56 Men And Other Mistakes 100 Stories Of Sex, Pancakes And Don't-Stay-The-Night Stands

By Lynn Halsted

Meet Lynn, a something-something year old woman from Los Angeles. She’s lived in Chicago, New York and even Iowa City, Iowa. Her job has enabled her to not only travel throughout the entire US, but also have a bunch of fun adventures along the way.

She’s fallen in love, been married, had affairs, and of course, had the pleasure of being dumped. She recorded all these events in journals that she wrote for the past 26 years. 56 Men and Other Mistakes is a compilation of those memories.

There’s “The List” of every guy Lynn had sex with; from the beginning to #71. The stories are funny, revealing and a little embarrassing. And they’re all true.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lynn Halsted
• Release date: Jan 12, 2016
• ISBN: 9781311395757

Lynn Halsted

Lynn is a something-something writer based in Los Angeles. She’s got one thing on her mind at all times, pancakes. (she explains why in her memoire “56 Men and Other Mistakes”) Lynn drafts hot, steamy erotic tales in unique, exciting situations. Witty, honest and never judgmental.

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FIND IT FASTER – Table of Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

CHAPTER ONE

#1 - Pancakes

One of my favorite foods of all time is pancakes. It’s not just the fluffiness of them, or the drowning in syrup and butter. I love the way they are thick in your mouth and go perfect with bacon. But the main reason why I love pancakes so much is because the only time I eat them is after I’ve had sex.

Much like the rules of The List, pancakes can only be consumed after a fuck. But you’ve got a little time between him pulling out and you tucking in. There’s basically a 24-hour window period between the sex and the pancakes. This added time frame is necessary because if the sex is really good, you won’t be hungry afterwards. Or conscious.

Sadly enough there have been times in my life when I haven’t had much company in my pants and I’ve still wanted something other than eggs. Luckily there is a caveat to the pancake rule that makes the waiting a little easier. Waffles or crepes are okay. But don’t get used to them. While both of those items are great, eating them is like masturbation. Yes, you can enjoy it, but it just leaves you wanting something thicker.

Moral of the story, a real breakfast of champions requires a condom.

#2 - Cherries

Eating fruit, in general, is a very risky thing. You can’t be sure it’s going to be fresh or sweet until you’ve bit into it. Kind of like getting your cherry popped. Is this any good? Was I any good (According to #1, I was) But in terms of his performance, I just don’t know. I had no point of reference. I remember when I ran into him in New York 10 years later, I wanted to have sex with him again, just to show him what I’d learned and see what his deal was. We made out on my roof top but that was about it. The roof wasn’t very fuck friendly and my not quite boyfriend was sleeping in our apartment downstairs.

#1 wasn’t my boyfriend or anything. Just someone I had been chasing all over Los Angeles for a year. The first time I met him, at the Beverly Hills YMCA, I knew he’d be The One. After months of me giving him massages and exploratory kisses, the night was planned. He was going to make me dinner and I was going to lose it.

He made his signature dish, some chicken thing. We got drunk on port wine and I wasn’t a big enough of a drinker to realize that’s a lame assed way to try and get a buzz. And it’s fattening.

His bed was a mattress on the floor and soon I was naked on top of it. I remember, right before entry, I asked him if it would hurt.

I can’t promise anything. Just kiss me.

And so I did. And in it went. I even wrapped my legs around him. See, I was a natural. The next day I wanted to vomit and cry. I was saddened to lose my virgin status but also excited to see what was in store for my puss puss. I mean, #1 had broken through the barrier and I was on my way.

Moral of the story, The journey of a lifetime of sex begins with a first fuck. Lao Tzu & Lynn Halsted.

#3 - QVC

I like to shop, but not usually off TV. I prefer a little internet action if I’m impulse buying and don’t feel like putting on any makeup. It’s especially fun to do that when you’re unemployed.

Before we got married, Ex-Husband #2 (#60), spent a lot of time on the phone together. This wasn’t just a sexual relationship, it was the real thing. I mean, he was kind of broke, it had to be love. Ex-Husband #2 wasn’t out buying me much jewelry but I didn’t care. He was the love of my life and amazing in the sack. Who needs jewelry when you’ve got loving cock? (even my wedding ring was a family heirloom. My family).

Every once in a while, he’d give me a call and tell me to put on the TV.

Turn to channel 487. I’m buying you this ring.

Giddy with anticipation, I’d flip to QVC. On the screen would be the most garrish ring I’d ever seen. Thick and diamondy and just, gaudy as fuck. It would be a tragedy to put something that horrific on my thin fingers.

