Woman to Woman: The Truth About Our Intimate Relationships: How We Love, Hurt and Triumph

By Daniela Granzotto

An exploration of the bonds that play a central role in women’s lives and which are critical for a woman’s sense of identity and emotional well-being.

For the modern woman, the need for love and acceptance from another has never been more important. Finding true love, however, has never been more fraught with challenge and adversity.
 
You may have experienced infidelity, had a partner who fails to respect your boundaries, or felt deeply sad and lonely in your marriage. You could also be a woman who has a strong desire to marry but can’t find your soul mate.
 
In Woman to Woman you will read about others who have experienced such challenges, as well as those who were able to find fulfillment in their romantic relationships. In their own words, they talk about marriage, sex, infidelity, divorce, and single life. Entwined within their stories, Dr. Daniela Granzotto discusses critical issues that characterize a healthy intimate relationship.
 
With frankness and warmth, Dr. Granzotto shares her expert knowledge and insight—woman to woman—to empower you with a better understanding of yourself and your love life.
 
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Mar 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9781614481744

Book preview

Introduction

We all have, in our core, a longing for love. When we develop a deep romantic connection, we experience a sense of comfort and belonging.

While most of us will bond with a partner at some point in our lives, not all of us will experience true love. A lasting and gratifying union is only possible when critical elements of a healthy relationship are present. Otherwise, deep disappointment is inevitable.

Dissatisfaction with romantic love is rather common among women. When they come to see me for therapy, some are discontent with their unhealthy relationships, while others are frustrated for not being able to find that special someone. Many claim to have lost a feeling of closeness with their significant other and are unsure of how to reconnect.

My inspiration in writing this book came from working with these women and understanding that while they are unique individuals, when it comes to love, they are not so different. All women experience joy, frustration and disappointment in their romantic lives. They share a strong desire to find love, but often times are unable to fulfill this most important area of their lives.

This book addresses major challenges women face in their relationships, such as the end of a marriage, infidelity and marital conflict. It examines the root causes of their difficulties and provides an intimate discussion on the key elements of a rewarding relationship. Fear of intimacy and commitment, ineffective communication, and inadequate self-esteem, are some of the areas that are examined in detail.

When I contemplated writing this book, I felt strongly about having women of different ages and marital status share about romantic love. My intention was to provide the reader an opportunity to relate to other women’s experiences. In the end, the interviews shaped the content and chapters of the book.

Through the testimonials you will learn what makes a woman’s marriage a success, while others experience major disappointment. You will hear from women who are in unhealthy relationships and those who, despite major hurt, were able to rebuild their lives.

As you read their personal accounts, you may find that their stories resemble your own. While each woman’s love life has its own twists and turns, we all love, struggle and hurt in similar ways.

Dr. Daniela Granzotto

1 Married and Lonely

When a Relationship Lacks Emotional Intimacy

Men and woman share a longing for love, but differ in how they experience intimate relationships. Women look forward to the feeling of closeness with a partner—talking, exchanging affection, and spending time together is of utmost importance.

Women tend to place a great value on their relationships, which can be explained by the childhood role models and early messages they internalize while growing up. As girls, they learn the importance of being nurturing and attuned to other people’s feelings.

Men, on the other hand, are raised to value independence and self-reliance. They learn to bond through shared activities as opposed to talking and expressing feelings. Career and achievement are important to them.

Compared to women, men are not as in tune with their feelings and those of others. They also tend to have difficulty understanding emotions that are not openly verbalized. When it comes to intimate relationships, the level of closeness they expect is often not on par with that of women.

That is not to say that a man is any less capable of developing an emotional bond with the person he loves. Just like well adjusted women, emotionally healthy men welcome intimacy. They allow themselves to become close to their partners without fearing the loss of their own identity. Their relationships contain trust, respect, affection and open communication, which is what emotional intimacy is all about.

While emotional intimacy is the foundation of every lasting and satisfying union, it is certainly lacking in a great number of relationships. Why is this so?

Our early childhood experiences have a significant impact on our love lives. In other words, the view we internalized of ourselves and the emotional difficulties we experienced shape who we are and how we behave in our relationships.

As children, we turn to our caregivers for food, comfort, and love. If they are able to meet our needs, we develop a sense of trust and security. We feel their love for us and this in turn makes us feel worthy and secure in our lovability.

Being raised in such a warm environment has a positive influence on the partners we become involved with and how we relate to them. We are likely to attract and be attracted to individuals capable of being emotionally intimate. We allow ourselves to trust and get close to our partners. When conflict arises, we are likely to solve it effectively through respect and compromise. As a result, we tend to be satisfied with our intimate relationships.

Not all of us, however, had the best upbringing. Some of us had parents who were rejecting or inconsistent in their ability to make us feel safe, unconditionally loved, and cared for. These early experiences affect our ability to trust and feel worthy of love.

