Project Parent: Preparing Yourself for your Child's Sex Education

By Lin Myers Jovanovic, PhD

Parents worry about when to start teaching their kids about sex. Few received an adequate sex education from their own parents and being faced with it now can feel overwhelming.

This book is the first of its kind to teach parents how to prepare themselves to meet the challenge. The author, a long-time sex educator, therapist, and researcher, knows the pain that many parents experience. Accordingly, she has developed a 9-step program to take them through this process.

Each step provides brief information and practical exercises that guide parents into becoming the definitive sex educator in their child’s world. The exercises help them develop a much fuller understanding of when, where, and how their own attitudes and beliefs developed as well as clarifying what their values are. Advice and techniques for self-calming are included to help parents ease their anxiety about having sex conversations with their child.

The author also demonstrates ways for parents to raise the effectiveness of their communication skills and parental teamwork to a much higher level.

“Project Parent: Preparing Yourself for Your Child’s Sex Education” doesn’t stint on the nuts-and-bolts information. Readers will learn when topics are age appropriate, general resources for expanding their own sex education, and guidance on how to inform the other people in their child’s life about their wishes regarding their child’s upbringing. These cover members of extended and blended families, medical and school personnel, childcare or foster-care settings, and religious communities.

In addition, the author gives information and resources for a long list of specific child-rearing challenges: medical problems, mental illness, past sexual or physical abuse, and children who are gender diverse, questioning or transgender, deaf, blind, or on the autism spectrum.

Parents can’t just get over their anxieties, fear, or worries about their child’s sex education. They need information and insight and this is the book that will give them that. A no-nonsense and caring guide, it will navigate parents successfully through the rough waters of sex education.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Plain Spoken Parenting
• Release date: Jun 28, 2017
• ISBN: 9781386336952

Lin Myers Jovanovic, PhD

Lin Myers Jovanović, a long-time sex researcher, educator, speaker and therapist, is a professor of psychology at California State University, Stanislaus. She was inspired to write this book after working with families in her clinical practice and as a mother and grandmother. Her goal is to assure great sex education for adults and children to help them become happy and healthy parents and partners. She and her husband live in Grass Valley, California.

Book preview

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Step 1: When Sexuality Education Should Begin

Chapter 2 - Step 2: Managing Fears and Expectations

Chapter 3 - Step 3: Knowing Your Story

Chapter 4 - Step 4: Digging Deeper

Chapter 5 - Step 5: Attuning Your Values

Chapter 6 - Step 6: Teaming Up With Your Partner

Chapter 7 - Step 7: Getting the Facts

Chapter 8 - Step 8: The Talk: How You Show Up

Chapter 9 - Step 9: The Talk: Talking and Listening

Chapter 10 - Creating Healthy Family and Community Interactions

Chapter 11 - Nurturing Children Who Don’t Fit the Norm

About the Author

Project Parent: Preparing Yourself for Your Child’s Sex Education

Copyright © 2017 by Lin Myers Jovanović, PhD

Published by Plain Spoken Parenting

Editorial and Production Management: Janet Spencer King

www.spencerkingauthorservices.com

Cover and interior design: Karen Hudson

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced,

stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means,

electronic, mechanical, or otherwise,

without the prior written permission of the publisher, except for brief

quotations in articles and reviews.

Printed in the United States of American for Worldwide Distribution

ISBN: 978-0-9978635-0-5

Praise for Project Parent

"There is a great need for comprehensive sex education for children, especially by parents. This unique book is a wonderful resource to help them take on that role. The author shows empathy for parents’ anxieties and discomfort while being positive and encouraging about helping them meet this challenge. She guides adults in becoming aware of their own history and vulnerabilities about sex, which is enormously helpful in freeing them to be sex educators for their children. The information that provides quality sex education for special needs children is also impressive. Overall, the book is a valuable resource for adults who want to be positive models and sex educators for

their children."

— Barry McCarthy, PhD, author, professor, workshop presenter

I highly recommend this book for all parents who struggle with how and when to talk to their kids about sex. It helps parents identify aspects of their own experiences and upbringing that may hinder their attempts to communicate with their children. And it gives them information about how to overcome these barriers.

—Kate Shaw, PsyD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Lin Myers Jovanovic’s book is an easy-to-read, comprehensive guide for parents to help them navigate the often awkward task of educating their children about sex. She covers all bases, including exercises for parents to deal with their anxieties and fears about doing it ‘right.’ She invites them to reflect on their own sexual journey, starting at a young age when curiosity about sex begins. As well, the author shares her personal experience teaching her own children about sex. I highly recommend this book to parents of all ages; as she point out, it is never too early to start to help children develop a mature and healthy attitude toward sex and sexuality.

—Barbara Desmarais, Parenting and Life Coach

As a development couples counselor I marveled at the author’s ability to design meaningful exercises for parents to foster teamwork as well as growth for each individual partner. These will help parents grow in their own sexual development and guide them in identifying their current parenting styles. The book’s exercises also help parents learn ways to better communicate in general, which they can apply to all areas of their relationship. It is an impressive book that is rich with guidance and information.

—Kelly Scharver, LPC, Mom and Couples Counselor

This aptly named book teaches how to handle the important and sensitive subject of children and sexuality. The author shares her knowledge and experience as a parent, researcher, and sex therapist. The book includes valuable information and many practical exercises that will help all parents conduct sex education for their children. It is a great source of wisdom and knowledge and a must have for parents everywhere.

