Building a Deep and Lasting Relationship

By Wayne C. Allen

This booklet helps you to build deep and lasting relationships. The booklet discusses the theory and practice of relationships from my decidedly "interesting" angle. There are questionnaires and exercises designed to help you re-think how you relate, how you communicate, and how to remain present in the relationship and to work actively to make the relationship into a healthy one.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wayne C. Allen
• Release date: Jun 26, 2011
• ISBN: 9780968444696

Wayne C. Allen

Wayne C. Allen is the web's Simple Zen Guy. He's a retired psychotherapist who counselled over 1000 clients. Wayne's approach to writing, life, and living comes from his love of Zen. His emphasis is on living in the now, and taking full responsibility for "how everything goes." Wayne's books are written in easy to understand language, and his insights are fresh and to the point. In everything he does, Wayne teaches wholeness, peace, and clarity of thought. You can read more about Wayne's Books at his publishing site. In his spare time he's a painter and photographer. Wayne and Darbella are now travelling the world, teaching, learning, and enjoying “retirement.”

Book preview

A Phoenix Centre Zen Living Guidebook

Building a Deep and Lasting Relationship

Wayne C. Allen, M.Th

Wayne C. Allen

©2011 Wayne C. Allen, M.Th.

Smashwords Edition

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return toSmashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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web site: http://www.phoenixcentre.com/

More books by Wayne C. Allen: http://www.phoenixcentrepress.com/

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Chapter 1: About the Author:

Wayne C. Allen was born in Buffalo, New York in January of 1951.

His interest in psychology and religion led him to Elmhurst Illinois, where he completed a B. A. in both areas (1973). He immigrated to Ontario, Canada in 1975.

In 1981, Wayne received a Masters of Divinity (M.Div) from the University of Toronto (Knox College.) graduated with a Masters in Pastoral Counselling (M.Th) in 1983.

Since 1983, Wayne has been in Private Practice in Ontario, Canada. His interest in Zen, coupled with his fervent belief in self-responsibility, has led him to develop a style of counselling he calls Zen Bodywork Psychotherapy. Combining Body and Breathwork, dialog and teaching, Wayne's approach allows his clients the optimum opportunity for personal growth and insight.

Wayne's expertise in Bodywork and Breathwork has led to public teaching events and media attention. Wayne was recently featured on Body + Health, teaching breathing techniques for stress reduction.

Wayne is the author of four books, the latest (2009) being Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall , a book rooted in Zen-based approaches to self-responsibility.

Getting EXACTLY the Relationship You Want: http://www.phoenixcentre.com/press/getting-exactly/exactly/

Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall: http://www.phoenixcentre.com/press/buddha-index/

This Endless Moment sales page: http://www.phoenixcentre.com/press/this-endless-moment/tem_info/

Subscribe to our Blog and read |Wayne’s musings on life and elegant living—Wayne teaches you excellent communication, focus, and self-responsibility. http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog

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Chapter 2: Building a Healthy Relationship

So, did anyone ever tell you that building a successful, intimate relationship was going to be hard work?

Probably not.

Hi. I’m Wayne Allen. I’ve been a psychotherapist in private practice since 1982, and I’ve seen a multitude of couples that are struggling with relationships who have moved from acceptable to unrewarding to downright painful. Usually, the couple arrives on my doorstep with a barely functioning relationship, and therapy is seen as a last ditch effort to turn things around.

Because of this, the first goal of couple therapy is to determine if both parties agree to answer this question: is the relationship is worth saving?

Often, this is the most feared, and therefore the unspoken question. It is like the elephant in the living room, which everyone walks around and no one mentions. By openly addressing this issue in a direct manner, it is often evident that one or both parties have crossed over the line and are not particularly interested in working to make the relationship better. Having this information out in the open allows the couple to begin to explore what they will choose to do next.

Because it is all about choice.

One particularly common choice is to stay in a relationship and keep doing the same old things — behaviours that lead to anger, resentment, or violence. Underlying this is a fear of change. It seems somehow easier not to rock to boat.

Change, for some, is scary. People fear being alone, fear getting into another bad relationship. Others fear the unknown. The unknown is so scary that they resign themselves to live the terrible life they know, as opposed to risking the unknown.

Another choice is to stay in the relationship to punish your spouse. He’s been so mean. I’m not going to let him off the hook that easily.

Some people stay because they fear that other people might not agree with their choice to leave. What will my mother say?

Another choice is to remain in the relationship and to work actively to make the relationship into a healthy one.

This requires a couple of things:

The willingness of BOTH parties to explore the relationship and the willingness of BOTH parties to change what is not working.

The willingness of both parties to be PRESENT—to pay attention to, and be interested in what their partner has to say.

The willingness of both parties to be INTIMATE—to be willing, honestly and openly, to tell their partner who they are and what they are thinking.

The willingness of both parties