24 and Reclaiming My Body: The Memoir Series

By Amanda Tayte-Tait

This is a companion for At What Does My Body Belong To Me? In this book together with amazing contributors. i unpack my journey through self love, mental health, learning to say no and forgiveness.

Contributors:

Amanda T Marufu

Takunda A Chimutashu 

Carol T Marufu

Munira Maria Makarow

Mpho Mashego aka Zawadi​

Mary K

Lolo Cynthia

Nobuhle N Nyoni

Prince Rayanne Chidzvondo

Imungu Kalevera

Dr Nyarai Paweni​

• Language: English
• Publisher: Amanda Tayte-Tait
• Release date: Jan 25, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393689256

Book preview

24

And

Reclaiming

My

Body

The Memoir Series: Book 2

A M A N D A  T A Y T E - T A I T

This book is not for sale.

It is not allowed to change or alter the content of this book without the consent and knowledge of Amanda Marufu. 

Copyright © 2020 by Amanda Tayte -Tait

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Chapter 1

The Power Of No

Amanda

Learning I had the power to say no.

Lolo Cynthia.

What to do when your abuser is also a victim

Amanda

When to say NO

Lolo Cynthia

Female Egos & Toxic Relationships

Amanda

The practice of actually saying no

Chapter 2

Sexuality

Amanda

Discovering my sexuality

Zawadi

Discovering my sexuality

Amanda

Why I made the choice never to come out to my family

Kalevera

Growing into me

Amanda

Sex after sexual trauma

Muni Mar

A take on sex and sexuality as a survivor of rape

Dr. N Paweni

How to support someone who's been sexually abused

Chapter 3

Healing my mind

Carol Marufu

Reflections

Amanda

The process of healing my mind

Takunda Chimutashu aka The Best Friend

The OCD Experience

Prince Rayanne Chidzvondo Moonchild Rye

A letter for EAD

Chapter 4

Healing and loving my body

Carol Marufu

I have to believe it’s possible

Amanda

Everything changes when you’re not looking.

Advice from Dr.  N. Paweni

Mary K

Body Oil & a Labour of Love: Learning to Accept and Love my Scars After Trauma

Chapter 5

Forgiveness

Prince Rayanne Chidzvondo Moonchild Rye

On being sons of Adam

Amanda

Forgiveness

Nobuhle N Nyoni

I am the healing

Mary K

Love liberates: a lens for forgiveness

Chapter 1

The Power Of No

Amanda

Learning I had the power to say no.

––––––––

Starting out this year I was the best version of myself that I have ever been. I was excited,  now running 10kms every day, more In tune with my spiritual self. More at peace with my mental health and above all I was working towards a more empowered and happy self. I didn’t know it yet but all of that was about to unravel thanks to this little thing called Covid 19.

Everything changed. Every single part of me wanted to quit and for a little bit, I did. I quit on my body. I quit on my mental health and even considered quitting my career. Honestly the last one I still consider doing every other day but I said no.

I said no to giving in to the pain and giving in to the doubt. Above all, I learned there was power in denying what feels comfortable. I mean it would be perfectly sane for me to say that I couldn’t do it.

After years and years of trauma, this was meant to be my year. No one would blame me, almost everyone would relate but I refused to stop, and instead, I finally did it. I wrote my very first book.

If you haven’t read my book, ‘At What Age Does My Body Belong To Me’, first of All; Get yourself a copy today, anywhere that books are sold, or if you can't you can hit me up for a free copy through my website.

Second of All; Here is a quick summary.

I’ve been abused. Twice; once by a family member when I was young about 7/8 years old. The second time it was 14 by a boyfriend who didn’t understand the word no. Then there was the Ex who punched me, the manipulative one, and a whole host of family drama. The truth is I have been through it and this is a book about my healing journey that I get to take with other people who agreed to share their stories.

I’m not a professional and this is not professional advice but simply sharing from what I’ve learned from my journey. A LOT of ranting and a whole lot of healing too. Take a seat and brace yourself.