Our low sense of self-worth increases our fear of rejection and abandonment and compels us to stay in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship longer than we desire.

Mary, 55, shares her experience of being in an unfulfilling marriage. Immersed within her testimonial are the words of a woman who holds a poor view of herself:

I don’t love Fred, I don’t think I ever did. He’s not my companion or the man I wanted for myself. I wish he was my friend and respected me. We have nothing in common. We have a lot of conflict in our marriage and I resent him very much. But what can I do at this point in my life? It’s not good being with him, but it would be worse without him. I don’t want to start all over again with someone else. I’m no longer young and pretty. I don’t have anything to offer.

People’s fears and insecurities originated from childhood can also interfere with their ability to emotionally attach to a partner and fully commit to the relationship.

Linda, 42, is married to an emotionally distant partner:

My husband comes home and goes straight to the TV, he doesn’t even talk with us. He does the same thing when we go out to eat. He sits at the table and grabs his newspaper, he ignores us. He never has time for his family. His life is all about work. I feel angry. It’s not fair, it’s not right what he’s doing.

Individuals who experience strong feelings of inferiority and inadequacy may also have a need to control their partners. Their domination can take the form of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.

Claire, 32, is married to an abusive partner:

My husband is controlling and abusive. He makes negative comments and criticizes me about every little thing I do. He also makes hurtful jokes with the intention of humiliating me. I feel like I’m being treated like a child and I don’t like it all. I experience a lot of anger and resentment toward him. I’m very unhappy in my marriage.

Since healthy intimacy constitutes the core of a gratifying relationship, there are ways for you and your partner to nourish a strong foundation. The first step is to reflect on what has been preventing both of you from experiencing an emotional connection with one another.

As mentioned before, our early experiences with our caregivers have a great deal of influence on our intimate relationships. If we internalize a view of ourselves as being unworthy, defective, and unlovable, we are going to find it extremely difficult to trust a partner and become emotionally close to him. We will be inclined to perceive his behavior as insincere, rejecting, and uncaring. Our low self-esteem also increases our chances to get involved with unhealthy partners.

Therefore, when building intimacy in your relationship, you need to ask yourself the following questions: What are the faulty assumptions that interfere with my ability to develop intimacy? Is it the belief that I am not good enough to be loved? Is it the fear of being rejected and having to deal with immense pain and hurt? Or is it the dread of being controlled and losing myself?

We all feel the need to develop a meaningful relationship with another human being to experience a sense of connection and belonging. If we fail, we are likely to feel lonely.

Being lonely, however, is not the same as being alone. While alone, we have the opportunity to reflect on how we feel and think about ourselves, our relationships, and our lives in general. Being alone can be a meaningful and enriching experience.

Loneliness, on the other hand, is an emotional state that involves feelings of isolation, emptiness, and alienation. We feel disconnected from others. When we feel lonely, we may experience sadness, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. These feelings can lead to self-destructive behaviors, like the excessive use of alcohol, food, or drugs.

Many women experience loneliness, including those who are married. We may feel lonely when our spouses are often away on business trips, work late hours, or pursue their own interests. The lack of time together makes it difficult for us to develop a strong bond with our loved one.

We may also feel lonely if our partner is physically present yet emotionally distant. When we fail in our attempts to be noticed and heard, we are likely to experience strong feelings of rejection, emptiness, and sadness. This is the case with Betsy, 48, married for twenty-three years:

My husband and I haven’t had a nice conversation in a long time. He can sit right next to me for hours without saying a word. When we talk, it’s always about the kids, bills to be paid, and other insignificant things. I don’t feel important to him. I feel lonely. I wish he would pay attention to me like he used to when we were dating. He made me feel special. Now he doesn’t even notice me anymore. I’ve tried to talk to him about how I feel, but he shuts me out. I feel unhappy in my marriage.

Carol, 36, shares her frustration of being unable to connect with her spouse:

I’ve been married for twelve years. This is what a typical day with my husband is like for the past several years:

My husband gets home around 6:00pm. He says hi to me and the kids and goes to change. Then he sits at the table to have dinner. Usually he asks, What’s for dinner today? I hate that question. Sometimes I say something like dead roach soup and gecko sandwiches. He laughs. I ask myself, what the hell is he laughing at? Does he think I’m trying to be funny?

At the table he asks me about my day. I know all he wants to hear is that my day was good. If I extend myself, he seems to get annoyed and tells me to get to the point. He frequently interrupts me to say something to the kids and doesn’t show any interest in having me continue what I was saying. This is upsetting. He makes me feel that what I have to say isn’t important.

After dinner the kids go to sleep and we sit on the couch. First thing he does is turn on the TV. It’s like he has a meeting with the TV every day. He doesn’t ask me what I want to watch. He goes ahead and turns to sports, which I have no interest in. What I hate even more is