The Secret Art of Breaking Up: Surviving and Thriving

By Aaron Stevenson and Corey Hague

This book reveals strategies and mechanisms for genuine change and real advice – what to say, what not to say, steps for navigating mediation, legal pathways and timeframes. It offers in depth guidance to navigate legal issues, practicalities, finances, children, grief and loss.

In short, it will help you not only survive a separation, but to thrive through one. 

The Secret Art of Breaking Up: Surviving and Thriving offers a range of simple to follow steps to help you throughout relationship trauma.

Whether the separation is your choice or not, it's vital that you go forward with clarity, focus and a plan.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Aaron Stevenson and Corey Hague
• Release date: Oct 18, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386014331

Aaron Stevenson

Aaron Stevenson has worked in the mental health industry for over three decades, across nearly all facets of psychiatry, mental health, counselling and treatment. After graduating from Psychiatric Nursing studies, he’s since gone on to earn a Graduate Diploma and a Masters in Mental Health. Working mostly in hospital emergency departments, Aaron has seen firsthand just how disruptive and damaging relationship breakups can be to peoples lives. Despite being an expert in human behaviour, it was only after experiencing his own relationship demise that he discovered how little practical guidance there was available, especially with a focus towards how males process relationship breakdowns. While researching and exploring options for his own situation, the seed for The Secret Art of Breaking Up: Surviving and Thriving was planted because despite an ocean of information, there was no practical, straight forward, step-by-step manual. A guide of what to do and what not to do. "I wanted to understand what was happening and how to identify all the feelings and emotions I was having,” Aaron says. "I reviewed and researched hundreds of relationship articles, websites, podcasts, ebooks, forums and groups. My goal was to take the most pertinent, distinct and useful elements and apply them to my 32 years of clinical and now lived experience.” "It became a method to understand the process, but also to survive the process.” In the process of writing the book, he was convinced to keep working on it after a number of people turned to him to help with their own relationship problems. Now, years later, Aaron has combined his own experiences, research and training together for The Secret Art of Breaking Up: Surviving and Thriving and coaching sessions. A proud father of two young boys, when Aaron isn’t working or coaching you can find him travelling, watching movies or tinkering with his much loved home in regional Victoria.

Book preview

THE SECRET ART OF BREAKING UP:

Surviving and Thriving

By Aaron Stevenson with Corey Hague

In a perfect world there would be no need for this book.

In a perfect world, even if a relationship was to break down, the parties involved would act respectfully towards one another and endeavour to transition into the new situation as seamlessly as possible.

After all, if someone you love has a change of heart, how could you possibly stand in their way? You’ve understood their choices and supported their decisions up until this moment, so why change now? Naturally you’re hurt, but you know your partner, and you trust that they wouldn’t have come to the conclusion lightly...

Of course that’s not how it works out. It’s never how it works out. There’s too many emotions involved for things to be so clinical.

Instead of wishing for a perfect world, we’ve written this book to try and help things go a bit more smoothly.

It’s not a magic wand that you can simply wave at your relationship and it doesn’t promise miracle results.

Instead, it outlines the principles you need to get back to basics and start moving your life in a positive direction.

Astute readers may notice that this book has been written by two males. The even more astute readers may notice that some of the advice is aimed towards males. This doesn’t mean that only men will benefit from the information, but it does occasionally pay special attention towards some of the classic mistakes men make in relationships.

That’s right, we admit it; men make mistakes.

In fact, when it comes to making mistakes, men are the undisputed heavyweight champions of the world. Men have an uncanny ability to make mistakes on top of mistakes and then pile on some extra mistakes just to make sure.

We all make mistakes, but only men seem to take mistakes and ramp them up into full blown disasters.

In short, if you come across some tidbits of information within this book that seems a little too focused towards men, understand that we’re trying to eradicate those testosterone-fuelled disasters.

That doesn’t mean we’re trying to ignore the plight of women; we want to help everyone focus on positive relationship habits. And a big part of doing that means highlighting some particular male behaviour.

So even if a perfect world isn’t on the horizon, we are certain that the information within these pages can at least help make it a better one. 

What people are saying about The Secret Art of Breaking Up: Surviving and Thriving

"T he invaluable, real life experience and knowledge shared in this book helped me gain understanding.... and support my sister as she journeyed through the process of her divorce."

Sharon, Fitzroy, Victoria

Many times throughout the course of this book I felt myself saying YES! in resonance with the themes and straightforward nature of delivery. I highly recommend this book for any man who feels they may have lost their way, or who is finding navigating relationships to be more like a minefield than a walk in the park.

Josh, 36, Bellarine, Australia

The book is simple, easy to read and flows with practical steps. All the info is probably out there in various forms if you have the time, energy and interest to find it all, but to have it  compiled and easily accessible in one spot is what makes it so valuable.

Daryl, 42, Seymour, Australia

The worksheets were particularly helpful. I saved them to the notes on my phone to remind me of who my supports were and who to rely on for what.

Jenny, 40, Stawell, Australia

I’m now rebooted, partnered and in a much better space. It's hard to believe there was a time when I was even suicidal, could not see any hope for my future, thought I would die alone, was drinking heaps and angry all the time. Now my relationship with the kids is better, the time spent is more quality. Once the unknown was taken away, my anxiety subsided and my depression lifted.

Chris, 48, Castlemaine, Australia

INTRODUCTION - Aaron’s Story

On Valentine's day in 1985 I started my Psychiatric Nursing studies, graduating in 1988. By 1994 I’d obtained my first degree in nursing, and since then I’ve worked across nearly all facets of psychiatry, mental health, counselling and treatment. I’ve also kept up the studies and now have a graduate diploma and a masters in mental health.

It wasn’t all just study though, it was lots of frontline clinical work and I now work mostly in a busy hospital emergency department. Barely a day goes by where I don’t see someone experiencing a relationship breakup. They don’t necessarily wind up in the hospital because of the breakup, but the breakup factors into their extreme behaviour.

What kind of extreme behaviour lands you in an emergency department?

Lots of them.

Attempted suicide, psychosis, drug overdoses, alcohol abuse, car crashes, self destructive acts and acts of violence against others. Needless to say, these actions generate even more stress, confusion and turmoil for all who are involved. And regardless of how someone may feel at the time, there are always lots of people involved. The kids, the husbands, the wives, the brothers, the sisters, the parents, the friends, the work colleagues... Basically everyone in their life is impacted in some way or another by these episodes.

Thankfully not every person who is going through separation or divorce finds themselves in hospital. But that doesn’t mean they waltz through the break up without any difficulty. Relationship break ups are one of life's major stressors and it can be extremely difficult to navigate without guidance and assistance.

Support can come from a variety of sources such as family, friends, interest groups, self help courses and so on. But as someone who works in an emergency department, I am constantly reminded by distraught people that making it through a breakup is exceptionally hard. And ironically, despite everyone now being ‘connected’ 24-7, it is very easy for people to become isolated, particularly when they’re going through a tough time.

And I’m afraid to say that when it comes to how men and women cope with the demise of a relationship, men in particular have a tendency to fall apart in spectacularly destructive ways.

They break things, they get drunk, they have court orders served upon them, they become irrational, angry, confused, aggressive, despondent and suicidal particularly when the decision to end a relationship is not their preference.

Generally speaking, when women present to the emergency department they are more likely to internalise their responses; this means they present with overdoses, self harm and adjustment reactions.

Drug use and alcohol are often a destructive feature for both sexes.

From my studies and my firsthand experience, I’ve witnessed the patterns and behaviours that people fall into while they’re having troubles with their relationship. While the specific details vary, the actual behaviours and actions that people take when they’re struggling