The Fibber's Club: Remembrances of Boys Growing up in the Thirties

By Angela Saale Helmandollar

It is 1984 in a used car lot in Chillicothe, Missouri, as a group of old fibbers share stories of their good times and misadventures while growing up together in small town America during the 1930s. As Max and his aging buddies play cards and swap tales, they all agree that theres nothing like stories of the good old days.

Max begins by recalling the summer he turned eight and traveled with his family to his aunt Selmas house in Denton, Texas. Max thinks he has already seen lots of excitement just in the train trip there, but it is only after he meets his cousin, Gaylord, that he learns the true meaning of ornery. After Chuck confesses that his sister, Carrie, and her baby goat is the reason Principal Koodle banned all farm animals from school, he tells all the old fibbers exactly the reason why. As the stories continue through weddings and funerals, high school pranks, misfired fireworks, and one dead dog, the old fibbers gladly return in memory to a simpler time.

The Fibbers Club shares a collection of entertaining stories about young Max and his buddies as they embrace all life has to offer during an unforgettable era in Middle America.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jun 10, 2013
• ISBN: 9781475988949

Angela Saale Helmandollar

Angela Saale Helmandollar was born in Chillicothe, Missouri. She graduated from St. Joseph Academy and attended Northwest Missouri State University in Maryville, Missouri. Angie and her husband, Bob, had three children and live in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Book preview

Copyright © 2013 Angela Saale Helmandollar.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Certain characters in this work are historical figures, and certain events portrayed did take place. However, this is a work of fiction. All of the other characters, names, and events as well as all places, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.

iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

iUniverse

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.iuniverse.com

1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4759-8892-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-8893-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-8894-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013907968

iUniverse rev. date: 6/6/2013

Contents

1    Max: Aunt Selma’s Wedding, 1924

2    Frank: High School High jinx

3    Chuck: Not All Pets Are Dogs

4    Max: The Fireworks Kaper

5    Frank: Football Season

6    Max: Noel and Fun with the Big Round Ball

7    Frank: Scary—No!—Smelly—Yes!

8    Max: The Keeper of the Keys

9    Frank: The Class of ’32

10  Chuck: The Road Trip

11  Max: Buster

12  JC: The Indian That Catches Girls

13  Frank: Nate and the Choir

14  Max: Burial at Brainard

15  Frank: Summer Wine

16  Max: Gaylord Gets Hitched

About the Author

About the Book

Acknowledgments

In Praise of The Fibber’s Club

The names have been changed to protect the innocent, but the stories are true (or so they say). Angie Helmandollar takes us into the world of a group of retired BS’ers with too much time on their hands who weave together a collection of outrageous stories that take place in and around the small towns of 1930s Missouri. Read along with us as we eavesdrop on some of the best storytellers in Livingston County.

—Al Jardine, founding member of the Beach Boys

Big Sur, California

The Fibber’s Club is a very warm and funny grouping of stories that detail the young-to-married life of Gaylord Nance, Max Anderson, and their families and friends. The book reminds me of a time when life was much more simple and enjoyable. The amazing calamities that occur are sure to bring a smile to anyone’s face. I would highly recommend The Fibber’s Club to someone of any age. What a reflection in time.

—Alan Harlan, executive VP and GP of Symphony Services

Dallas, Texas

Angie Helmandollar’s Missouri stories bring her Norman Rockwell painting to life with a little splash of Huck and Tom colored in for good measure. Add a dash of Cosmo Kramer, and the adventures are like the Stooges trying to get through a doorway. Enjoy this trip back down the Rabbit Hole.

—John Renner, professional musician, Peoria, Arizona

These short stories by Angela Saale Helmandollar are extraordinary. Each tale is filled with details of fascinating events and mischievous capers involving family and friends in Chillicothe, Missouri, during the 1930s. These events and capers include: a wedding, a funeral, a strange-smelling car, fireworks, a motorcycle, a school reunion, and a dead dog named Buster that travels to different locations in a gift box tied with a red bow. The stories are full of surprising twists and turns. You will find yourself saying, Oh no! and then truly laughing. These are stories not easily forgotten; in fact, they may return to mind unexpectedly, inciting giggles.

—Lyndall Demere, PhD, MscD,

International Association of Metaphysicians

Big Sur, California

This book is dedicated to our daughter Robin,

who wrote her first book at the age of four

and was an inspiration to me.