What is NO?

This is important, very important. What does it actually mean to say no?, Growing up I heard the stories of child brides. The importance of purity above all else was drilled into me. It was important to stay a virgin.

I was told of culture, how on the evening of my wedding I would be laid down on a white sheet. That his aunts would check for blood in the morning. That the pain was normal, everyone went through it.

No one told me how abstinence would protect me from STDs. My virginity was simply something that I owed my husband. It would be shameful, they said. Shameful for the family, shameful for the man. Although no one ever said how he was being checked for his virginity or if he was being checked at all.

No one ever said there was such a thing as consent. No one ever told me what I could do if the right to your body was already taken from me.

I've had numerous boyfriends and girlfriends. Yes in this book we don't subscribe to the fear of body counts or the judgment of it. If you offend easily this might be your time to stop.

For a long time, I tried to explore but see it's slim pickings out there. There's a YouTuber who once made the joke that, ’if sex is considered anything that results in an orgasm there's a lot of straight women who have not had sex yet.’ and I think this is an important place to start.

For me that was true, for many years I had a love/hate relationship with sex. Sometimes I liked it, sometimes it downright made me cry. Then I met this one guy. The sex was great at first. Honestly speaking this was his one redeeming quality, sex that didn’t all the way suck and yet I wasted 3 years of my life on him. In the end, he lost even that, it was no longer sex just manipulation.

It took me a long time to call my first abuse what it was, which is rape but this, this was something new. It was subtle. It was me saying no but him deciding yes anyway.

He would say things like, ’You can deny me sex when we are married but for now, you can't say no.’

See he had this image of a sexless marriage that the media sells every so often and I wasn’t a virgin anyway so he didn’t see what the big deal was.

And so I didn't. It would hurt, sometimes I would cry. I even tried to break up with him a few times and he said no. Drove to my house to tell me he wasn't letting me break up with him, Insisted that I was the crazy one and he loved me more than anyone could ever love me, so I accepted more.

I hadn't learned the words emotional abuse or consent or any of that. So, I just lay there and let him have his way in the name of love.

It was damaging because he didn't see it. He didn't even understand it. Coupled with the constant depression and keen need to make me feel bad for my accomplishments. Trying to isolate me from my friends and refusing to see me when I was around them. It was toxic.

Yes, now I see the red flags too but back then I didn't. I didn't have words for that behavior or explanations and examples. To me it was love.

Which brings me back to the first question.

What is No?

No is still a no even when he insists that you're mistaken.

No is still no even if he coerces you into it.

No is no, every single time you feel uncomfortable and do not find pleasure.

No is no if you are drunk.

No is no if you wear a short skirt.

No is no if you wear a long skirt.

No is no if you fight.

No is no if you don't fight.

No is still no when you are naked.

No is no when you've started sex and you feel uncomfortable now and want to stop. Don’t get it twisted blue balls don't kill and he can masturbate to release.

Say this and say this proudly. THIS IS MY BODY! MINE!

No is always no and never let anyone convince you any different.

We are taught for a long time that sex is what we give and we shouldn't enjoy it. That our bodies are theirs to take. That young boys are sexual but who the Fuck are they having sex with?

We are told that if we don't have sex he will cheat. If we do have sex he will cheat anyway and it's your fault for being a slut. We are to save ourselves until marriage but not be a princess. So, so many rules on our bodies but so few that involve, you know, them being our bodies.

See when you ask my ex about the relationship and how toxic it got, he believes that I gave up on a good thing but I was relieved when it ended because it broke so many different parts of me that had already been broken before.

I want to hate him. I want to blame him but no one taught me any better and if we are telling the truth no one taught him any better either...

Lolo Cynthia.

What to do when your abuser is also a victim

Very often when I speak to people about Intimate Partner Violence, I see that they fail to recognize that abuse can occur between two teenage lovers, they tend to believe that it transpires just between an older man/woman and a teenager.

Sadly, in our part of the world teenagers are not encouraged to