Post Traumatic Sex Disorder

By Jakk Maddox

Three kinds of sex; professional, abusive, and meaningless. Using the power of poetry Maddox takes you on a journey through his life and everyone "in" it. The boy who became a sex worker at seventeen overcomes the cycle of abuse and addiction in this very dramatic telling of what trauma does to the brain.
"Break my back like you broke my heart."
It's fast, blunt, and intense.
Buckle up.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tablo Publishing
• Release date: Feb 7, 2020
• ISBN: 9781922381583

Book preview

Act 1: désensibilisé

Untitled:

Cursed.

Rehearsed.

When was your first heartbreak?

Was it your father?

Your mother?

Was it death?

Was it a pet?

When you first saw violence?

When you stayed in silence?

Was it being in the closet?

Was it society?

How do I set the tone?

I’m alone.

Alone.

Alone.

I feel so

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

Home.

I want a home.

Warm.

Where there is no fighting.

No screaming.

What happened to family?

Broken kid

Falls for broken kid.

Life works like that.

Shared trauma isn’t love.

But in this story…

In this story

it was.

We run from signs

sent from above.

We run from reality.

Love.

What is love?

Sex.

What is sex?

Is it just a fleeting emotion to make you feel blessed?

Stress.

How do kids comprehend stress?

What does it mean to be queer and a teen…

No guidance, no saving from what will be seen.

Sexual violence.

We see it everyday.

Do we escape?

How do we stop the cycle?

John.

My name is John.

You can call me Jack.

Like JFK.

Like my moms dad.

Tone.

Set.

Ready?

Go.

fifteen:

I was fifteen.

He was forty-two.

Fucked for the first time.

Didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to.

There goes my innocence.

Can’t turn back again.

Emotions I’d never felt before.

Didn’t know I was wrong.

Now I struggle to be pure.

I swore that he cared.

I wanted it, I loved it, never scared.

Didn’t know it was wrong but the secrets ate me alive

just like they do.

Suppressed.

Suppressed emotions.

Emotions turn to stress.

Depressed.

I was in lust but they say It was molest.

Depressed.

What they say is true.

Now I’m just depressed. 

I was fifteen.

He was forty-two.

History Class:

We met in history class.

I wish I could go back.

I would have passed.

Jayden became my best friend.

He sat behind me.

Tried to sell drugs to him.

We became inseparable.

I was infatuated with him.

He was in the closet.

Still dating girls.

But I knew what would happen.

I could see it in his curls.

His  hair was soft with a perfect s pattern.

Skin like coffee and eyes that made me dream.

If only you could hear him sing.

I fell in love.

He was an artist.

Every day in class I remember how I wished that time could last.

Just wanted to be with him.

Forever.

Just wanted to be with him.

Just wanted to be with him.

Forever.

undercover:

Our love is undercover

you are dating my friend.

She had hopes for you when.

Our love is undercover.

We fuck on my couch for the very first time.

I never had sex with someone I was in love with before.

This is crazy

it’s wild

I need more.

Our love is undercover.

You tell me keep it secret.

Protected, you’re  my lover.

How deep can we go?

I feel you in my soul.

Our love is undercover.

You tell me about the pain you’re in.

We’ve seen the same things since we were kids.

Dads on drugs, family isn’t the same.

Our love was rooted in that name.

We lost our innocence the same exact way.

You tell me about how you do it for pay.

I'll keep your secret safe where we lay.

Our love is undercover.

To the world you are my best friend.

Inside the walls of the bed room you are my mine.

Undercover, underage, under stress, underpaid.

Your love was the start.

I prayed, Jayden, please don’t break my heart.

exstrange:

I brought Jayden to his house.

I don’t know why.

But I did.

I showed him the man I first had sex with.

It had been a few years and he had gotten older.

It was a moment of understanding.

A moment of clarity.

Why I am who I am.

The love of my life sitting next to my abuser.

I stared at both of them.

Are they both my abusers? 

The following night Jayden did the same.

The guy he used to fuck.

His man was white.

Mine was black.

Are these men us years into the future?

Alone, drunk, buying love, having sex with young?

I hope not.

He talked about his kids.

His ex wife and the military.

Mine was in the navy.

The parallels kept seeming to draw.

He bought us beer.

We took it back to our friends.

If only they knew who we really were.

What would they think? 

But now I know why Jayden is Jayden and he knows why I am me.

The exchange. 

We shared our scars.

Bonded our hearts. 

And we still loved just the same.

We loved each other.

More than we loved cocaine.