Chillicothe, Missouri, May 1984

Glen’s A-1 Used Car Lot

I’ve got something I want to ask you guys, Frank announced as he came into the office. The car lot office wasn’t being used as a car lot office anymore. Glen’s son let all of Glen’s old friends use it as a meeting place. Glen had passed away a year ago.

What do you call a group of old guys who sit around, swap tales, and play cards? asked Frank. My wife calls us a gaggle of grumpy old men.

Gaggle is a group of girls.

No, that’s a gaggle of geese. We might be a bunch of old fibbers.

I don’t care what we are called, we have a good time sitting around and telling stories about the ‘good old days,’’’ said Max. Some may be exaggerated, especially that big whopper Johnny just told us about his fishing trip."

Everyone laughed.

Well it was a wonderful vacation, the best I ever had.

Max said, You all can talk about your best vacations, but I’ve got to go back a ways to tell you about mine …

1

Max:

Aunt Selma’s Wedding, 1924

I guess you could say that the summer when I turned eight years old was the best vacation I ever spent. Mom got a phone call from her sister, Eunice, who lived in Denton, Texas, with her family. She wanted to know if Mom, my baby sister, and I could come down to help her with my aunt Selma’s wedding.

What? Selma is getting married? Mom shouted into the phone. When did this happen? Who is she going to marry? When?

Wait a minute. I’ll get to all that, said Aunt Eunice. The bride to be they were talking about was a never-say-die, fifty-three-year-old spinster named Selma Brennen. The family had given up on a marriage for her. She lived in a large Victorian mansion with her dad, Grandpa Doc Brennen; and his wife, Beryl, who were in their eighties; Eunice and her husband, Buck; and their two children, Gaylord, eight years old, and Betty Lou, almost three. Oh yes, there was one more: Eunice and my mom’s brother, Franklin. Uncle Franklin had invented a device for oil drilling, made a lot of money, just quit work, and went to drinking. Their house had twelve bedrooms and several housemaids.

Mom finally answered, I would love to, but don’t you have enough help without me?

They aren’t the fun you are, answered Eunice. (My mother fun? This I wanted to see.)

Dad said yes, if we took the train down there. He would drive down for the wedding and bring us home.

There was a lot of excitement for the next month. School was almost out, and I could hardly wait to ride on the train and see my cousin Gaylord. He had bushy red hair that seemed to be everywhere at once. He was taller than I was, and he could think of all kinds of things to do. Boy would we have fun! Their house was just at the edge of town. They had barns and horses and chickens and goats and cats and dogs and trees to climb. There was a lot to do.

The big day was here, and the train was on time. So it was all aboard for Denton, Texas. Mary Louise and I looked out the window until she got sleepy and went to sleep on Mother’s lap. I was too excited to sleep.

Are we almost there? I must have asked Mother a hundred times.

No, not yet, was the answer every time.

The train finally started to slow down. I could see the Denton station, and standing on the platform was a redheaded kid about my age. It must be Gaylord. He was wearing short pants, and his knees were all skinned up, and he had a big black eye! I could hardly wait to find out how he got that shiner.

Finally, we got off and through the hellos and kisses with everyone. Mother and Aunt Eunice squealed when they saw each other. They loaded the bags into the car. Gaylord and I sat in the back.

How did you get that black eye? I asked.

Well, I’ll tell ya, it was like this … see, old man Craddock’s cherries were getting ripe, and I had checked them out early yesterday afternoon and decided that last night might be a good time to swipe me a few. I waited until it was real dark. Ya see, I had to be real quiet because of his ole Katahoochey.

"His what cat?"

"No, not a cat, a kind of dog. You know, Katahoochey, Gaylord explained. Anyway, I put on about six pairs of my dad’s socks so I can go down the back road real quiet like. All is going just fine, and I’m fixin’ to climb the fence. Fine, I’m startin’ to climb … so far so good. Then I reached up to get me some cherries; I only got three or four in my mouth, and then … not so good. That big ole Katahoochey snuck up on me and let out such a loud bark it almost made me pee my pants. Well … not so good, I turned and hit my eye on a branch. That made me lose my balance, and I fell off the fence and skinned up my knees. I ran as fast as I could all the way home. I heard ole man Craddock calling out, ‘Is there anyone out there? What is it, boy?’ to the dog. Next time, I’ll bring a chicken leg for that darned ole dog."

