You're Just Not That Into You

By Kellie Nealon

Navigating through life is a complete bitch sometimes. I have found myself tirelessly digging here, there and everwhere trying to make sense of it all. Most of the time I had no idea what the hell I was doing and I just had to try anything. As a result, I've tried pretty much everything. Some of those things felt like failures, some felt like huge accomplishments. What I can be certain of, no matter how low I have felt, I have never let myself give up.

I have compiled a selection of experiences that have broken me together, and the lessons and answers I have gained from them. Some lessons were beautiful and some, were not. The pain and the heartache I have felt getting through life up until now has not been a journey for the faint hearted. But let's be honest, the faint hearted couldn't have lived to tell the tale.

These are the very deepest layers of my soul that I am sharing with you. Why? Becuase most of the way through this, I had no bloody idea what to do and where to turn. But I found a way through it, and if my lessons offer a safe landing for your troubles then it is a job well done as far as I'm concerned.

This entire book was a channelled experience. The spelling and grammar may not be great but I believe the beauty and the perfection in life is within that which does not seem perfect. This is pure consciuosness and who am I to meddle wtih that?

This is my heart and I'm giving it to you because you are me and I love you. My only hope is that you love yoruself a little more deeply after reading this.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kellie Nealon
• Release date: Dec 9, 2018

Book preview

My Story

I met Jon when I was 18. I remember it so vividly, I walked into a bar and the second I glanced at him, the world literally stood still. In that very moment, it was as though I was floating inside a massive bubble. I felt myself expand way beyond my own body and it seemed the only person in the room was him and I. The bar fell completely silent for that split second and the moment seemed to be wrapped in this beautiful cocoon of complete peace. It was without a doubt, love at first sight. I turned to my sister and said, I’m going to marry that man.

I was in complete awe of Jon. He was quite literally the most incredible looking man I had ever seen and he had this presence which was so captivating. The man had swag! He was so confident, so knowing, so worldly. He was from England and was here travelling through Australia and Indonesia. We spent the night hanging out and chatting to all hours of the morning. He left the next day with the promise to meet up the following night. He rang me later that day to apologise because he’d managed to score a one way ticket to Sydney at a really cheap rate and therefore couldn’t keep our date. I was completely devastated but he gave me his email address and said we would keep in touch. An entire year later, I couldn’t move on, I was so certain that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. How could I be so wrong about something that I was so sure about? We sent a few emails here and there, mainly me emailing long letters and him responding with one or two lines. At this stage he was all the way in Thailand and internet was very expensive and very scarce so he couldn’t really write too much.

About a year later, I got a phone call and it was Jon. He was living over in Perth and had enough money for a flight to LA. He said if it was cheaper to fly to LA from Brisbane, he would come and see me before he went, otherwise, he would go directly from Perth. There was no way I was letting this opportunity pass me by. I was so in-love and just had to know if there was a future. Even if it meant just a small moment in time, I needed to explore this. It was cheaper to fly from Brisbane to LA but with the airfare included from Perth to me, it ended up being dearer. I gave it a lot of thought, and told him that I would pay for his flight to Brisbane. I borrowed money from my brother-in-law as I was an 18 year old who earned next to nothing and purchased the ticket to Brisbane for my love.

As the story goes, he arrived, we fell madly in love and he never went to LA. I was so smitten, so in-love, so happy. I had never had a boyfriend before and it was everything I hoped it would be. I hadn’t had the happiest of childhoods, my parents split up when I was about 12 so things weren’t really stable for me. I was always the odd one out growing up so this was really the first time I truly felt like I belonged to someone or something. I had never considered that anyone could possibly love me, I never allowed that someone could want me enough to actually choose to be with me so this was a very precious time in my life. It was a complete fairytale, sure we had our ups and downs but I was so in-love and so happy.

There were definitely moments when I questioned if this was all there was to life. I was only young and had always wanted to travel. Because Jon had been there and done that, he wasn’t interested in doing it anymore and he had established himself really well in what ended up being a great career for him. Jon had the gift of the gab, he started off selling door to door phone contracts and because he was so good at it, before too long, he was running the whole company. He was so determined and so ambitious, he blew me away with his ability to do anything he set his mind to.

Before long, we brought our first home, started renovating it and life couldn’t seem to be any more perfect. That feeling I had crept in on the occasion, is this all there is, don’t you want more? But as quickly as it rose up in me, I pushed it away because I couldn’t imagine life without the only person who ever made me feel like I was a part of something. Eventually, Jonny proposed to me and I happily started planning our wedding. I was overcome with joy and excitement. I never thought that I would ever be lucky enough to marry the man of my dreams, and live this abundant life that I was in.