What does it mean to be seventeen?

monologue #1:

There was a night back when we first got together, I don’t remember the date but it was cold. Maybe fall or winter? In Jersey, the sky would be so gray during the cold months, relating my sadness to the color of the air. Jayden and I had posted an ad on Craigslist offering ourselves for a lot less than we should have. But we were seventeen so we didn’t exactly have full clarity of our surroundings. He told me he was used to this and had been doing it for a while so I listened. I was so in love, so infatuated with him, he probably could have convinced me to walk off a cliff... in hindsight he kind of did. So we posted our ad, a two for one deal one top and one bottom we knew it would sell. We got a lot of responses, our phones blew up quick. All kinds of ugly old men sending us pictures of their dicks promising us money and whatever we wanted. One was ready for us right away so we showered got dressed and jumped in the car. I was nervous, literally scared shitless. What the fuck is happening? But I would just keep looking over to his eyes and he promised me that everything was going to be fine. He promised that everything was going to be okay because he loved me and knew that I would stay. Because my self worth was dependent on his validation. This guys house wasn’t far from where we lived and when he opened the door he quickly made us rush in. He introduced himself, I forget his name but damn was he ugly I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. The three of us got in bed together he started sucking my boyfriends dick and I started sucking his and I remember looking up into Jayden’s eyes and he could tell exactly how I felt. He knew this wasn’t what I wanted to do but we kept going. Collected the cash and we left. We got in the car and he told me I can’t believe how sad you looked .... I’ll never forget him saying that. Like I was supposed to be happy? This wasn’t love but it was the only thing I had that was close enough. I didn’t wanna cry, I pushed it down and kept my tears inside. 

I’ll never forget that night because it was the first time. When I look back that image just plays in my mind I wish I could forget. I think after that alcohol became my best friend. Anything to make me forget did.

booked:

Desensitized,

detached from what I used to be

now this is a thing.

We are sex workers.

Prostitutes.

Underage

suppressed.

kept away

My boyfriend calls it booked.

When we find a client,

a man we can fuck.

He makes it seem fun.

We spend the morning online.

There’s usually arguing.

Crying.

Why can’t we live regular lives?

Slamming the door.

Slamming windows.

Wishing death upon each other.

Then we get the book 

The email comes in.

We get the address and go.

In the car we always rehearse different stories.

Make up lives of where we are from and who we are.

Never use our real names.

He holds my hand while I drive.

Tells me he loves me.

His puppy dog eyes are deep like the night, he’s so handsome so perfect, his smile keeps me alive.

Some clients want to watch us fuck.

Some want to fuck me.

Some wanted to be fucked by him.

Do all these men know we are just kids? 

We get to a house in a very nice place.

Town homes that Eagles players live in, the lawns are perfect and the cars are new.

He made us watch movies.

Ones from his own childhood.

I think it was Chevy Chase, the Christmas one.

Upstairs we go in the bed.

A full threesome.

We do everything and more.

We take our cash.

He locks the door.

There was something strange.

So we promise not to see him again.

We never go solo.

That’s the rule.

Then one night a few days later, Jayden comes home after being with friends.

We fuck for a while then he tells me the truth.

I just fucked that book for some cash and a bottle 

He lied.

We drank the whiskey.

I cried.

He broke the rule.

And then fucked me right after.

This was my happy ever after? 

I drank the booze that was earned by deception.

When I swallowed the shot I also swallowed my self esteem.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to leave.

But I just wanted Jayden to love me.

dirty shoes:

The solo rule had been broken.

Now all I can ask for is honesty and to be informed at least.

Jayden has a book in Center City.

Philly.

We both wanted Doc Martens.

This man would get them for us.

I park my car.

I sneak into a bar.

I drink.

I drink for hours,

by myself while he does what he has to do.

Finally he comes back.

He gets served too.

We drink.

We get very drunk.

Beer.

Shots.

Shots.

Beer.

I hold him tight and kiss his face.

Showing off my man to everyone in the room.

I’m proud to be his.

I’m proud of the looks that they give.

We look like the perfect all American gay couple.

But we’re only teens.

We’ve seen more than half the people in this bar have seen.

We open up the shoes.

The smell is so brand new.

Then we leave.

We promised my younger sister we would sneak her to the dance.

She was grounded.

We got her there.

Drunk and sad as I was, my family is number one.

She looks at us like we’re the sun.

My family has no idea who we are at this point.

Our secretes still safe.

In public we look great. 

Thought he was gonna hit me that night cuz I wanted to stay in.

He screamed and threw a fit.

Left me to sleep alone.

God knows where he would go.

But we got the shoes.

my first solo:

Picked up down the street.

I walked in the cold, the trees were bare.

I had never been in a Range Rover before.

Lights pass me again and again I’m waiting for one to pull over.

Finally it’s him.

I get in.

His name is Terry.

How are you, here warm up I’ll turn the seat heaters on, he tells me.

The heat gets warm and I put my belt on.

Everything is custom in here I just got this model. He turns on the touch screen for me to play music.

I found Rihanna thank goodness.

We drive and we talk about the rules.

We were going to a nice restaurant in town and had a hotel booked down the street for after.

This was so much more legit than sucking dick for shoes with my boyfriend.

If anyone sees us eating and says hello to me just go along with me when I say you are my nephew okay?

No problem I say.

I’m good at playing this game I smile and grab his leg.

My skills are just as good as the adults that do it.