Sounds like a good plan to me.

Our rooms were on the second floor in the back of the house. I could see the back yard, chicken coops, and the barn from the window. Gaylord came into my room as I was changing into my play clothes.

Come on, I want to show you around.

I’m hurrying as fast as I can, I said, and then in no time flat, we were out the door, down the back stairs, and out to the backyard. Let the fun begin! Can we start with the chicken coop?

Naw, we pick up the eggs in the morning—that’s when the hens lay them. Let’s go to the barn; I have an idea. Gaylord opened the barn side door.

The place had three cows, but they were out in the pasture and only came into the barn to be milked twice a day. There were two horses in there—they could go out to the paddock when they wanted to sun themselves.

The Brennen family had a hired hand, Joe Ackerson, who took care of the animals. He also did odd jobs around the mansion and took care of hiring the painters, gardeners, and anyone else for outside help. Mrs. Henderson was the housekeeper. Under her was the cook and her helper. Then there were the maids and a butler and his helper. The male workers were to take care of the shoes, boots, and anything else that needed polishing. They were there to move, lift, or carry anything that needed moved, lifted, or carried. There was always somebody around to keep an eye on Gaylord and his sister, Betty Lou, too.

See all these cages? Gaylord pointed to a stack of different-sized cages.

Yes, what about them?

We can use them for our circus! I was sick with the chicken pox, and Ma wouldn’t let me go to the circus when it was in town. I think we should have a circus of our own.

But we don’t have any animals. Where will we get the animals?

We won’t have any trouble finding all the animals that we will need …

Well, looky here! See, Mr. Ackerson has a whole passel of paint here, pointed out Gaylord.

What are you going to paint?

Let the Adventures Begin

Oh dear, don’t you get it? We are fixin’ to paint stripes and polka dots on the cats and dogs.

But the paint is white. Gee whiz, what kind of animal is all white?

We will mix some of this here other colored paint with the white.

Where is the black paint to paint the spots and things?

"Well, let’s see, here is green and blue and leller."

"You mean yellow."

"That’s what I said, leller!"

Is that how they say it here in Texas? Leller?

That’s how I say it.

Okay. But we still don’t have any black.

"I know, we will make them lexotic, said Gaylord. You know … different looking.

Oh, you mean exotic.

We got busy and collected dogs and cats. We called Gaylord’s friends and told them about the circus and that we needed some more animals, and they all brought us theirs. We put the animals into the cages and then painted them lexotic colors with stripes and polka dots.

Gaylord said, Gee whiz, I’m getting hungry.

Me too.

The animals were beginning to make noise. Do you think they are hungry too? I asked Gaylord.

Well, we have all of them painted, so maybe after we eat, we can give them some food.

When we came up out of the basement we were met by one of the maids.

Where have you little rascals been? We have been looking all over for you. Just look at you! You have paint all over you. Come along and get cleaned up! You have to eat supper.

We got all cleaned up and came to the dinner table. Soon the phone started ringing, and we started to hear noises from the basement.

Boys, what is going on? asked Gaylord’s mother. I’m getting calls from all the neighbors wanting to know where their dogs and cats are. Do you have them?

Well, we were fixin’ to have a circus tomorrow, Gaylord confessed.

Then you do have them … do you or don’t you have them?

I looked down at my lap then and said, Well, after a fashion, we do.

What do you mean, after a fashion? mom asked.

Well, we have some exotic animals. We have some blue leopards and green zebras and—

What? What do you mean? Come on, show us, now!

As we got closer to the basement doors, the howling and yeowling got really loud. The adults turned on the lights and were shocked at what they saw.

I don’t believe it, said my mom.

There were cats and dogs in cages stacked all over the place. The animals were uncomfortable as they were painted all kinds of colors.

Fortunately, they didn’t use oil paint … we can wash them off with soap and water, said Buck Nance, Gaylord’s father.

They all took cages to the kitchen and the bathroom and put on rubber gloves to help hold the animals. They had people washing and people to help dry off the cats and dogs and feed them. Then Uncle Buck called the owners to come and pick them up.

Gaylord and I were sad that our circus didn’t work out.

No more painting, boys, announced Aunt Eunice. You will stay in the house tomorrow.

Later, in my room, Mother helped me change into my PJs. She said my eyes shined as I told her about painting the animals.

Yes, we got scratched, and the chickens pecked us, but they looked spectacular when we got finished. Didn’t you like the way they turned out? I asked her.

