Free to Be Sexually Safe: Empowered to Be Aware and Take Action at All Ages

By Anjella E. Skerritt

Humans are innately sexual beings, so why do we have such a hard time talking about sex?

We must shift our attitudes surrounding sexuality and sexual safety toward empowerment to make decisions and take action to ensure sexual safety of individuals, families and communities. Author Anjella Skerritt, a registered nurse, midwife, and family nurse practitioner who has worked extensively in sexual and reproductive health, offers this guide to help start the discussion.

Parents are reluctant to talk honestly and openly about sex with their children; sexually active adults are reluctant to communicate honestly about their sexual history; and teens and adolescents pay the price imposed by this pervasive culture of shame, anxiety, and secrecy. Its time to peel away the embarrassment and start a new conversation.

By learning to talk honestly and openly about sex, you gain power over your life as a sexual being, and you give power to your childrens future sexual safety and happiness. Sex and sexuality are intensely private matters, but there shouldnt be secrets between lovers, and there shouldnt be shame when a parent discusses sex with his or her children.

Information is power; in Free to Be Sexually Safe, youll find the tools to start conversations about anatomy, safety, myths and taboos, urban legends, religion, and more. Sex is a natural, healthy part of life. By accepting the challenge to change the way you think and talk about sex, by taking full responsibility for your decisions and actions, and by extending respect toand expecting respect fromyour partners, you can change or save lives.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 20, 2012
• ISBN: 9781475948738

Anjella E. Skerritt

Anjella Skerritt, MBA, a native of Jamaica, is a registered nurse, midwife, and family nurse practitioner who has worked extensively in sexual and reproductive health. She managed the national HIV program in Montserrat where she lived and worked with related regional and international public health agencies. She also does volunteer work with NGOs.

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Copyright © 2012 by Anjella E. Skerritt

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-4871-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-4872-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-4873-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012916475

iUniverse rev. date: 9/18/2012

Contents

Introduction

1. Empowered to Be Sexually Safe

2. What My Mother Told Me

3. What I Told My Children

4. Children and Sex

5. Adolescents and Sex

6. Preparing for Sexual Debut

7. Myths and Taboos

8. Religion and Sex

9. Parents, Sex, and Values

10. The Elderly and Sex

11. Free Will

Epilogue

Endnotes

TO ALISON, MICHAEL AND OPAL

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Introduction

DON’T TALK TO BOYS. Keep your knees together. Keep both feet on the floor. Never sit on a boy’s lap. These are some of the things mothers tell their daughters about having sex and getting pregnant. Mothers often say these things around the time their daughters start menstruating. It is later discovered, when girls become women, that most of the advice their parents gave (if any at all) regarding sex does not prevent sex and pregnancy from happening or promote sexual safety. Boys seem to have fewer warnings. The one that jumps to mind is Make sure you don’t get a girl pregnant before you can support a child. The support referred to here is usually financial support.

Humans are innately sexual beings. Sex and sexuality are integral and important parts of life from birth to death. Yet sex is shrouded in silence and mystery. Cues are picked up from cultures, norms, human interactions, religious practices, print and electronic media. The focus is usually on what should not be done instead of on knowledge and skills that will encourage decision making and actions that promote sexual and reproductive health. Facts get mangled with myths and taboos, and when children become adults, they are ill-equipped and unprepared for safe and satisfying sexual relationships. They often have to find their way using trial and error, and most are not comfortable discussing concerns or sex-related problems with their partners, parents, or anyone.

It has been my experience that parents believe that if their children do not know about sex, they are safe. Their children’s curiosity will not be ignited; they will abstain from sex and remain pure. I strongly disagree with this. I firmly believe that parents have a responsibility to educate their children about sex and assist them in cultivating the tools and skills that will keep them sexually safe. Case in point—how many parents prepare their children for their first sexual experience when they decide to take that step? I was left to find my way and figure it out, as I presume most people are. If from that first sexual encounter, intercourse did not go well and there is not an appreciation for what is normal (such as soreness, no excessive pain…), what do they do, and where do they go? If this first encounter happens in the teenage years, how and where do they get the care and support they need to stay sexually healthy? They need to have money, knowledge, and access to health care. They need to know what to do and where to go. If parents are not a comfortable part of this support system, the teens may experience feelings of stress and anxiety and further increase their risk by seeking poor advice from their friends, who are often just as ill-equipped as they are. Even worse, they may ignore the issue, and a problem that had a straightforward and simple solution later becomes complicated. An example is leaving a sexually transmitted infection untreated, which later leads to infertility.

