Moving Past Merlot

By Vanessa M

Do I cut it out or do I cut back, that was the question.

What should have been the happiest years of Vanessa's life were turning out to be the crappiest. She decided to jot down the top things that bugged her about her life and change them one by one.

Moving Past Merlot is an examination of how one woman adjusted her relationship with alcohol.

There's no get sober quick scheme, instead you're invited to have a peep at a journey that involved a lot of work. Actually, she's still working at it. Hopefully her plan, the rules she implemented and the gradual truths she started to accept will help you in your own journey to Move Past Merlot.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Vanessa M
• Release date: Apr 11, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370178827

Book preview

Moving Past Merlot

By Vanessa M.

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The contents:

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Hello

I woke up one day and knew I hated myself.  

It's not that I was madly, deeply, truly in love with myself before that point - there were days when I sincerely believed I was the baddest thing since sliced bread.  This feeling I was experiencing, this hatred, completely overtook me.  

I didn't love myself.  Scariest part - I was okay with that realization.

When I accepted that emotion my life went downhill quick, fast and hurry.  

I found myself in a spiral of hate, depression, laziness and fear.  Fear might seem like an odd emotion to throw into this introduction but it's real.  I was afraid of healing and going back to me.  I was afraid of growing, changing and evolving.  

The days, months and years that followed my self-hate acceptance were brutal.  Nothing got accomplished, nothing brought me joy.  Nothing changed.  I lived in a state of constant nothing.  

The years that I should have been growing in a career, in friendships, growing as a person, that was time I stayed in stasis.  

Add this to the circle of my life:  I hated myself for hating myself and since I hated myself I hated that couldn't I grow but if I grew...I hated myself and when I hated myself, I hate MYSELF.  That's how my mind worked.  That's how it felt.  That's what I was going through.

In my early to mid twenties I lived through depression and I made it out, or so I thought.  Later on it started building up again and I blissfully ignored it.  I didn't give myself the care I needed.  I chose to drink through my pain , sleep my way to quick highs, waste my money on things to distract me and ignore my internal cries for help.  

The few times I decided to pay attention to my needs, I ended up stopping my self care before it even began.  Is it a wonder I felt the way I did about the person looking back at me in the mirror?

My healing didn't happen overnight.  I know in self-help books the author is supposed to share this uber profound moment of clarity and heightened awareness but I'm sorry friend, I don't have that story.  

Every other day, every other week I would wake up with momentum and say this is my day, this is the day I change my life.  

By the end of the hour I would find myself back in bed watching Netflix or walking to the store for two bottles of wine to drink by myself.   There wasn't a defined moment for me .  I sorta, kinda just pushed past my emotions  and determined I had to live for more.  I had to live for me.

This book goes through some of the issues I addressed while learning to love myself again - specifically the issues I went through with my drinking.    Am I perfect now?  No.  My theory is we're not gods so no human can ever be perfect.  Am I happier?  Yes.  

Look, my life was a