Luckily, he never had the $4,726 (or 3 easy payments of $1,575.33) to purchase such a prize. Instead, a year or two after we got married, he bought me a small diamond ring. It was pretty but I’m not sure if it was real. He tended to lie about things like that. And before I stopped wearing it, the white gold was smearing off a little.

Moral of the story, sometimes it’s better not to know.

#4 - Fast Learner

I wouldn’t consider myself a cold hearted bitch, but over the course of my fucking career, I’ve been able differentiate between sex and making love. As I’ve gotten older and have had more experiences, it’s been easier. I’m not always sure this is a good thing, but it is what it is.

The first time I was able to separate myself from sex was with #6. In retrospect, it’s a little disconcerting how early I started fucking for sport. I rationalized that guys did it all the time, so why shouldn’t women? It’s equality in the bedroom and I’m all for it.

#6 was tall and gawky and I wasn’t really attracted to him. He wasn’t ugly, just not my type. But he was hitting on me and the guy I was really interested in wasn’t paying any attention to my advances. It had been a few months and I wanted some action. So when #6 invited me to his apartment I said okay.

Having had a real boyfriend the year before, I knew what good sex was. #6 was good. But he ruined it by being too eager, too gawky and not cool. When we were done he wanted me to stay the night, but I rushed out of there as soon as I could. I was tired but didn’t want any trouble. Attachment trouble.

The next night he showed up at my favorite bar and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. I mean, we were in public and I didn’t want anyone to think we were together. Or that we had even fucked for that matter. The guy I liked was finally paying attention to me and I didn’t want to blow it. #6 took me to the side, visibly upset.

I thought we had a good time.

I said, sure, but that was last night and now it’s tonight. Totally different scenario. He was hurt and confused. He pleaded with me to talk, but I told him I wasn’t interested. I mean, he got off, what more did he want? Apparently another round with me. I went back to my table and picked up my Southern Comfort. When he sulked out of the bar, I high-fived my best friend. I had finally fucked somebody for sport. It felt empowering and I was eager to try it again. And so I did. With #7.

Moral of the story, just because you’re a chick doesn’t mean you can’t separate your feelings when you separate your legs.

#5 - What’s Mine is Yours

My roommate in college was a feminist and tried to instill in me the same empowerment she felt of being a woman. While I didn’t take any women’s studies classes and I continued to shave my legs, I decided to deal with birth control head on and get to know my body. I was going to get a diaphragm. She was excited about it and decided to get one, too. Surprisingly, we wore the same size, which proved convenient a few years later.

I graduated in the winter and moved to Chicago, but I’d still come to Iowa City to visit. One spring weekend, I drove West on I-80, stereo blasting. Four hours later, I arrived at her apartment and cocktails were required. I had barely emptied my car when we were walking downtown to our favorite bar. Crossing the street, I looked up to see a big, red pickup truck with an adorable Dalmatian in the back. The driver was even better; gorgeous, blond and soon to be #14.

We talked for a moment and he told me he’d meet me at the bar later. I was excited but suddenly panicked. Oh shit, I forgot my diaphragm. Luckily, my old roommate still had hers. We laughed about it and then got serious. Could I? I mean, that’s gross right? But it’s rubber. Wash it a few times with soap and you’d never know. I mean, we knew but #14 wouldn’t. 30 minutes later, I grabbed the diaphragm and went in the bathroom with a tube of spermicidal jelly.

I was excited when #14 actually showed up at the bar and even more excited when we went to his apartment a couple hours later. That quickly subsided when we started fucking. Turns out I didn’t need the diaphragm as he pulled out seconds later and came on my leg. I had more fun putting the diaphragm in.

Moral of the story, a true friend will give you more than the shirt off her back.

#6 - The Zoo

In Los Angeles, you spend a good portion of your time in your car. Sometimes people think it’s a waste of time, but I also looked at it as an opportunity to pick up men. This was before people spent their time on cell phones and were actually interested in who was next to them at a red light. I remember this guy and I shared a moment and he was pretty cute. We met up again at another light and I gave him my phone number.

We talked on the phone a few times and he asked me out. I was excited. He was pretty cute and what a great story. Oh, we met at Santa Monica and Fairfax and knew it was destined to be true love. Right. We decided we were going to go to the zoo one Saturday afternoon. I was happy because I love the zoo and if you’re lucky, you can see a couple of animals getting it on.

Well, there is a slight problem when you pick someone up in a car. Everyone looks the same height when they’re sitting down. When he came to the door to