Yes, Max. Now, let’s get you tucked in bed. Give me a kiss good night. My mother kissed me and turned out the light. I thought of our wonderful circus with all the different colors. I smiled and said, Boy, that Gaylord can sure think of things to do. I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

The next day was quiet. Gaylord and I played in the house, and our mothers and Aunt Selma worked on the wedding plans. They were embroidering tea napkins and tablecloths. Grandma Brennen had a lot of very nice napkins and tablecloths, but they were afraid they wouldn’t be enough. They had invitations to write and envelopes to address. That evening after dinner, we boys went into the kitchen to play cards because the women were using the table for their sewing. We had just started to play Go Fish when my mother’s brother, Franklin, stumbled into the kitchen, drunk.

Hey, you boys, could you help me up the stairs?

Sure, Uncle Franklin.

Let’s go up the back stairs … there’s women in the dining room.

One, Two, Tie My Shoe

Gaylord and I got on either side of Franklin and helped him to his room. We sat him down on the side of the bed; he fell back on it, with his feet still on the floor.

Max, you take off his shoes and keep his feet on the floor, I’ll be right back.

When my cousin came back a few minutes later, he had a hammer and some nails.

What in the world are you going to do, Gaylord?

I’m fixin’ to nail his ole shoes to the floor, he replied. Gaylord hammered the nail into the left shoe and nailed it to the floor and then handed the hammer to me.

This was exciting, I had never nailed anything like a shoe before, so I nailed the right shoe to the floor. Then we put his feet back into his shoes and laced them up. We then took the hammer and nails down to the kitchen, where we went back to playing cards.

My mother came in and said, How are you boys getting along?

Just fine, I said.

What was all that banging?

Maybe it was Uncle Franklin; he went upstairs a little while ago.

You boys put up your cards and get ready for bed.

The next morning, Gaylord banged on my bedroom door and said, Get up, hoppin’ billy goats. We have to be downstairs to wait for Franklin to wake up. Quick, get dressed, let’s go!

We scurried down the back steps to the breakfast table.

Is Uncle Franklin down yet? Gaylord asked.

No, haven’t heard a sound from him yet, said Mrs. Henderson, the housekeeper. The other members of the family joined us at the kitchen table. I was enjoying my eggs and biscuits when we heard a blood curdling yell.

My God, it’s happened! I know you told me, Mom! Franklin screamed again, Oh Lord, I’m too young!

Everyone at the table jumped up and ran up the stairs to Franklin’s room.

What is wrong? Grandma Brennen asked him.

I’ve got the jake leg, and I am going to go blind. I know you told me that drinking that rot gut would do this to me.

Psst, I pulled on my mother’s skirts. What is rot gut, and what is jake leg?

Look, I can’t lift my legs! exclaimed Franklin. As soon as he said that he couldn’t move his feet, Gaylord and I began laughing. Right away, Gaylord’s dad looked at us, laughing.

Just a minute, he said as he reached down and untied Franklin’s shoes. There, try to lift your legs now.

Hey, I can move my legs now! Buck you are a miracle worker.

No, I’m not. It looks like the boys nailed your shoes to the floor.

Uh, oh, come on, Max! Let’s get the dickens out of here. Dad’s going to get us. We took off for the barn. Everyone had a good laugh.

Maybe this trick the boys pulled will make him think about his drinking, we heard Grandma Brennen saying on our way out.

Boy, we got out of there quick! Gaylord said. "I don’t think we better hide in the barn, though; it’s the first place they will look for us. Come on, let’s go down to the creek and look for tadpools."

What are tadpools?

Oh, you will see. Come on, Max.

We ran through the weeds in the pasture. The cows were lying in the shade of a big oak tree. When we got to the creek, it was dry.

The creek is empty, look no water, said Gaylord. We haven’t had any rain for a few weeks. Let’s look for some more water.

We walked on down a path to see where it would lead us, when we found a small pool. There was water coming out of some tile pipes.

It’s Not Mississippi Mud

I’m itching from the weeds, I complained.

Me too, let’s go for a swim.

How deep is this pool?

I don’t know; let’s just play around the edge.

"Will there be any … tadpools?"

We’ll see.

We played in the mud. We looked for tadpools, but didn’t find any.

Dad says that tadpools turn into frogs, said Gaylord.

Now I got it that he meant tadpoles, but