This book is not an academic paper. Rather, it is a compilation of my experiences and questions I had, how I interact with my children and other people on the subject of sex and sexuality. The stories I share are experiences I have had or that were related to me. Names have been omitted in some stories to maintain confidentiality. The main purpose of the book is to spark more passion and energy on the topic of being sexually safe at all ages. Sexuality needs to be a comfortable topic, like that of the common cold. It is time that stress and anxiety no longer are associated with saying the words sex, penis, and vagina at any age. Talking about the genitals must be similar to talking about the fingers and toes.

Cultures and social settings vary, and I know some of the stories I share will not apply to all. I do, however, believe that there is a universal need for parents to:

• remove the silence, shame, and mystery regarding sex and sexuality;

• educate their children on healthy sexual practices that are appropriate for their age;

• help children develop the tools that will keep them sexually safe at all ages;

• encourage role play and discussion with children on what they need to do if they are being touched inappropriately or feel unsafe;

• most important of all, create an environment in which children feel safe to talk about sex, ask questions, express concerns, and seek help.

Come on, be brave! You can do it!

A major hurdle to overcome—especially if one’s culture teaches that you do not talk about sex with children and one did not have that kind of interaction with his or her parents—is anxiety and uncertainty over what to say. I am careful to offer advice in this area, as what parents choose to share with their children is their prerogative and is often based on comfort levels, knowledge of the facts, religious beliefs, and cultural practices. I know parents want the best for their children, including their sexual safety. I believe the best way to keep anyone sexually safe is to ensure that he or she has the information and tools to help him or her make the decisions that are best for his or her circumstances.

This use of knowledge and skills is more automatic when it is developed in the formative years than it is when left to interpretation and reaction in a situation that the child does not understand as inappropriate. In other words, help the child develop a blueprint for sexual health that will assist him or her in being sexually safe during every stage of life. The important thing is to ensure you have the facts; children will find out eventually if you mislead them, and this does not build trust. If, as parents, you do not know something, admit that you don’t, and explore the issue together. Maybe groups of parents can get together and strategize on this. Children can also be encouraged to search for their own information. (They will anyway.) They can share what they learn and will be encouraged to ask questions and have discussions about what they learn outside the family circle.

If you are reading this, I pray you will be brave and courageous enough to take the steps to ensure that you and your family remain sexually safe. If you are already good at this, then I hope you will inspire others to do the same.

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CHAPTER ONE

Empowered to Be Sexually Safe

ENJOYING THE FREEDOM TO be our authentic selves is the most fulfilling way to live each minute of every day. This requires just being. There is a peace and an equilibrium that allows energy to flow when everything feels and is right. We are sexual beings from birth to death. We are born male and female. Sexual energy, health, and vitality are important parts of the equilibrium of being balanced and whole. Many people limit the word sex and the meaning of sex to sexual interactions and mainly to penetrative sexual intercourse. While this activity brings temporary ecstasy, this is only one part of being sexual beings. Touching and stimulating the body, especially the genitals, is an activity that feels good at all ages. We are all born with these body parts and feelings. This means the sensation, pleasure, and functions they give are not only enjoyable, but also essential for life. What a joy.

The challenge for each person, especially for parents, is talking about how to enjoy these body parts and experiences while being sexually safe. Some people may say life would be simpler if there was no sex. This would also mean a life without sexual ecstasy—how bland. This tells us something about the creator. He not only wants us to be happy and joyful, but also to be ecstatic.

The challenge lies in how each person uses these sensations and pleasures so that he or she is not manipulated and abused. How can sexual experiences at all ages be pleasurable and not painful? This answer, of course, has a lot to do with cultures, religions, and social norms that develop neurological associations about sex and sexuality. Sexual actions involve the entire body—the brain, emotions, and hormones as well as the sexual organs. Most cultures seek to protect children and sometimes adolescents from inappropriate, premature sexual experiences. It seems without exception that cultures everywhere have adults who are ready to prey on the young, inexperienced, poor, and vulnerable for their personal, selfish sexual gratification while disregarding the pain and emotional consequences this has on these blossoming souls.