—Charlotta Löfgren-Mårtenson, PhD, Director Centre for Sexology and Sexuality Studies, Malmö University

Acknowledgments

The idea of this book came from my work with parents who often expressed their concerns about how to begin the conversation with their children about tough topics like sex. I am indebted to them for showing me where they most needed help.

I am grateful to the many colleagues and students who have helped and encouraged me about this book especially Susan Goodwyn, who supported my dream from the beginning. I also want to express my gratitude to Tara Lain, who conducted her thesis work on parents’ comfort with talking to their children about sex. My thanks as well to the Master Mentoring group led by the amazing Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter Pearson, PhD, of the Couples Institute. The group members have been my bedrock with ideas, support, and love as I navigated the many difficult parts of writing this book. I appreciate you all beyond words.

I owe a debt of gratitude to a number of people who looked at various drafts of the manuscript and contributed their ideas: Leanne Jacobson, Lexie Lee, Nicole Pallios, Dr. Alex Iantaffi, Megan Mooneyham Williamson, and Sarah Kiehl. Their feedback helped shape it into an accessible resource for parents.

I now fully understand why authors thank their editors. My deep thanks goes to Janet Spencer King, my editor, for her firm but kind hand in turning my writing into accessible content for parents. Her expertise has been invaluable.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my children, Tiffany Macias, Ashlie Myers, Celeste Myers Gray, and Logan Bowers, who chose me to be their mother and have taught me to be a better person. And to my husband, Branislav Jovanovic, whose support and love helped make this dream come true.

Introduction

What in the world do I say to my kids about sex?

Most of us grew up in a world where sexuality and the specifics about intimate relationships were a mystery. That’s pretty amazing given all the information out there in the world about sex and relationships. Yet, parents in the 21st century are still unsure when and how to start sex education with their children and are resigned to all of it being scary and awkward.

As a sex educator, researcher, and therapist for over 25 years, I have seen firsthand the pain, awkwardness, and consequences of people who felt lost in navigating sex and relationships. I wrote this book specifically to help parents get beyond the pain, to feel prepared, and to deliver their values and accurate knowledge with confidence to their children. Plus there’s a bonus: parents will become much more comfortable about their own sexual relationships.

I didn’t become a mother until I was 44 years old. Because I had an infertility problem I eventually had to decide if I would adopt. At the time I was single, but I determined that I needed to act on this now. I ended up bringing two sisters, then ten and eleven years old, into my home. They had come from a difficult background and I knew raising them would be a challenge.

Even as a sex researcher and educator for so many years, I was somewhat unprepared for the first instance of how sexuality popped up in our lives. As I was folding clothes one day, the girls ran in from the park at the end of our block, burst into the room, and asked me what a blowjob was. Luckily, I had my face turned away from them and had a moment to take a deep breath. I was able first to calmly ask them where they had heard that term and they explained that an older boy at the park had said it. Now, this was when the Clinton impeachment trial was going on and the term blowjob was out there in public in a way it had never been before. With another deep breath, I said, That is when a person puts his or her mouth on the genitals of another person for pleasure. The girls looked at each other, said ew, and ran back out to play.

I was exhausted from just that one brief conversation! I was glad I had the presence of mind to ask them where they had heard this and I followed it up by quickly walking to the park to find the 15-year-old who was the culprit. In no uncertain terms I explained to him that if he wanted to talk about things like that again, it had better not be to my girls.

In that experience I was confronted fully with many things about being a parent: how I would respond to questions out of the blue, what I would actually say to my kids, and how I would need to protect them in this world. My extensive education in aspects of human sexuality certainly helped me, but it didn’t prepare me for the challenges of parenting my own children.

My purpose in this book is to help coach parents in how to navigate the various ways their children’s sexual and relational selves will emerge as they grow up. No matter the age of their children now, parents can start today to build a bridge that will open up conversations with them about their bodies and their connections to others.

Parents have a variety of concerns about this part of their parenting. Are these some of yours?

I won’t know what to say

I don’t know the right time to begin

I don’t know enough about the topic

My partner wants me to do this alone or he or she will be upset with me if I speak about sex to our children

The kids might ask me about my sex life or my relationship

What if they talk to their friends about what we’ve talked about?

I don’t know what is appropriate to discuss with my daughter vs. my son

You will learn in Step 1 of this book that children’s sexuality and the desire to connect with others begins at birth and continues to unfold over the years. You might be surprised to learn that research has shown as children grow, they want their parents to be their primary source of information about sex and relationships. They may not always be receptive to these types of conversations, but they want that connection with you; they want to learn about your values and they want to feel safer to go into the world of relationships and sexuality.

Past experience often leads to beliefs and attitudes that also keep parents from educating their children. Are these some of yours?

I’ll be too anxious to talk with my kids or answer their questions

If I talk to them about sex too early they will go out and experiment

It’s against my religion to talk about these things

Talking about sex will scare the children

It is the mother’s job

We will all be too embarrassed

The kids aren’t old enough yet to know about these things

Is the right time to talk with them about sex when they start asking questions?

Life is full of events that make parents anxious or reactive. In Step 2 you will learn techniques for overcoming your fears and anxieties. Research shows that giving children an ongoing sex education has some powerful effects: children taught this way engage in sexual behaviors at an older age than average; they are much less likely to get pregnant or get someone pregnant, and they are also much less likely to contract an sexually transmitted disease (STD.) These are