numbering system, please do not hesitate to contact us. We can be reached between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., except when we are out walking our dogs.

Sincerely yours,

Greater Ralston HOA Canine Task Force

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Charlie Britten - England:

Charlie Britten lives in southern England with her husband and cat. She enjoys taking holidays in Eastern Europe and is presently writing