One weekend, about 11 weeks before the big day, he took me to a romantic getaway on a mountaintop retreat. We had our own little secluded cabin with and open log fire and complete privacy. We had some wine and just started chatting about life. There was an incident that happened a little period of time before that, and I just couldn’t shake it. I asked him again, after the 100th time if there was anything I should know. I was a little afraid to broach this with him as it always ended up in a massive argument and I didn’t want to spoil the weekend. Surprisingly he was so calm and didn’t get mad the way he always had before. He turned to me, and told me how much he loved me, but he had been having an affair. What happened next completely changed my life forever. I suddenly realised that I was screaming, and I just couldn’t stop. Looking back now, I understand that was the moment my mind snapped and I had an emotional breakdown. I was completely outside of my body and couldn’t control what was happening. I knew that I was screaming, I knew that I was completely losing it, but in that moment I felt like I was two people and I was watching this woman breakdown.

Where I was, with the level of awareness and fear I had within me at that time in my life, I decided to stay with him. I cancelled the wedding but everything else remained the same. We started couples therapy and tried so hard to rebuild what was broken. I think I knew deep down that there was no coming back from that level of betrayal. But the most difficult thing was how much I loved him, I thought I was doing the right thing by following my heart.

It turned out the woman he was having the affair with was threatening him. She had told him she was pregnant and if he didn’t leave me to be with her, she would destroy his life. And that she absolutely nearly achieved. She had private investigators take photos of the two of them having sex and sent them attached with a letter to my parents, my sister and my work. She would send me messages regularly threatening me and at one stage we ended up with immigration at our doorstep with Jonny almost getting kicked out of the country.

This was the absolute worst period of my life but what this woman didn’t realise, is the more that she pushed us, the closer it brought us and in the end, I thought, there is no way he would ever do this again! We have seen the worst of the worst play out after this affair and it was enough to scare any man straight. Or so I thought.

After a few years, life settled down again, but things were never the same. We eventually did get engaged again but I could never commit to a date to be married. One night he was out on the town and didn’t get home till all hours of the morning. He woke me up stumbling in drunk and then passed out snoring. I couldn’t get back to sleep and tossed and turned for what seemed like ages. The next minute, his phone received a text message. He had a setting on his phone to keep reminding him of an unopened message and it kept vibrating on the timber floorboards. After about 3 alerts I pushed him to open his phone but he was completely passed out. In a huff, I went around to his side to open the text so I could get some sleep. The message was from Cassie, his receptionist. I thought nothing of it at first but the message read:

People know that aren’t supposed to know.

My mind just blew at that moment. It then started hitting me, what is a woman doing texting my fiancé at 2:30am? I knew I needed truth in this situation so I did the only thing I could do…..

What do they know?

We went back and forth like this for what seemed like an eternity. I didn’t get a lot of information as I was trying to tread very lightly, I didn’t want her to catch on that it wasn’t Jon. At this stage what I had gathered was: Something happened on a trip to Sydney, she knew he was with someone and she felt bad but her friends said who gives a shit.

I asked if she would like what had happened last time to happen again and she agreed. I asked if I could head over, She said Sure, I’ve just dropped a pinger so I’ll be up for hours!

Um…… O.K! Looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me! At this stage it was about 4am and it was as though I’d been the one to drop a pinger. I was wired! I got the keys for his car and grabbed a baseball cap. I tried to look as manish as I could and drove over to her house. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing but I knew, I needed to hear truth, as it was clear, I was getting none of it at home.

I arrived at the address she had given me, my heart was pounding. She walked up to the car, opened the door and looked in at me from the passenger side with a massive smile. The smile turned to complete horror when she realised that I was not her handsome, charismatic boss coming to give her round two. I said to her, hey, you must be Cassie, guess who I am?. She replied very coyly Um, you’re Kellie. Yup sweetheart you got it in one! I explained to her that I didn’t want any trouble, I wasn’t there to hurt her, I just needed to get some answers. She agreed to come with me for a drive. Looking back now, Cassie was either ridiculously stupid, really trusting, or bloody brave, I’m not sure which one, but she was pinging off her head so maybe she was just very, very stoned?

We started driving and her phone rang. It was her friends and I heard her say, no, it’s not Jon, it’s Kellie. Next minute, the mates are all tearing up the road chasing us, I swear it was like a scene out of Miami Vice. I told the girls that I didn’t want trouble I just wanted to talk to her. They told me that they would feel more comfortable if we all chatted inside the house. I agreed.

So here I sat, in a house, with a massive party going on, everyone high on ecstasy and me in men’s clothes, no makeup and bad hair. It was the weirdest thing ever. She began explaining to me that her and Jon had just kissed in Sydney. My head was swimming, can you break up with someone for just kissing? So, to paint a picture, I’m sitting on the couch with a group of young women, all sitting on the floor around my feet. They were watching me like I was the final season of the bachelor, waiting for my next move. It was story time, and I began the long, detailed saga of Jon’s first affair.

By the end, the girls all were looking around at each other with absolute horror. Cassie then perked up and said, O.K Kellie, I need to tell you, we actually did sleep together. I literally said, Righto, I stood up turned to my audience and announced, thanks ladies, I’ll be off then. Cassie grabbed me and hugged me. I gently removed her arms from around me and said oh honey, I’m not here to make a friend with the girl who fucked my fiance, I’m just here for the truth because that lying sack of shit won’t tell me. With that I walked out, got in the car, and started driving.

I was so shocked at how happy I was. I am going to go home, break up with him and I feel so bloody happy, it was exhilarating. By this stage it was about 6:30am and I was still wired. I phoned one of my oldest friends Katie because I knew she would be awake. She answered the phone confused as to why I would be ringing so early. I honestly went to say, Hey babe, guess what, I’m going to go home and dump Jonny’s arse but what came out was one long, loud, bellowing scream! Screaming again like the last time. I knew I was screaming, but for some reason, I had no control over it. Once again, looking back now, I was in complete shock.

I got home and my father was sitting on my balcony, he was living with us at the time and obviously, as old people do, they get up really early to sit on balcony’s. I walked up the stairs and he met me at the top, confused as to where I had been so early. Once again, I couldn’t get the words out, I was trying to say, He’s done it again but I could only point and say, he’s, he’s. The words just couldn’t make it out of my mouth. I collapsed in my dad’s arms sobbing my heart out. I finally said, dad, he’s done it again and with that my dad took off out of the house. Completely overwhelmed and confronted by not being able to do anything.

I went into the bedroom, the smell of stale alcohol pinching my nose and that son of a bitch sleeping soundly. I walked over and pushed his shoulder yelling, wake up! He stirred a bit and I repeated harder. He eventually woke up and screamed at me, What the fuck? Oh man, I thought, It’s go time! I screamed at him, Oh right!! What the fuck indeed! What the fuck did you do with Cassie?

Nothing, go and fuck off he replied and then rolled over, I screamed, Oh no you don’t you cheating fucking bastard, wake the fuck up and face what you have done. He swore black and blue that nothing had happened, so, I picked up the phone and called Cassie.

Hey, Cassie, it’s Kellie. So, um, Jon seems to think you’re full of shit, do you want to let him know what you just told me?. I handed the phone to Jon and with his head in his hands it’s all he could do but mumble in the phone. I could hear her apologising in the background and I thought to myself, Jesus Christ Cassie, get off the pills love, you’re tripping!

Jonny hung the phone up, looked at me and said, So what the fuck do you want me to do then? Well……. I launched at him fists swinging. I didn’t manage to connect any of them as much as that would have been great for the story. He held my hands back and we screamed at each other for a little while. After some time, I took off and went to my sisters.

I booted him out but was completely devastated. I had a trip booked overseas with Jon’s best friends girlfriend, and just before I left to go, he came and saw me. We were lying on the bed chatting and he said that he had a feeling this was it and had accepted it. I knew there was no chance for us, but I wanted him to fight. I wanted to feel like I had actually been worth something to him. I couldn’t believe he was letting me go so easily. He left and I went into the walk in wardrobe and picked up the box of memories I had with him. It had little candy wrappers from our ski trip together, every single movie stump that we had seen together, every card he had ever given me, every note he had written me. Any time that we had done anything together that felt special, I kept a little memento. Lots of little things that only we knew the meaning of. There were the pictures that someone took of him proposing to me, the champagne cork out of the bottle we toasted that night. So many things and I was going through all of them.

Then, the anger came on. The screams started and I was throwing the stuff all over the room. I was so sad and so overwhelmed. I sat on the floor sobbing my heart out. My dad appeared at my door, he came and sat down next to me, his eyes full of pain because he couldn’t make me feel better. He said to me You will never need any man as much as you need your dad. I sobbed in his arms.

We sat there, hugging for a while and I looked up to see Jon, standing in the doorway. My dad got up and walked out and Jon came to sit next to me. He explained he got halfway to the place he was staying and he couldn’t go another step forward, he had to turn back to tell me something. He told me how much he loved me and couldn’t stand the idea of losing me. He told me that he would do anything to prove to me that he could be the man that I needed him to be, the man that I always knew he could be.

That’s all I ever needed to hear from him. He told me to go overseas, be a single woman, do whatever I needed to do, and if there was a chance that I could ever get past this, he would spend his lifetime making it up to me.

I did just that, I went overseas and I was single. I met a man in Ireland and I went home with him. It was one of the most horrible experiences. I just needed to understand what it felt like for Jon. What was it like to be with another person? Was it easy for him to do it? The truth is, it was horrible and it wasn’t easy. I only thought of Jon the whole time, it made me feel physically sick and I couldn’t get out of there quick enough. Jonny was ringing me every other day, telling me how much he missed me, telling me that he had dreamt of me the night before and that he couldn’t wait till I got home.

I completed the holiday and had a great time. I remember at one point my cousin was driving us through the beautiful hills of Ireland and I felt the happiest I had felt in a long time. I thought to myself, I can do this, I can travel, I’m going to do this. I made up my mind. I was going to go back to Australia, end things with Jon and travel.

I arrived back at the airport, Jonny was picking me up but he was really late. I was surprised as he was supposed to be eagerly trying to get back with me. He eventually turned up and then dropped me home, saying he needed to get to work. I asked him if he felt we needed a chat, he said he would do it later.

Later that afternoon, we met at the Story Bridge Hotel, a local bar and we sat down together. I told him that I had given it a lot of thought, and for now, I was going to go back to Ireland and travel. I still loved him deeply, and who knows, maybe in a year if we wanted to give it another try we could see what that brings. He shrugged and said, no worries, I’ve got to get back to work. I was so surprised at how well he took it and knew something was up.

As I was soon to find out, Jon had been also sleeping with a girl named Kate who he worked with. He had got her a job in his office and they had been starting to sleep together before I went overseas. He had been asking me to give him another chance, the whole time, sleeping with her. Apparently the girl I travelled with told her boyfriend that I had slept with someone and he told Jon. Jon then decided that was not good enough for him, and as a result, started a relationship with Kate. I was overseas for 3 weeks.

The decision to leave wasn’t met with the feeling of being empowered and it also didn’t make things easier. In fact it made me feel the opposite, worthless, unlovable, afraid, lonely, used and betrayed. What made matters worse is the second we settled our separation, he moved her into the home that we brought and renovated together. They even stayed in the very same bed that we shared. It was the biggest kick in the guts and sent me spiralling into an abyss of despair and heartbreak.

I simply could not move on from the pain. Over the years I went through stages of pure hatred for him. Such bitterness and anger that poisoned my body and my life. I was an angry, bitter woman that was so shut off from life and love and played out my hurt in such typical ways. This only contributed more and more to the pain and suffering that I was feeling. The acting out of this level of anger and trauma that I was going through sprayed more and more trauma into the very open, very raw and now septic wound of my heart.

It haunted my days and my nights knowing that my home, which I had with the love of my life was now the home of this new woman. My heart ached every single day and the physical and emotional pain of my was too much for me to bare. I was simply a fraction of a person at this stage. I was so overwhelmed with grief and betrayal that I didn’t know how I was ever going to get through this. The problem here was also, no-one else knew what to do either. No-one could understand or empathise with what I was going through because no-one around me had ever gone through any kind of tragedy. People just expect you to dust yourself and move on. As they would say, he doesn’t deserver you, he’s a player, you’re too good for him. In my heart, that didn’t make things easier. I had no-one that could really give me any healthy support at this stage because, everyone else was living their lives and I don’t think anyone knew just how bad it was.

I remember one day when things couldn’t have got any worse, it was bout 3 months after we broke up and I was told that he was taking her home to his family for Christmas. This completely smashed any last piece of my heart that had not already been shattered. I once again, went to that place of complete emotional breakdown and all of a sudden I was an observer watching myself play out an incredibly scary moment.

I could no longer stand the physical pain of my heart. I didn’t feel like I could even breath again. The loss was just so devastating I couldn’t seem to see a way out of what I was feeling. It truly felt for me as though someone had died and the pain around it was just too overwhelming. I remember the day, I had finished work and decided that I couldn’t take one more step forward. I felt like I was spiralling out of control and the place I was in couldn’t feel any worse. I was so afraid of how bad it already was and I knew that it was not finished, it was about to get so much worse. This was something I didn’t have the awareness for, or